Boyfriend isn't sure he wants children..

[Brrbuttery]

Hey guys, just come across this site and to be honest I don't really have anyone to discuss this with so putting it out to you lot..

 

My boyfriend isn't sure if he wants kids and I'm not sure how I feel about this. Bit of background, I am nearly 25, he's 30 and we've been together over 4 years, 2 of which were long distance. I moved over 200 miles and gave up my friends, family and an amazing job. Before I moved I asked him. I needed to know there was a possibility. He said maybe then. That was fine. I didn't necessarily want a yes to kids but I wanted to know it was an option rather than an outright no. We had started the conversation talking about his friends and how one couple are expecting their second. As the conversation developed I asked him if he ever wanted kids and he isn't sure. We were out having dinner and drinking and he said he wouldn't be able to do things like that. His brother in law has 2 children and they were recent talking about a game my boyfriends found where each round is about 30/45mins long. BLI was shocked at that and said he'd never be able to play as it too long with dealing with the kids and my boyfriend was shocked.

 

I told him I had no intention of have kids now. I'm happy as I am but maybe one day in the future. He says he doesn't know. I don't want to pressure him but if he doesn't or still on the fence then I need to know. Things might have been different. I might not have moved up. I don't quite know what to do now. He then started asking if i wanted to be with him if he didn't. I told him that wasn't what I said but I'd like to know. He repeated again that he didn't want children now and didn't know about the future. After that the topic was dropped and conversation stopped and eventually moved on.

 

This was last night and I don't know what to do from here. I'm thinking of writing him a letter, asking him to give it some thought and to let me know where he stands maybe? I don't think we can continue bring together if we have different opinions on this. It's a no win situation. I will resent him if I stayed and he didn't want children and what kind of relationship is that? No good for either of us. My mum is thinking about buying a holiday property up where I am now. I'm half tempted to say to her don't as I don't know if we will still be together and I'd rather her put the money to better use instead.

 

Just looking for some thoughts on this as I don't quite no what to do. I have no friends where I live and I don't enjoy my job so no one else really I can talk to.

 

Thank you.

[Keenly]

When he asks you if you'd still be with him if he said no, why are you lying to him?

 

The problem is he isn't giving a straight answer, but you didn't give a straight answer either. Writing a letter is laying on the pressure pretty hard

[d0nnivain]

Don't write him a letter. You can write your feelings out to organize your thoughts but don't write him a letter.

 

 

If kids are important to you, tell him that. If at 30 he's still saying he doesn't want kids, BELIEVE HIM. You don't want to wake up 10 year from now childless & resentful. Childless & happy is fine. But if you want kids & he doesn't that is a deal breaker. Do not treat it as anything less

[Brrbuttery]

When he asks you if you'd still be with him if he said no, why are you lying to him?

 

The problem is he isn't giving a straight answer, but you didn't give a straight answer either. Writing a letter is laying on the pressure pretty hard

 

I didn't lie to him. I never said I would leave him. But it is something I need to consider. I love him but if it turns out we have different views on this and we are not able to resolve them what else would you suggest? One of us wouldn't be happy. I have given up a lot for him. I was prepared for that. However I'm not sure how much more I can sacrifice. I don't know if I could stay if he didn't want children. All I know is that I don't want them now but I need to start considering the future. If he didn't and knew that 2 years ago I might have felt differently to moving away and leaving a job I loved.

 

 

Don't write him a letter. You can write your feelings out to organize your thoughts but don't write him a letter.

 

 

If kids are important to you, tell him that. If at 30 he's still saying he doesn't want kids, BELIEVE HIM. You don't want to wake up 10 year from now childless & resentful. Childless & happy is fine. But if you want kids & he doesn't that is a deal breaker. Do not treat it as anything less

 

This. This is what I mean. I don't want that and I am sure he doesn't want that. Neither of us would be happy in that situation. I don't want them now but yes I'd like to think I would in the future. I just don't know how and when to broach the topic again.

