Husband says i will make him lose friends?

[Timshel]

Why? He spends 99% of his time with you when he's not at work... You can't be cool with him having a social life and watching a 2 hour sports game without you? I don't understand why you are making this such a big deal. It's not whatsoever. If he's a good husband and provides and works hard then wtf why can't he spend some time with his buddies!?

 

I don't think this is about quantity Q but quality. She's not feeling it. I agree with Elaine, don't have kids yet. You two need to work on being a couple first. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel, that you would like time together to feel closer to him. Plan some fun activities together.....cooking, walking, host a weekly/monthly dinner party......whatever you two both enjoy. It does take two and you need to find a way to bring both of your lives together and in unison.

[elaine567]

I very much doubt that this about watching sport. This is about trust in her husband.

 

[unattributed material redacted]

 

She, I guess, is pretty unhappy here and just needs some reassurance, that he actually cares for her at all.

First, she feels he deceived her, then he chooses his mother over her, and now he is choosing his friends over her, I guess she is feeling pretty deserted here.

Edited September 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[privategal]

My husband used to go out with his friends a lot before we married.It was a group of 4 guys,they used to hang out every day almost.Today as married this is something he can not do of course.Of all his friends only he is married now.He feels like he is loosing them and blames it on me.We came with an agreement every week 1 day he can hang out with them but he still misses the old life.What can i do ? i am not willing to let him go out as he used to before,i feel its wrong but at the same time he is bored and has nothing to do.is there anything?

 

Sadly Id call his bluff and ask him if he wants to be set free.

Id never want a spouse whos heart isnt into the marriage who would rather go out without me and who is bored.

My husband and I date, we go to games and concerts or just stroll the city. We are friends...best friends.

We didn't just get married and hope for the best...we work at making it fun.

Trying to hold him to the marriage is gonna fail. If he doesn't want it...let him go.

[Kamille]

you guys do not get it,,,its sitting at a local cafe for an hour or so,,they did that always after work...while the other friends girlfriend was there we were all together and it was fine,but now i am the only girl and it becomes boring

 

The ideal scenario would be for your networks to mesh. Anyway you could invite friends of yours to the cafe? That way you won't get bored.

[adna89]

I very much doubt that this about watching sport. This is about trust in her husband.

 

She, I guess, is pretty unhappy here and just needs some reassurance, that he actually cares for her at all.

First, she feels he deceived her, then he chooses his mother over her, and now he is choosing his friends over her, I guess she is feeling pretty deserted here.

 

This is exactly what i feel.He tries to be there for me when it comes to the mother in law problems,but obviously he can not be the enemy of his own mother.And when he argues with her and later on starts talking nice to her again i feel betrayed....i know its silly but still can not help my self

Edited September 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sandylee1]

You should do stuff on your own he does stuff alone and both of you together.

 

Do you work? If so, why not socialise with colleagues. Or if their not your kind of people, develop a hobby for yourself. I wonder if your H just wants to stay out longer to avoid arguments and being in the middle of you and his mother.

 

If you keep him from his friends he'll become resentful. I'm not saying 5 days a week with them is acceptable, but you shouldn't have to put a number on it.

Edited September 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Keenly]

I feel your being pretty controlling.

 

 

The " he should want to spend time with me" stuff is you wanting him to think and feel like you think and feel, but he is his own person.

 

Is it really the end of the world that he wants to see his friends for 2 hours? Is it really? . I think you are being way unreasonable.

[Keenly]

I think OP doesn't have any form of social life, her whole life is her husband and it's suffocating him.

[beatcuff]

For example tomorrow he wants to go out alone with his friends and watch a game,i really think he should be watching with his wife

 

so what do you 'approve' for friend time? what wrong with the guys going to a sports bar to watch a game.

 

Keenly is right this has 'controlling' written all over it. the problem is not him, its you.

[Pastypop]

Let him get it out his system otherwise, he will resent you.

