My son knows about my infidelity

[TX-SC]

She has owned the cheating. She is still his mother, and he still needs to respect and obey her. Period.

 

Absolutely he does. I never said otherwise. What I am saying is that she should not be angry the husband told. Lying and keeping this from him is just wrong. When she cheated, she destroyed the family unit. She has to own that. When he was 2, yes, too young to know. But, he is 11 now and old enough to know the truth.

[Clay]

I think you just need to focus on helping your son heal. This is going to be a time where he will need you. Sure it probably wasn't best your x told him but it would have came out eventually and it would have to addressed then as the same as it will now. Get him into counceling. Hopefully your x can see it wasn't the best way to let him know.

 

I would suggest you be open and honest to your son. Its not like you have to tell him specifics but own your mistake and show him you are sorry for it. This will help him heal as well.

 

My son will not have anything to do with his mother. She to this day owns up to nothing she does. Its everyone elses fault she is in this situation. He sees her for who she really is and hates her for it.

 

Sadly infidelity doesn't just hurt your spouse. It kills damn near everything in its path. All you can do now is be supportive and love him.

 

C

[remorseful_tab]

Make your mind up.

 

In post #23 of this thread, you said it was "because you husband didn't give you something."

 

You should clearly stay away from these forums because you don't read the whole thing people say.

 

P.S.- I won't reply to you posts anymore.

[Sub]

but you can sue for parental alienation.

look that up.

 

The son asked him a question and he answered it. It probably wasn't the wisest choice at the time, but answering a question honestly isn't parental alienation.

[minimariah]

Stop trying to blame her husband, the fault was on both parts...[/quote{

 

no - the fault is on her husband ONLY.

 

HE was the one who thought dropping a bomb that big to a 10 year old would be a great idea and FAILED TO MENTION that to his ex wife -- that their kid knows about her affair.

 

the amount of folks wanting to see the OP punished and thinking she deserves all of this and that absolutely EVERYTHING is her fault is amazing.

 

and, by the way - my advice was fantastic -- the OP should protect herself and by that i mean looking up parental alienation simply to be aware and prepared if something like this happens again.

 

i really never said that she should run to the court right now and here.

[Hope Shimmers]

My affair happened for no reason other than my selfish nature. My affair has destroyed my life and most importantly, my H's and my son's life. I am disgusted that you think I got something from that turd (my AP) that my H wasn't or weren't capable to give. Its just that I never asked my H or gave him any change.

 

I am certainly not going to tell my son the reasons you stated why I had the affair and what I got out of it and how because it was my H's inability to give me something.

 

Thank you

 

Make your mind up.

 

In post #23 of this thread, you said it was "because you husband didn't give you something."

 

Satu I think you misread. Re-read her last sentence. She is saying she isn't going to tell her son something that IS NOT TRUE.

[minimariah]

The son asked him a question and he answered it. It probably wasn't the wisest choice at the time, but answering a question honestly isn't parental alienation.

 

according to the courts (depends in which country though) - it is. i actually know folks who had sued and won in situations very similar to these.

 

courts don't care about who asked what or were you tellin the truth - they see a parent incapable of protecting a kid & his relationship with his mother. that is it.

[SoulStorm]

Stop trying to blame her husband, the fault was on both parts...[/quote{

 

no - the fault is on her husband ONLY.

 

HE was the one who thought dropping a bomb that big to a 10 year old would be a great idea and FAILED TO MENTION that to his ex wife -- that their kid knows about her affair.

 

the amount of folks wanting to see the OP punished and thinking she deserves all of this and that absolutely EVERYTHING is her fault is amazing.

 

and, by the way - my advice was fantastic -- the OP should protect herself and by that i mean looking up parental alienation simply to be aware and prepared if something like this happens again.

 

i really never said that she should run to the court right now and here.

 

Would you be saying the same things if the wife told the son and the roles were reversed?

