My son knows about my infidelity

[sandylee1]

I have seen what nasty divorces do to people, even women who receives lifelong spousal support.

 

But as I said the apartment is in a prime London location and that makes it very costly. A very large property tax is to be paid for this apartment. Probably it was one of my H's idea of revenge. Make me pay the tax. LOL

 

But I still love it here.

 

You're right. Long and bitter divorces don't help anyone except the lawyers.

 

....A property of any kind in zone 1 - 3 of London, costs an arm and a leg and will always be an asset. Even when your son leaves home, you could rent a room to foreign students and make a good bit of cash. You don't even have to do it long term. ..just months at a time. That money can pay the tax.☺

[William]

Hey folks, I noticed moderation has received a few reports on rude postings in this thread and did a couple of minor cleanups. I'm stopping by to acknowledge the sensitivity of this topic, where a child and infidelity are involved, so let's bear that in mind, along with LoveShack.org's guidelines of interactions, and focus on the topic at hand, the son knowing about the infidelity and how that dynamic plays out and the steps involved in addressing it. Getting into the 'infidelity is bad, you're a bad person and horrible things should happen to you and you deserve it' will just get your posting privileges sanctioned after this bookmark so don't do it. 200 posts is enough opportunity. Let's move on. Thanks!

[World's.Edge]

Divorce due to infidelity is not unreasonable, and adultery due to a 'horrible and awful spouse' is lousy behaviour.

 

 

 

Remorseful Tab and her husband aren't bad people out to destroy each other, or wage over and try to turn their son against the other. This is not an easy situation and everyone involved is handling it to the best of their ability.

Edited September 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted off-topic content

[Dutchman1]

R.T. With all respect, my belief is that your stbxh handled it perfect in this for the last 8 years.

When you were caught 8 years ago, your H decided to stay as in a family to let your son have a normal childhood.

You never knew probably,but I think inside he must have felt disgusted to be there .

The played his role until he couldn't do it anymore, and now he told your son the truth in a very decent way.

I understand he wasn't paint you scarlet, but wouldn't take responsibility for something he didn't cause.

He becomes more a unselfishly man to me. I would buy him a nice pint at the old George inn.

 

It's positive you two get counseling for the 3 of you, but please stop telling your stbxh what en when to speak the truth.

 

He did nothing bad in the way and the choice of words he stood up for himself.

 

Take care of each other.

 

Dutchman 1

Edited September 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
typo

[Try]

let's turn the tables - would it be okay for the WS to tell the truth, too? would it be okay for the WS to tell - hey, i cheated because your parent was a horrible and awful spouse so i had to look elsewhere what i wasn't getting at home? would people cheer for the truth then, too? NO.

The OP never said that her cheated on husband bad mouthed her in telling the son about the affair. He only told the son the fact that there was one. You are confusing opinions for facts. It is a fact that she had an affair. It would only be an opinion that he was an awful spouse, which by the way the OP specifically stated that her cheated on husband was was not. You are actually blame shifting in a case where even the cheater has not done so.

 

Here is what you do not get. Once the cheated on spouse decided to end the the marriage, his son wanted to know why. To tell the son any other reason other then the truth about the affair would be either a direct lie or a lie by omission. The cheated on husband did not want to do that, and I agree with him. Also, any other reason other than the truth about the affair would be weak by comparison, and would in the son's eyes place the blame for breaking up the family falsely on the cheated on spouse. He should not be asked to take this false blame as it would alienate him from his son.

[minimariah]

I made my displeasure known clearly. I read all the advises given here about what sort of damage these sorts of revelations causes to children and I said I was not ok. This cannot continue.

 

i am so glad you did this and stood up for yourself, well done.

i hope the counseling starts as soon as possible and goes well.

[AlwaysGrowing]

RT,

 

As you already know, everyone has poor judgement sometimes in their life. That it is not fair to permanently pigeon-hole someone for these times.

 

It seems that you and your STBXH have handled this fairly well. I can not think of a single person that I know of...that has handled life perfectly every time in every occasion. What we all should strive for....and what you have both done...is to improve our coping skills.

 

Well done.

 

Keep focusing on solutions and avoid advice that will only create more issues.

[truncated]

op,

are you and your ex husband in a friendly enough place in your relationship ( be it divorced) that the two of you could take your son out to dinner, say once every two weeks or so, just to touch base as a family and give all the members a chance to voice any concerns/ ask any questions that they might have?

Showing a united front is really important, as one tactic a lot of teens use to get their way and test their limits is divide and conquer. Let him know that won't work.

You and his dad are already teaching him some valuable life lessons such as honesty, accountability and that you both love him and that is more important than anything else.

