gingerbee Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Hello community! I have been going crazy with problem and what to do and since the guy and I both have mutual friends I haven't really been able to talk to anyone about it. I recently relocated and met a really charming gentleman through our group of friends. Before even meeting, our friend told both of us we would probably end up dating since we were so similar and we hit it off as soon as we started talking. He asked me out after a couple of weeks and we began going hiking, camping and stargazing together. On the second date, he kissed me and there was instant chemistry and we would have make out sessions that would last HOURS- something I've never experienced with my ex of 5 years! He would tell me the most beautiful things I've ever heard someone say about me- all of them he meant- and is just an all around nice, funny, intelligent and cute guy! We've had nights where we stayed up late talking to 4am or later, and I have never been looked at, kissed or held with such affection that this guy showed. So the problem that happened is- sex. We ended up watching a meteor shower and got caught up in the moment, where I said I thought I was falling in love with him and that he fell in love with me the moment he kissed me. He was a virgin when we had sex (him 26, me 24) but we were doing some oral and other fooling around before sex as well and everything was going fine. Then one day, out of nowhere, he ends it and wants to just be friends. And this wasn't right after sex- it was like a week or two after. He asked that night if we were boyfriend and girlfriend which I agreed to and then the next day I got freaked out by the title and said I wanted to keep continuing what we were doing but that I still cared a lot about him and he was ok with that and understood completely (something I really like about him!). Then, he tells me that he wants to just be friends because he doesn't want to hurt me and needs to work on his own issues (he's depressed) and can't go around hurting people. He then told me that some of the stuff he said like him loving me was just infatuation which I can understand because it was all new, but still thinks I'm special and has all these great skills and blah blah. He also said that he couldn't keep up with me- it just sounds like a bunch of excuses. Anyway, I just don't know what to do! I can't get this guy out of my mind and I'm not quite sure what his intentions were. I don't know if he used me for sex, which doesn't seem likely because he cried when he broke it off, or if he's pulling away and there's some chance that it could work again or we tried and he just isn't into me. We still hang out with our group of friends and it's like nothing ever changed- except we don't get to hang out alone. I did tell him never to make a move on me again, which I regret because I obviously want him to and he has very low self esteem and is very shy. What should I do in this very weird situation?? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I'd expand my social circle & avoid him as much as possible. You both are pretty clueless about what you really want. You are both back peddling. Neither of you wants a relationship so chalk it up to the meteor shower & let him be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gingerbee Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 I mean I didn't want to be called boyfriend and girlfriend yet but was thinking it was going to be a long time thing. Was that the problem? I just didn't want a label so soon after meeting the guy- even though we got so physical so soon- which is not the kind of girl I am! I think why that's what's giving me the most problems to wrap my mind around the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I mean I didn't want to be called boyfriend and girlfriend yet but was thinking it was going to be a long time thing. Was that the problem? I just didn't want a label so soon after meeting the guy- even though we got so physical so soon- which is not the kind of girl I am! I think why that's what's giving me the most problems to wrap my mind around the situation. You took his virginity, agreed to be his girlfriend and then rejected him. If I were him, I'd feel used, bruised, and devalued. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xUnknown Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I'm with PaperCrane on all aspects on this one. If I were him I'd walk away from you too. Perhaps another reason is that he though you broke it off because you wanted to see other people. After you took his V-card, he was hurt at the possibility of you doing that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gingerbee Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Omg no! I still told him I felt exactly the same way, just wasn't ready for a label. Not a rejection at all because we still dated for a couple of weeks after. Plus why would he then say he wasn't sure of his feelings and that he didn't mean some of what he said? Idk like I said I'm confused and maybe what I did was the wrong thing but is there any way to fix it? I would love to let it be but can't get him out of my mind and he's really a sweet guy. Or is it too late and I screwed everything up or what he said was literal? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 You may not have been rejecting him but that's the way he took it & the way many of us here on LS took it. You can try reassuring him but you are going to have to get over your fear of labels. Being his official & exclusive GF at this point is about the only thing that might work but you have probably made him very distrustful of you & you will have to earn that back Link to post Share on other sites