[remorseful_tab]

Some people thinking that I am going soft on H in the hopes that he comes back are dead wrong. I am not going soft but neither am I going to risk a long protracted, messy divorce.

 

Till now everything has been amicable with least cost involved on both sides.

 

A long drawn out divorce will only harm me financially. H has given me the apartment we live in. He has agreed to split everything 50-50.

 

But the apartment is in a very accessible place in London which makes it very costly to maintain. I want to keep this apartment. But a long divorce and me suing for alienation of parental affection (I will discuss this with my lawyer) will only hurt me. Because H is well equipped for a long drawn divorce than me.

Besides a much higher paying job than mine, he has the backing of his grandfather and father. He is going to receive a very large inheritance when his grandpa dies and I believe he will use that money for the divorce and not suffer a pinch in his pocket.

 

On the other hand my mother is not so well off to the point I have to send her money. And being single again I have to take care of myself and my son. Basically 3 people are dependent on my income.

[minimariah]

[Would you be saying the same things if the wife told the son and the roles were reversed?

 

absolutely.

 

don't try to make this about the roles - this is some really poor parenting.

 

i am super happy and thankful to my parents that they were good enough to spare me talks like these until i was old enough to understand... no matter how many questions i had asked. that should be the norm, not a happy exception.

 

my parents handled it really well - that's probably the reason i'm allergic to "parents" like these.

[oldshirt]

I think y'all are being a little harsh on the STBX. I have a son that just turned 11 yesterday. If his home life was being disrupted due to his mother's infidelity, I some point that would be disclosed.

 

I think it would have been better in the long run if they had worked out an arrangement where RT was the one that came clean and broke it to him once he started asking the hard questions and holding out for a real answer,but I don't think anyone can really fault him for clarifying that he was not the one that cheated.

 

I think he should've at least given her a heads up that they had the discussion and that there may be some fallout, but I think it's unrealistic to think that life would go on without the son ever finding out.

 

I know having a child angry with his mother, evokes a very visceral reaction in people, but this is one of the consequences and effects of infidelity.

 

I'm not saying it is OK for him to disrespect and mistreat his mother because she cheated. But I am saying that this is one of the natural outcomes that will result when someone cheats. It is to be expected and to be delt with when it occurs. And it has now occurred.

 

Now it needs to be delt with. .....by both parents working together.

 

I see nothing here that the STX acted out of spite or intent to damage the mother son relationship so I think the whole idea of "sueing" him or involving attorneys etc is rediculous. He could have addressed it a little more sensitively to RT' s feelings but nothing here indicates any malice or intent to cause undue pain or suffering.

[elaine567]

Any decent parent who was thinking of his son, would have contacted RT and said little Johnny here is upset and wants to know why we are divorcing, I think we should have a meeting and discuss how we are going to tackle this and then speak to him as loving parents about this. Maybe we should organise a counsellor on standby, as this is going to be tough for him.

 

BUT NO.

No concerned parenting involved at all, revenge pure and simple with no care for his son.

Johnny your mother opened her legs for another man and that is why I am divorcing her.

You're upset? then blame that mother of yours, SHE caused all this. Make sure you tell her that, the next time you see her, make her pay...

[anika99]

using the truth to damage your kid's relationship with their parent is a definition of parental alienation - the courts don't care about the truth, they care about the part where the truth you're telling is hurting your kid.

 

she should apologize but she should be real about it - keeping his dad blameless and putting the entire blame on herself isn't it. why not tell the WHOLE truth...? clearly there was a reason she cheated and clearly she was getting something from the AP that she wasn't getting from the STBXH (his fault or not).

 

OP - tell him the entire truth. WHY you cheated, how wrong it was, that it had happened with a reason and that BOTH of you and your STBXH are to blame for the marriage ending. do not let him make a saint out of your STBXH while demonizing the hell out of you at the same time. contact your lawyer as fast as you can, i assume your soon to be ex has a plan of his own.

