I am having an affair

[That_girl]

Hi all,

 

I’ll try to make this brief because I really need an objective opinion. I am having an emotional affair and I’m not sure what to do- at this point, someone is bound to get hurt…either my boyfriend or the other guy.

 

Some background info: I have been with my boyfriend for years and we live together. It has been a pretty rocky relationship all the way through, for the most part I have been beating myself about everything that went wrong which of course doesn’t make things any easier.

I do love him but there are a few things that I’m not exactly happy about:

- He is a student and I work full-time. He is younger than I am, which initially didn’t seem like a big deal…but now, I realize that we are in very different stages of life and it’s driving me insane. He stays up all night watching tv, and sleeps during the day. I get home from work and I have to do all of the cleaning and cooking (he rarely helps) so aside from the fact that he is younger…he certainly ACTS like he is. I feel like I am living with a roommate sometimes, rather than a partner.

- He doesn’t have the best hygiene habits. This one would usually be a deal breaker for me, but I guess love conquers all. What’s worse about it though is that I have told him numerous times that he needs to wear deodorant, he needs to wash his face, he needs to brush his teeth and he just doesn’t care. He isn’t depressed or anything- he just has a different standard of hygiene than I do.

- He also isn’t very validating when I am having an “episode”…he knows that I have BPD and that I attend therapy and group meetings every week…and that I’m really struggling with it. But he just doesn’t deal with it well…when I am having an episode, he’ll make it worse by provoking me in a subtle way, or not listening to me, or saying things like “you’re just being really emotional and I don’t want to listen to you” when I ask him to help clean up around the house. This would be INFURIATING to anyone- especially someone with BPD. Anyway, I don’t really want to get into it too much...but let’s just say that while I don’t expect him to be my therapist- I expect a little more understanding and support at times than he can actually offer me.

 

So there are the basics, and I feel terrible for cheating because I really do love him. And I feel like a coward for feeling too afraid of being alone to just leave him and get my own place.

We barely sleep together anymore, we are more like best friends. So while there are still some good times, there isn’t really any…intimacy.

 

Along comes this handsome, clean, and sophisticated other guy. He and I have known each other for about a year. He is a professional, responsible adult now. And we have a lot in common. We started hanging out as friends…but eventually one thing led to the other and he kissed me. I stopped seeing him for a while after that because I didn’t feel like it was right. But one night my boyfriend nearly kicked me out of the house , he wouldn’t tell me why he was upset initially- so I thought maybe it was about the other guy. I called OM in tears, and that’s where we started talking again a few months ago. Since then, we have been seeing each other regularly…he has pretty much been the initiator. Nothing physical has really happened (yet) aside from some kissing. But he has told me that he wants to be with me- like, he wants to be my boyfriend but he can wait until I’m ready and have moved out.

 

He basically thinks I am moving out of my boyfriend’s place and that eventually we’ll be together (I think?). I’m just so confused. I’m not sure that I am ready to leave my boyfriend yet. But I don’t want to hurt Derek. I could see myself with him, if I wasn’t attached of course.

 

But I feel like he is already putting a little bit too much pressure on me. He went on a trip last week, and I was the first person he called when he got home. I didn’t answer the phone because my boyfriend was sleeping right next to me. I just don’t know what to do with him…he has said some disrespectful things about my boyfriend which has already got me wondering “what kind of issues does this guy have?”. I mean, he is well aware of my BPD, is well aware that I am in a relationship with someone else...and yet he is still pursuing me. I am VERY attracted to him, but a part of me wonders if leaving my partner for him is the best move.

 

He seems very stable, has a great job, and is very intelligent. I don’t know if I am in love with him, but I definitely lusting after him.

 

Am I completely nuts?

 

And please note that while I understand that there are a lot of people that have been cheated on in the forum, I am not looking to get e-bashed on here. I have also been cheated on in the past so I too, can completely relate.

 

Thanks.

Edited September 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
personal info removed ~T

[Diezel]

My one question before all others is... how do you know you are BPD?

