Excuse for a breakup?

[Tommy Boy]

I have been dating this women for 4 months now. We are totally exclusive and were even on a wonderful cruise together about 3 weeks ago. We get along great and have fun together. She tells me how much she love how romantic I am (especially when I cook dinner and play her piano). She recently was promoted at work (retail) and it requires her to spend a lot of time at the store. I have been very supportive and have never infringed on her time. In fact she told me how supportive I have been. The problem is that recently she told me that she is so busy with work and is so tired that she is not sure if she now has time for a relationship. She said that she now feels guilty when she receives little gifts and cards from me because she says she is too tired to reciprocate. I was on a business trip recently and haven't seen her for 10 days. She told me on the phone that she is so busy that she doesn't know when she can see me next, but finally said that she has Sat. free after a baby shower. So I'm wondering is this really about her job or about our relationship. I haven't changed at all. I'm caring, loving and understanding. She however (although it is a new job)can't seem to find time even during the day to take a 5 min. break to meet me for coffee right outside her store (my office is 2 blocks away). I have always been honest with her and have asked for the same in return. She said there is no other person she is seeing. What is your read on this? How should I treat her. It has created some anger in my feeling for her. And I obviously want to maintain my self respect and dignity. Your help would be so greatly appreciated.

[Tony T]

You need to have a person to person talk with her and put all your cards on the table. Let her know the remarks she makes do not make you feel very special and indicates to you that the relationship may not be very important to her. (As you said, if she wanted to she could easily give up a few minutes to meet you for coffee just outside her store.)

 

Now, if you've been too nice to her and she's sort of getting bored, you are the one who will have to turn this around. But I wouldn't put up with her attitude for a second.

 

If she doesn't have a real good reason why she is putting you off, you ought to just get off yourself and move on.

 

Believe me, when people want to make time for something or someone...they find a way to do it. Beyond that, I really don't know what's going on in her head. A good talk with her should reveal it but don't terminate your discussion until this is resolved.

 

Don't discount the fact that she could very well love you to death but really feel she can't give the relationship the kind of attention it deserves. She may be very independent and want to concentrate on her career at this time...even if it's a retail job. Some of those can advance to pretty high paying positions. If that's the case, consider yourself lucky to be getting some honesty here. Either strike a compromise with her that she can feel good about or leave her to pursue her bliss alone.

 

There's also a great chance she's frightened of the intensity the relationship has reached so quickly (in her mind) and she's using getting lost in her work as an good excuse for squeezing by what is an uncomfortable dilemma for her. Some people are just afraid of intimate relationships...especially if they aren't ready for one yet. Workaholism is no less of an escape than alcohol or drugs.

 

So, I leave you this one to figure out on your own.