 

I think you both you should be proud of yourselves. You haven't let it degenerate into a toxic atmosphere the way some divorced parents do.

[understand50]

Thank you everyone.

 

You are welcome. Big internet hug, in case you need one. Things will get better with time, and may be that is all we can say in the end, time will tell.

 

Best of luck.

[Marc878]

remorseful_tab

 

Some men can forgive but the forgetting is impossible. It seems you've done all you could ever do to try and make this marriage work but your H probably made the right decision if this is something he could never overcome.

 

Why live the rest of your lives together this way?

 

It'll be painful short term but long term you can make your life what you want it to be and so can your H. I suspect this is why he choose this path.

 

I hope it turns out to be the right thing for the both of you. It's one of those things you have to accept and move on.

 

Best wishes to the both of you.

[Chi townD]

Well, I say that your BH did not tell your son to be vengeful or vindictive. He had to tell him because he started to ask hard questions and he felt backed in a corner. And probably when your son started to blame him for cheating on you, surely you can see where he wasn't going to be accused of that. I think your son was looking to blame someone and your BH is the one that left. He probably thought that your BH didn't want to be part of the family anymore. So he felt he had to tell him the truth.

 

 

But, I don't think that you were in any position to threaten him and I'm glad that you didn't. Sure, you're not happy he told him because it's causing you problems. But, like I said earlier, you're the one that cheated; you need to own it. And I'm also going to affirm that your son would have found out the truth, the REAL reason why you two aren't together anymore. So, it was never a question of if, it was a question of when.

 

 

So, now it's time to focus on his healing. Can't change what happened and it was going to happen. It just happened sooner rather than later. But, you need to find him a counselor to sit down with and work out these issues.

[lolablue17]

not talking about the OP, imagine this purely hypothethical situation -

the BS tells the kid that the WS cheated and that's the reason their family broke up. everyone cheers because the BS has the right to tell the truth.

 

Dear Minimariah.

 

I think that her H should not have told their son about "the truth". I think exactly like you in that case.

 

But it's not inconclusive. Me and you think that the child should not be dragged inside the relationship between his parents. And if you ask me, even an outsider adult, shouldn't judge or get in between couples relationship.

 

But our opinion, is AN OPINION ONLY! Other people has the right to hold the opposite opinion. For example - the child's father.

 

If he did chooses to tell, he has all the right to do it. The fact that his opinion is different from the mother opinion, doesn't give her any position to claim that telling something to his son is a parental alienation.

 

I know a mother in my country that was bothered and stressed because her Ex used to tell their little boy scary stories in bed before sleeping. She went to court and brought a bunch of professional opinions from psychologists, that these stories causes damage to the kid. But it didn't help her. Because the father thought that these stories will toughen his son's personality.

 

The judge advised her to stop trying to force her views on her Ex and start communicating with him, and then ruled against her.

 

My (divorced) sister hates the fact that her Ex takes their 6 years old kid to eat in pubs, this is the only time he spend with his son - In pubs, and every once a week when he comes back from his dad, he is very aggresive and tensed and it takes him 1-2 days to calm down.

 

My sister consulted with a lawyer and as i expected - She has no right to control anything that happen between her son and his father. Even if it's very disturbing.

 

We both agree that she took the right step - to have a calm talk with the father. If i was divorced and my Ex would call and threatened me (to take me to court), I would never listen to her, because nobody can't achieve anything with threats. In relationships (Yes, they have a divorced parents R), threats never work.

[turnera]

When H decided to separate, we sad down the day before he was about to leave. H told him that we were having problems. Those problem has been for years. And so we decided to divorce. I remembering feeling how I was holding back the tears and was telling in my mind that "It not we, its you who has decided to divorce".

 

Son naturally asked what were the problems. He said they were things he wouldn't understand. But we both loved him dearly and it will not change.

 

Things became very uncomfortable for the rest of the conversation. Our son was asking various questions. And H was answering and I chipped in too. Regardless to say he shut himself in his room for the rest of the night and wouldn't even come out for dinner. He didn't eat that night.

 

Even next day he wouldn't come out before H was leaving.

That's why YOU should have told your son the truth, asked his forgiveness, and explained that you will ensure that the rest of his life, he'll never have to worry about you 'messing up' his life again. If you had, you wouldn't be dealing with this now. The one thing kids hate most - even more than divorce - is parents who lie.

[Try]

That's why YOU should have told your son the truth, asked his forgiveness, and explained that you will ensure that the rest of his life, he'll never have to worry about you 'messing up' his life again. If you had, you wouldn't be dealing with this now. The one thing kids hate most - even more than divorce - is parents who lie.

Great post.

