My son knows about my infidelity

[lolablue17]

I will never understand why cheaters think that the cheated on spouse should break their trust with their children, and take the fall for breaking up the family, so that the cheater will temporally have a better relationship with their children based on a lie.

 

I agree that this matter should be taken care very carefully! The child must not be left alone to process his point of view.

 

It must be treated very wisely by both parents, with good communication between them. Again, easy to say, because it's very hard to find good communication between parents who's divorced over cheating.

[minimariah]

I will never understand why cheaters think that the cheated on spouse should break their trust with their children, and take the fall for breaking up the family...

 

cheaters don't think that.

 

& no one really thinks that on this thread.

 

the discussion isn't about if the kid should know, the discussion is about who and when and how will tell him about it.

 

no one on this thread thinks that the BS should just keep quiet and take the fall -- he should have kept quiet until he talks to the mother and arranges some kind of family meeting where they'll tell him as an united front.

 

and this --

 

...r will temporally have a better relationship with their children based on a lie.

 

doesn't make any sense.

 

a parent's relationship with their child isn't based on their sex life with the spouse or other folks. so even if you do lie to your kid about the affair - your relationship with the said kid STILL won't be based on a lie because... again - who you f&ck has nothing to do with your parent & child relationship.

 

a lot of folks have disastrous relationships with their parents because they weren't told about the affair the right way or because the parents had failed to put down some boundaries.

[truncated]

cheaters don't think that.

 

& no one really thinks that on this thread.

 

the discussion isn't about if the kid should know, the discussion is about who and when and how will tell him about it.

 

no one on this thread thinks that the BS should just keep quiet and take the fall -- he should have kept quiet until he talks to the mother and arranges some kind of family meeting where they'll tell him as an united front.

 

and this --

 

 

 

doesn't make any sense.

 

a parent's relationship with their child isn't based on their sex life with the spouse or other folks. so even if you do lie to your kid about the affair - your relationship with the said kid STILL won't be based on a lie because... again - who you f&ck has nothing to do with your parent & child relationship.

 

a lot of folks have disastrous relationships with their parents because they weren't told about the affair the right way or because the parents had failed to put down some boundaries.

 

Sorry, but this is nonsense.

 

It was the very fact that the ws was messing around that led to the divorce. So please explain to me how the bolded makes any sense at all? The sex life of the op, in as far as it affected the marriage, most did certainly affect the day to day dynamics of the relationship between the parents and children.

 

This son is 11 now, and 11 year olds know a lot more about sex and cheating than adults often give them credit for. They are not as innocent as many would like to believe. They see sex and cheating in popular culture, they hear about divorce from their friends, and learn a lot more about "adult matters" than maybe they should. Their son asked the question, which means he already had suspicions.

 

That is likely why this is coming up now, and to a kid, putting them off by saying " talk to your mother" or we are both going to talk to you about that" can be akin to telling yet another lie ( and they'll probably guess at the truth anyway) .

 

Having an honest answer ready that states facts without placing blame is the best solution in many cases. In this case, dad was asked about it, he learned the truth without any sort of editorializing about her character. He was also told that mom was sorry and that he needs to respect her and any deviation from that would have consequences.

 

This mother and father did what they thought was best in the situation, and all the stuff about parental alienation is just silly and comes off as vindictive. Could it have been handled better? Probably, but advice about being suspicious of her ex and taking hi to court will do a lot more damage and could completely fracture their co parenting relationship.

[salparadise]

I will never understand why cheaters think that the cheated on spouse should break their trust with their children, and take the fall for breaking up the family, so that the cheater will temporally have a better relationship with their children based on a lie.

 

I think there is actually a lot more than that that you don't understand.

 

Essentially what you're saying is that making sure the cheating is exposed to the children so that the wayward spouse suffers consequences is the most important thing––more important than protecting even young children. Then you rationalize this by arguing that it would be even more damaging if the details came to light years later.