Author gingerbee Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Ok. I'm just nervous since he broke it off he's pretty set on keeping it as it is. Man, I guess we all get rejected sometimes in life. Sometimes twice by the same guy haha. Guys are hard to read sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 By your own admission you rejected him first. Then again when you said "never make a move on me again." He said what he did TO KEEP HIS DIGNITY after you took his V-card, accepted the girlfriend label and then threw it back at him. I'm sorry for my harsh tone, but seriously can you not see what you did to this poor guy? Geez laweez. You don't just take the girlfriend label and throw it away like that. This dude was a virgin in his 20's. That alone is stigma enough, then you rejected his feelings. "Hard to read." ...what? He told you point blank that night what he wanted. It was in 70 point font on white paper in bold black letters. Rant done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gingerbee Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Wow geez laweez to you I just came on here for help! Even when I expressed my feelings for him that was still what he told me, I'm more the kind of person who just says what they want so all this trying to read into it because he had to keep his dignity, so wouldn't black and white just be saying how he feels like I did to him? I just know he used his depression as an excuse so that was another thing I came for assistance for. Not to be belittled because I needed some help with what was going on. There's no need to be rude to someone with a problem- I hope no one treats you like that! But I know depression causes people to withdraw but was it really all caused by me even with all the things he told me about him being unsure of how he felt? I feel that he could've just been happy when I told him I still wanted to date and not end it but he kept saying he didn't want to hurt me, because believe it or not I put a lot of trust in him and was dropped pretty abruptly. I just don't know if there's any way to fix this or if it is too late because we already talked everything out to not be awkward around our group of friends and we don't text, call or hang out alone anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Wow geez laweez to you I just came on here for help! Even when I expressed my feelings for him that was still what he told me, I'm more the kind of person who just says what they want so all this trying to read into it because he had to keep his dignity, so wouldn't black and white just be saying how he feels like I did to him? I just know he used his depression as an excuse so that was another thing I came for assistance for. Not to be belittled because I needed some help with what was going on. There's no need to be rude to someone with a problem- I hope no one treats you like that! But I know depression causes people to withdraw but was it really all caused by me even with all the things he told me about him being unsure of how he felt? I feel that he could've just been happy when I told him I still wanted to date and not end it but he kept saying he didn't want to hurt me, because believe it or not I put a lot of trust in him and was dropped pretty abruptly. I just don't know if there's any way to fix this or if it is too late because we already talked everything out to not be awkward around our group of friends and we don't text, call or hang out alone anymore. gingerbee, calm down for a second, then re-read this whole thread, You may getting worked up over nothing, I don't think you got what he said! I understand you're here for a problem, one you think was started by him, However, from my understanding, and from others' as well, we're not basing this off a whim. Him being a virgin at 26 tells me enough about the guy, That either he's socially awkward or he never had the opportunity arise, In either case, this incident was somewhat of importance I'd say, As he asked if he could be your boyfriend right away! The fact that you said yes, AND THEN you said no, hurt him more than you'll even admit to yourself to know, To you, you wanted to keep dating and were scared of the label And to you, it seemed to end there, and everything was stable! However, that simply isn't the case, as evidenced by his actions, After your reaction to that same important incident, his heart was in fractions, He told you he understood and he was ok with it simply to save some face, As he just lost the original reason why he was here in the first place. He is telling you the reason for all this is depression, What he isn't telling you is how he feels about your session, This isn't a guy who simply 'used you for sex', then moved on, This is a guy who had real feelings, then got told they were wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gingerbee Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Thank you. I just don't know why even after me telling him I was still rejected. I just feel like now I ruined a good thing without even knowing I was hurting him. I just hope I can still (maybe) convince him to give me another chance, but I'm nervous I'll be turned down again and he won't even want to hang around me as a friend anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gingerbee Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 And I love the rhyming!