My son knows about my infidelity

[Sastrugi]

 

you can tell who is childless on this thread just by reading their responses. some of you really never dealt with a small kid a day in your life.

 

Can you, do I have Kids?

[sweet_pea]

WRONG. you folks keep repeating this as if it's actually true.

 

he had a choice to postpone the conversation & tell his kid this --

 

"hey buddy, that's a hard convo... can you maybe wait until tomorrow so both me and mom can talk about it with you? we will answer any questions you have, okay?"

 

he had a choice to tell his kid that they will have that convo with the mother & that he didn't cheat without revealing about the mother's affair UNTIL the decision is made WITH THE MOTHER & then told the kid TOGETHER.

 

dude tells his son that his mom had an affair, fails to notice the emotional distress of his own kid, fails to think about the damage that the fact will cause to his kid and his relationship with the mother, fails to tell the kid's mother about it and that's an awesome dad to you?

 

i'm truly amazed.

 

I have to question how you came to this conclusion. According to OP via her STBX, their son appeared fine. If their son is outwardly acting as if he is OK, then isn't that what STBX will think he is? I'm assuming the STBX is not a mind-reader, and if their son isn't expressing his anger or verbalizing it, how do we know that his father failed to notice this emotional distress? Unless I missed it where STBX asked their son if he was OK and the child said no, which is a different story.

 

Also, I have to ask, if people are arguing that the STBX shouldn't have told their son because it caused him to be angry/etc, how would OP or both parents telling him not cause him to be angry either? Would one parent/both parents telling over another somehow ease the child's reaction- especially if it's the same message?

 

I think this whole thing doesn't make him a good or bad dad. For me, it's one of these neutral things. I think you're trying to push your own views of parenting onto this situation, especially since you have been talking about what is "good" or "bad" or normal for parenting. I think most of us can come to an agreement about certain things making a bad parent (i.e. being abusive), but parenting is not black and white and all depends on each person. Some would argue that having an affair makes a bad parent, so in that case OP isn't a good mother either (not saying that, just an example). Some say that letting slip a curse work makes a bad parent, or drinking a glass of wine in front of a child makes a bad parent, or whatever. This is all subjective.

 

I also question when would be the "right" time to tell their son? When he's a teen, an adult, never?

[masoj3k]

yes (& i'm, unlike most here, speaking from experience) - the kid should be told by the WS herself OR both parents present.

 

They have been separated for a few months now at least? Why didn't the OP tell the child when she had a chance. Surely the child would have asked her similar questions and she would have had a chance to respond in a careful controlled considered fashion if she planned ahead. Did the OP plan to tell the child or did she was to defer it for as long as she could?

[HereNorThere]

It really boils down to helicopter moms who feel that they can create reality for their children and shield them from all the evil in the world. Unfortunately, kids are much too receptive for this type of thinking.

 

Eventually the child figures out he's been lied to or mislead and feels betrayed. They no longer trust their parents and think, "well, if they lied about his, they must have lied about that." That's a dangerous place to have a teenager in. You want them to have trust in what you say, as opposed to thinking that you lie to protect them.

 

"Some people will not tolerate such emotional honesty in communication. They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds that it might hurt others. Therefore, having rationalized their phoniness into nobility, they settle for superficial relationships." - unknown

[Try]

the BS is a grown man dealing with a child. he isn't and wasn't a hostage of his child's demands - following pure logic and common sense, he most definitely has and had a choice... choiceS and optionS. as in, more than one.

He kept it a secret for 8 years, while the child was still very young. In an open heart to heart conversation with his own child, the cheated on spouse felt that it was the right time to answer a direct question from the son. It was his call as he was the one that was there. He did what he though was right for his son, with no obligation to the cheating wife. Telling his cheating wife after he told the son was a courtesy that I would have probably done, but at the end of the day he owes his cheating wife nothing when it comes to this topic.

[minimariah]

How is that any different than BS telling the child?

 

hint, hint - the BS wasn't the one having the affair.

 

My Point was that no matter who told the child, or if they told the child together, the child would be extremely hurt and still blame the WS.

 

& i already explained why is your point wrong.

Edited September 5, 2015 by minimariah

[minimariah]

He kept it a secret for 8 years, while the child was still very young.

 

he didn't. you can't keep a secret from someone who isn't even in the position to understand it - let alone to find out about it.

 

In an open heart to heart conversation with his own child, the cheated on spouse felt that it was the right time to answer a direct question from the son.