 

It's evident that your narrow, one-sided perspective is aimed at punishing the wayward spouse by sacrificing the children's positive regard for that parent. It is reactionary and based in your personal distain for infidelity and lack of insight with regard to the children. You can't get outside of your own head on this issue and view it with objectivity. All of your thinking is based on making sure the guilty party suffers, and you somehow manage to rationalize away the fact that the children's interest should be the priority, and yet under your total disclosure at all costs scenario they will be the ones who suffer the most. I don't understand why a reasonably intelligent person would not be able to see this!

 

And it's further exasperated by the way you act like you know definitively that it's a black and white issue and someone designated you the arbiter of justice... and then keep posting as if saying the same thing over and over makes you more right. Damn this place is frustrating sometimes.

[autumnnight]

I believe that since the son asked, telling him the truth was the only real option.

 

None of that is an issue for me.

 

MY issue is the ridiculous notion that a child can just toss of a parent's authority at 11 because of a bad choice the parent made 8 years ago. No one with an objective mind who has ever actually been a parent can think that makes sense.

[autumnnight]

Wow! This board is so active. I am grateful for all the scenarios mentioned here. It was very helpful.

 

So I asked my H to come down for face to face talks when he comes to take our son. When he came I asked our son to go to his room because dad and I needed to talk. I made my displeasure known clearly. I read all the advises given here about what sort of damage these sorts of revelations causes to children and I said I was not ok. This cannot continue. He agreed that he should have asked me before talking to him. I asked why didn't he inform me after this happened. Same reasons as stated earlier. But I was pissed and was thinking "well if you were not so engaged with riding with your girlfriend, you would have paid more attention to this matter". Though didn't utter it though.

 

But I stopped short of threatening him with any litigations but said that these cannot happen again. And whenever son again asks him something, he should discuss it before saying anything to him. Same goes for me.

 

What I came to know that when my son asked, H said that I "fell in love with someone else when he was small" but I came back. All these years I really tried to make things right again. But H couldn't cope with the problems anymore that arose when I "fell in love". He tried. But in the end it didn't work out. He understood that it would be better if we two separated. And that though those problem arose because of my actions, it wasn't my fault for the current divorce and that I really tried.

 

Well that reassuring, I guess!

 

Then we called our son. And H strightaway said to what he was disappointed to hear how he has been acting. What he was doing was disrespectful to me. Whatever our problems, it was between us. But to our son, I was still the mother who cooked for him, who washes his clothes, who takes cares of things that he needs, who supports him in his activities. And I do all of these things without any conditions. And that deserves respect. He better not hear again that he (our son) has again blatantly disrespected me. If that happens again, he is not going to give him any pocket money and will make sure I didn't either ( He actually said that). And he will also take him out of the school that he goes and send him to a boarding where he will learn proper manners. And was he clear? Son meekly said "yes". Then he asked him to go back to his room.

 

Then we started discussing about counseling options. He has not made the list of counselors yet but says by next Saturday he will prepare one.

 

I actually think maybe it was not intentional by H. Lets see.

 

It sounds like your husband - who was the one actually betrayed - has a better head on his shoulders than a lot of strangers who weren't even affected by your actions. Good for him.

 

I am glad the two of you talked like adults, and I am glad your H has enough sense to encourage your son to respect you.

[Try]

Essentially what you're saying is that making sure the cheating is exposed to the children so that the wayward spouse suffers consequences is the most important thing––more important than protecting even young children. Then you rationalize this by arguing that it would be even more damaging if the details came to light years later.

 

It's evident that your narrow, one-sided perspective is aimed at punishing the wayward spouse by sacrificing the children's positive regard for that parent.

The goal of telling the truth about the affair is not "aimed at punishing the wayward spouse by sacrificing the children's positive regard for that parent". The goal is to allow the child to trust what they hear from their parents in dealing with what is a life changing situation for that child. Studies show that the betrayed spouse gets over the sex of affair much faster than they get over the lies associated with the affair. It is no different for the children. Again, this is not about punishing anyone. This is about both parents doing what is really in the best long term interest of the child and their relationship with the parents. I admit that lies may help in the short term, but notice that I said long term.

