I'm married but want to get my guy friend to have sex with me

[Sub]

...we've cultivated a society of possessive sexual relationships, association of sex with self worth and valuing it only in terms of emotional intimacy, and the expectation of feelings of betrayal of our partner wanders.

 

...all I can think about is seeing you and ****ing your brains out.

 

The versatility of writing styles is incredible.

[qubist]

It's only bad because we've cultivated a society of possessive sexual relationships, association of sex with self worth and valuing it only in terms of emotional intimacy, and the expectation of feelings of betrayal of our partner wanders.

We are expected to bemoan our inability to control our significant other, when in reality if we were less concerned with how outsiders viewed our interpersonal relationships and more about letting our partners express themselves (in all aspects not iust sex) we'd all be a helluva lot happier and content.

well this has been built from 1000s of years of "social " evolution for lack of better term, the fact taht you are revolting against doesn't mean you should just ignore the fact taht almost everybody else believe it to be the only acceptable view.

personally, I agree with you but I do understand why monogamy is considered the right choice.

in your case I believe that your H should be aware of your feelings and Ok with it. you need him to be OK with it

[maymaymay]

This thread is very sad. And what I find disturbing is other posters that are GIVING HER IDEA'S ON HOW TO DO THIS!!

 

 

Okay, you came on here wanting non-judgemental advice. You do realize that you are coming to a subforum were a lot of us have been hurt by the very thing you're intending to do, don't you? And it didn't end well for the rest of us.

 

 

You say you love your husband. No you don't.

 

 

If you TRULY love your husband you wouldn't even consider cheating on him. The thought alone should disgust you. And if you loved your husband, then doing something that could cost you losing your husband forever should scare the hell out of you.

 

 

You said you talked to your husband and you told him about this strong attraction to this OM. And you stated that he said that even if you did cheat, he would be disappointed but he wouldn't leave you. You do realize that he is human and is capable of changing his mind? You see, he can say that NOW because nothing has happened. As far as he was concerned, it was a hypothetical conversation. But, once you make it real, then all bets are off.

 

 

Your husband isn't stupid either. I'm pretty sure you've already planted a seed of doubt into his head. You're more concerned about when you can get with this douche rocket you want to cheat with, you don't seem a bit concerned about HOW you're going to get away from your husband? That you're going away with girlfriends for the weekend? Going to visit your mother who's been feeling a bit under the weather? You're husband (hopefully) isn't stupid. He's going to know. And how would you feel when you come back and all of your crap is on the front lawn and the locks have been changed? And the only communication is taped in a manila envelope taped to the door with divorce papers in?

 

 

And what if you happen to pull the wool over his eyes and you go on your weekend cheat fest. How could you look him in the eyes after that? How could you not be disgusted with yourself by betraying a man that has shown you nothing but kindness, love and respect for the majority of your marriage? If he ever does anything nice for you after that; how could you not feel guilty and think that you don't deserve his kindness after what you've done?

 

 

I really don't think that you've really thought about what you may lose if you go through with this. You'll lose a man that loved you, you'd lose your marriage, you'd lose the marital home if you're forced to sell, and you'd lose 50% of all of your martial assets. You'll lose respect from friends and disappoint your family when they discover WHY you're getting divorced. And what does the OM lose? Absolutely nothing.

 

 

Now, is it really worth it?

Well it's a good thing I don't let other's definition of love determine how I feel about my husband. I adore, appreciate, admire, and could never see me without my husband. That's love to me.

[aliveagain]

Well it's a good thing I don't let other's definition of love determine how I feel about my husband. I adore, appreciate, admire, and could never see me without my husband. That's love to me.

 

Wow, that's exactly what I say about my watch collection. I'm having a hard time feeling the love.

[maymaymay]

Sooooooo......if you're rejecting social and cultural norms in relationships, sex and marriage. Then, why the hell did you get married in the first place?!?!? Because, marriage is following a LOT of social and cultural normatives where you are promising to love, honor and cherish the person you've promised yourself to and are expected to follow that.

 

I've already answered this question. I was 22, my husband and I met at church, he didn't believe in premarital sex and I wanted to bev with him. I wanted to marry him. I didn't ever believe in marriage as an institution, but I believe in marriage to him.

 

 

As for open marriage, I may have to ease my husband in to the idea if I intend in being indiscrete about an affair. However I see no reason to tell him if I make sure to keep it secret. He doesn't need to be intentionally hurt if I think he couldn't handle me being with another man. Ethically my job is to shield him from emotional danage. If that involves bringing him.around to the idea if an open marriage or keeping any physical infidelity from him, I have to weigh the options.

[Sastrugi]

It's only bad because we've cultivated a society of possessive sexual relationships, association of sex with self worth and valuing it only in terms of emotional intimacy, and the expectation of feelings of betrayal of our partner wanders.

We are expected to bemoan our inability to control our significant other, when in reality if we were less concerned with how outsiders viewed our interpersonal relationships and more about letting our partners express themselves (in all aspects not iust sex) we'd all be a helluva lot happier and content.

 

if it is an open and honest relationship, do what ever you want. What we are keying into is your dishonesty. Question - why can't you be honest with your husband?

[Chi townD]

Well it's a good thing I don't let other's definition of love determine how I feel about my husband. I adore, appreciate, admire, and could never see me without my husband. That's love to me.

 

Oh I've read this thread. Sorry, I don't see those things here. Tell you what!! Why don't you let your husband read this thread and he can point out to me where he see's the adoration, appreciation and admiration you have for him on here.

