Want to end it but kids....

[Radarsat]

If it weren't for my kids, I'm not sure I'd be writing this right now. I so desperately want to end my life so that I can stop hurting people in my life. I don't have many friends and I've destroyed my marriage.

 

 

What I want to know is, has anyone gone through a parent committing suicide? My kids are only 7 & 4 and I'm hoping that they are so young that perhaps they won't remember and/or they will be able to get over me being gone. I worry about my wife too, but I know she hates me right now for my betrayal and I know she will eventually find someone so much better.

 

 

Please help me...kids are resilient right? Will they even remember? I don't want to hurt anymore people, but I know I will do just that if I keep remaining alive.

 

 

Please, anyone with this experience or stories, I need to hear them. I love my kids dearly, but I want the best for their future. And I'm totally messed up, which is why I think I'd be best gone.

[lollipopspot]

Please help me...kids are resilient right? Will they even remember? I don't want to hurt anymore people, but I know I will do just that if I keep remaining alive.

 

Please, anyone with this experience or stories, I need to hear them. I love my kids dearly, but I want the best for their future. And I'm totally messed up, which is why I think I'd be best gone.

 

Nope they're not that resilient. For the rest of their lives it would be haunting them, and they would look to that as a solution to deal with their life problems - that's the way we learn from our parents. That's part of why alcoholism and other coping mechanisms tend to run in families. Sylvia Plath's son committed suicide. Maybe he had inherited depression, but absolutely he carried that as a legacy and coping mechanism from his mother.

 

What do you think of calling a crisis line and getting in to see a counselor immediately?

 

Take care. Things will look different in time - they always do.

[Radarsat]

Nope they're not that resilient. For the rest of their lives it would be haunting them, and they would look to that as a solution to deal with their life problems - that's the way we learn from our parents. That's part of why alcoholism and other coping mechanisms tend to run in families. Sylvia Plath's son committed suicide. Maybe he had inherited depression, but absolutely he carried that as a legacy and coping mechanism from his mother.

 

What do you think of calling a crisis line and getting in to see a counselor immediately?

 

Take care. Things will look different in time - they always do.

 

 

Is there not a possibility that they simply wouldn't find out? Could ask wife to say Dad just got sick and passed? I am seeing a psychologist weekly and I'm on meds....I just feel this loss is way too much. I tried calling the local crisis line and they wouldn't pick up. I"ve done too much damage for far too long.

[RecentChange]

Nope, they aren't resilient - I know people that are VERY damaged by their parent's suicide. And at their age, they WILL remember, and be heart broken and destroyed.

 

PLEASE reach out for help!!! You children do not deserve to go through such a nightmare.

 

My partner lost his father to suicide. It's been decades since it happened, but he STILL struggles with it regularly. He will break down sobbing for "no reason" - but the reason is something reminded him of his father and his pain. It has caused problems in his life and relationships.

 

And I had a friend who also lost his father - and he too stills struggles with sadness and depression as a result.

 

Please - don't make your kids think that they aren't good / special / loved enough for you to stay here with them.

 

PLEASE get help!!!!

[Radarsat]

Nope, they aren't resilient - I know people that are VERY damaged by their parent's suicide. And at their age, they WILL remember, and be heart broken and destroyed.

 

PLEASE reach out for help!!! You children do not deserve to go through such a nightmare.

 

My partner lost his father to suicide. It's been decades since it happened, but he STILL struggles with it regularly. He will break down sobbing for "no reason" - but the reason is something reminded him of his father and his pain. It has caused problems in his life and relationships.

 

And I had a friend who also lost his father - and he too stills struggles with sadness and depression as a result.

 

Please - don't make your kids think that they aren't good / special / loved enough for you to stay here with them.

 

PLEASE get help!!!!