[GunslingerRoland]

This is a tough situation because it's not like you are totally sure you want kids anyway. If you aren't sure then why is it a requirement that he stays as a maybe. Is it fair that he has to be maybe about kids indefinitely and then when you decide he has to go along with your decision?

 

Kids is a huge decision, you can't/shouldn't force them on someone. Figure out if you want to have kids or not and if you really do, then you need to move on. But if you get two maybe people in a relationship, then if you move to different conclusions you have to be willing to agree with the no person.

[Brrbuttery]

This is a tough situation because it's not like you are totally sure you want kids anyway. If you aren't sure then why is it a requirement that he stays as a maybe. Is it fair that he has to be maybe about kids indefinitely and then when you decide he has to go along with your decision?

 

Kids is a huge decision, you can't/shouldn't force them on someone. Figure out if you want to have kids or not and if you really do, then you need to move on. But if you get two maybe people in a relationship, then if you move to different conclusions you have to be willing to agree with the no person.

 

I can understand why it's come across that way from myself. I suppose I'm hesitant because I could potentially have issues trying to get pregnant. My periods are very irregular and it was suspected I might have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). I had an ultrasound to try and determine if I did and although they couldn't see anything at the time they told me it didn't mean I didn't have it. I suppose I'm a little guarded and so I say maybe because I don't know how easy I would be able to have children.

[elaine567]

At 25 and in a four year serious relationship, then having kids is something you need to be on the same page about, else someone is going to be very disappointed.

At 30, he should have a fair idea of his feelings on the matter and the fact he always seems to default to a "No, not now", is I guess a fair indication of his feelings.

I guess he is scared to say he doesn't want kids as he guesses probably rightly that you will walk.

NO kids ever, you would see as a sacrifice and that is very telling as to how you really feel about having children. Being hitched to a man who would want to close off your fertility forever, is a huge deal, whatever you feel about having kids. The finality of that decision made and non-debateable, would be scary for any woman.

 

Unless he gives you a commitment that in the future, kids are definitely on the horizon, then you have to move on. YOU cannot afford to wait till YOU are 32 for him to show his true hand and finally come out that he NEVER wanted children.

Hard may it be, decision time is upon you here.

[Brrbuttery]

At 25 and in a four year serious relationship, then having kids is something you need to be on the same page about, else someone is going to be very disappointed.

At 30, he should have a fair idea of his feelings on the matter and the fact he always seems to default to a "No, not now", is I guess a fair indication of his feelings.

I guess he is scared to say he doesn't want kids as he guesses probably rightly that you will walk.

NO kids ever, you would see as a sacrifice and that is very telling as to how you really feel about having children. Being hitched to a man who would want to close off your fertility forever, is a huge deal, whatever you feel about having kids. The finality of that decision made and non-debateable, would be scary for any woman.

 

Unless he gives you a commitment that in the future, kids are definitely on the horizon, then you have to move on. YOU cannot afford to wait till YOU are 32 for him to show his true hand and finally come out that he NEVER wanted children.

Hard may it be, decision time is upon you here.

 

I think you've expressed this perfectly reflecting my concerns. Thank you. Now to try and chose a time to sit down and discuss it. Looks like the next few days could be interesting..

[kenji_t]

I have 0 interest in having kids, and so does my wife.

 

That said, when we were dating we've sat down and discussed being parents in the future. We both had the same opinion: "We don't like kids, we will not have them."

 

You can't compromise on kids, you can't have half a son or half a daughter. If having kids is THAT much important to you, then you have to find someone who shares the same opinion.

[GunslingerRoland]

So your maybe meant, yes I want them, but I'm prepared for the fact that I may not be able to have them. And his maybe meant, I don't want kids, maybe someday I'll feel differently.

 

Did that never come up at all in 4 years?