[darkbloom]

This is almost certain to end in disaster. You need to be upfront with your botfriend about the emotional affair. He has a right to know and decide on the situation with all the facts. You also need to let the other guy know that you need space and you're not ready to jump into another relationship. It might be best for you to be alone for awhile to sort out what you want. You've got two guys stuck in your limbo. That's a little selfish and unfair to both of them.

 

Take the time to figure out what you want. And then respond accordingly. Otherwise, you might end up losing both of them.

[PegNosePete]

I have also been cheated on in the past so I too, can completely relate.

So you know how bad it feels. Why are you inflicting that pain on your BF?

 

Honestly your relationship with your BF sounds pretty bad. I would certainly end that if I were you.

 

Whether you move on to a new one with Derek, is up to you. Cheating certainly is not a very good foundation for a relationship. Good relationships are built on trust and honesty. Yours is built on cheating and dishonesty. But if he thinks you're a good bet for a relationship then that's up to him.

 

Not e-bashing, just pointing out some truths.

[That_girl]

Thanks for the replies. I know I am BPD because I have been formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist. But even before that, I did A LOT of research on BPD, and I could have diagnosed myself.

 

I do want to be honest with my boyfriend, but I live with him and I don't have anywhere else to go right now. I need to find a place to live before I can come clean. I realize how selfish that is but it's what I have to do for now: (

[Chi townD]

Coming clean? You mean, telling him that you're leaving because you've been cheating on him? That you've met someone else and you're going to go be with him now?

 

 

Or is coming clean telling him that he's not right for you, he's a slob, his hygiene sucks and he doesn't treat you right in reference to your BPD. Thus, making it entirely his fault for your leaving him.

 

 

Just curious.

[Space Ritual]

Thanks for the replies. I know I am BPD because I have been formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist. But even before that, I did A LOT of research on BPD, and I could have diagnosed myself.

 

I do want to be honest with my boyfriend, but I live with him and I don't have anywhere else to go right now. I need to find a place to live before I can come clean. I realize how selfish that is but it's what I have to do for now: (

 

 

Well since your posts scream that it's all about YOU...Let's address YOU

 

I Don't give a whit if YOU don't want to get bashed. YOU came here, YOU put yourself at risk of getting it with both barrels.

 

Your first post is nothing but a litany or justification talking all sorts of smack about your boyfriend. If YOU were so unhappy with him YOU would have broken up with him long ago. But he does serve a purpose does he not? So of course you aren't going to dump him. It's much easier and the path of least resistance to just play both ends against the middle and pray that YOU don't get discovered.

 

YOU then lead another guy on and claim to be "confused" and yet another person that comes on here claiming to be diagnosed with Bipolar so they do not not have to take responsibility for their actions. with all the people who are on this forum that have BPD, you would imagine that the arrests and committals to Mental Health Centers amongst Loveshack member would far outdistance the statistics for the general public. It's just astounding how many of us come here suffering from the same malady. It's worthy of a Documentary or a book, don't YOU think?

 

YOU are full of crap. YOU made this mess because YOU only give a crap about YOU. And true to form, YOU followed the same sob story script that most cheaters follow all the way to the magic mental condition and then want us to feel sorry for YOU?

 

If YOU did all that research beforehand and basically self diagnosed yourself, then it would have been incumbent upon YOU to take he steps making it safe for your boyfriend to be around YOU emotionally and physically. But YOU didn't do that. So frankly I think your story has about as much merit as Oceanfront Property in Kansas.

 

 

Do YOU understand why I keep capitalizing YOU? Because the only person YOU care about is YOU. This is the kind of situation people that care only about themselves find themselves in.

Edited September 3, 2015 by Space Ritual
I didn't get enough YOU

[jen1447]

Seems like a fairly simple solution here Girl ....I suspect you're hanging on w/your BF out of guilt rather than affection. But you have affection for the new guy. So ....it's probably time to let the old guy go and bring the new one onboard. Is it really anymore complicated than that?