 

 

I just want the best for them and I feel I'm far too messed up mentally to provide them with a stable father figure. I'm so scared to live...I tried getting help!! No one will pick up. Thanks everyone for your help and suggestions. I even prayed to God (Dad told me I need to return to my faith) and my day has gotten worse. What was I thinking!?! I'm so glad my wife kicked me out.....they don't need this ****. I'm sorry everyone. I'm such a ****ing whiner baby.

[RecentChange]

It won't be better for them - it will be horribly painful for them.

 

Makes me think of the girl I went to high school with who committed suicide on the anniversary of her fathers suicide.

 

There IS help! This is not a permanent situation!

 

1-800-273-8255

 

Or text Hi to 741741

 

Please please please do not do this to your children. They will NEVER recover.

[RecentChange]

It won't be better for them - it will be horribly painful for them.

 

Makes me think of the girl I went to high school with who committed suicide on the anniversary of her fathers suicide.

 

There IS help! This is not a permanent situation!

 

1-800-273-8255

 

Or text Hi to 741741

 

Please please please do not do this to your children. They will NEVER recover.

 

Be strong for them - you CAN make it through this!

[15Love]

Are you taking your anti-depressants regularly. I know you mentioned in another thread sometimes you tend to come off them.

 

You're kids will be ruined. It will define their lives forever. You need to put them first.

[NewLeaf512]

If it weren't for my kids, I'm not sure I'd be writing this right now. I so desperately want to end my life so that I can stop hurting people in my life. I don't have many friends and I've destroyed my marriage.

 

 

What I want to know is, has anyone gone through a parent committing suicide? My kids are only 7 & 4 and I'm hoping that they are so young that perhaps they won't remember and/or they will be able to get over me being gone. I worry about my wife too, but I know she hates me right now for my betrayal and I know she will eventually find someone so much better.

 

 

Please help me...kids are resilient right? Will they even remember? I don't want to hurt anymore people, but I know I will do just that if I keep remaining alive.

 

 

Please, anyone with this experience or stories, I need to hear them. I love my kids dearly, but I want the best for their future. And I'm totally messed up, which is why I think I'd be best gone.

 

 

My husband committed suicide. It's a permanent solution to what is likely a temporary problem, but I promise you that even though my H was not a good person, the experience left such deep wounds in me I will never recover. Hi family are in even worse shape and this is more than 10 years later.

 

 

I beg of you to think of your family, you kids, please don't do it. My life had been a lot of sheer hell since I was a kid but I know this: when someone dies and a child is left with that, no answers, no you, just a big gaping hole. They will never trust another person as long as they live. PM me if you want to.

[casey.lives]

Kids are resilient but not for suicide. Kids can tell when a parent is unhappy and would rather have their parent find happiness at any cost, so long as they are not abandoned. Kids have the gift of true love, your happiness is what they seek. Children are sweet and more understanding then we let on. Kids are powerful - they can save lives. Giving up on you is akin to giving up an their love.

Edited September 5, 2015 by casey.lives

[CarrieT]

My father was 9 when his father was found with a self-inflicted bullet through his head. This was in the 1930s, during the height of the depression.

 

A year later, my father's mother died "of a broken heart" because she couldn't handle the stress, pain and anguish. Her actual cause of death has never really been determined.

 

She left behind my father - now 10 years old - plus five daughters who ranged in age from 13 to 20. It is a dark cloud that hangs over my family and when I became a suicidal pre-teen, I remember my parents fighting over my healthcare and counseling. My mother insisted I would grow out of it and (not knowing the actual story about my grandfather), I heard my father yell at my mother, "I don't want her [meaning Me!] to end up like my Father!"

 

So, OP, save yourself for your children. Your suicide might not only affect their lives, but their children's as well.

[Radarsat]

Are you taking your anti-depressants regularly. I know you mentioned in another thread sometimes you tend to come off them.

 

You're kids will be ruined. It will define their lives forever. You need to put them first.

