Suffering with jealousy

[Emmett]

I have been married over 20 years . My wife was my first gf, the first girl I ever even kissed and obviously my first lover. We have known each other all our lives through mutual friends. As of beinh about 12 I had a huge crush on her, and as of 15 I wanted to marry her. At 16 I was trying to gain her interest by sending her gifts, calling her etc. She was not interested in me that way. By then I feel I was in live as much as a teen could be. We hung out at our cottages with the same people so were together in groups, I liver her by 17. The next summer she was 17 and I was 18. For some reason she became interested in me and we started dating to my great joy.

Within a week she began telling me how where and with who she had lost her virginity. She told me of havi g sex with my best freind even though she didnt care for him. She told me of all the sex she had with the bf she just dumped. I was an 18 yo virgin in love, and while these stories devastated me, I continued to stay with her. A month in of us dating, she shared a cookie mouth to mouth in front of me with my freind who she said she had sleot with. Also I saw her put her foot in his crotch while we we all playing cards. I did marry her even though i was now In constant sadness. I loved her so much but didnt have the guts or experience to call these things out. I married her at 23. I waa very very insecure due to what I had seen and been told. Shortly after marrying I voiced these doubts with myself to her regarding my abilities and physical attribute. Her answe then was " I had bigger and I had smaller, you are fine" more heartbreak and insicurtiy.

Through over 2 decades of pain pills, alcohol and crippling anxiety I kept this pain to myself. I have been diagnosed with bpd and ocd, and lately due to dreams and memeries I have been suffering badly, some days thibking of suicide bc the pain is so raw.

A recent life changing event caused all these painful things to come to light, i told her everything, and how I loved and hated her for all this tine. She feels I am making a big deal of it and does not take it seriously. I cant stand to be with her anymore, I get terrible anxious around her now. Please tell me if I am iver reacting. I know sone will say I should have not married her, but I loved her so much. I now feel ridiculed, insecure, sad and angry. Why did she have to tell me that stuff? Need help before I leave this place for good

[kylle]

Listen, my fiancé was EXACTLY like your wife in regards to telling this kind of information to me.

 

She told me how many guys she's kissed, had sex with and yadda yadda yadda...and the fact that she told me all this with extreme naturality made matters even worse.

In my therapy I talked about this and I slowly started not giving a crap about it.

 

Men have fragile egos. Yes we do. We don't like thinking that our woman was once wraped in another man's arms.

 

But she's with you now, and have been for 20 years.

 

You took a very long time to deal with these feelings, you have damaged your self esteem.

 

My advice is for you to start therapy and talk about this issue. It will do wonders, I guarantee it.

 

In the meantime, search about Retroactive Jealousy, it may give you some insights.

[sandylee1]

The question is do you still love her?

 

If you do, you need to try and be rational about it all. Her response was not what I'd have said, but in reality, there's always bigger and smaller. It's not the size that matters and that's true.

 

Has she done anything in your marriage to cause concern?

Do you feel you missed out and would like to experience another woman?

 

I suspect she was rather young and foolish back then and wouldn't do that now.

I did lots of crazy stuff when I was younger and looking back, I could have been raped or worse by placing myself in certain situations.

 

We all grow up, you need ascertain what you need to get through this.

Would you rather be without her?

Does she still talk about her other sexual partners?

[Emmett]

Thanks for replies. I love her as a wife but lately I have lost any emotions. Being around her has been causing me anxiety but now its just apathy . I dont see me living happily for anilother 30 plus years with her. It is sad but I am afraid that I may have to leave if I am going to be able to be happy again. The fact that she is a bossy over bearing verbally abusive woman makes it easier to contemplate moving on.

[mystikmind2005]

I do tend to think your overeating.

 

When a GF tells me those sort of things, i find it quite a turn on, but that's just me. I have never encountered a GF flirt to that extent but knowing me, it would probably both freak me out and turn me on at the same time! lol

 

We all have a human tendency to obsess over something and make it grow bigger and bigger in our mind and it becomes something that is so huge in our life.

 

The other thing that can happen, sometimes if we get a bit over a relationship, things that we could handle in the past we bring forward and start to focus on it for reasons to end the relationship - this sounds more like what you are doing to me.

[Space Ritual]

What step are you in on the 12 step? Sounds like you just got done with Step 4......

[kylle]

Thanks for replies. I love her as a wife but lately I have lost any emotions. Being around her has been causing me anxiety but now its just apathy . I dont see me living happily for anilother 30 plus years with her. It is sad but I am afraid that I may have to leave if I am going to be able to be happy again. The fact that she is a bossy over bearing verbally abusive woman makes it easier to contemplate moving on.

 

Well that changes everything...if it was just a jealousy thing, I would say it could be good for you to seek a therapist, but your last post it's a 180º turn.

 

It's been 20 years, was it always like this?