[maymaymay]

Seems like a fairly simple solution here Girl ....I suspect you're hanging on w/your BF out of guilt rather than affection. But you have affection for the new guy. So ....it's probably time to let the old guy go and bring the new one onboard. Is it really anymore complicated than that?

 

This.

 

And as for the poster who said you are acting like it's all about You, well good. You should be thinking about yourself. Do what it takes to take care of you first, then worry about pleasing the men in your life. You cannot avoid hurting their feelings, you are not in control of that. You do what is truly best for yourself, then work on building the kind of relationship with a romantic partner that you want, not what you think will make someone else happy. That will just end up making you miserable, which seems why you are in this situation to begin with.

[kgcolonel]

It sounds as though the current relationship has run its course and should be terminated. My bigger question to you is a guy who is romancing a woman which he fully knows is in a relationship the man you want to trust with your heart?

 

I believe some time on your own surrounded by friends and even possibly dating others (maybe even this guy to gain a longer sense of his character) should be in order.

 

Don't continue to cheat as this is a reflection on you and not your BF. You are better than that and can set standards for your own personal growth to help you see a better image of your true worth.

 

Just my 2cents

[travelbug1996]

HOw about not being in a relationship with anyone for a while? It seems that you've made a bad choice in the current bf and potentially will make another bad choice in the new guy.

 

Take some time and work on yourself and your BPD.

 

Break up with the current and please don't jump in with the new guy. It probably won't work.

[That_girl]

Thanks so much for the replies. I really have been beating myself for everything that goes wrong in my relationship. I realize how selfish it is to carry on with an affair. But I am also just lost and confused for lack of better words. I have tried really hard and things aren't getting any easier. I don't use my BPD as an excuse, and I have tried everything to get my partner to understand and to get therapy for himself. He just doesn't want to. And rather than supporting me he calls me "psycho" and "overly emotional"...this has led to a growing resentment towards him. Yes it's led me to cheat...and yes, I am super selfish. But it's just my unhappiness manifesting itself in terrible ways. I need the courage to stop and just walk away. What I want is still unknown...as far as other men are concerned. But what I need right now is peace of mind.

[lgspot]

My one question before all others is... how do you know you are BPD?

Are you meaning Borderline or Bipolar when you say BPD?

[maymaymay]

Thanks so much for the replies. I really have been beating myself for everything that goes wrong in my relationship. I realize how selfish it is to carry on with an affair. But I am also just lost and confused for lack of better words. I have tried really hard and things aren't getting any easier. I don't use my BPD as an excuse, and I have tried everything to get my partner to understand and to get therapy for himself. He just doesn't want to. And rather than supporting me he calls me "psycho" and "overly emotional"...this has led to a growing resentment towards him. Yes it's led me to cheat...and yes, I am super selfish. But it's just my unhappiness manifesting itself in terrible ways. I need the courage to stop and just walk away. What I want is still unknown...as far as other men are concerned. But what I need right now is peace of mind.

The second a guy calls me overly emotional or psycho it's a huge red flag. He is being dismissive of your feelings and only trying to protect himself from feeling any sort of responsibility for his part in making things difficult for you.

 

Like it was said above, just do you for awhile. Maybe current BF or AP will realize what they need to do to be supportive for you or you will find someone else who will, but now is not the time to worry about them, now is the time to take care of you!

[That_girl]

I have Borderline Personality disorder and it is destroying my life- it has been for a while. I am doing everything I can to gain control over my impulses...I just want to be happy and be in a normal, loving relationship. But everything gets so muddled. I just don't know if it's possible anymore.

[smackie9]

TBH your disorder has nothing to do with him failing as a BF, it's just the way he is. You can be happy and normal in a relationship, but it has to be with the right person....we all know this to be true......that you are not with the right person.

