My son knows about my infidelity

[Try]

He admitted he told it to him. My son was asking him some very hard questions last Saturday. Like what was it that it made him desperate to leave? Couldn't we solved our problems and stayed together? He saw his friends's parents in school getting divorced. He never thought this would happen in our family.And then finally asked was he cheating on me?

Your husband had no choice but to tell your son. A parent should not lie to their children about such a thing, and your son is now old enough to know why. The truth be told, one of the main reasons that your husband tried to give the marriage a second chance was because 8 years ago your son was too young to have to deal with divorce in his life. Your son is now much older and better able to deal with it. For your husband, your marriage ended 8 years ago, and try as he might, he never really could get himself fully enlisted for the second one. Sad for everyone. Many on this site would give their right eye to have a cheating spouse be as remorseful when caught as you were, but that is not the type of person your husband is.

[oldshirt]

Kids, even an 11 year old, do not need to deal with adult problems.

 

Telling the son was wrong and does nothing other than give dad the "See, I was right in leaving her" show. It was a selfish move on his part, plain and simple.

 

If he feels like he's entitled to be selfish because of what has happened to him, that's his bag.

 

It's just another sh!# sandwich that a BS is supposed to eat after infidelity. Because someone in the relationship needs to continue being the grown up and not think about just themselves.

 

Sounds good in principle, but probably not workable in real life. Kids aren't oblivious to what's happening in their home. No matter how discreet parents try be kids still pick up things and hear what you don't think they hear.

 

When I was 9 or 10, my father had an affair. Neither of them ever told me or ever indicated how serious things were between them. My folks stayed together and never separated even temporarily.

 

When I was in my mid 20s I was having a heart to heart with my dad and I let on that I knew all along. His jaw about hit the floor and tears welled up in his eyes and he couldn't bring himself to say another word.

 

We're they right or wrong to keep it from me? Maybe their intentions were in the right place but kids know so much more than you ever think they do.

[Sweetgirlie]

Actions have consequences.

 

QED.

 

Oh that was not at all supportive Satu....

[Marc878]

Pretty sad thing.

 

This type of thing affects not only the H and W but the children as well.

 

Sometimes both families, friends, etc.

[World's.Edge]

Make your mind up.

 

In post #23 of this thread, you said it was "because you husband didn't give you something."

Uhm, that is not what she wrote. You should re-read the entire post and try to understand what she wrote in response to what minimariah wrote.

 

My affair happened for no reason other than my selfish nature. My affair has destroyed my life and most importantly, my H's and my son's life. I am disgusted that you think I got something from that turd (my AP) that my H wasn't or weren't capable to give. Its just that I never asked my H or gave him any change.

 

I am certainly not going to tell my son the reasons you stated why I had the affair and what I got out of it and how because it was my H's inability to give me something.

 

Thank you

[oldshirt]

In this case RT' s stbx did not handle it by the book and didn't do it completely right. He should've brought RT in on it.

 

Maybe next time when he has more experience and training in divorce situations he will do better (yes that is sarcasm)

 

He isn't an infallable person. But I think it's a really long stretch that people are saying he is a bad parent and that legal action needs to be taken on him.

 

Was the mother of the baby a great parent when she was carrying on a year and half affair with man she liked more than the baby's father at the time?????

 

When it comes to parenting, no-one bats 1000 and never makes a mistake.

 

He should've brought RT into it or at bare minimum gave her a heads up this was coming. He's kind of a creep for that and she has just cause to be pi$$ed at him.

 

But like someone else said above, this day was inevitable and it was never going to come off perfectly and by the book when it did come.

 

And even if they handled it perfectly and by the book, it would have resulted in about 10-15% less anger, sadness,confusion and hurt feelings.

 

It would not have resulted in no distress no matter how well it was played.

[Sastrugi]

I think y'all are being a little harsh on the STBX. I have a son that just turned 11 yesterday. If his home life was being disrupted due to his mother's infidelity, I some point that would be disclosed.

