Want to end it but kids....

[Babs22]

Radarsat,

Hi! You sound like you are in a much more positive frame of mind. I am glad you were able to spend time with your kids. I am sure that lifts your spirits. You are asking about whether your wife will give you and your M another chance. I would guess right now, that it is too early to tell. At least it sounds like you have had conversations and that is positive. I do think that a lot of what may happen in the future depends on you and the changes she sees in you. One month is not enough time to really see the change and know that it will stick. She is doing IC, which means she is trying to figure things out. She hasn't just sent you out the door and gone on with her life. She is actively trying to figure things out. I know you say you are also going to counseling, which is exactly what you should be doing too.

 

You have mentioned the fact that you have gained some weight. Perhaps doing some moderate exercise will help you feel better mentally as well as help you feel and look better physically. It can't hurt to look the best you can look if you are trying to woo your wife into giving you another chance. The biggest change obviously must be in how you interact with her and your kids. You mentioned that you treated her badly, hopefully counseling is helping you to get your anger under control. Getting yourself healthy both mentally and physically is what you can do to show her that you care and are working hard to make things better. Use the time when she has the kids to focus on those things. No one can see the future, but you can actively do things to strive for the new future you want. If she cannot forgive you and give you another chance, you still will be a better man and father because of the work you put into yourself. Keep coming back and posting to let us know how you are doing.

[Radarsat]

Radarsat,

Hi! You sound like you are in a much more positive frame of mind. I am glad you were able to spend time with your kids. I am sure that lifts your spirits.

 

 

Definitely! I really am enjoying being around them. And I seem to be less impatient with them than I usually was. Perhaps my cipralex is really kicking in (Started taking it regulary and haven't missed a dose since Aug.26th). Believe it or not, it's only been 3 weeks this coming Friday since I confessed to my wife, but my kids are already (especially my young son) are saying things like, "I love you so much Daddy". And not in a sad way because I'm not home. They seem to be quite happy and like sleeping over with Dad. They know I want to be in the house with mom, but the older one seems to get that mum and dad need a "time out" right now.

 

 

You are asking about whether your wife will give you and your M another chance. I would guess right now, that it is too early to tell. At least it sounds like you have had conversations and that is positive. I do think that a lot of what may happen in the future depends on you and the changes she sees in you. One month is not enough time to really see the change and know that it will stick. She is doing IC, which means she is trying to figure things out. She hasn't just sent you out the door and gone on with her life. She is actively trying to figure things out. I know you say you are also going to counseling, which is exactly what you should be doing too.

 

 

Your bang on about her and her state and what she is trying to do. I need to LEAVE it alone for now. I get it now. It's hard, but I gotta do it. And yes, I'm never going to stop the counseling. I've got a long road. Going to see my psychologist again this Friday.

 

You have mentioned the fact that you have gained some weight. Perhaps doing some moderate exercise will help you feel better mentally as well as help you feel and look better physically. It can't hurt to look the best you can look if you are trying to woo your wife into giving you another chance. The biggest change obviously must be in how you interact with her and your kids. You mentioned that you treated her badly, hopefully counseling is helping you to get your anger under control. Getting yourself healthy both mentally and physically is what you can do to show her that you care and are working hard to make things better. Use the time when she has the kids to focus on those things. No one can see the future, but you can actively do things to strive for the new future you want. If she cannot forgive you and give you another chance, you still will be a better man and father because of the work you put into yourself. Keep coming back and posting to let us know how you are doing.

 

 

In terms of my weight, I've actually lost a lot of weight. Not necessarily a good way. I haven't been eating very well. But I had lost about 30 lbs before all this went down. I had been about 280 lbs at my peak and I'm down to 215 right now, which is lower than my weight when we got married. I've gotta keep it up and start really exercising, because I know when my appetite kicks back in, the weight will just come back fast. I am doing pushups first thing in the morning just to get the body flowing. And I've been doing a lot of walking. Some improvements I guess.

 

 

Thanks for everyone's support. I'll stay on here and post regularly. Hopefully one day I'll be able to help others on here. I feel a bit like I'm monopolizing the forum without helping others, but I'm sure you all at one time could maybe relate. Cheers everyone.

[15Love]

Don't worry about monopolizing, you're not. This thread is about you. Just glad you realize even strangers care about you, not to mention your family. I'm so glad your perspective is shifting.

 

Keep updating us oh how you're doing, passing thoughts and concerns or other epiphanies.