 

When my mother was first divorcing my father, they did not tell me about my father's affair so I blamed my mother for the divorce and for breaking up the family. This let my dad off the hook for his actions. I wrongly saw him as the good guy trying to save the marriage, and my mother as the bad guy breaking up the family for what I thought were very selfish reasons on my mother's part. I was still young when I finally found out the truth about the affair, and the main feeling that I had was anger that both of my parents would lie to me for so long about something this important. I also felt betrayed on so many levels knowing that both of my parents could not be trusted by me. I experienced first hand what turnera is saying that "The one thing kids hate most - even more than divorce - is parents who lie." There will be a lot of difficult changes going on in the OP's child' life. Now more than ever, the OP's child needs to know that they can fully trust that everything that they hear from their parents will be the truth.

 

I was still young, when my father finally discussed the affair with me (no not the details of the sex) on a ski trip that he took me on. He took full responsibility for the affair and the damaged that it caused the family. He talked about how he did not intend to cheat, but let himself get sucked in step by step as he gave into personal weakness and selfishness. He told me that it was the biggest mistake of his life, and that my mother did not deserve this. I hated that he cheated, but respected him for being so open and honest with me by about what had happened. The OP needs to right now be open with the son about the affair and to answer all but the sex questions. The OP needs to take full responsibility for the affair, and apologize to the son for breaking up the family. As much as this will be hard in the short run, it will be the best thing for her relationship with her son in the long run.

[66Charger]

Since your husband bungled this so badly, you should insist on family dinners once a week at your house to ease the transition.

[Popsicle]

When H decided to separate, we sad down the day before he was about to leave. H told him that we were having problems. Those problem has been for years. And so we decided to divorce. I remembering feeling how I was holding back the tears and was telling in my mind that "It not we, its you who has decided to divorce".

 

Son naturally asked what were the problems. He said they were things he wouldn't understand. But we both loved him dearly and it will not change.

 

Things became very uncomfortable for the rest of the conversation. Our son was asking various questions. And H was answering and I chipped in too. Regardless to say he shut himself in his room for the rest of the night and wouldn't even come out for dinner. He didn't eat that night.

 

Even next day he wouldn't come out before H was leaving.

 

I guess you had one of those kids who didn't pick up on the fact that mom and dad weren't happy or that the marriage wasn't perfect. That's not the case for many other kids though, they know that all is not rosey on the homefront and that mom and dad have some problems.

 

Anyways, I still don't understand why after 8 years your H is bringing all this up now. Sounds fishy.

[lolablue17]

Great post.

 

When my mother was first divorcing my father, they did not tell me about my father's affair so I blamed my mother for the divorce and for breaking up the family. This let my dad off the hook for his actions. I wrongly saw him as the good guy trying to save the marriage, and my mother as the bad guy breaking up the family for what I thought were very selfish reasons on my mother's part. I was still young when I finally found out the truth about the affair, and the main feeling that I had was anger that both of my parents would lie to me for so long about something this important. I also felt betrayed on so many levels knowing that both of my parents could not be trusted by me. I experienced first hand what turnera is saying that "The one thing kids hate most - even more than divorce - is parents who lie." There will be a lot of difficult changes going on in the OP's child' life. Now more than ever, the OP's child needs to know that they can fully trust that everything that they hear from their parents will be the truth.

 

I was still young, when my father finally discussed the affair with me (no not the details of the sex) on a ski trip that he took me on. He took full responsibility for the affair and the damaged that it caused the family. He talked about how he did not intend to cheat, but let himself get sucked in step by step as he gave into personal weakness and selfishness. He told me that it was the biggest mistake of his life, and that my mother did not deserve this. I hated that he cheated, but respected him for being so open and honest with me by about what had happened. The OP needs to right now be open with the son about the affair and to answer all but the sex questions. The OP needs to take full responsibility for the affair, and apologize to the son for breaking up the family. As much as this will be hard in the short run, it will be the best thing for her relationship with her son in the long run.

 

I'm sorry for what you've been through...

 

I think that parents should never lie to their children. But they also don't have to share everything with them. It's Ok to tell the kid that "this is mom's and dad's private issue", even it effects their children.

 

As a child you were eager to determine the good guy and the bad guy, as children do. But you know that reality is much more complicated than that. I think that cheating is ALWAYS WRONG, but you can't sum everything with - "cheater are scumbags and BS are pure".

 

There are stories (I know one, first hand) in which the cheaters wanted first to break the family, and the cheating was their (wrong to my opinion) solution to manage to keep the family together. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

 

All I say is that two spouses has the right to have their own private world, which belongs to them only, without others, even they're children, to judge or to interfere.

 

I think that 11 years old kid has no ability and maturity to understand anything in that matter, and he shouldn't be involved. (Of course, without using lies).

