Ex sent me an email that has me emotionally upset.

[AnotherIdiot]

My ex and I had been together for 4 years, but she left after college to go live in Oregon. We were in a rough patch at the time, so we made tentative plans of getting back together in Oregon. We agreed that we have the option to see other people, but that if we do then we should be willing to end the relationship completely at that point. Not that she was willing to break up, just not willing to be together yet. I don't think she wanted to be responsible for the break up. I suspect she wanted me to be liable for that. We were in contact nearly every day through text and phone calls, but eventually her phone calls stopped. After 10 months I demanded that she tell me where she stands in this relationship, because during that entire time I was feeling daily angst over us reconciling. I offered to take my last class in Oregon, but she wasn't willing to commit to anything anymore at that point. Since I was hurting for so long, and desperate for peace of mind again, I suggested we just end it and stop talking because I felt like that was what she was waiting for. Though, she never wanted to stop talking to me because I'm her emotional support.

 

After two months I sent an email to her, just pictures of my dog (and truthfully, I hadn't stopped missing her during that time). We had a few exchanges, usually sharing news articles. A few days ago she asked if we could talk on the phone and we had a nearly 7 hour conversation that night. I also found out that she had slept with another man. It was the first time one of us had sex with another person since we had been together. I was devastated, but not mad. I told her that I couldn't talk to her anymore, because I'm unable to be just her friend (I'm her confidant and only friend). We ended that conversation on good terms, but I told her that I don't want to hear from her anymore because this entire year had been a living hell, and there's no way I can keep talking to her without feeling emotional pain. I felt like I needed to take care of my own emotional and mental sanity before I can help her with her's.

 

Anyways, she sent me an email a few days ago and said how the thought of me and the chance of us reconciling had made her cry. Apparently the line from With a Little Help from My Friends, "what would you do if I sang out of tune?", reminded her of me and made her cry, unfortunately for my singing voice .

 

This isn't exactly an invitation to begin something new, but it confused me none the less. I don't think I can be with her again because she slept with another man. It hurts because I've tried hard for so long to fix our distance, then she throws this in my face. I'm both angry and sad. She thinks I'm selfish because I don't want to talk to her anymore, but the pain of talking to her is remarkable.

 

Am I wrong to force a break of contact? More importantly, am I wrong to decide that I'll never date her again? I can't get these intrusive thoughts of him and her out of my head, and it makes her so foreign to me. I wish I could have the girl I knew; not the one I know now.

 

Sorry if this post seems to be dry and skimping on details. I lost my original post because I actually closed my window, so I rushed this one a bit. If there are any important details you think are missing, please ask for clarification without hesitation.

 

More importantly, I hope I'm not violating board rules with this post. I can't find anything that deals specifically with these kinds of posts. If I am, I very much apologize.

Edited September 3, 2015 by AnotherIdiot
Added more details, corrected some grammar.

[maymaymay]

Obviously if your feelings are preventing you from being a supportive non romantic partner, give yourself space.

However, cut her some slack. You say she has little to no other support other than you, you two were apart and essentially broken up and she sought solace in another person. The sex was a way for her to.feel good for a little bit. She didn't do it to hurt you. I think you are being more than a little unfair to.hold that against her.

[bluefeather]

I wouldn't cut her slack. you said "We agreed that we have the option to see other people, but that if we do then we should be willing to end the relationship completely at that point." So that's it. It happened, so the relationship should be over, as per your agreement. Seems like you are going back on your word there, as she probably did too.

 

IMO you both messed up the moment you agreed to be apart but still act like you were together. For me, I'm either in a relationship or I'm not. None of this "space" or "kinda-sorta" or "it's complicated" bs.

 

Couples have fights. Couples have problems. If someone doesn't want to stick it out or try to work it out, but instead want to walk out of the relationship because they are "unsure," they can keep on walking.

 

Damn that sounded really bitter, didn't it? lol... Sorry if it did. I experienced someone wanting to not be in a relationship with me but she still wanted sex and attention like if we were still together. Maybe that's almost every guy's dream in a girl, but not mine. I wish for a committed relationship. I wish for love and a wife and a family if possible. Most importantly, I wish for someone who is sure of what she wants.

 

side-tracking... sorry! back to you. umm I would have a very hard time being with a girl if she went out for a bang and I didn't. The flame probably wouldn't be there for me anymore. But then again, I wouldn't let myself be put in the situation of being "together but not." It's just too... I don't know what word to describe it. undedicated? for both sides.