 

& he made a mistake.

 

It was his call as he was the one that was there.

 

and he made the wrong call.

 

He did what he though was right for his son, with no obligation to the cheating wife.

 

Telling his cheating wife after he told the son was a courtesy that I would have probably done, but at the end of the day he owes his cheating wife nothing when it comes to this topic.

 

you're so focused on the "cheating wife" that you fail to realize that the obligation is to his KID & that, my friend, includes encouraging and being kind to the child's relationship with the child's mother.

 

few parents can actually put aside their ego and be kind and calm even when the other parent doesn't deserve it. that's how you know the difference between good and bad parenting in the first place.

 

this disgusting need to punish the other side while using your child as a weapon and blaming it all on the other spouse...? sweets, that's exactly why the parental alienation is even a thing.

Edited September 5, 2015 by minimariah

[minimariah]

I have to question how you came to this conclusion.

 

this way --

 

According to OP via her STBX, their son appeared fine.

 

we are talking about a 10 year old. how good of an actor a 10 year old is, what do you think?

 

Would one parent/both parents telling over another somehow ease the child's reaction- especially if it's the same message?

 

yes.

 

I also question when would be the "right" time to tell their son? When he's a teen, an adult, never?

 

when he is able to understand the situation.

[eric1]

With all due respect,shouldn't the kid wanting to be with the parent who has always but commitment and family first be a good thing?

 

It shows a strength of character.

[m.snow]

the OP's xH is [] emotionally immature []

 

if you want to talk to your kid about the affair or about the divorce - both of you should sit down with the kid and COMMUNICATE... that's how GROWN folks do it. the point is to protect the child's relationship with BOTH parents - everything else is straight up childish & parental alienation.

 

.

 

revealing the truth to your son is parental alienation? why?

because he hates what his mom did?

 

so technically you lie to protect your son, like you lie about you affair to protect your marriage.

 

"now that's childish"

 

let the truth out and chips fall where the may!

 

the son probably asked the father about it!

 

the father kept this from his son for 8 years he never revealed this to the son.

 

the son must have clearly pressured his father.

[masoj3k]

this disgusting need to punish the other side while using your child as a weapon and blaming it all on the other spouse...? sweets, that's exactly why the parental alienation is even a thing.

 

You seem to have taken an extreme view on things.

 

A more simpler view was the BS spent some time with his son and during those days the child kept asking for the reason for the break up of the family and whether the father was to blame as he assumed the father may have cheated on the mother.

 

The father may have decided that he had enough of half-truths, deceptions and lying to his son and decided to tell the child.

 

I agree that in an ideal world the parents should have told the child together and prepared how to tell the child. I agree that the father should have told the mother before the child got home what had happened.

 

But a simpler view is that this wasn't warfare on the BS part, he was simply be honest with his son rather than trying to continue to misdirect or let his son think that he was the cheating party. Unfortunately sometimes the truth hurts and WHEN the son found out the truth, the result would still have been the same.

 

As others have said, and given very good advice, the OP just has to ride this out and continue to be the best mom she can to her son and get the son to gradually understand that she will continue to love him regardless of the past and whatever actions the son makes now (out of anger).

[m.snow]

did you expect it to be kept a secret forever?

 

he protected his son for 8 years.

 

and we don't know his side of the story.

 

i don't get that you can kept the affair a secret.

that somehow wont come out in the future.

 

if you have had an affair. you must face those consequences.

 

consequences of losing your husband your family even losing your children.

 

and no amount of begging for forgiveness will ever erase that it will always be there.

 

once you fire a gun you cant take the bullet back.

 

now you just have to deal with it.

Edited September 5, 2015 by m.snow

[masoj3k]

I wouldn't go that far either. From what I have seen on these forums and in RL, children have a good capacity to forgive eventually if effort is made and time has lapsed.

[66Charger]

this way --

 

when he is able to understand the situation.

 

If he is able to question the Father wether he cheated on his Mother, then he clearly understands what cheating is and therefore the situation.

 

By these words, it was the right time.

[66Charger]

What is amazing is that the OP was able to handle the Husbands "error" diplomatically, many post ago, defend her STBX and still you WAR. Whose thread is this?