Edited September 5, 2015 by lolablue17

[TX-SC]

I'm sorry for what you've been through...

 

I think that parents should never lie to their children. But they also don't have to share everything with them. It's Ok to tell the kid that "this is mom's and dad's private issue", even it effects their children.

 

As a child you were eager to determine the good guy and the bad guy, as children do. But you know that reality is much more complicated than that. I think that cheating is ALWAYS WRONG, but you can't sum everything with - "cheater are scumbags and BS are pure".

 

There are stories (I know one, first hand) in which the cheaters wanted first to break the family, and the cheating was their (wrong to my opinion) solution to manage to keep the family together. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

 

All I say is that two spouses has the right to have their own private world, which belongs to them only, without others, even they're children, to judge or to interfere.

 

I think that 11 years old kid has no ability and maturity to understand anything in that matter, and he shouldn't be involved. (Of course, without using lies).

 

I disagree with that completely. Children DO take sides and will do so regardless of what they are told. If mom is often crying and dad is stoic and seems unfeeling (as is often the case with men, see 180) the child will ASSUME the father did something wrong to HURT mom. They will turn that into their OWN account of what must have happened. It can drive a wedge between dad and child. Why should the dad take the wrap for what mom caused by cheating. The OP should have told the son herself. There are easy and "soft" ways to do so. But, no, she continued to lie to her son until the truth came out, then got MAD when it did.

 

Yes, there are some things that children should not know and that should be between parents only. Infidelity that destroys the family is not one of them.

[sandylee1]

Since your husband bungled this so badly, you should insist on family dinners once a week at your house to ease the transition.

 

'Insisting' is not a solution and will not work.

 

RT and her STBXH are on the case and have a plan now anyway.

 

The family dinners thing will only give the son false hope of a reconciliation, I've witnessed it happen myself.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

How old is your son? He'd have to learn sometime. By keeping him in the dark, your son could consider your husband the de facto bad guy.

 

This had to happen sooner or later.

[66Charger]

'Insisting' is not a solution and will not work.

 

RT and her STBXH are on the case and have a plan now anyway.

 

The family dinners thing will only give the son false hope of a reconciliation, I've witnessed it happen myself.

 

I wasnt being literal Sandylee. Of course no "insisting" but the son witnessed a fracture so it would help for the parents to show a "healing"

Edited September 6, 2015 by 66Charger

[Try]

I think that 11 years old kid has no ability and maturity to understand anything in that matter, and he shouldn't be involved. (Of course, without using lies).

You say "without using lies", yet if the main reason for the divorce was because of an affair, not telling them about the affair is a lie by omission.

[TX-SC]

'Insisting' is not a solution and will not work.

 

RT and her STBXH are on the case and have a plan now anyway.

 

The family dinners thing will only give the son false hope of a reconciliation, I've witnessed it happen myself.

 

Agreed. I would worry that this would give the son a false sense that maybe mom and dad are getting back together. Not sure that would really help in this situation.

 

It sounds like they both have a good plan of attack. Get the boy into counseling, talk it out, and make sure he knows he HAS to respect his mom. Regardless of what HAS happened, they need to focus on what happens next.

[Try]

Children DO take sides and will do so regardless of what they are told. If mom is often crying and dad is stoic and seems unfeeling (as is often the case with men, see 180) the child will ASSUME the father did something wrong to HURT mom. They will turn that into their OWN account of what must have happened. It can drive a wedge between dad and child. Why should the dad take the wrap for what mom caused by cheating.

After hearing the husband give the child the lie by omission explanation for the divorce that left out the affair, even the OP was blaming the husband for the divorce. She flat out said this when the OP stated that "When H decided to separate, we sad down the day before he was about to leave. H told him that we were having problems. Those problem has been for years. And so we decided to divorce. I remembering feeling how I was holding back the tears and was telling in my mind that "It not we, its you who has decided to divorce"". If this is what the cheater was thinking when they knew of the affair, imagine what the child not knowing about the affair was thinking about the dad.

 

I will never understand why cheaters think that the cheated on spouse should break their trust with their children, and take the fall for breaking up the family, so that the cheater will temporally have a better relationship with their children based on a lie.

[lolablue17]

You say "without using lies", yet if the main reason for the divorce was because of an affair, not telling them about the affair is a lie by omission.

 

I know it's easy to say but hard to do.

 

If I was the BS, i'm not sure I could have stopped myself from telling the kid at some point.

 

The one thing he could have done properly, is calling the mother, telling her that he is going to tell the truth because he cannot hide it anymore, and consult with her how's the best way to do it. (maby together), if of course they are in good terms.