[BlueBlood]

All else aside? Please don't get pregnant right now. The comment about you having kids so he can go out and you won't be bored sent off a ton of alarm bells in my head. I can't imagine saying that seriously to anyone. Kids are a ton of work, a lifetime of work, that while beautiful and amazing, isn't to be undertaken lightly. They are certainly not boredom busters. The very idea is baffling.

 

Plus I'd hope his desire would be to support and spend his time and energy with his partner and child, not use one as a way to escape the other...

[bathtub-row]

I would suggest that you just ignore this stuff and stop making an issue of it. The more you make an issue of it, the more he's going to feel restricted. If he only goes out for awhile after work, I don't see what the big deal is, anyway.

 

Marriage isn't about controlling what each other does and it doesn't mean giving up things you love, or the person you are. He probably really enjoys hanging out with his friends. There's nothing wrong with that. Now, if this is a trust issue and you think he's hitting on women while he's out, that's another thing.

 

My guess is that if you'd stop trying to pull in the reins and stop thinking that he needs to be with you every second that he's not working, then things will probably improve greatly. No one - and I mean no one - likes to feel controlled and restricted. This is a dealbreaker in a LOT of relationships.

[adna89]

All else aside? Please don't get pregnant right now. The comment about you having kids so he can go out and you won't be bored sent off a ton of alarm bells in my head. I can't imagine saying that seriously to anyone. Kids are a ton of work, a lifetime of work, that while beautiful and amazing, isn't to be undertaken lightly. They are certainly not boredom busters. The very idea is baffling.

 

Plus I'd hope his desire would be to support and spend his time and energy with his partner and child, not use one as a way to escape the other...

 

No he meant so he could have other things to think about.With kids he will naturally have less time to go out

[elaine567]

No he meant so he could have other things to think about.With kids he will naturally have less time to go out

 

Yes, that is how you see it, but will he?

Or will he see that your "boredom" is then relieved, which frees him up "to do as he pleases" with his friends again.

Some men are very hands on when it comes to kids and will do their fair share or almost their fair share, others see looking after kids as woman's work and leave it to the woman 99.9% of the time.

He is the son of a mother who dedicated herself 100% to him, so I guess he will see parenting as woman's work, but I could be wrong...

 

I personally think there are bigger issues here that having kids will make worse, not better.

 

• TRUST - The OPs husband is a guy who was in a relationship with someone else in the first 3 months of their dating (she found out after the marriage).
  When she was thought things were"serious" from day one and he led her to believe that that was the case too, but he was already 4-5 months into another relationship and continued to see both women for a further 3 months. #1
  
• TRUST - This is a guy that has gone AWOL with his friends, #1
  
• TRUST and UNHAPPINESS - The OP lives necessarily with her MIL (cultural norm). The MIL badmouths her behind her back, is demanding and controlling and the OP feels her husband does not back the her up enough. #1, #1
  
• BOUNDARIES - the OP needs to assert her position in the household, the MIL being a widow is extremely close and protective of her son, she has dedicated her life to him. The OP is the interloper.
  If the OP fails to set boundaries, she will end up being the brood mare, the nanny and the servant to the dominant "couple" (the widow and her son). #1
  
  

I also feel the chances of the son leaving his mother to live by herself, and moving to a house of his own with the OP, are extremely slim here.

One, it is the cultural "norm" for her to live with her son and DIL , and two, how could he leave his mother to "fend for herself" and be "sad and lonely", when she has "given up her life" for him... What sort of a son would do that to his devoted mother?

 

It is all a bit of a dilemma for the OP.

Bringing kids ASAP into the mix I guess will not help.

[poofitsgone]

No he meant so he could have other things to think about.With kids he will naturally have less time to go out

 

You don't need children to stay busy.

 

I'm not quite sure whats going on here. Why is he only allowed to see his friends once a week? If it was because it was eating into husband and wife time that makes perfect sense, but if its "just because" thats seems unreasonable and controlling.

 

It sounds like boredom might be a problem. Try to come up with a list of things and activities you both enjoy and can do together and then do them.

In my mind, husbands usually spend less time with their friends because they're busy doing things with their wives. It should happen naturally, not something that's forced.