[sandylee1]

RT

 

- The counselling is a good idea

 

- Give your son some time to process all this

 

- Be honest with him (age appropriate )

 

- Kids use the word hate often, he's just hurting right now

 

- Reassure him you love him and always will do

 

- He WILL not forget the good times with you

 

- He WON'T forget the cuddles/kisses when he fell down and cut

his knee and you put a plaster on it

 

- Right now he's unsettled, but in time he'll soon find some

positive things with his two homes. It might be a while, but

my niece and nephews (parent's divorced), like getting two sets

of gifts for birthdays and Christmas. They get two vacations a

year....

 

Of course they didn't want the divorce, but they adjusted and they

are fine now. They've rebelled a couple of times and my ex SIL and my brother always have the kids best interests at heart...just as you and your STBXH do.

 

Your H isn't trying to make your son turn against you and from his actions in looking after you, putting the flannel on your head when you were sick a couple of weeks ago, he still cares about you. If he didn't, he'd have just gone home.

 

Your plan of action from here is good. Just stay on path and keep focused.

[66Charger]

Just now had a talk with H.

 

He said that if son were to go to a counselor, it will be better if we pay a visit to a counselor together to assess him if he/she was a proper one to discuss such issues with a boy. I said ok. My H said he will make a list of counselors who deals with children going through divorces and share the list with me. Then we can visit every one on the and then decide which one to select.

 

And since son is again going to H's tomorrow, he will talk to him about this.

 

Just in case the angry missed this.

 

Well handled RT. Bravo

[road]

My son is soon to be 11. If my H decided to tell our son when I was dicovered, he was only 2.5. Do you think I 2.5 yr old would have understood what was being said?

 

 

No though kids of the age of four can understand that when mom's and dad's get married they do not date other people. Well mom has a BF and has been going on dates with OM (insert OM's name). What mom is doing is known as having an affair.

 

 

Plain simple truth. No details, no sex info.

 

 

Many kids blame themselves for their parents marriage ending. The truth sets these kids free.

 

 

The only reason the WS gets mad when their kids are told is because they know it puts them in a bad light.

 

 

Though the WS never worries about their kids finding out about their affair when they doing their AP. So why do they complain after the fact that their affair was exposed to their kids?

 

 

How selfish to expect to get it both ways.

[road]

sometimes you need to think about your kid 1st and act like a grownup.

 

he was asking the questions - the dad couldn't say something along these lines... "hey buddy, that's a hard convo... can you maybe wait until tomorrow so both me and mom can talk about it with you? we will answer any questions you have." then he could have called the OP & they could have agreed on what is to be said.

 

everyone always talk about the amazing truth... you should think about your kid 1st. this big truth everyone likes to talk about, in reality, has 0 to do with their child's well being. believe that.

 

 

Agree to the truth? Are you serious?

 

 

Getting stories straight is what the WS and the AP do. That is known as lying.

 

 

So are you advocating that they lie to their child?

[HereNorThere]

Some children do turn out okay, but it's definitely a hindrance. Studies show that the divorce drastically changes their risk factors. Counseling should be mandatory for any child in this risk group.

 

The EMOTIONALLY Damaging Children and Divorce Statistics

 

Studies in the early 1980’s showed that children in repeat divorces earned lower grades and their peers rated them as less pleasant to be around. (Andrew J. Cherlin, Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage –Harvard University Press 1981)

 

Teenagers in single-parent families and in blended families are three times more likely to need psychological help within a given year. (Peter Hill “Recent Advances in Selected Aspects of Adolescent Development” Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 1993)

 

Compared to children from homes disrupted by death, children from divorced homes have more psychological problems. (Robert E. Emery, Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment” Sage Publications, 1988

 

The PHYSICALLY Damaging Children and Divorce

 

statistics about children and divorce

 

Children of divorce are at a greater risk to experience injury, asthma, headaches and speech defects than children whose parents have remained married. (Dawson, “Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well Being” National Health Interview Survey on Child Health, Journal of Marriage and the Family)

 

Following divorce, children are fifty percent more likely to develop health problems than two parent families. (Angel, Worobey, “Single Motherhood and Children’s Health”)

 

Children living with both biological parents are 20 to 35 percent more physically healthy than children from broken homes. (Dawson, “Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well-being” Journal of Marriage and the Family)

 

Most victims of child molestation come from single-parent households or are the children of drug ring members. (Los Angles Times 16 September 1985 The Garbage Generation)

 

A Child in a female-headed home is 10 times more likely to be beaten or murdered. (The Legal Beagle, July 1984, from “The Garbage Generation”)

 

The Long Term Effects of Divorce On Children

 

A study of children six years after a parental marriage breakup revealed that even after all that time, these children tended to be “lonely, unhappy, anxious and insecure. (Wallerstein “The Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children” Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 1991)

