Standard-Fare Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancee, or spouse. We've all been in this position before in some way. How have you personally handled it? I'm currently dealing with this with my best friend (female), who is about to walk down the aisle next month to a guy I really can't stand. I'm not alone in feeling this way; over the years this guy's personality flaws have alienated my friend from many of her family members and past friends. I've always kept my mouth shut about how I really feel. Everyone has. But as I'm accepting that I'm losing a very important person in my life, it's troubling me more. This guy doesn't like me and makes it clear that I'm not welcome in his home, and as a couple he and my friend are growing more and more insular. I'm guessing these trends will continue post-wedding. What's there for me to do here, other than continuing to keep my mouth shut? Do I have anything to lose by being honest? (And of course I wouldn't ever expect or want to have anything to do with their decision to marry, this has more to do with the role I'll play in my friend's life going forward.) Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I don't think you can say the guy sucks. But maybe you can say you miss her and you want to make sure that after she he's married you guys will find a way to make time for each other regularly - maybe a monthly dinner just the 2 of you? Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Also why aren't you welcome in his home? That seems extreme. Was there an inciting incident? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 When 1 person doesn't like your SO it's a personality conflict. When the entire inner circle has concerns, the person needs to take a long hard look because they may be missing something. Unless I see abuse, I try to get along with everybody. If the SO is simply somebody I can't deal with, I try to spend time with my friend, 1 on 1 without the SO. If asked, I may express why I don't care for the SO but I'd never volunteer that info. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 The problem is usually that their SO won't let them spend one-on-one time and gets mad or retaliates every time they do, assuming they don't just outright nix it or manipulate them. I agree with Donnivain that if lots of people don't like him, it's probably a real problem. I'm close enough with my friends that I can just ask them if he ever gets physical and tell them when I think he's being controlling. No, this doesn't make me popular with the bfs, but who cares? I'm there for my friends and try not to let them get sucked in by a controller that is carrying red flags. But you can't stop everyone from learning the hard way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 (edited) If you and others feel that he's pressuring her to withdraw from her loved ones, you can speak your piece, even if it affects the friendship (something you're worried about happening anyway). Going in saying "everyone thinks that your fiance's an a**hole" probably won't work. Asking, "Are you happy? I'm a bit concerned, because we don't see you as much as we used to," might get her to take note of his behavior, rather than just shutting down the minute you badmouth this guy. You can remain a supportive friend, even if you don't support her marriage to this guy. Try to keep in touch, ask her out for lunch and get a group of friends together for outings. Unless and until she decides to get out of this relationship, there's not much else you can do. Edited September 3, 2015 by O'Malley 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Standard-Fare Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 OP rejoining this thread after a gap: I've never been explicitly told I'm "not welcome," but at a certain point that vibe gets so strong I just know it's there. For ex., my friend hosted me a birthday party at her house this year and in the middle of it the fiancee huffed out and went somewhere else for the night. He claimed he was uncomfortable with various social elements in the room, which I believe is true, but the whole thing was indicative of his general attitude toward my friend engaging in social situations that aren't centered around HIM. It's the type of atmosphere where I'm always made to feel like I'm intruding, or harming their relationship in some way. I'm her closest friend, so I've noticed it the most, but I've definitely seen several other of her friendships and family relationships suffer over the years as this couple just builds an isolated world for themselves. In some ways I guess this is natural and happens to every married couple, but they seem to be taking it to the next level. Link to post Share on other sites
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