 

You're a good dad! Focus on that

[Radarsat]

Some positive news to report, at least I think so....my wife called me early evening yesterday because she was struggling with our young son (he's almost 4) who was tired/cranky and being quite the nuisance with his older sister. He's having trouble keeping his hands to himself. Anyway, so yeah, she calls me for me to intervene and talk to him. She had it on speaker phone so she could hear the whole talk I had with him. Totally kept my cool but was stern with him. Told him I love him but that he MUST listen to Daddy & Mummy. She seemed quite appreciative as she thanked me for helping her out, and seemed calmer herself vs. the stress I heard in her voice at the beginning of the call.

 

 

Perhaps she's noticed already how much calmer I am with the kids? Or perhaps she was using the opportunity to see how I would react? Maybe both. I don't know. But I'll take that good feeling any day. I hope I'm not reading into it too much, which I likely am. But yesterday was good! I pick them up after school for play date with Daddy. And I have them overnight Saturday. Wish me luck!

[Popsicle]

Some positive news to report, at least I think so....my wife called me early evening yesterday because she was struggling with our young son (he's almost 4) who was tired/cranky and being quite the nuisance with his older sister. He's having trouble keeping his hands to himself. Anyway, so yeah, she calls me for me to intervene and talk to him. She had it on speaker phone so she could hear the whole talk I had with him. Totally kept my cool but was stern with him. Told him I love him but that he MUST listen to Daddy & Mummy. She seemed quite appreciative as she thanked me for helping her out, and seemed calmer herself vs. the stress I heard in her voice at the beginning of the call.

 

 

Perhaps she's noticed already how much calmer I am with the kids? Or perhaps she was using the opportunity to see how I would react? Maybe both. I don't know. But I'll take that good feeling any day. I hope I'm not reading into it too much, which I likely am. But yesterday was good! I pick them up after school for play date with Daddy. And I have them overnight Saturday. Wish me luck!

 

That is great! I don't think you're reading into it.

[15Love]

I don't think you're reading into it either. Women are always watching and evaluating. Make the changes because they're better ways to be, not to win her back. it'll be genuine and she will respond to that. Keep up the good changes.

[Radarsat]

I don't think you're reading into it either. Women are always watching and evaluating. Make the changes because they're better ways to be, not to win her back. it'll be genuine and she will respond to that. Keep up the good changes.

 

 

This is a really good point that I need to remind myself of daily, if not hourly (lol). I realize fully now (again, need to remind myself) that I'm making these changes to be a better man and a better father as my number one priority! If she is able to get to a point where she wants to work on "us", then great. But first and foremost, it's getting myself back for the kids and myself of course. I'm sure I'll still have some bad days, but man o man, I think the cipralex is really starting to shine for me. Not to put all the blame on my lack of taking it. But I think it's a big part of it. Amazing how I feel last 2 days all things considered.

[Blanco]

The father of my ex's children killed himself two years ago. He was bipolar and suffered from depression. I didn't know him well, but he was supposedly a good, intelligent guy who just didn't have it in him to control his demons. It turns out that he had once attempted suicide in his early 20s before my ex knew him. He was just getting himself together when they met. They dated, she got pregnant, and things were good for a couple years. He set off on a self-destructive about a year before I met her. By time I did, they were still living together, now with two children, but she had just ended it with him due to his abuse of over-the-counter drugs.

 

He didn't handle my dating her well, and a few months after he found out, he disappeared after leaving a suicide note and stealing guns from a friend of his. They found him and he spent time in a psych ward, but he never got it back together. I think he was also either weening himself off his prescription drugs (because he had started to abuse them).

 

The next summer, my ex asked if I wanted to live with her and the kids. I figured it was time to see what that was like if the relationship was to ever progress, so I agreed despite being worried about the guy. We got an apartment and he visited the kids a few weeks later. That was the last time we saw him. A couple weeks later, she came home, sat down with a blank face, and told me he had killed himself.

 

We had already been through a lot, but that was something we just never really overcame. She admits that a huge part of her died that day, which isn't good news for someone who already acknowledges that she can be emotionally unavailable. I think she's finally in a place now where enough time has passed where it can not be so devastating, but that is obviously something she will always carry around with her.

 

As for the kids, they were 4 and 2 when it happened. The 4-year-old adored her father. A lot of that time is a blur, but I'll never forget periodically walking by her room at night and hearing her crying about her "dead daddy."