 

 

And you can never see yourself without your husband? Well, get used to it, because if he finds out and if he has a spine, he'll walk.

 

 

Never see yourself without your husband. Hmmm...didn't read that anywhere. Probably lost between you seeing yourself in this other dude's bed and doing anything to get there.

 

 

Girl, you seriously need to wake up and start realizing what you're about to lose!!!! What if he does divorce you? Will it be worth it? You have kids? How will it feel to be a part time mom? Because he has rights as a father. He'll be entitled to have his kids too!

 

 

You need to wake up.

[autumnnight]

It's only bad because we've cultivated a society of possessive sexual relationships, association of sex with self worth and valuing it only in terms of emotional intimacy, and the expectation of feelings of betrayal of our partner wanders.

We are expected to bemoan our inability to control our significant other, when in reality if we were less concerned with how outsiders viewed our interpersonal relationships and more about letting our partners express themselves (in all aspects not iust sex) we'd all be a helluva lot happier and content.

 

If you believe any of what you are saying you will have no problem telling your husband.

[maymaymay]

if it is an open and honest relationship, do what ever you want. What we are keying into is your dishonesty. Question - why can't you be honest with your husband?

 

Because I'm afraid he'll react the way the majority of you are.

[aliveagain]

Because I'm afraid he'll react the way the majority of you are.

 

So what does that tell you, were all wrong or maybe marriage isn't for you?

[SoulCat]

Don't lie, you never had any respect for me, haha haha.

 

Uhm, I wasn't lying. I said 'any respect I may have had'.

If anything, it implied ambiguity. Not lies.

 

 

Lying is more your forte.

[eye of the storm]

lol sounds to me like she is googling things that will say it is ok to cheat.

 

That is why the writing styles are different.

 

There are consequences to every action/choice. There are also responsibilities that come with rights.

 

If you want the right to have sexual relations with anyone you want, you have the responsibility to be open and honest about it.

 

If your H says no, which he has the right to do because it was not the original contract he had with you, then you have the right to get a divorce. And so does he. You do not have the right to force him to accept you changing the terms of the contract you two agreed to when you got married. Just like he cannot force you to be faithful.

 

When my daughter turned 18 she said she could come home whenever she wanted to. I told her that she most certainly could, when she paid her own rent in her own place. She wanted all the rights with none of the responsibilities. You sound a lot like she used to, before she grew up.

[Sastrugi]

Because I'm afraid he'll react the way the majority of you are.

Then by definition you have already hurt him and are betraying your vows. You do understand you are nolonger a safe partner in this relationship.

 

you are admitting then how selfish you are, and as much as you love your husband, you dont care.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Girl, you seriously need to wake up and start realizing what you're about to lose!!!! What if he does divorce you? Will it be worth it? You have kids? How will it feel to be a part time mom? Because he has rights as a father. He'll be entitled to have his kids too!

 

 

You need to wake up.

Nah, she is not gonna lose anything, she will be happy getting what she wants. Well, if the guy will finally deign to have sex with her which seems questionable at this point! Husband is gonna gain too once he realizes that he is out of a toxic situation and he and the kids can build a healthy and happy life someplace far away with somebody alot different!! And she can get laid! :bunny:

 

OP I am 100% supportive of your plan! If you can convince that guy that it would be an ok idea to have a ONS with you, go for it!! :bunny:

[gettingstronger]

I guess I am confused on the issue here- are you saying the friend wants to sleep with you but its societal norms that are holding him back and not his lack of interest in having sex with you?

 

I don't get it- look all over this board- societal norms have not prevented so many of these people from having sex outside of their marriage. I still think he likes to flirt but does not want to engage in sex with a married person- for his own reasons, not societies-

[Hope Shimmers]

Well. If nothing else, congratulations are in order for getting 99% of people on this particular forum to completely agree with each other. Rarely happens.

 

I want to know how I can get him to agree to see me.

 

You can't. Simple answer.

 

You said he was receptive at first but now is saying no. I can understand why. And if you sent him that text you posted, then he is now thinking that you are some kind of bunny boiler psycho person, because that's exactly how it reads - and he is probably running as fast as he can in the other direction.

 

I'll leave off the comments about morality and how this is so unfair to your husband, since that's been adequately covered already. However, you might also want to consider the irony of you stating how the construct of fidelity in marriage is all wrong - yet you married "forsaking all others". Bet your husband would see that irony.

 

Lastly - ****ing this guy is not going to "get him out of your system." It will just fuse him into your system and into your head. TRUST me on that one.

[William]

We're going to close this one up temporarily while moderation takes a closer look at it. ~Thank you

 

After review, this thread has run it's course and will remain closed.

Edited September 4, 2015 by William

[William]

Original William here:

 

For those of you who no longer have posting privileges, the reason is listed in your moderator approval message.

 

Here's the short version:

 

Moderation received one report on this thread:

 

"Insulting and getting personal by suggesting someone has a personality disorder when they are not an online diagnostician."

 

The 'someone' being referred to was the thread starter. Not one member reported this thread as a potential troll or other violation of our guidelines. Given the number of members who lost their privileges I can only conclude that you enjoy this behavior on-forum and moderation, this moderator anyway, is not going to enable that behavior regardless of who you are or what you might contribute here.

 

Moderation is still working the thread and the results will display. For those who chose to follow our guidelines of discussion, we thank you for your participation.