 

I've taken my cipralex (10mg) daily at 7:00 AM since Aug.26th. I'm not crying as much. But when I'm not with someone, like my kids who I just dropped off (had them in my apartment lastnight)then I feel like dying. I'm really pathetic everyone. Don't waste anymore time on me. I'm ****ing useless. Fact of the matter is, I can't even kill myself. Too afraid. And yes, now I'm worried I would mess my son and daughter up even more than I have already. But yet, I really wish a truck would run me over. I'm praying each night that I don't wake up. I know I made this hell.

 

What if I just dissapeared. No one knows I'm dead.

[Radarsat]

My father was 9 when his father was found with a self-inflicted bullet through his head. This was in the 1930s, during the height of the depression.

 

A year later, my father's mother died "of a broken heart" because she couldn't handle the stress, pain and anguish. Her actual cause of death has never really been determined.

 

She left behind my father - now 10 years old - plus five daughters who ranged in age from 13 to 20. It is a dark cloud that hangs over my family and when I became a suicidal pre-teen, I remember my parents fighting over my healthcare and counseling. My mother insisted I would grow out of it and (not knowing the actual story about my grandfather), I heard my father yell at my mother, "I don't want her [meaning Me!] to end up like my Father!"

 

So, OP, save yourself for your children. Your suicide might not only affect their lives, but their children's as well.

 

I'm really sorry you and your father went through all this. I hear what your saying, but I feel being around them (my kids)is going to damage them more. I want to change, and I feel I have around them already, but I still feel my anger/rage risingat times and I worry it will NEVER leave. I'm damaged and I just want to be put out forever. There has to be an easy way to do this and not hurt others. Or leave something with them to explain my pain and why it's not their fault.

[Popsicle]

I went through a very sad period of time like this after my divorce, but I pulled out of it after about 3 weeks with the help of 1 friend who made the kids a focal point. You need to pull yourself together for your kids. You can't selfishly abandon them like that, they would be devastated, and they need you. Get yourself together and vow to never let yourself go back to that place again.

[Radarsat]

I went through a very sad period of time like this after my divorce, but I pulled out of it after about 3 weeks with the help of 1 friend who made the kids a focal point. You need to pull yourself together for your kids. You can't selfishly abandon them like that, they would be devastated, and they need you. Get yourself together and vow to never let yourself go back to that place again.

 

I'm trying. I'm going to try to call a crisis line again. I couldnt get through a few other times I just need someone to talk to. As soon as I leave my kids or a friend I feel like ending it. It doesn't make logical sense I realize...clearly I've killed more than a few brain cells over the years. What I disagree the most is regarding whether my kids NEED me. Really? They need an unstable father? They need a father who is now out of the house and never around in the morning? I don't think so. I've stolen from them. They need a replacement dad and I know their mummy will find one. She's amazing.

[Popsicle]

I'm trying. I'm going to try to call a crisis line again. I couldnt get through a few other times I just need someone to talk to. As soon as I leave my kids or a friend I feel like ending it. It doesn't make logical sense I realize...clearly I've killed more than a few brain cells over the years. What I disagree the most is regarding whether my kids NEED me. Really? They need an unstable father? They need a father who is now out of the house and never around in the morning? I don't think so. I've stolen from them. They need a replacement dad and I know their mummy will find one. She's amazing.

 

I agree that you need someone to talk to almost around the clock right now. I did. And, yes, your kids do NEED you. They look up to you whether you believe in yourself or not. Get yourself together and work on being the parent they see you as and you should be.

[Radarsat]

I agree that you need someone to talk to almost around the clock right now. I did. And, yes, your kids do NEED you. They look up to you whether you believe in yourself or not. Get yourself together and work on being the parent they see you as and you should be.

 

Well, full disclosure....I tried calling the distress line here in the GTA (Toronto) and couldn't ****ing get through...AGAIN. Must be something in the air around here. So, instead of waiting anymore....I hung up and went directly to the railtrack. I rested my head on the track. I lied there for about 10 minutes and cried. Your right, I can't do this to my kids. But I feel like I'm in a litteral hell. I JUST WANT TO ****ING TALK TO SOME ONE. OMG! Please someone else kill me off. Jesus.