 

They obviously still don't know HOW he died. That will come with time, and I don't envy my ex when she has to finally reveal that bombshell to them.

 

All I can say is that while I don't necessarily think suicide is SELFISH, one should do everything they can to avoid such a drastic action if they have children.

[Babs22]

This is a really good point that I need to remind myself of daily, if not hourly (lol). I realize fully now (again, need to remind myself) that I'm making these changes to be a better man and a better father as my number one priority! If she is able to get to a point where she wants to work on "us", then great. But first and foremost, it's getting myself back for the kids and myself of course. I'm sure I'll still have some bad days, but man o man, I think the cipralex is really starting to shine for me. Not to put all the blame on my lack of taking it. But I think it's a big part of it. Amazing how I feel last 2 days all things considered.

 

Radarsat, So glad you are feeling better. It does sound like your medicine is working and that taking it consistently is the key to success.

 

My son is also doing so much better! He is almost like a different person, or at least more like the person he used to be before mental illness showed up. In warms my heart to see him doing so well. It's like he got his life back!

 

Yes, yes, yes, to the bolded statement above. I am so glad to hear that you are working on being a great dad to your kids and that you are showing them patience. Having happy kids is truly a gift. I feel like I can handle almost anything as long as my kids are happy and healthy.

 

Glad to hear you are exercising, it helps so much with improving ones outlook. Keep up the good work.

[15Love]

So glad to hear how you're doing! I'm so happy right now!

 

Continue the med's like your life depends on it (it does) and keep talking here. Every time you make your kids happy or your wife or even a stranger, in life or in this forum, think about what a shame it would have been if you hadn't been around to do that.

 

Always remember what it felt like on the other side of that dark tunnel you just came through. So if it comes again, you will know for a fact, there is good stuff on the other side.

 

((Hugs))

[Radarsat]

So glad to hear how you're doing! I'm so happy right now!

 

Continue the med's like your life depends on it (it does) and keep talking here. Every time you make your kids happy or your wife or even a stranger, in life or in this forum, think about what a shame it would have been if you hadn't been around to do that.

 

Always remember what it felt like on the other side of that dark tunnel you just came through. So if it comes again, you will know for a fact, there is good stuff on the other side.

 

((Hugs))

 

 

Thanks 15Love! I appreciate it. Everyone, I appreciate it.

 

 

Having a bit of a rough day. Not sure why. Just one of those days. Well, actually, I think I know why. Something I didn't share with you guys yet. It just happened Thursday/Friday....and again today.

 

 

Someone is calling me at work! First time Thursday. Conversation:

 

 

Me: Hello, this is ______,.

Male: I'm seeing your wife.

Me: Who is this?

Male: Ha! (and hangs up).

 

 

I was devastated. Scheduled to pick up our kids for a play date that night and I confronted my wife about it. She said she knows nothing of it, denies seeing anyone (and I believe her). She's totally disturbed by it and told me she would check in with her friends but doesn't believe anyone she has told about our situation would do that. I was more relieved looking into her eyes that she wasn't seeing anyone. Not that it's my business anymore I guess. I deserve it. But she said it would still be cheating, especially since she hasn't decided what she wants for our future. "We're still married" she said. And "dating anyone is the LAST thing on my mind right now".

 

 

Then Friday...again:

Me: Hello, this is ______.

Male: Thanks for watching the kids. We had a great time! (Immediate hang up)

 

 

And today:

First thing in the morning. But I never picked up. Never left a message!

 

All calls were from private/unknown numbers.

 

 

I told my psychologist about it on Friday before picking my kids up on Friday for overnight. She said I needed to tell my wife again about what happened and ask her to reach out to everyone that knows the situation and ask them to stop this harassment. She also told me to tell my friends I've told. I told my wife about the one on Friday and she said, "WTF?!! Who is doing this?" She said that she already told me nothing was going on with her or someone else. I told her that maybe it's not someone she's having a relationship with, but rather a person that has an eye on her or someone she has had an emotional connection with. I told her I thought it might be someone at her work, couldn't remember the name of the person, but she told me via txt, "Was it ____? because if it is, no way. No emotional connection...". I said, yup, that's the name. I felt jealous a couple of times you talking about him in the past. Seemed like her and him had a little friendly connection going on. But she says absolutely not.

 

 

So, I'm not sure. My boss knows about it now and are looking into blocking any private numbers coming to my workstation.