[Lois_Griffin]

I have Borderline Personality disorder and it is destroying my life- it has been for a while. I am doing everything I can to gain control over my impulses...I just want to be happy and be in a normal, loving relationship. But everything gets so muddled. I just don't know if it's possible anymore.

Is it even possible for BPD sufferers to have normal, loving relationships? I was with a guy who had BPD and I finally had to cut him loose after 3 years. It was 3 years of freakin' hell and I'd never deal with anyone who has BPD ever again.

 

Your current boyfriend sounds completely worthless, if I'm being honest. It sounds like you're raising a lazy ass teenage boy. BPD or not, I'd be cutting him loose REAL fast.

[twosadthings]

It's not fair to say Derek is badmouthing your boyfriend when the opening paragraphs of your thread did the very same thing. Everything he says about your boyfriend is really coming from you.

 

 

If what you've described about him is accurate, why are you still with him?

 

 

Twosadthings

[That_girl]

It's not fair to say Derek is badmouthing your boyfriend when the opening paragraphs of your thread did the very same thing. Everything he says about your boyfriend is really coming from you.

 

 

If what you've described about him is accurate, why are you still with him?

 

 

Twosadthings

 

Yeah, I suppose that is true. But he has said a bunch of other things pertaining to how much more money he makes, and how he has much more to offer. I guess I smelled a little bit of insecurity there, but he's only human. I imagine this situation is very frustrating for him for him as well- if he is as into me as I am into him.

 

 

I am still with my partner because I fear being lonely. I do love him as a friend...and moving in together has made it that much more difficult to leave.

[PegNosePete]

I am also just lost and confused for lack of better words.

You're not confused. You're just trying to figure out a way to have your cake AND eat it. That is the root of all your problems. You don't want to be with your boyfriend but you don't want to have to move out and be self-sufficient. Well, cheating is just about the worst possible way of resolving that conflict.

 

You need to either make a decision and stick to it, or live with the situation that you have created.

 

with all the people who are on this forum that have BPD, you would imagine that the arrests and committals to Mental Health Centers amongst Loveshack member would far outdistance the statistics for the general public.

Ain't that the truth!!!

[That_girl]

You're not confused. You're just trying to figure out a way to have your cake AND eat it. That is the root of all your problems. You don't want to be with your boyfriend but you don't want to have to move out and be self-sufficient. Well, cheating is just about the worst possible way of resolving that conflict.

 

You need to either make a decision and stick to it, or live with the situation that you have created.

 

 

Ain't that the truth!!!

 

Lot’s of people have people have BPD…maybe the reason so many of them come here is that the only effective therapy for BPD (DBT) is outrageously expensive and inaccessible. At least it is where I live…I’m assuming that there is a lack of resources for people with this disorder in most places given how new it is, and how little most governments care about mental health.

 

I don’t know what people get out of judging people they don’t even know on a forum. I suspect that these highly critical and judgmental types are not in therapy themselves…or at least not benefitting from it if they feel the need to judge people they don’t even know. You have no idea who you are dealing with- maybe the person is suicidal and your post could tip them over the edge? Luckily your perspective has no bearing on my self-esteem or my own emotional stability. I already feel terrible for what I am doing, and that’s why I came here for perspective. I find it interesting that you are calling ME selfish, when your only purpose for responding to my thread was to “stick it to me” …

 

I understand that people don’t like “cheaters”…and they don’t like people that are “selfish” and want to “have their cake and eat it too”. But is there anyone on this forum, or on the planet for that matter that has never had a transgression, or has never put themselves first? People who come here are often in that situation, and you can judge them all you want- it’s not going to change the fact that we are human, and we all f*ck up. Deal with it and take your aggression and your judgments elsewhere

[Space Ritual]

Lot’s of people have people have BPD…maybe the reason so many of them come here is that the only effective therapy for BPD (DBT) is outrageously expensive and inaccessible. At least it is where I live…I’m assuming that there is a lack of resources for people with this disorder in most places given how new it is, and how little most governments care about mental health.