 

The whole premise of lying to the child about the affair is based on the false belief that if the child knows about the affair that this would long term be "sacrificing the children's positive regard for that parent", which is just not true. When I was around the same age as the OP's son, my dad talking to me on the ski trip to tell me the truth about his affair actually was comforting and help bond us. I also was then able to have an open and honest conversation with my mom abut the affair, and even asked her if she could ever forgive my dad enough to give him another chance. When I was a little older my relationship with my dad was so solid that I asked to live with him, and in fact did. Yes I still blame him for breaking up the family because he is to blame, but he is still my dad.

Edited September 6, 2015 by Try

[Horton]

who you f&ck has nothing to do with your parent & child relationship.

 

I'd be willing to bet that her son, who will now be having two separate families instead of the one he's known for the past 11 years would thoroughly disagree with that position.

[minimariah]

I'd be willing to bet that her son, who will now be having two separate families instead of the one he's known for the past 11 years would thoroughly disagree with that position.

 

for sure, since the OP really believes her marriage was a good & a happy one priror to the affair - which i consider some heavy & deep denial.

 

my parents divorced because their union wasn't working. what went down and how it went down - none of my business. they divorced because clearly the marriage wasn't a good one and they're better off apart - all i need to know.

[Try]

What I came to know that when my son asked, H said that I "fell in love with someone else when he was small" but I came back. All these years I really tried to make things right again. But H couldn't cope with the problems anymore that arose when I "fell in love". He tried. But in the end it didn't work out. He understood that it would be better if we two separated. And that though those problem arose because of my actions, it wasn't my fault for the current divorce and that I really tried.

 

Well that reassuring, I guess!

With a goal of minimizing any damage the truth of the affair would have on your relationship with your son, it would be hard to imagine a better way for your husband to have worded it.

 

Then we called our son. And H strightaway said to what he was disappointed to hear how he has been acting. What he was doing was disrespectful to me. Whatever our problems, it was between us. But to our son, I was still the mother who cooked for him, who washes his clothes, who takes cares of things that he needs, who supports him in his activities. And I do all of these things without any conditions. And that deserves respect. He better not hear again that he (our son) has again blatantly disrespected me. If that happens again, he is not going to give him any pocket money and will make sure I didn't either ( He actually said that). And he will also take him out of the school that he goes and send him to a boarding where he will learn proper manners. And was he clear? Son meekly said "yes". Then he asked him to go back to his room.

It is clear that your husband was not trying to be vindictive and did not act with malice. Now that the truth of the affair has been dealt with in such a healthy way, although short term there may be issues, long term you will see that the truth was the right way to go.

[World's.Edge]

I believe that since the son asked, telling him the truth was the only real option.

 

None of that is an issue for me.

 

MY issue is the ridiculous notion that a child can just toss of a parent's authority at 11 because of a bad choice the parent made 8 years ago. No one with an objective mind who has ever actually been a parent can think that makes sense.

I think you just described teenagers there:D, except they don't need a reason other than hormones.

 

Parents and children will argue, disagree and experience dissension at times, it's normal.

 

Her son has a right to his emotions and how he feels. His anger and frustration at the the fact that his family is divorcing due to his parents being unable to work through an affair his mother had eight years prior is understandable.

 

I think that it is better that he express his emotions rather than hold them in. If he hadn't expressed how he felt, neither parent would have known that there was an issue, and this wouldn't have been addressed. Her husband is a shining example of what happens when one doesn't express their emotions, communicate and behaves as if everything is fine.

 

This was actually a great opportunity for learning and growth by both parents and their son. Conflict and conflict resolution are necessary and essential components of social interaction and relationships.

 

 

not talking about the OP, imagine this purely hypothethical situation -

the BS tells the kid that the WS cheated and that's the reason their family broke up. everyone cheers because the BS has the right to tell the truth.

 

let's turn the tables - would it be okay for the WS to tell the truth, too? would it be okay for the WS to tell - hey, i cheated because your parent was a horrible and awful spouse so i had to look elsewhere what i wasn't getting at home? would people cheer for the truth then, too?