 

 

So I'm a little said/worried for her that someone is watching us or just her. Very creepy and really disturbing.

 

 

Surprisingly though, I'm not furious. I'm more worried for her and my kids. My anger like it used to be seems to be suppressed. I guess maybe the cipralex? Don't know. I just want her to be happy, and if she found someone...then yeah, I'll be upset, but not angry. I deserve it after all.

[Eighty_nine]

Surprisingly though, I'm not furious. I'm more worried for her and my kids. My anger like it used to be seems to be suppressed.

 

This is big. Your reaction has been calm and reasonable re: these calls, so you know you are making progress.

 

I'm a bit late to this thread but I just wanted to share: my friend committed suicide in 2009. She was formerly my roommate, however, I only knew her about a year and a half before she died. And it was devastatingly awful and traumatic; I thought about her daily for more than a whole year after with most of those thoughts accompanied by deep sorrow, a lot of guilt, and just a total lack of acceptance that I could have "let" this happen by not being there for her enough. (as if it was my fault... it wasn't). She hung herself, and once in awhile I see images of this in a horror movie or something and it is VERY triggering... So remember, if you do it, they'll find out how and have that image triggered in their minds forever. And even if you ask your wife in a suicide note to cover it up for you, and she does, they WILL find out what happened. I promise.

 

I'll never forget the look on my friends' brothers face at the funeral. Just grief and guilt and an emptiness I've never seen on any face before.

 

If you died tomorrow in a car accident, your kids hearts' would be totally broken, but as adults, they'd eventually find some peace with it. If you kill yourself they will NEVER recover. It will be an area of pain and turmoil within them for the rest of their lives. I'm really, really glad you're doing better; but if those thoughts creep in again, please remember the experiences of those of us who have been affected by suicide. I am convinced that there is no worse way to lose someone you love.

Edited September 14, 2015 by lissvarna

[15Love]

I'm so sorry that's happening!

 

What a horrible person to do something like that. People are so messed up these days.

 

Glad your work is helping protect you with that.

 

Very impressed with how you're handling things.

 

I don't believe your wife IS seeing anyone else. She sounds sincere.

 

Keep us posted. We're here for you!

[NewLeaf512]

Hi

 

I know you are having a hard time with the calls as anyone would but look where you are... Here with us in the coping session. Well done

[Radarsat]

Sorry I have been missing lately everyone. Having a hard time today. I confirmed last night that my wife has been lying about where she is going. Told me she was going to one place and I get a report from a friend saying they saw her somewhere else in complete opposite direction...and then at a bar. Timing due to location of two places. Yes, maybe her plans changed, but I asked her if she went to the first place and she said yes when I knew she hadn't. So bottom line is she has been lying to me. Top that up with the phone calls and I think we're done. I'm so mad. But I keep trying to tell myself that I guess I brought this on upon myself. I'm so stupid.

[Cupid's Puppet]

Didn't you have an anger problem in the past? Your wife probably felt she had to lie to protect herself from any angry outbursts from you. Do you normally track her movements and whereabouts? That seems possessive. Please tell me you aren't checking the mileage in the car too. Your wife could be cheating. I don't know. But I do know sometimes women lie to their husbands if they think telling them the truth would get them yelled at or cursed out. I grew up with my dad verbally and at one time physically abusing my mother. So she eventually made a habit out of lying. Again, I am not saying this is your situation. She could very well be sleeping with the milk man. But I'm saying there can be alternate explanations as well.

[15Love]

Sorry I have been missing lately everyone. Having a hard time today. I confirmed last night that my wife has been lying about where she is going. Told me she was going to one place and I get a report from a friend saying they saw her somewhere else in complete opposite direction...and then at a bar. Timing due to location of two places. Yes, maybe her plans changed, but I asked her if she went to the first place and she said yes when I knew she hadn't. So bottom line is she has been lying to me. Top that up with the phone calls and I think we're done. I'm so mad. But I keep trying to tell myself that I guess I brought this on upon myself. I'm so stupid.

 

Sigh. That's tough. There are some factors that sound like you need to take a few more steps back. Tell her what you know, (but not how you know) if you think you can do it without getting angry. Let her know if she will be lying, where you may have earned it and therefore won't be getting angry with her about it, she will be eroding your trust and future relationship with you. IF you can say this calmly and with authority (think true alpha male, not someone scrambling for control or power), AND she has any thing left for you in her heart, this will get to her.