 

from my experience - just apologizing won't be enough, especially if your soon to be ex keeps this up.

 

Do you hear the hypocrisy in this advice. First you say the truth is causing parental alienation and damaging to the child and then you advise the OPto ramp up the parental alienation and damage to the child by giving him even more hurtful truths to carry on his shoulders. How exactly is a 10 yr old ever going to understand things about emotional and sexual needs in a marriage? If his father was beating his mother he could understand his mothers unhappiness but talking about emotional neglect or things of that nature are not going to make sense to him or sound like good reasons for cheating on his dad.I don't agree with the what the dad did in this story. It was wrong but playing tit for tat won't undo the damage or do anything to help the kid.

 

 

OP I'm so sorry this happened. I agree with the posters saying you can't let this be an excuse for your son to blatantly disrespect you or manipulate you. Yes you can apologize to him and reassure him of your love but he still has to treat like a parent worthy of respect.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so terribly sorry that this has happened. My son has just turned 9 & he's still Mummy's boy. I can't even start to imagine what you are all going through. I'm a BW but my instinct is to offer you a huge hug & try to make this better. There has already been so much pain. This is about YOUR SON! I think you are well aware of this OP. Please don't get distracted by other issues.

 

From my personal experience with family the worst thing you can do to a child is belittle either parent. I have adult cousins who still mentally struggle because of their parents horrific divorce. They learn way too young what slag & bastard meant with plenty of examples!! It's so wrong.

 

You & your H need to pull together as PARENTS if you can. Decide what you're going to say. Explain this again to your son. Ideally his father needs to tell him that he must respect you & follow your rules. Even with your M falling apart you could still work as a team to raise the happiest most well adjusted little person possible. Work together to get therapy. Is there a divorcing/family MC? Your son definitely needs IC & I think you should work together on this.

 

Mostly I wanted to reach out to you. As I said, I can't imagine being in your situation. Heart breaking. I'm so sorry.

[minimariah]

Any decent parent who was thinking of his son, would have contacted RT and said little Johnny here is upset and wants to know why we are divorcing, I think we should have a meeting and discuss how we are going to tackle this and then speak to him as loving parents about this. Maybe we should organise a counsellor on standby, as this is going to be tough for him.

 

BUT NO.

No concerned parenting involved at all, revenge pure and simple with no care for his son.

Johnny your mother opened her legs for another man and that is why I am divorcing her.

You're upset? then blame that mother of yours, SHE caused all this. Make sure you tell her that, the next time you see her, make her pay...

 

^^ all of this.

 

any decent parent should know that telling your kid about the other parent's affair is a REALLY bad idea. any decent parent should know that you should break down the news in cooperation with the other parent in order to do what's truly the best for your kid.

 

and every bad parent uses "but i was in soooo much paaaaaaaain!" mantra as an excuse. you're a grown up and have a kid - suck it up for a day until you figure out what to tell your son and how to tell it.

[SoulStorm]

While I will agree that the husband should have deterred that conversation with his son until you both could talk about with him, I also see that the husband was put in a tough situation.

 

Did you actually want him to take the blame for the divorce? While he was the one who decided to divorce, he was well within his rights to make that decision.

 

Just as you had the choice for your affair, he has the choice whether or not to stay married after you had that affair.

 

Your son was going to find out eventually if he kept pursuing why his family was

broken up. Obviously he thought it was because of his dad. His dad moved out and obviously you were sad about that..so was it ok to let dad take the fall because he couldn't get pass what you did?

 

People say that you shouldn't bring children in the middle of an affair, but the moment you start one..they are right there in it with you...

[Dutchman1]

She has owned the cheating. She is still his mother, and he still needs to respect and obey her. Period.

 

So, how make him respect his cheating mom?

Tell him

:

yep, mom cheated on your dad for more than a year, it was.something mom couldn't help because moms boyfriend at that time was way better in bed than your dad?