.. but that isn't the truth though is it. Telling your child or children that the reason for divorce is due to infidelity within the marriage is being truthful.

 

What you wrote above as the wayward's truth are excuses made by some adulterers for their behaviour and choice to engage in infidelity, not the truth. Those are issues and reasons to either work on the marriage, or to divorce.

[autumnnight]

I'd be willing to bet that her son, who will now be having two separate families instead of the one he's known for the past 11 years would thoroughly disagree with that position.

 

So is it your contention that when a parent makes a poor choice, their children no longer have to obey them?

[TaraMaiden2]

I haven't read the whole thread, so if I'm repeating something someone else has said, or have the wrong end of the stick, someone who's been following - please advise me...

 

...But:

 

At one point or another the kid will realise, wake up to, come to terms with the fact that his parents are human, and humans do stuff.

Sometimes others like what we do, other times they don't.

Approval, disapproval, doesn't change the action or event.

 

When a friend of mine had an affair outside his marriage, he and his wife involved the children as little as possible.

The kids knew what had gone on, but guess what? With the passing of time, the children now see that the people they refer to as 'Mum and Dad' are not only 'parents'. They weren't only 'married'. They also had hearts, minds and lives of their own.

 

Yes, it's a poor decision to have an affair.

Yes, part of the consequence is that it has an effect on everyone.

 

But in time - this will fade, and become less traumatic, less earth-shattering, less emotional.

 

Mom and dad are a man and a woman.

Mom and dad have feelings, desires. flaws, faults and imperfections - just like everyone else.

 

The children of the above-mentioned relationship are now in relationships themselves.

The eldest son has been in a LTR, but is now separating from his GF, because the 'spark has gone' and he doesn't feel the same way about her as he used to. They also had a pretty 'open relationship'...

 

The younger child (a daughter) is into her 4th serious relationship, is living with the guy, but fully understands what it is like to both 'dump' and 'BE dumped'.

 

Both the children 'get it'.

 

At the time, they were hurt and bewildered, but now, they see things in a more adult, dispassionate, detached and understanding way. They comprehend how fickle emotions can be, and how they can fluctuate.

 

In hugely brief...?

 

This too shall pass.

[truncated]

for sure, since the OP really believes her marriage was a good & a happy one priror to the affair - which i consider some heavy & deep denial.

 

my parents divorced because their union wasn't working. what went down and how it went down - none of my business. they divorced because clearly the marriage wasn't a good one and they're better off apart - all i need to know.

 

You are taking your limited experience and extrapolating to that being the right thing to do for everyone else.

 

The op is recounting her experience as she sees it. Since she is a fully functioning adult and able to express her own feelings, I would trust her view of her own particular situation much more than I would trust your view of it.

[TaraMaiden2]

You are taking your limited experience and extrapolating to that being the right thing to do for everyone else.

No, I think what she's trying to illustrate is that this happens, and with the passage of time, things dissipate and take on a different light...

I don't think she's suggesting this is what should happen here, I think she's suggesting that a mountain is being made out of a molehill-that-looks-like-a-mountain....

I could, of course, be wrong, but it's just how I'm seeing it....

 

The op is recounting her experience as she sees it. Since she is a fully functioning adult and able to express her own feelings, I would trust her view of her own particular situation much more than I would trust your view of it.

Yes, but the OP is in the thick of it, and doesn't have the benefit or advantage of hindsight, as minimariah, or my friends' children have....

I think both my post and the one you quoted from minimariah both point to the same thing: Matters seem overwhelming and dramatic, right now, and perhaps they are; but in time, everything changes, everything is seen in a new, or under a different, light.....

[sandylee1]

There isn't always a right or wrong. The manner in which children are/are not informed about the break up of a marriage or reasons for it may differ. Even different therapists/counsellors give different advice, so there are no absolutes and it's NOT an exact science.

 

Just because something works for one family, doesn't mean it will work for another.