 

Beyond that you can't control her. Let her go. Be a great dad and IF you choose, be a better man than she could find anywhere else.

 

Good luck!

 

P.s. Good for you for coming here instead of off the deep end!

[Radarsat]

Sigh. That's tough. There are some factors that sound like you need to take a few more steps back. Tell her what you know, (but not how you know) if you think you can do it without getting angry. Let her know if she will be lying, where you may have earned it and therefore won't be getting angry with her about it, she will be eroding your trust and future relationship with you. IF you can say this calmly and with authority (think true alpha male, not someone scrambling for control or power), AND she has any thing left for you in her heart, this will get to her.

 

Beyond that you can't control her. Let her go. Be a great dad and IF you choose, be a better man than she could find anywhere else.

 

Good luck!

 

P.s. Good for you for coming here instead of off the deep end!

 

 

I'm in a terrible terrible spot right now. Let me update you all. So, I told her how I knew (friend called me and then I tracked her yes - wrong I know). However I told her months ago to spot sharing her location. Told her how to do it. She didn't. When I received a call that someone saw her in the mall, I used it to confirm the lie (she told me she was somewhere else with very specific details). All other times the past few weeks she was very short with me, saying "I'm going out" when I would have the kids. So I thought it was weird for her to give me really detailed info. And I confirmed the lie of course. And then I let her stew. I said, "So how was the event at ______?" She said, "Ummm fine". Me: "So your still at ______?". "Umm, no not anymore. Why?" Me: "Just wondering...here are the kids" and I passed the phone to them to talk to there mother. But I was very cold and my tone was pissed off. And she knew it. LAter that night I called the friend that saw her and had that person go to the pub that I knew she was at to see if she was with a guy. THe person didn't see her in there but confirmed her car was there.

Wife txt'd me later that night asking what was up because "it's pretty clear that your pissed off with me about something". Told her that I didn't want to talk because "I'm too upset about it." It went back and forth she finally said, "Ok I get it. Your going to make me wait"

Next day, I get a email from her confessing her lie. Told me that she was afraid to tell me she went our with her girlfriend, who was in a panic to get a dress for her own upcoming bachelorette party. She said she feels I'm upset that she has friends and I dont' (which is total bull****). She then went to say that in hindsight she thinks she's making things up about me not wanting her to go out and be with friends during this time, because she now remembers that I've encouraged her to go out and appreciate her one close friend helping her out. She then said she deeply regrets lying to me about it and realizes it causes doubt about her intentions. I was pretty angry and didn't reply. Went to pick up kids and we somewhat worked it out in terms of getting the full truth out. I don't believe she was seeing anyone. I do think it was her friend. However, I told her that I now doubt everything she's saying.

Then that night...my landlord txt's me. "ARe the kids over?" (I had them at my apartment on Friday night. Me: "YEah" LAndlord: "So it's 3x a week now?" Me: "Yeah, I talked to you about it" Landlord: "No we didnt'" Me: "CAn we talk? " Landlord: "I'm gogin to have to talk to wife about it"

 

 

I went out to front porch where he was having a smoke (they live in same house) and attempted to speak to him about it. Bottom line and to cut the story short, he now has issues with me being ther period. Dont' think he liked me challenging him. And it'a month to month rental so both parties just have to give eachother 30 days.

 

 

So I went to wife Saturday dropping kids off and said, look I'm not trying to pressure you again, but here is the situation (and she appreciated this), I need my kids 50% of time so I need to know if it's safe to get a year lease. In other words, what are we doing? (I didn't say that of course) So she came out with it......SHE'S DONE. She doesn't want to work at it. She knew 2 weeks ago. But wanted to wait another week or two to fully decide. But there is no glimmer of wanting to try. I became very passive aggressive with her. Told her at first I didn't want her hug me when she wanted one from me. THen I did hug her, she was balling but I whispered in her ear that she would eventually regret her decision one day. Told her that the kids will not be better off. And I told her again, that YES, I made the majority of the mistakes in the marriage, but she was wrong to tell me the first weekend this all blew up that, she said to me "If I can't get over this, then it will be your fault and not me giving up on the marriage. IT will be you!" I had agreed to that that first weekend. I was distraught. So was she. So I told her that was a huge mistake and how DARE she tell me that. Told her that SHE was giving up on the marriage. I said, I understand why. But ultimately your walking away, not me. I take full responsibility. But I want to TRY to work on it. And that's another thing, I told her the past week or two I have thought myself "Maybe we shouldn't be together." But I still want to SEE if we can heal. For the kdis benefits especially. But she has her mind made up. Says to me the past 3 weeks the way I have behaved illustrates to her that I'm not changing.