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author gingerbee Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Does anyone have advice on what I can do? I'm sorry but no offense I realize that I screwed it all up but is there a way to fix it or is it over? Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Thank you for the compliment, it's a challenge to myself, To make every response I can in rhymes as well as try to help, In your situation, I think he's just a bit scared to pursue, Show him you still like him and are willing to go down that avenue! Be clear that you weren't rejecting him, that you're just scared of the label, But that you really like him, but because this isn't a fable, You'd like to take it slow, but you are NOT backing out, That he should chase after you instead of sitting there to pout (playfully!)! Link to post Share on other sites
Author gingerbee Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Ok I can try and tell him again- especially since when he told me he wasn't sure how he felt and broke it off I got defensive and told him not to ask me out again! I'm just afraid everything he originally said was true and I'll just look like a crazy fool for trying so hard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Ok I can try and tell him again- especially since when he told me he wasn't sure how he felt and broke it off I got defensive and told him not to ask me out again! I'm just afraid everything he originally said was true and I'll just look like a crazy fool for trying so hard. You will never be looked at as a fool for going after what you want, Don't ever let that notion hang around in your mind and allow it to haunt, IF he isn't receptive, or he isn't interested in you, Then we were wrong with our advice, and you went after what you wanted too! Link to post Share on other sites
bodidlee Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 There seems to be a lot of confusion going on from your end. You say you have an ex of 5 years. How long have you two been separated? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gingerbee Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 My ex and I broke up about 6 months ago. He was a major alcoholic jerk so don't tell me I'm still hung up on him haha. This new guy is basically the exact opposite of him too so I know it's not me trying to cling on to a memory of my ex or anything like that or just missing being in a relationship bc I was doing fine being single! Believe me, I've thought long and hard about it all! I'm just worried since we now agreed to be friends I'll look like the crazy one. But might as well go for it and just get rejected and no for sure than to be in this wondering what if stage. It's just now hard to find a time to be alone with him since now we only hang out in groups! But hopefully bearing my heart won't hurt too much haha Link to post Share on other sites
Author gingerbee Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'll have to update you all on when I finally get the courage to talk to him and can be alone with him. This whole thing is nerve wracking! Link to post Share on other sites
bodidlee Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Ok well 6 months is still a short amount of time. And if he was a big jerk and this guy is the complete polar opposite, maybe you're clinging onto him because he actually makes you feel special. Which isn't a bad thing, don't get me wrong. But maybe you're going at it way too hard and fast. Perhaps sex wasn't the best option because it seems like that definitely complicated things from the getgo. It sounds like you two had a great thing before that happened. Link to post Share on other sites
bodidlee Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 So, in a nutshell I would approach him and just say that the sex was too fast to get into and maybe you guys should try again and keep the sex on the shelf and get to know each other slower. It adds to the romance, trust me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author gingerbee Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Yea I definitely regret rushing! I hope it can work out! Link to post Share on other sites
bodidlee Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 In the end you're going to do what you want to do and honestly, if you are so infatuated with this guy, you'll probably end up having sex again anyway as soon as possible. Hope it all works out for the best in the end. Just keep his feelings in mind right now and not so much yours. Link to post Share on other sites
GypsyGirl966 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 If you really want this man back, you will need to risk humiliating yourself as much as he felt humiliated by what happened. I agree with the fellas that taking his V-card, agreeing to be his GF, then going with the lame "I don't like labels" backpedal must have been devastating for this man. You have nothing to lose by laying it all out for this man that you really, really like him, and that you are also really, really scared about getting hurt and/or hurting him, and that you'd like to give it another try if he has the courage in his heart to give you a second chance. He might say "no way", in which case that will sting for you, but at least you will know instead of spending a lifetime wondering how it could have turned out if you had swallowed your pride and humbled yourself to the pain you caused him and your fear that drove you to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
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