 

RT - The way your STBXH spoke to your son, made it very clear that you were united in his parenting and I just love the way he said no pocket money if he did it again and he'd tell you not to give him any either. That shows his support and that he won't tolerate you being disrespected - in the grand scheme of things, that's a fantastic result. I would have said a mighty big 'yes' in my mind when he spoke to your DS.

[Oberfeldwebel]

You and your husband are in a difficult situation, but you both need to take a deep breath and a step back. The fact is you have to gain control of the situation, you two may have issues with one another, but you can’t let this affect your son. I think your son needs truth, but not details of issues. You two need to stand up for one another as well. For example, when your son was disrespectful to you, you brought it to your husband and he stood up for you as deserving his respect, though I would refrain from threatening to send him off to school, this could be deemed as abandonment by your son. The same is true about you supporting your husband. If your son blamed him for leaving as unjustified, you could have supported his decision and taken some blame without giving details. Nothing is gained by throwing one another under the bus.

 

Additionally, as the divorce moves forward you would be all be best served by doing it amicably. The only one who ever gains in a contested divorce are the attorneys. Naturally, you both have to be fair, but the bottom line is nothing is gained by not being fair to one another. Also you two need to spend as much quality time with your son, even if projects you want to do suffer in the short run.

[truncated]

No, I think what she's trying to illustrate is that this happens, and with the passage of time, things dissipate and take on a different light...

I don't think she's suggesting this is what should happen here, I think she's suggesting that a mountain is being made out of a molehill-that-looks-like-a-mountain....

I could, of course, be wrong, but it's just how I'm seeing it....

 

 

Yes, but the OP is in the thick of it, and doesn't have the benefit or advantage of hindsight, as minimariah, or my friends' children have....

I think both my post and the one you quoted from minimariah both point to the same thing: Matters seem overwhelming and dramatic, right now, and perhaps they are; but in time, everything changes, everything is seen in a new, or under a different, light.....

 

 

I'm not trying to be rude, but I suggest you read the entire thread. There's things you have missed

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm not trying to be rude, but I suggest you read the entire thread. There's things you have missed

 

Ok, thanks... I'll try to plough through it!!

[understand50]

Ok, thanks... I'll try to plough through it!!

 

TareMaiden,

 

You should read all of Remorseful tab's's threads. It will be a 3 cups of coffee read.

 

I think why there are lots of responses to her threads, is her situation hits a big nerve, be it her son, or the questions, "Does a WS ever get to a point where they are forgiven for their past actions".

 

Myself, I just wish her and her son well. I also hope that her SBEX, finds peace of mind as well. I still have some hope for them as a family.

[truncated]

TareMaiden,

 

You should read all of Remorseful tab's's threads. It will be a 3 cups of coffee read.

 

I think why there are lots of responses to her threads, is her situation hits a big nerve, be it her son, or the questions, "Does a WS ever get to a point where they are forgiven for their past actions".

 

Myself, I just wish her and her son well. I also hope that her SBEX, finds peace of mind as well. I still have some hope for them as a family.

 

From what I can tell, both she and her husband seem to be committed to being a family even if they are no longer married to one another.

 

That is really commendable, as it's putting their son first.

[m.snow]

From what I can tell, both she and her husband seem to be committed to being a family even if they are no longer married to one another.

 

That is really commendable, as it's putting their son first.

 

this

 

marriage and family are two separate things.

 

the marriage may be over but that does not stop being a good family.

she will always be a mother to his son

and he will always be a father to her son

 

its great that they both agreed to have counseling.

 

the best thing is to have a "family" get together to sort this out, maybe during counseling or a dinner after wards.

[anika99]

So is it your contention that when a parent makes a poor choice, their children no longer have to obey them?

 

 

I haven't seen Horton, nor anyone else say anything close to this.

[autumnnight]

I haven't seen Horton, nor anyone else say anything close to this.

 

Then perhaps you should re-read the thread.

[Zenstudent]

I think the original statement was about respect. You can obey someone and yet not respect them.

I once tried to demand respect from a team I managed - it made me look like an idiot.

Future actions will determine if OP's son will respect his mother. I believe she's doing very well and has her head straight on.