And that you're growing up in a broken family, well mommy is sorry but you still have to obey mommy and respect and trust her.

 

You simply can not make this hurt half Remi boy go against his thruth and self esteem . He's not a circus monkey.

 

 

Dutchman 1

[SoulStorm]

absolutely.

 

don't try to make this about the roles - this is some really poor parenting.

 

i am super happy and thankful to my parents that they were good enough to spare me talks like these until i was old enough to understand... no matter how many questions i had asked. that should be the norm, not a happy exception.

 

my parents handled it really well - that's probably the reason i'm allergic to "parents" like these.

 

Well what works for you may not work for everyone. Everyone isn't a minimariah

[minimariah]

Do you hear the hypocrisy in this advice.

 

that was sarcasm, Anika.

 

clearly, it didn't translate that well.

[minimariah]

Well what works for you may not work for everyone. Everyone isn't a minimariah

 

the approach my parents had is the only right and normal & mature one. & yeah, it works for everyone.

 

sit down, know what you're going to say, make sure the kid doesn't feel guilty, make sure that the both of you are just humans and make sure that there is no bad blood. make sure that the kid knows how both parents love him and will always be there for him and respect each other.

 

like... is it REALLY that hard? REALLY?

[SoulStorm]

the approach my parents had is the only right and normal & mature one. & yeah, it works for everyone.

 

sit down, know what you're going to say, make sure the kid doesn't feel guilty, make sure that the both of you are just humans and make sure that there is no bad blood. make sure that the kid knows how both parents love him and will always be there for him and respect each other.

 

like... is it REALLY that hard? REALLY?

 

Ok..I can agree to that and they did have that conversation with him before dad left. He was 2.5 years old then. Now at 11 he needs a more in depth reason to why. Like I said..dad could have deterred that conversation, but the outcome would have been the same if they told the son the TRUE reason of the divorce. Mom cheated. He would still be angry with her. There is no indication that his dad told him to make bad blood...he just told him the truth.

[minimariah]

...but the outcome would have been the same if they told the son the TRUE reason of the divorce.

 

i strongly disagree.

 

i think the outcome would have been completely different if the approach was different. even if he was to get mad - they would have had the opportunity to deal with the child's anger TOGETHER, right then and there.

 

i'm very interested to see what will the OP's soon to be ex say to their son in order to try to fix the entire situation.

[anika99]

Make your mind up.

 

In post #23 of this thread, you said it was "because you husband didn't give you something."

 

 

Seriously? You take a snippet from an entire statement and twist it out of context just for what purpose?

 

 

Here is the whole post, please pay attention to the bolded

 

 

"My affair happened for no reason other than my selfish nature. My affair has destroyed my life and most importantly, my H's and my son's life. I am disgusted that you think I got something from that turd (my AP) that my H wasn't or weren't capable to give. Its just that I never asked my H or gave him any change.

 

I am certainly not going to tell my son the reasons you stated why I had the affair and what I got out of it and how because it was my H's inability to give me something.

 

Thank you "

 

 

Another poster had told the OP that she should talk to her son and tell him her reasons for having the affair and tell her son what she was getting from the affair from her affair partner that she wasn't getting from her son. The post you quoted was the OP answering that poster and vehemently denying that she was getting anything good from her affair partner and denying that her husband was somehow to blame. Not sure how you managed to twist it around as it was pretty easy reading.

[anika99]

that was sarcasm, Anika.

 

clearly, it didn't translate that well.

 

 

Sorry about that. The sarcasm flew over my head. I

[RightThere]

Kids, even an 11 year old, do not need to deal with adult problems.

 

Telling the son was wrong and does nothing other than give dad the "See, I was right in leaving her" show. It was a selfish move on his part, plain and simple.

 

If he feels like he's entitled to be selfish because of what has happened to him, that's his bag.

 

It's just another sh!# sandwich that a BS is supposed to eat after infidelity. Because someone in the relationship needs to continue being the grown up and not think about just themselves.