[Popsicle]

Well, full disclosure....I tried calling the distress line here in the GTA (Toronto) and couldn't ****ing get through...AGAIN. Must be something in the air around here. So, instead of waiting anymore....I hung up and went directly to the railtrack. I rested my head on the track. I lied there for about 10 minutes and cried. Your right, I can't do this to my kids. But I feel like I'm in a litteral hell. I JUST WANT TO ****ING TALK TO SOME ONE. OMG! Please someone else kill me off. Jesus.

 

Maybe they only have one line and one or two workers. Dial again when you feel like it, you'll get through. Keep thinking about your kids too.

[Hope Shimmers]

Well, full disclosure....I tried calling the distress line here in the GTA (Toronto) and couldn't ****ing get through...AGAIN. Must be something in the air around here. So, instead of waiting anymore....I hung up and went directly to the railtrack. I rested my head on the track. I lied there for about 10 minutes and cried. Your right, I can't do this to my kids. But I feel like I'm in a litteral hell. I JUST WANT TO ****ING TALK TO SOME ONE. OMG! Please someone else kill me off. Jesus.

 

You aren't a coward. A coward would have gone through with what you have been thinking. Instead you are thinking about your kids above yourself. That is courage.

 

Would they recover? No, they would never recover. They may end up being okay, but you are talking about depriving them of having a dad as they grow up. That is something that is invaluable. Something that would change them forever.

 

Day to day. If you can't get thru to the crisis line and you need to talk - talk to us.

[spiderowl]

I'm really sorry to hear how you are feeling. You are going through a very painful time but that doesn't mean it won't improve. Crises hurt but they do ease gradually, even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

 

I understand there is a Canada-wide helpline on this number: 1-800-448-3000

 

I hope someone answers soon. I am sure they just get a lot of callers and you will get through if you persist.

 

You are blaming yourself a lot. Even if there are reasons why you might have been at fault, blaming yourself now and beating yourself up is not making you feel any better. The past is past. What you can do now is to seek to learn what triggered your behaviour in the past so that you can improve it. You can at least then have a good relationship with your children.

 

It is very uncomfortable not to be in control; it leads to anxiety, panic and distress. We cannot control some situations, only drift through them until things settle down, pain eases and you ultimately find a more positive way forward. Maybe you need to accept that you just need to sit back, rest, and let this situation work its way out until you can see the positive strands starting to filter through?

 

Do you feel your psychologist is helping you?

[Babs22]

Radarsat,

How are you today? I just read your thread today and I am hoping that you are doing a little better today. Were you able to reach someone on the HELP line? If you are ever feeling that down again, you should go to the ER immediately. All this is your mental illness. You have a chemical imbalance that is making you feel this low. Yes, events in your life don't help, but if you were not already dealing with mental illness, you could get through all that.

 

Yes your children need you. Yes if anything happened to you, it would effect them for the rest of their lives. Your kids love you. You are their dad and they will always love you. Please go get help. Go to a hospital of necessary, because this is an emergency.

 

My son has been dealing with mental illness since just before his 16th birthday; major depression and they diagnosed him bipolar. Due to this, he experienced suicidal thoughts and had periods of agitation and rage. Now, 17 months, two hospitalization and two psychiatrists later he is doing better. The first psychologist didn't do a good job and didn't try different medications. I actually think his medication caused his agitation and rage. He is now on different antidepressant and a mood stabilizer. He is doing so much better. Please see a doctor, work with a psychiatrist. Your medication is not right yet. It took us a long time to figure out the dosage and type of medication my son needed. He has not shown rage, punching windows or picture frames, making verbal threats, etc in a while.

 

Please get help. Your kids are worth it and so are you. Please update us about how you are doing.

[Radarsat]

Radarsat,

How are you today? I just read your thread today and I am hoping that you are doing a little better today. Were you able to reach someone on the HELP line? If you are ever feeling that down again, you should go to the ER immediately. All this is your mental illness. You have a chemical imbalance that is making you feel this low. Yes, events in your life don't help, but if you were not already dealing with mental illness, you could get through all that.