 

I guess the bottom line here is when talking to a potential mate about whether they want kids, yes, no and maybe don't cut it. Maybe needs to get broken down into something with actual real world meaning.

[Brrbuttery]

So your maybe meant, yes I want them, but I'm prepared for the fact that I may not be able to have them. And his maybe meant, I don't want kids, maybe someday I'll feel differently.

 

Did that never come up at all in 4 years?

 

I guess the bottom line here is when talking to a potential mate about whether they want kids, yes, no and maybe don't cut it. Maybe needs to get broken down into something with actual real world meaning.

 

As I said we were long distance for two years. Before I moved I asked him. He said maybe. I was happy with that. I appreciated things may changed when we lived together and it might not have worked out between us so that maybe was enough for me. I needed to know it wasn't a no. After two years living together and four together in total I think that's enough time to know whether we have a future together and what that future holds. After that length of time I'd have thought he'd have more of an idea of what he wants.

 

We're discussing it tonight when he gets in from work. I'm preparing myself for what may come.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess the bottom line here is when talking to a potential mate about whether they want kids, yes, no and maybe don't cut it. Maybe needs to get broken down into something with actual real world meaning.

 

Agreed. I suspect you know your real answer is "yes" and his real answer is "no". So the question becomes how much additional time you're willing to invest in a relationship that won't provide something so important to you? And he has his own version of the same choice - how long he'd want to face your hurt and disappointment?

 

You seem a fair and rational person, I'm going to assume that rules out forcing the issue with an 'accidental' pregnancy. Not the way to go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Diezel]

If after 4 years, you two can't have an honest discussion about this, it's time for you to break up with him.

[Brrbuttery]

Agreed. I suspect you know your real answer is "yes" and his real answer is "no". So the question becomes how much additional time you're willing to invest in a relationship that won't provide something so important to you? And he has his own version of the same choice - how long he'd want to face your hurt and disappointment?

 

You seem a fair and rational person, I'm going to assume that rules out forcing the issue with an 'accidental' pregnancy. Not the way to go...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We are sitting down tonight to discuss this.

 

No there is absolutely no chance of that happening. If he doesn't want children fine but I would never trick and deceive him like that.

[carhill]

In general, kids, money and religion are three major areas of potential dealbreaking incompatibility in a marriage. Considering your feelings surrounding your move are, at best, ambivalent, then there's this kid thing, yeah, get it clarified ASAP and move forward. People who love each other can be incompatible for certain partnerships, and children are a forever thing, for our mortal lives anyway. Good luck with the meeting.

[RecentChange]

Well, good luck, sounds like you are doing the right thing and having "the talk".

 

As someone who does not want kids (but I have ALWAYS known this) do not pressure him at all - doesn't sound like you are - but you know, if he loves you, its going to be hard to lose you over this... but thats not good enough reason for him to change his mind if he knows it isn't right for him.

 

It doesn't sound like he has given ANY indication that he does want kids... just "maybes" and kids won't fit into his life right?

 

I have always been very up front, VERY early on in any relationships that kids were a total no go.

 

My partner - said he agreed, many years into our relationship he went through a bit of crisis (death in the family, other issues) and started saying that "maybe" he did want kids... I can tell you, even though I KNOW kids aren't for me - it was enough to make me start thinking.... well maybe... because I didn't want to lose him (love can make you do crazy things).

 

I am glad I stuck to my guns though... and he ended up changing his mind again.

 

Just putting that out there - that an ultimatum can sometimes make people make wrong choices for themselves.

 

This will be hard! I commend you for having "the talk" - and if he still feels conflicted etc - counseling might be a good idea, this is a BIG decision, and sometimes our decision making can get blurred by emotions and fear of loss...

[MJJean]

As I said we were long distance for two years. Before I moved I asked him. He said maybe. I was happy with that. I appreciated things may changed when we lived together and it might not have worked out between us so that maybe was enough for me. I needed to know it wasn't a no. After two years living together and four together in total I think that's enough time to know whether we have a future together and what that future holds. After that length of time I'd have thought he'd have more of an idea of what he wants.