 

Seventy percent of long-term prison inmates grew up in broken homes. (Horn, Bush, “Fathers, Marriage and Welfare Reform)

 

Problems Relating to Peers

 

Children of divorce are four times more likely to report problems with peers and friends than children whose parents have kept their marriages intact. (Tysse, Burnett, “Moral Dilemmas of Early Adolescents of Divorced and Intact Families. Journal of Early Adolescence 1993)

 

Children of divorce, particularly boys, tend to be more aggressive toward others than those children whose parents did not divorce. (Emery, “Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment, 1988)

 

Suicide Children and Divorce Statistics

 

People who come from broken homes are almost twice as likely to attempt suicide than those who do not come from broken homes. (Velez-Cohen, “Suicidal Behavior and Ideation in a Community Sample of Children” Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 1988)

 

High School Drop Out Statistics

 

Children of divorced parents are roughly two times more likely to drop out of high school than their peers who benefit from living with parents who did not divorce. (McLanahan, Sandefur, “Growing Up With a Single Parent: What Hurts, What Helps” Harvard University Press 1994)

 

So all this talk about the disclosure possibly harming the child is NOTHING in comparison to what the infidelity possibly did to his life. He has such a higher risk of getting divorced himself one day now. Him finding out now is such a small, negligible issue compared to what happened to his life.

[road]

I agree. In general, if you can manage it, it's better for the WS to be the one to tell the kids or the BS and WS together.

Why, so the WS can say it was the BS's fault, put a spin on it, lie, lie by omission, do damage control?

[lollipopspot]

This Monday after coming back from his father's my son has been very cross with me. Keeping shut in his room, not answering my questions, rudely disregarding what I asked him to do. Actually he has been like this since my H left but to a much lesser extent.

 

So today he was playing playing music very loudly in his room. I asked him to keep it down. He didnt. Then I again went back to his room and and switched off his computer. And I straightaway asked him what happened. He looked at me hard and then said he knew why dad left. He will never forgive me for it. I was horrified. I asked him who told him (the answer was obvious though). His dad told him. I didn't know what to say. I broke down in front of him. I just kept bawling "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" You know what he said to me then? Whatever the court decides, he will spend more time with his father. And I needed to get out of his room.

 

I am horrified, bewildered, scared. Even my son hates me now.

 

He seems quite entitled, and he's certainly running the show. I'd try to curb this.

 

Be understanding, because he's going through a lot with a divorce, but he needs to understand that you all have separate relationships with each other, and he can't possibly know all the ins and outs of your relationship with your husband, nor is it his business to.

[Hope Shimmers]

Seriously!!?? Twelve pages of people arguing about who should have told the boy and how? When even the OP has moved on and said they are working together to co-parent?

 

It wasn't even her original question. She asked how to get on better footing with her son.

[road]

some posters here attacking the OP and defending her H decision to tell their son about her A are acting like if she is still having her A which made her H leave. which is not he case. if you haven't followed OP's initial thread here is a summary: she had an A more that 8 years ago, H confronted her and demanded she ends the A, she had been remorseful and did all she could in her eyes to earn his trust, 8 years later he wanted a D. the separation has been going amicably with mutual respect he even apologized to her that it had to go that way. so there was no need for him to do this. It could've been just an intentional mistake if that's a case he can solve it.

 

So you are justifying that the BH lie to his child?

[underwater2010]

This Monday after coming back from his father's my son has been very cross with me. Keeping shut in his room, not answering my questions, rudely disregarding what I asked him to do. Actually he has been like this since my H left but to a much lesser extent.

 

So today he was playing playing music very loudly in his room. I asked him to keep it down. He didnt. Then I again went back to his room and and switched off his computer. And I straightaway asked him what happened. He looked at me hard and then said he knew why dad left. He will never forgive me for it. I was horrified. I asked him who told him (the answer was obvious though). His dad told him. I didn't know what to say. I broke down in front of him. I just kept bawling "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" You know what he said to me then? Whatever the court decides, he will spend more time with his father. And I needed to get out of his room.

 

I am horrified, bewildered, scared. Even my son hates me now.

 

 

I have never believed in putting adult concerns on children. However, the cat is out of the bag. What did you expect? That your BH would put the cross on his back and bear it? Explain that things might be a little more complicated and put your son counseling. It is going to take a lot to bounce back from this.

 

 

And congratulations for instilling distrust in women in him.