 

Yes your children need you. Yes if anything happened to you, it would effect them for the rest of their lives. Your kids love you. You are their dad and they will always love you. Please go get help. Go to a hospital of necessary, because this is an emergency.

 

My son has been dealing with mental illness since just before his 16th birthday; major depression and they diagnosed him bipolar. Due to this, he experienced suicidal thoughts and had periods of agitation and rage. Now, 17 months, two hospitalization and two psychiatrists later he is doing better. The first psychologist didn't do a good job and didn't try different medications. I actually think his medication caused his agitation and rage. He is now on different antidepressant and a mood stabilizer. He is doing so much better. Please see a doctor, work with a psychiatrist. Your medication is not right yet. It took us a long time to figure out the dosage and type of medication my son needed. He has not shown rage, punching windows or picture frames, making verbal threats, etc in a while.

 

Please get help. Your kids are worth it and so are you. Please update us about how you are doing.

 

Hi all. Last night was not good. I'm living fairly close to a railway and I ended up a metre away from jumping in front of a freight train. A friend magically called me just as I was gettting closer to doing it. Fact is, I'm sure I wouldn't have. It's the unknown for me with what it would have done to my kids. If they weren't here, I'd be dead for sure. And that in itself is a major problem too...today I see that. I had a much better day today because I kept myself busy. Tomorrow I pick them (kids) up around lunch and I have them overnight again, so tomorrow should also be good.

 

Tonight was nice too....friend through a voluteer group had me over for dinner. He's been going through similar issues. He just got a "legal"separation completed 3 weeks ago. He's very stable and definitely a few steps ahead of me. He helped me a lot. Made me realize that yes, I've made mistakes, but perhaps I'm not a bad person.

 

I feel guilty even saying that given what I've done. But I suppose I'm supposed to move forward so that I can be a better father.

 

Thanks for the support everyone. Please forgive me for being such a little wuss.

[Babs22]

Hi all. Last night was not good. I'm living fairly close to a railway and I ended up a metre away from jumping in front of a freight train. A friend magically called me just as I was gettting closer to doing it. Fact is, I'm sure I wouldn't have. It's the unknown for me with what it would have done to my kids. If they weren't here, I'd be dead for sure. And that in itself is a major problem too...today I see that. I had a much better day today because I kept myself busy. Tomorrow I pick them (kids) up around lunch and I have them overnight again, so tomorrow should also be good.

 

Tonight was nice too....friend through a voluteer group had me over for dinner. He's been going through similar issues. He just got a "legal"separation completed 3 weeks ago. He's very stable and definitely a few steps ahead of me. He helped me a lot. Made me realize that yes, I've made mistakes, but perhaps I'm not a bad person.

 

I feel guilty even saying that given what I've done. But I suppose I'm supposed to move forward so that I can be a better father.

 

Thanks for the support everyone. Please forgive me for being such a little wuss.

 

Radarsat, I am so glad to hear from you and that you are feeling better today. You were not being a wuss, you were in pain and needed support. There is no shame in that. Never be afraid to post here, especially when you are feeling low.

 

I have read some of your backstory on your other thread and now understand a little better some of the difficulties you are having. I am glad you are reaching out on here as well as to friends who live near you. I truly believe that things can and will get better. You have a lot that you are trying to deal with in counseling and I am so glad that you are getting that counseling. It also sounds like you finally understand how important your medication is and I hope that you will continue to take it on a regular basis since it does seem to help. It sounds like your wife is willing to go to counseling with you too.

 

You asked on your other thread, why the separation is necessary. I think the separation helped give you a wake up call. Anything less would not have gotten you to think about change the way you are. Your wife will know that you are better by how things go in counseling, but also because she will see the change in you when you pick up the kids and spend time with the kids. Give yourself this time to work on you. Do not think of this separation as a negative, but think of it as hitting the reset button. Focus on you and being the best you that you can be. Go to counseling, take your medicine, be there for your kids when it is your turn to have them, take time to exercise to improve your physical health.