[Emmett]

ut has been this way sincr the beginning. I still havr to face that freind and his wife sometines, it realky makes me sick. I only have seen a therapist once now, I just started. I am afraid the years if pain and resentment have now caused me to lose what live I thought I may have had. Being around her now makes me sad and anxious and it is not getting better, only worse. Please remember I knew and liked her a lot during those times and I knew the guys she slept with. I feel like because I waited for her butvshe was quite free about sex she robbed me of our chance to be first for each other. You can disagree but I havre forever been heart broken over this and I am afraid I cant stay with her anymore

[sandylee1]

ut has been this way sincr the beginning. I still havr to face that freind and his wife sometines, it realky makes me sick. I only have seen a therapist once now, I just started. I am afraid the years if pain and resentment have now caused me to lose what live I thought I may have had. Being around her now makes me sad and anxious and it is not getting better, only worse. Please remember I knew and liked her a lot during those times and I knew the guys she slept with. I feel like because I waited for her butvshe was quite free about sex she robbed me of our chance to be first for each other. You can disagree but I havre forever been heart broken over this and I am afraid I cant stay with her anymore

 

If you don't think you'll be happy with her , then leave.

 

Maybe her verbal and emotional abuse are killing the love. If she's abusive , then get away from her.

 

It does seem odd that these things that happened BEFORE marriage are causing you so much grief.

 

Life's too short though. Do you think she'll be blindsided if you tell her your done?

[Emmett]

She says she loves me but I think she is sensing how unhappy I am. She has changed her ways a lot but I feel like its too late. I think I will have to go. I will see over coming weeks. Thanks for advice all

[Downtown]

I have been diagnosed with bpd and ocd, and lately due to dreams and memeries I have been suffering badly, some days thibking of suicide bc the pain is so raw.

Emmett, if you suffer from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), your main problem is not your W's behavior over 20 years ago but, rather, your tendency to live in the past. BPDers generally are so unhappy that they find it very difficult to stay aware and cognizant of the present. They therefore escape into daydreams and preoccupations with the past (mulling over perceived injustices and slights) and the future (worrying about the abandonment that will occur when the partner finds out how empty you are inside).

 

Consequently, one of the first skills that is taught to BPDers in therapy (e.g., CBT and DBT) is "mindfulness," i.e., how to keep one's mind firmly grounded in the present so you can focus on your current reality. Of course, this problem of escaping into the past (and future) is only exacerbated by your OCD, a co-occurring disorder which 22% of BPDers suffer from. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. A good therapy program will also teach you a host of other emotional skills, e.g., how to better manage your emotions, how to avoid black-white thinking by learning to tolerate strong conflicting feelings, how to do self soothing, and how to intellectually challenge your intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts."

[smackie9]

Stop blaming her for your psychological problems. YOU my dear have mental illness, and needs to be addressed with a professional therapist. If you are seeing one find another one because it's not working....all therapists are not the same and you have to find the right one. If you don't take responsibility and get help, your marriage will fall apart and other relationship you have with friends, and family.

 

BTW RUNNING AWAY WILL NOT MAKE THESE FEELINGS YOU HAVE GO AWAY.

[WomenWubber]

You shouldn't have married her if you were incompatible to this extent, even if you loved her. Do you think she has ever loved you?

 

It's a good thing you have put on your grown man pants for a change. Also even if your wife didn't ask for any of this, her reaction to your confession is very telling.

 

Do you have kids?

[Emmett]

Smackie im afraid you are right. I cant help how I feel please remember that its not like we met in college, it would not be the same. I knew her and these guys, if she had sex with these ones "she didnt care about" it hurts when I was right there and loved her all along. I may never be free of this and have only started to seek help. We have 3 boys 18-20 and I have stayed for them. I may have to leave soon though or im afraid I cant go on. This pain is affecting every aspect of my life. Unless I can beat it I will be no good to anyone. I so appreciate all of your thoughts here it will help me decide what to do. Great respect to all

[WomenWubber]

Looks like you know what to do.

 

Just make sure you get the help you need. Divorcing your wife won't make those problems automatically go away.

[smackie9]

You shouldn't make your decision on your own, you need to tell your wife, you owe it to her. This is the thing about mental illness.....it's always about YOU and how YOU are feeling. You don't consider the enormous emotional impact this will have on YOUR wife , her family, your family and mutual friends. They all will be devastated.

[Emmett]

I know I need to fix myself. Its a miserable life now and shouldnt be. When I am not with her I feel better its her presence that gets me started. I love her so much but I think I need to maybe try ans go on my own at least until I get more help. I know I sound pathetic but I am seriously at the end of my rope.

[Downtown]

I know I sound pathetic but I am seriously at the end of my rope.