 

I think it would have been better in the long run if they had worked out an arrangement where RT was the one that came clean and broke it to him once he started asking the hard questions and holding out for a real answer,but I don't think anyone can really fault him for clarifying that he was not the one that cheated.

 

I think he should've at least given her a heads up that they had the discussion and that there may be some fallout, but I think it's unrealistic to think that life would go on without the son ever finding out.

 

I know having a child angry with his mother, evokes a very visceral reaction in people, but this is one of the consequences and effects of infidelity.

 

I'm not saying it is OK for him to disrespect and mistreat his mother because she cheated. But I am saying that this is one of the natural outcomes that will result when someone cheats. It is to be expected and to be delt with when it occurs. And it has now occurred.

 

Now it needs to be delt with. .....by both parents working together.

 

I see nothing here that the STX acted out of spite or intent to damage the mother son relationship so I think the whole idea of "suing" him or involving attorneys etc is ridiculous. He could have addressed it a little more sensitively to RT' s feelings but nothing here indicates any malice or intent to cause undue pain or suffering.

 

very well said Oldshirt.

 

Why are folks rubbing the distance past in OP's face, what exactly does this accomplish? how does it help solve the current discipline issue with her son. Or throwing out a Nuclear option because STBX did not think through his response to his son. . Ridicules. Use commonsense. OP does not need to be reminded of her past discretion, she lives it every day. It is not ok to keep shoving it into her face.

 

STBX made a pour choice and did not handle the discussion well with his son. OP is with in her right and should demand the stbx discuss how not to let this happen again . Was he perfect no. Is it worth a lawsuit. only a moron would think so.

 

mt two cents,

s.

[BeingMe]

RT, I've been on the other side of a very similar situation (I'm not your H btw!).

 

In my case, I protected my STBXH for a couple of years after he left. Unlike you, he was telling the children that he left because I argued with him so much.

 

My STBXH had disclosed his cheating to some people, as had I. But shortly after he left, he backtracked and now denies cheating. I was about to move somewhere, where a lot of people knew about his cheating. When my eldest (younger than yours) asked me, again, why STBXH left, I realised that if I didn't tell him, someone else might & I'd rather he hear it from me.

 

When I told him, I was very careful to state it as a fact and refuse to discuss it. But I did ask eldest how he felt....Paraphrasing: He told me that he'd asked STBXH if he cheated and STBXH had denied it, but it made sense & he was relieved. He had been blaming himself for the split.

 

I, like your H, didn't tell my STBXH straight away. I was scared of his reaction and of being accused of parental alienation. I was scared of things getting even worse between us. And I was scared that the children would be caught in the middle because I was pretty sure that he'd lie....I was scared. That doesn't make it ok, though.

 

My STBXH continues to tell the children that he didn't cheat. They do not believe him and his lying has caused them to mistrust him. BUT, they have not stopped loving him. And I always talk positively about STBXH and encourage them that it's great that they love him. Their relationship with him is ok.

 

Phew,that was long wasn't it?

 

Anyway...RT, I was so impressed that you were honest with your son.

 

Yes, he's going to be angry, but that anger comes from feeling hurt that you're not who he thought (all children have their parents on pedestals & he was going to feel like that about you at some point, even if it wasn't about this) and also he's going to be feeling betrayed/deceived/foolish that he didn't know this before.

 

Your honesty with your son, and your remorse, will really help him heal from that. Unlike my STBXH, you are giving him a solid foundation to rebuild his trust in you.

[qubist]

some posters here attacking the OP and defending her H decision to tell their son about her A are acting like if she is still having her A which made her H leave. which is not he case. if you haven't followed OP's initial thread here is a summary: she had an A more that 8 years ago, H confronted her and demanded she ends the A, she had been remorseful and did all she could in her eyes to earn his trust, 8 years later he wanted a D. the separation has been going amicably with mutual respect he even apologized to her that it had to go that way. so there was no need for him to do this. It could've been just an intentional mistake if that's a case he can solve it.