 

I don’t know what people get out of judging people they don’t even know on a forum. I suspect that these highly critical and judgmental types are not in therapy themselves…or at least not benefitting from it if they feel the need to judge people they don’t even know. You have no idea who you are dealing with- maybe the person is suicidal and your post could tip them over the edge? Luckily your perspective has no bearing on my self-esteem or my own emotional stability. I already feel terrible for what I am doing, and that’s why I came here for perspective. I find it interesting that you are calling ME selfish, when your only purpose for responding to my thread was to “stick it to me” …

 

I understand that people don’t like “cheaters”…and they don’t like people that are “selfish” and want to “have their cake and eat it too”. But is there anyone on this forum, or on the planet for that matter that has never had a transgression, or has never put themselves first? People who come here are often in that situation, and you can judge them all you want- it’s not going to change the fact that we are human, and we all f*ck up. Deal with it and take your aggression and your judgments elsewhere

 

No our intent is not to Stick it to you. In the 6 years I have been on this forum your initial post and subsequent replies read just like the playbook that has been spewed by countless others, regardless of gender, whom simply do not want to take responsibility for their own actions.

 

I myself take the same exact tack with threads I respond to because telling a person what they want to hear instead of what they need to hear does the OP and the other forum members a huge disservice. Many people disagree with my approach and while I understand that, blowing smoke up somebody's ass and telling them that they are doing everything just fine and that the Rainbows and Unicorns will continue is not in my nature, nor is it in any of the good people who post here on a regular basis.

 

Please try to understand that many people here who post have been subjected to the actions of people in the not too distant past who left a trail of destruction in their wake and then claimed some sort of plausible deniability, or anything else they could in order not to own up to the fact they had poor coping skills and would rather let somebody else clean up their mess for them.

 

You can be as indignant about our replies all you want. But that's not the question. The question is: What are you going to do to rectify the mess you have created?

[That_girl]

I understand that some people here have been scorned by cheaters or have lived with/been in a relationship with someone with BPD which was probably sheer hell for them. I am not trying to make myself out to be the victim, I hate that I have these issues and I hate that I am the type of person that would cheat, or would stay in a bad relationship. I really am trying to work on these things, and that's why I'm here I guess. I don't want to treat others poorly. I don't want to hurt any of the people involved, but I guess it's a little too late for that.

[Grapesofwrath]

Thanks so much for the replies. I really have been beating myself for everything that goes wrong in my relationship. I realize how selfish it is to carry on with an affair. But I am also just lost and confused for lack of better words. I have tried really hard and things aren't getting any easier. I don't use my BPD as an excuse, and I have tried everything to get my partner to understand and to get therapy for himself. He just doesn't want to. And rather than supporting me he calls me "psycho" and "overly emotional"...this has led to a growing resentment towards him. Yes it's led me to cheat...and yes, I am super selfish. But it's just my unhappiness manifesting itself in terrible ways. I need the courage to stop and just walk away. What I want is still unknown...as far as other men are concerned. But what I need right now is peace of mind.

 

Oftentimes people overlap relationships like this because they lack the courage and skills required to end a relationship properly. Instead, the second relationship is used as a motivator to leave, or the affair is discovered and the relationship ends abruptly.

 

If you are seeing a counselor or therapist for your BPD (bipolar or borderline?) I think it might be worthwhile to spend time in a session practicing how to talk to your bf about ending the relationship. Consider this an opportunity to practice and refine a valuable life skill: ending relationships with no unnecessary brutality. It's over, we can all see that, now it's time to end it properly and with integrity. Many of us need help learning how to do that. Especially if that skill was not modeled for us at home.

[sandylee1]

I think you should finish with your BF. He's immature and the relationship is not going anywhere. He should have bucked up his ideas when he saw your text message, but be careful what you put in writing or delete as soon as you text.

 

Derek sounds like a nice guy. Leave your BF and have an open relationship with Derek. Imagine how angry he'll react when he discovers you've been cheating.

 

Leave him. You guys are at different stages of your lives.