No, Emmett, not "pathetic" but, rather, amazingly self aware for a young man suffering from BPD. As you must know, this disorder -- by its very nature -- is invisible to nearly all folks having it. Your remarkable ability to see some of your own issues bodes very well for your chances of learning how to manage your emotions. You sound like an excellent candidate for BPD therapy -- something that 99% of other BPDers are unprepared for.

[Emmett]

I am in awe of the level of quality responses and advice. Please accept my sincere thanks to all of those who took the time to offer me help. I cant help but thinking that I am dealing with some pros here. I will not make any hasty changes at this time, rather i will see where it goes and continue to try and make my wife aware of how I have felt and where we might go from here. Many thanks

[smackie9]

Your wife is your life partner. When you marry you become a team, and you should turn to her for help, don't turn against her. If her response to this is nothing, that means you haven't been truly honest and straight forward with her. You need to express the seriousness of the situation. Go ahead and tell her it's making you want to leave the marriage, etc. BUT also ask her for help and support. You owned up to it to yourself, now own up to it to her.

[Emmett]

Smackie she knows how I am feeling I have asked her to give me some time and space so I can do whatever I can to get over this.

[smackie9]

Smackie she knows how I am feeling I have asked her to give me some time and space so I can do whatever I can to get over this.

I don't think she is taking this seriously. You did tell her this might lead to a divorce?

[Downtown]

When I am not with her I feel better its her presence that gets me started.... I need to maybe try ans go on my own at least until I get more help.

Emmett, because you have strong BPD traits, her presence will trigger your engulfment fears -- making you feel suffocated, controlled, and like your self identity is disappearing. So you likely are correct in concluding that "it's her presence that gets me started." So perhaps you would have a better chance of healing yourself in therapy if you were on your own.

 

But perhaps not. As you must know better than anyone, being alone also makes you miserable because it triggers your abandonment fears. Moreover, because you have a weak sense of who you are, you have a powerful need to be around a woman who, having a strong personality, will ground you and center you. That is, you have a strong desire to be near someone who can provide you with the strong, stable identity that is missing. (This is why, when you are alone, you don't even have "yourself" to keep you company.) Yet, when you get exactly that -- as you have right now with your W -- you will resent the hell out of her because you will feel dominated and controlled (i.e., the primary way the engulfment fear manifests itself).

 

Until you obtain training on emotional skills, both you and your W will keep finding yourself in a lose-lose situation. No matter what you do, you will be miserable and will subconsciously project all of that pain onto her -- thus believing that SHE is the source of it. This occurs because your two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at the opposite ends of the same spectrum. This means that, as you push her away so she will stop triggering your engulfment fear, you necessarily are pushing her closer to triggering your abandonment fear. Conversely, when you pull her back with love bombing, you unavoidably are moving her closer to triggering your engulfment fear.

 

To date, you two have spent 20 years trying to find the midpoints position -- between "not too close" and "not too far" -- where she can safely stand and avoid triggering both of those fears. Sadly, that Goldilocks position simply does not exist. I know because I wasted 15 years looking for it -- all to no avail -- with my BPDer exW.

 

As I noted earlier, you are stuck with this dilemma until you find a good therapy program (e.g., DBT or CBT) that teaches you the emotional skills you had no opportunity to learn in early childhood. These include, e.g., how to better manage your emotions, how to avoid black-white thinking by learning to tolerate strong conflicting feelings, how to do self soothing, and how to intellectually challenge your intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts."

[Emmett]

She is aware that I may not be able to stay. It is not a good situation for either of us. I hate for her to be sad and confused but I have no attraction to her anymore. I am trying to feel something its just not there. I am seeing my gp who has started me on seroquil and celexa. I just started seeing a psycotherapist last week. My gp is also referring me to a psychiatrist, so I am certainly taking all the steps I can. I am afraid all the pills and drs may not be able to make any feelings I had for my w return. I want rhings to go well but it really remains to be seen if ibam going to be able to be happy, I realize I never have been all that happy. I cant do this for another 30 years . Time will tell . Downtown I appreciate your insightful experieance and smackie thank you for your frank comments. Thanks to all here

[smackie9]

She is aware that I may not be able to stay. It is not a good situation for either of us. I hate for her to be sad and confused but I have no attraction to her anymore. I am trying to feel something its just not there. I am seeing my gp who has started me on seroquil and celexa. I just started seeing a psycotherapist last week. My gp is also referring me to a psychiatrist, so I am certainly taking all the steps I can. I am afraid all the pills and drs may not be able to make any feelings I had for my w return. I want rhings to go well but it really remains to be seen if ibam going to be able to be happy, I realize I never have been all that happy. I cant do this for another 30 years . Time will tell . Downtown I appreciate your insightful experieance and smackie thank you for your frank comments. Thanks to all here

 

A lot of people fall out of love, so it just might be a normal progression you are going through.

 

The best advice I can give you is to try to think positive, be positive even when you feel hopeless.