[autumnnight]

So, how make him respect his cheating mom?

Tell him

:

yep, mom cheated on your dad for more than a year, it was.something mom couldn't help because moms boyfriend at that time was way better in bed than your dad?

And that you're growing up in a broken family, well mommy is sorry but you still have to obey mommy and respect and trust her.

 

You simply can not make this hurt half Remi boy go against his thruth and self esteem . He's not a circus monkey.

 

 

Dutchman 1

 

I'm going to assume you are not a parent. Otherwise you would not think a child can completely disregard their parents' instruction and rules due to some marital failure on the parent's part.

 

Ridiculous.

[jen1447]

Has anyone considered the possibility that the H may be lying about the touching scene between him and the son? The air between divorcing or separated spouses isn't exactly the most toxin-free.

 

OP obvs knows best but I'm getting the impression you're (OP) bargaining for your H in the interest of the hope of an amicable resolution for your son.

[RightThere]

Sounds good in principle, but probably not workable in real life. Kids aren't oblivious to what's happening in their home. No matter how discreet parents try be kids still pick up things and hear what you don't think they hear.

 

When I was 9 or 10, my father had an affair. Neither of them ever told me or ever indicated how serious things were between them. My folks stayed together and never separated even temporarily.

 

When I was in my mid 20s I was having a heart to heart with my dad and I let on that I knew all along. His jaw about hit the floor and tears welled up in his eyes and he couldn't bring himself to say another word.

 

We're they right or wrong to keep it from me? Maybe their intentions were in the right place but kids know so much more than you ever think they do.

 

I don't disagree for a second that kids won't be perceptive and pick up on way more clues than the parents think.

 

But to tell an 11 year old, who has likely never had sex and doesn't understand everything that goes along with it, that his mother slept around and that's why dad left is irresponsible. Kids have enough pressure to deal with and are still figuring out their own emotions and maturity levels. To throw an adult problem like that into a kids lap when he has less tools available to cope with it than an adult is straight up selfish.

 

Kids are definitely entitled to know the truth at some point. And I won't pretend to know exactly where that line is. But I do know that and 11 year old virgin is below that line.

 

Kids need to know that their parent's couldn't work things out, they are both very sad that is didn't work out, and that it had nothing to do with the kids.

[elaine567]

The Impact of Parental Alienation on Children

Parental alienation is more common than is often assumed: Fidler and Bala (2010) report both an increasing incidence and increased judicial findings of parental alienation; they report estimates of parental alienation in 11-15% of divorces involving children; Bernet et al (2010) estimate that about 1% of children and adolescents in North America experience parental alienation.

[understand50]

Some people thinking that I am going soft on H in the hopes that he comes back are dead wrong. I am not going soft but neither am I going to risk a long protracted, messy divorce.

 

Till now everything has been amicable with least cost involved on both sides.

 

A long drawn out divorce will only harm me financially. H has given me the apartment we live in. He has agreed to split everything 50-50.

 

But the apartment is in a very accessible place in London which makes it very costly to maintain. I want to keep this apartment. But a long divorce and me suing for alienation of parental affection (I will discuss this with my lawyer) will only hurt me. Because H is well equipped for a long drawn divorce than me.

Besides a much higher paying job than mine, he has the backing of his grandfather and father. He is going to receive a very large inheritance when his grandpa dies and I believe he will use that money for the divorce and not suffer a pinch in his pocket.

 

On the other hand my mother is not so well off to the point I have to send her money. And being single again I have to take care of myself and my son. Basically 3 people are dependent on my income.

 

Remorseful,

 

In the end, we are just whispers on the internet.

 

I thought your son was 8 years old, 11 is a much older age, and I think he can hear the truth. My suggestion now is to tell him all that you think he needs to know. He will have questions, and let him know if he has more when he is older you will talk to him.

