Trying to be rational

[Maxtor]

Ill keep this brief.

 

Im in a very bad time in my life. Im looking for a job, but my country wages are very low, its impossible to live alone with just one income. Also, im almost finishing college, but with rent, college tuitions and food, etc, its impossible.

 

I also see the world in a different perspective, but Ill cut that part out.

 

Now, there is always a girl. I met her some time ago, never really had an interest, but we have been together like friends, and now i really like her. I have helped her in somethings, she helped me in other stuff.

 

I have a vision about myself, as a man. Right now i cant fullfill it and that makes me very depressed. She knows this, in the past 2 weeks i havent been myself, she wants her "friend" back. I am not a very good friend right now and I cant be anyones boyfriend. She also doesnt she me that way.

 

I am trying to be rational, i cant blame her for not liking me that way. I have nothing to offer, sometimes when im alone, i get this irrational toughts blaming her, but i take a deep breath and i focus, its not her fault, its my fault. I always treated her good, i know she cares for me, but i cant be with her, not even as a friend. I cant be her friend, i am not her friend anymore.

 

It doesnt matter if its her, or another girl, the end would be the same.

 

I feel that the only way for me to become what i want to become, is being hypnotised.

 

Sorry for the vent.

[Darren Steez]

You don't feel like smiling and cuddles and pretending then don't do it.

 

It seems you like this girl but she only likes you as a friend but you don't want to take it further because a) You don't want to because she doesn't see you that way and

b) Some stuff that happened in your past which you sometimes project onto her even though it's not her fault.

 

You say you have a vision of yourself as a man. Maybe those be goals in life, where you want to go with career etc.

 

Start with small tasks, goals. First you finish your college, get your qualifications then focus on getting a job and moving forward.

 

If you're depressed then go and see a counsellor, I'm sure your college has one, go and talk and get things off your chest.

 

As for the girl, seems you're being honest not only with her but yourself. Unfortunately it hard to tell someone the friendship is off, just realise you're doing it for the right reasons by her and yourself because it's a cord you might not be able to attach in the future. Not really fair on her either if you tell her you can't be friends then expect friendship after.

 

Small tasks and small steps. Eventually you will reach your destination.