We're discussing it tonight when he gets in from work. I'm preparing myself for what may come.

 

I see too many women and a few men posting online or talking in real life about how they have been with their SO X years and haven't seriously discussed marriage or having kids and who now want to know when they're going to "move to the next phase" or "take their relationship to the next level" or "start their adult life already".

 

I don't understand why people wait 2, 3, 4, 12, years and then start questioning "where this is going". If marriage and children are important that is something that needs to be openly and honestly discussed relatively early on. If both people aren't on the same page regarding life goals, they are just wasting each others time.

 

The purpose of dating is to see if the person you're dating is a potential mate. After about a year, you should know if you're in love or not and have a pretty solid idea of general compatibility. By year two i don't see why there shouldn't be a long term plan in place.

 

I think a talk about the future is long past due.

 

As for PCOS, my sister has PCOS. She is 32 and had to have a hysterectomy this year due to complications of the PCOS. She is also the mother of 6 children. I have PCOS, just turned 40, and am the mother of 3. Haven't had to have a hysterectomy...yet. My daughter has PCOS. She's 21 and found out she likely cannot have children without medical intervention. My friends sister had PCOS, almost had to have an emergency hysterectomy, made it through and fought to keep her uterus until she had her son. She pushed up her wedding by a year in order to start the baby making. She had a hysterectomy shortly after the birth.

 

PCOS doesn't necessarily mean you'll have trouble conceiving. It also might mean that conceiving is more difficult for you. As women age, their fertility decreases. PCOS can also worsen and force medical intervention. If I were you, I wouldn't wait too long before trying to conceive if you do want to be a mother.

 

Normally, I'd say don't worry about it for a few more years. But PCOS can be unpredictable.

Edited September 3, 2015 by MJJean

[oldshirt]

Even though I have two kids 11 and 13 who I love dearly now and for whom I think I am an adequate father, I self-identify more closely with people in the don't-want-kids camp.

 

A 30 year man is a developed, self-aware adult. If he is saying he "doesn't know" that means he doesn't, because if he did want to raise a family and home with you, he would say it and would be making future plans for a home, marriage and family.

 

He is basically giving you ambiguous, open-ended answers to prolong the noncommittal dating and keep you from walking off with another man that does want a home and family with you.

 

If he seems perfectly happy with the status quo and perfectly happy to go out and date but has no future plans and no visions of a future with you and a family, then you have your answer.

 

When men want a future, a home and a family with a woman, they lead her down that path and take actual nuts and bolts steps to make it happen. They ask her parents for their blessings. They get down on one knee with a ring and propose marriage. They set a date and make reservation, pay deposits etc. They find a marital home and begin setting up housekeeping for the future arrival of offspring ( think of birds gathering if a and making a nest in the springtime)

 

If he's not doing those things, he is marking time dating and enjoying getting out and having sex.

 

He is making his choice with his actions and behaviors.

 

Your choice is whether to continue to go along with it or go back onto the market and look for someone who's life goals are more in alignment with your own.

[kylle]

Hmm...what I don't get is that you said you were happy with a "maybe", then you decided to move in with him.

 

Well, a maybe is exactly that...a maybe. It could turn to yes, or it could turn to no.

You should have thought that his answer could very well become a "no"...

 

 

Neverthless, it's good for you to talk straight to him. It looks like you are not accepting a 'maybe' anymore, you want someone who WANTS kids.

If he's still uncertain, it's better for you to let him go now than in 10 years when he finally decides he prefers being childfree.

[sandylee1]

Don't compromise on not having kids. If he's hesitant now he doesn't really want them. I personally wouldn't have married my H if he didn't want kids. It's too big a thing to give up and you shouldn't waste time with him if you're not on the same page.

 

It'll take you time to get into and develop a new relationship, don't hang around with him and regret it when it's too late.