 

My earlier post, was in the nature of believing that your SBEX, had done this to mess up your relationship with your son. I think that would be beyond the pale. I do not not know your husband, I only know you, and what you have told us. I try and give you advise on what I would do. I also come from the angle that, from what ever you may have done, you do not deserve to be punished for the rest of your life.

 

So, I am glad you talked to your SBEX, but please let your lawyer know as well so they can keep a eye on things. Your SBEX needs to know that, you both should not bad month each other, or place you son in the middle of anything that is going on between you. There may be slip ups, but they should be few and far between. I am sure you are trying to do this. I just wonder if your SBEX is as well. Going into WW3, understand why you do not want to, and your financial situation. Just keep your eyes open and powder dry, and protect yourself. I think you have done well so far, and keep up the good work. As for your son, he will come around, just give him time.

 

I wish you luck.

[Artie Lang]

did someone here actually suggest you sue for "alienation of parental affection"... are you insane??? not only is it going to be hard to prove, but the toll it's gonna take on his young little mind is potentially devastating.

 

this is nobody's fault. the little guy had some questions regarding his parents dissolved marriage and after further pressing his father, he got the truth. how can anyone blame his father for telling this boy the truth... how far is the lie about the actual state of events gonna go. at his current age, he deserves nothing but the TRUTH. kids are very keen on these things... they see it every day in their lives. especially now given that they are constantly bombarded with subjects such as divorce, domestic abuse, and infidelity in the media.

 

all you can do now is be understanding and give him time and space to digest this revelation. sure he hates you at the moment but hopefully with time and counseling, he can manage his frustrations. i don't think he will ever forget about it, but hopefully he can come to forgive you at some point.

[understand50]

did someone here actually suggest you sue for "alienation of parental affection"... are you insane??? not only is it going to be hard to prove, but the toll it's gonna take on his young little mind is potentially devastating.

 

this is nobody's fault. the little guy had some questions regarding his parents dissolved marriage and after further pressing his father, he got the truth. how can anyone blame his father for telling this boy the truth... how far is the lie about the actual state of events gonna go. at his current age, he deserves nothing but the TRUTH. kids are very keen on these things... they see it every day in their lives. especially now given that they are constantly bombarded with subjects such as divorce, domestic abuse, and infidelity in the media.

 

all you can do now is be understanding and give him time and space to digest this revelation. sure he hates you at the moment but hopefully with time and counseling, he can manage his frustrations. i don't think he will ever forget about it, but hopefully he can come to forgive you at some point.

 

No, the suggestion is to bring to the attenuation of the court. Family courts, and England is much the same, do not like one parent hurting the children, or ether party bad mouthing each other. Remember, courts will at all times give the well being of the child more weight then anything else between the divorcing parents. I have seen this twice in the U.S. and I would bet the English courts would be same. Remember, both the US and England run under English common law as the base.

 

So, I suggest the Remorseful, let her lawyer know and then make a decision on what, if anything she may or should do. In any case, both Remorseful and her SBEX, need to know that the court is now a third player in all their lives, and will be until their son reach's adulthood (18 in England?)

[elaine567]

did someone here actually suggest you sue for "alienation of parental affection"... are you insane??? not only is it going to be hard to prove, but the toll it's gonna take on his young little mind is potentially devastating.

 

this is nobody's fault. the little guy had some questions regarding his parents dissolved marriage and after further pressing his father, he got the truth. how can anyone blame his father for telling this boy the truth... how far is the lie about the actual state of events gonna go. at his current age, he deserves nothing but the TRUTH. kids are very keen on these things... they see it every day in their lives. especially now given that they are constantly bombarded with subjects such as divorce, domestic abuse, and infidelity in the media.

 

all you can do now is be understanding and give him time and space to digest this revelation. sure he hates you at the moment but hopefully with time and counseling, he can manage his frustrations. i don't think he will ever forget about it, but hopefully he can come to forgive you at some point.