[AnotherIdiot]

Maymaymay,

 

I definitely don't hold it against her in a bitter way. My decision to break off contact is certainly a selfish decision, but I want to stop feeling anxiety. My ex hasn't felt this anxiety for as long as I have. If anything, it has just begun for her very recently. I just want my turn for some peace.

 

bluefeather,

 

I think you're right. We made the decision to suspend our relationship because of physical distance and at the time we were arguing because we couldn't make time for each other due to school and work. Her departure felt so abrupt, it was hard to make such a huge decision. For 4 years we never spent more than a month or two from each other.

 

But yes, it would've been better if had more commitment to a decision before she left.

 

You First,

 

That thread you posted is freakishly spot-on to what is happening right now. There's some relief in this for me. It's also a little sad because I always had the delusional belief that we had a mutual and mature relationship with each other, but psychology usually makes a fool of our beliefs. Thanks for sharing that, it's given me a lot to think about.

 

---

 

I think these few posts have helped me to stand by my conviction to forget about trying to fix something that is broken.

 

Is distancing myself indefinitely wrong though? Should I keep talking to her, despite how that would make me feel? I don't want to wrong her. I'm just trying to discriminate the line between being rational and overreactive.

Edited September 3, 2015 by AnotherIdiot

[blackcat777]

Going no contact isn't extreme--it's essential. It's the absolute best thing you can do for yourself.

 

I wrote a post here about my experiences with the most devastating breakup of my life and going NC. I did eventually get back together with my ex, but not before healing and moving on, and it's impossible to do that without NC.

 

Don't send a happy birthday text. Don't email pictures of your dog. Definitely don't have seven hour phone calls. It's the best thing for the both of you.

 

When a relationship ends, you have to focus on you--it's the only way to get your self-esteem back. That means forgetting the other person. Every time you reach out to a person who rejects you, it hurts you. It tears the wounds open all over again.

 

If you were curious about my thread and thoughts on NC, here it is. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/544984-my-reconciliation-story-when-how-apply-nc-success

 

I wish you the best.

[bluefeather]

Best of luck to you

 

And I wholeheartedly agree with blackcat777. (Seriously, your recent stories about handling NC is like one of the best things I've found since trying to figure out how to get through my relationship issues. Thank you!!!)

 

I think you will find many answers you seek and what you can expect in the future from your Ex in the following thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

Thank you for this link. I'll be reading it today as well.

[AnotherIdiot]

Going no contact isn't extreme--it's essential. It's the absolute best thing you can do for yourself.

 

I wrote a post here about my experiences with the most devastating breakup of my life and going NC. I did eventually get back together with my ex, but not before healing and moving on, and it's impossible to do that without NC.

 

Don't send a happy birthday text. Don't email pictures of your dog. Definitely don't have seven hour phone calls. It's the best thing for the both of you.

 

When a relationship ends, you have to focus on you--it's the only way to get your self-esteem back. That means forgetting the other person. Every time you reach out to a person who rejects you, it hurts you. It tears the wounds open all over again.

 

If you were curious about my thread and thoughts on NC, here it is. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/544984-my-reconciliation-story-when-how-apply-nc-success

 

I wish you the best.

 

You're post was awesome and insightful, I really appreciate it. I feel more assured in my decision to go through with NC. You said something in that post that sort of haunts me though:

 

If you had an awesome relationship with your ex, and a GIGS-style breakup happened out of nowhere, due to a change in life circumstances, or perhaps because you were someone's first serious relationship... there is a good chance the ex will come back to you in the right way. If this happens, NC IS THE ONLY WAY TO PREPARE YOU AND YOUR EX for reconciliation!

 

Mainly because I wouldn't know how to feel if I got an email that said "I want you back" from her. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. My feelings might change by then, and it's possible I'll have moved on and matured from the fact that she's been intimate with someone else.

 

Thanks again.

[emotional_particle]

my situation is similar to you and i think it's better to move on. situations like this, it's never gonna work out. you can't trust her again no matter what. there is gonna be the thought of her leaving you again to be with another man and you know what? there is a big chance of her doing that again. just work on improving yourself and move on.

[kendahke]

 

Am I wrong to force a break of contact? More importantly, am I wrong to decide that I'll never date her again? I can't get these intrusive thoughts of him and her out of my head, and it makes her so foreign to me. I wish I could have the girl I knew; not the one I know now.

 

No, because you quite clearly state:

I'm unable to be just her friend (I'm her confidant and only friend).

I don't want to hear from her anymore because this entire year had been a living hell, and there's no way I can keep talking to her without feeling emotional pain.

I felt like I needed to take care of my own emotional and mental sanity before I can help her with her's.

 

I'd say you're in the right. Her needs have been demoted. You have to look out for yourself.