 

Your wife sounds like a smart lady. She has not closed the door to you, but has opened a door for you to change and make things better. I really hope you do get to go on the cruise together that you wrote about in your other thread. Until then, keep yourself focused on taking this opportunity to focus on your mental, emotional and physical health. It won't happen overnight and things may not always be easy, but things can and will get better. Most importantly, you being there for your kids is the best thing you can do for your wife and for them. Keep posting, we are here for you.

Edited September 7, 2015 by Babs22
typos

[15Love]

Hope today was a good one for you. Please drop us another line letting us know how you're feeling. We all care very much about you!

[Radarsat]

Hope today was a good one for you. Please drop us another line letting us know how you're feeling. We all care very much about you!

 

 

Hi all. Much better still. But now I don't have the kids. So, it tends to be a bit down hill when I'm alone. Took my son and daughter to school this morning, which was nice. But my wife wants them back today (was going to have another night with me). She misses them terribly. She even said," how are we going to do this 50/50 with splitting time for kids? It's just so hard missing them". I told her I wasn't thinking that ahead! Because I'm hoping its temporary. She already seems to have her mind made up. And she kind of said that to me by clarifying her position with me (even though she thought she was already clear with me)...The fact is: she doesn't want to marriage counsel with me right now and doesn't know if she will ever. She acknowledges she said she would the first weekend I was gone (everything was fresh) when she was in the heat of the moment and highly emotional. But after her reflecting and going to two individual counseling sessions, she feels she needs to get her head straight, emotions back on track, and MAYBE she will want to counsel together. But for now, she doesn't have much hope that we will get back together and doesn't think she wants to go there. But she wants to see if counseling will change her mind. It stings. But I've pushed her for too long. I get where she is coming from. I just think of our kids! I know she does too, but I guess she just is having a major issue with getting over the betrayal. For those not understanding what the betrayal was, I had signed up on a popular adult connection site - never had an affair, but used it to fantasize and see pictures of "real women" - porn wasn't enough - we had zero intimacy in 2014 and have had sex 3-4 times this year - virtually non-existent. I'm not making excuses (I have issues and I've been disgusting) but I'm trying to paint the full picture of why I did it. So I used porn and this site to meet my sexual needs. I never went outside our home, however, it was still not respectful of my wife, terribly wrong and I deeply regret it. So this betrayal is what she is saying she may not ever be able get over. As she has told me, it would be a "deal breaker" on its own for some people. Meaning, if our marriage was all happiness and roses, this alone may be a reason to end it. I realize how bad it was, but I assumed we could work through this. At the same time, the marriage wasn't perfect, so it's irrelevant to talk about a scenario that didn't exist. Fact is, I also pushed her right to the edge of the cliff (emotional abuse, arguing, yelling, swearing under my breath, arguing about whether kids can hear me fight and/or swear - just ridiculous behavior) and then on top of it all, I betrayed her with the latest stupid online ****. So, she has made it now super clear that she needs a month (maybe more) to decide how she wants to proceed. In the meantime, I'm trying to get better and not stress about the unknown (although, I'm pretty sure she's done - I hope I'm wrong, but probably not).

 

 

I hope we can go on the vacation together too. She has told me she will get back to me on whether I should cancel the vacation, but not to do it yet. At same time, she said another girl going is looking for a ticket for her boyfriend, "so maybe that might work". I get mixed messages. She also said something to the effect of, "your not even back in our house YET,....". The word yet may have been just a slip of the tounge, but clearly I'm reading into it...

 

 

I want her back. But I need to stay focused on leaving her alone. I'm more convinced it's done (our marriage), and that is my go to "negative attitude" so I'm not surprised with bad news later. Should I be more positive thinking we WILL get back together?

 

 

Thanks all.