 

No-one has suggested that the little boy is not told the truth, but the way the father did this and didn't even inform the mother of what he had done, a week ago, and left her to feel the full blast of her son's anger with no prior warning, was spiteful and not in the interests of his son and I feel it was disgraceful behaviour.

[Artie Lang]

sorry, but why would you put this child in the middle of such litigation? you do realize he will be questioned about his relationship with his parents and be in a position to further alienate him from his mother, right? how the hell does that help him exactly?

[Marc878]

remorseful_tab

 

I would try and be as calm as possible during these trying times.

 

The cat is out of the bag so you'll have to deal with it as best you can.

 

Be careful what you do and say. Put some thought into it.

 

If you think back that letter you wrote about how great the OM was probably what put the nail in your marriages coffin.

 

Nothing more devastating to a man than to have to read that and you can never take it back. Words and actions are the same. Don't repeat the same mistakes no matter what H does. He will have to own his.

 

Remember you have to help raise your son with him.

 

An H leaving like this is not that uncommon.

 

I wish you both the best.

[Artie Lang]

again, this is nobody's fault. it seems like most of you are scapegoating his father. i agree that he probably should have further consulted his ex-wife about the subject, but to actually point the finger at this man for his son's anger at his mother flawed thinking.

[privategal]

It might be best to let him stay with his Dad for a bit if possible. He's at a rebellious pre teen age and needs a strong male influence and he needs to miss you.

Forcing conversation and respect wont work. Space and time will. Anger is an automatic response to hide emotion.

I would let him have room and consider a temporary arrangement with his Dad so he can come to terms and not have you right in his space so your relationship suffers more as he builds more anger and acts out more causing you maybe to exlode more, fight back, pushing him further away. Just some maybes to consider.

Im so sorry. Hopefully his father can talk to him more about respect and forgiveness even if only for the sake of your mother som relationship. Best wishes.

[Artie Lang]

was spiteful and not in the interests of his son and I feel it was disgraceful behaviour.

 

were you there... did you actually hear how it went down?

 

even if he did consult his wife before hand, he was owed the truth. what difference does it make... the child would've gotten angry at the simple fact that his mother cheated on his father and that was the reason why they were getting a divorce. no need to make it more than it was. he's angry because his mother hurt his father beyond words and that is why they aren't together- PLAIN AND SIMPLE!

 

why point fingers?

[jen1447]

sorry, but why would you put this child in the middle of such litigation? you do realize he will be questioned about his relationship with his parents and be in a position to further alienate him from his mother, right? how the hell does that help him exactly?

 

If there have been custody hearings (and I assume there have since they don't live together), the child's already been and continues to be at the center of court proceedings. If OP had a concern that H was maligning her and damaging her parental rights and influence, that same court would be the appropriate place to address it, and she'd be well within her rights to do so, both in her interest and the child's.

 

This sort of thing goes on in courtrooms every day. A parental alienation claim might be a bit out of the ordinary compared to most proceedings (that normally determine things like does dad get to see Junior every second Wednesday or Thursday), but it's certainly not unprecedented or improper.

[Artie Lang]

^i will ask you again... how does this help the situation??? for the child, i mean? it only serves to make him more angry and resentful. is this what the OP really wants?

[bigman1]

Rt lang has it right. In the end little man you're entitled to be angry, resentful, and overall spiteful of OP. That having been said, she is still his mother and she did not lose that status. This immediate short-term consequence / reaction is understandable, expected, and natural. If we were just happy and skipping around or generally unaffected then I would have been concerned. Cuz then he would just be a powder keg waiting to erupt. Still little man is going to have to show right show respect and listen. Remorseful is going to have to keep making amends to him and work through the counseling.

 

This is in no way parental alienation. Telling the truth how about a cause and effect is not actionable. Also it is absolutely ridiculous to suggest then this grown woman sit down and go in depth with an 11 year old about her reasons for cheating.

Edited September 4, 2015 by bigman1