 

 

I also told her that because the whole month out of the house was for her to figure what she wanted to do, and now she knows that she wants to end it, I told her I'm moving back to the house until we figure out if we're selling it or someone is buying one another out. She is upset at that. I told her SHE is making the decision to end it. So SHE can get an apartment if she can't tolerate being in the same house. I gave her my space. She was worried about me going after kids custody. I told her I had same fear with her whe I was asked to leave....and DID. Told her I will write something up saying I wont' tdo that to her if she needs it. She believes me now.

 

 

We talked last night because she CALLED Me and said she was worried about me coming back to house. I was much more calmer. Conversation was filled with tears from both of us, but it was much more respectful. I apologized for my behavior Saturday and being passive aggressive. But I told her I am moving back and if she stays (which she says she is going to do because she wants to be around kids - LIKE ME!) then I'm just going to have to show her that I can be calm and I CAN change. I have NO hope that she will change her mind. But I AM going back to the house. I gave her the time she needed and she made the decision. I now need to look after my kids and myself. And it's my house. IF she wants to end it, then she needs to find a place until we decide financially what we are doing/splitting things up, etc. I'm not signing a year lease to then realize I can afford to buy HER out. If she wants it and I can't afford it, then yeah, I'll start looking for a place. Anyway, everyone's thoughts?

[Radarsat]

Update: Wife and I had a talk. I'm not moving back now. I'm going to see them once more tonight at our house, which she said I can stay there when I have the kids until I get an apartment. She plans on buying me out of the house. But reality is, I'm going to put them to bed, kiss them goodnight and then I'm going to leave a note with my wife under her bedroom door asking her to not EVER tell the kids what truly happened to me. I know she will not tell them. She won't want to them to go through the pain. I'm then going to go back to the railway tracks and do what I should have done a month ago. Sorry for wasting everyone's time on here. It's what I do best and I'm going to stop hurting people. My wife said to me when I told her I want to kill myself and my concern over whether they'd get over it. She said, "Well, I support you in any decision you make. I'm here to listen....We are strong." (meaning the kids and her). That makes me feel better. She will take care of them I know.

 

 

Bye everyone.

[CarrieT]

Please, please don't.

 

Your kids WILL find out - and it will scar them forever.

 

This is the age of the Internet; nothing is secret anymore and your legacy will be inflicted upon your children for their entire life. They don't deserve this.

 

Please call someone.

[GorillaTheater]

Don't do this to your kids, Radarsat.

 

This woman isn't worth the mud on your shoe, let alone your life.

[GorillaTheater]

My wife said to me when I told her I want to kill myself and my concern over whether they'd get over it. She said, "Well, I support you in any decision you make. I'm here to listen....We are strong." (meaning the kids and her). That makes me feel better.

 

It ought to make you feel like a chump. This woman would be perfectly happy if you killed yourself. Life insurance, sympathy, no messy divorce. What a deal.

 

Don't give [her] the satisfaction. Get your revenge by living your life well.

Edited November 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[15Love]

Radarstat,

 

Please please, consider us here at LS too.

 

 

We can help you over this hurdle.

 

WE CARE SO MUCH.

 

DONT GIVE UP!

[LifeNomad]

If ur willing to do anything for ur kids then live for them and be the best parent u can be...

[Radarsat]

I'm really sorry everyone for dropping off the face of the earth. I'm alive. I didn't do it obviously. I was hospitilized however for a night/day and then released by a team of psychiatrists.

 

Much has happened since then. But I'll take it to a different thread. I just wanted to let you all know I appreicate your support and that I'm doing much better. I have a better apartment now (2 bedroom apartment to myself vs the room in a house I was renting) and I'm actually casually dating someone, which may or may not be a big mistake I know given how fresh my separation has been. I had a eureka moment at beginning of October (after getting new apartment) that I was becoming more happy without her and perhaps this was all for the best. I am now realizing for the time being (things could change I realize with my emotions) that I'm not wanting to get back together with her and nor do I want to end my life. I have the kids 50% of the time and things are getting better. I have my grieving moments, everyday, but each day seems to be getting better.

 

Thanks again everyone and sorry for being so utterly rude.