Question on visitation (sorry, long post)

[mentauk0202]

Thank you in advance for anyone taking the time to offer advice

My husband and I have been separated for almost 2 years. I live in our marital home in Ohio. He moved down to southern Florida to live with his mother. He has come up twice to Ohio on his mother's dime (he makes little money but his mom has plenty) to see our only son who is 8 now and mildly autistic. First time was for my mom's funeral and second time was for a court case in which my ex was summoned to appear and his mother came with him. Anyways, My son and I haven't been down to Florida for any visits partly because of not affording it and partly because of no real invitations. So my ex has seen very little of his son. Also, he never calls to speak to his son, never asks about his son, has called once last year and left a voicemail that said "happy birthday", and has never sent a letter, card, never has asked for a pic, or tried any other communication like Skype or FaceTime which I've suggested. He has given him two belated gifts, one for his birthday and one for last Christmas. But I feel he has been very absent and non-involved since he left. He has been involved with other women and specifically has had a relationship with the same woman for over a year, so I feel he's preoccupied with his girlfriend(s) and therefore not too concerned with his son. Also, I feel the same goes with his mother. Our son's grandma does occasionally sends gifts, which is thoughtful, but has never initiated a call or text asking about her grandson, wanting to speak to her grandson, and has sent no cards or letters, emails, has never asked for a pic, or uses Skype or FaceTime, etc. to reach out despite my suggestion to do so. She's an IT professional, so she certainly knows how to use these.

 

My ex and his mother occasionally complain because I do not feel comfortable letting my son visit down there by himself without custody papers. Frankly, I find my ex dishonest, untrustworthy, manipulative, labile, and simply am nervous he will keep our son down there which would force me to go to court to fight to get him back....something that would take a lot of time and money neither of which I have. We have not filed divorce yet, so he has just as much right to keep him indefinitely as I do. I have been asking my ex repeatedly to file divorce for the last year to have legal custody arrangements and a legal guarantee of getting my son back (I feel he should file since he ended the marriage) and he hasn't bothered. He also hasn't helped financially with our son at all for a year and a half so it seems he's not filing to avoid child support for as long as he can.

 

I have waited for months for him to file and since he hasn't, I have paid to finally start the process myself but haven't filed with my county yet. I'm trying to get a dissolution in lieu of a divorce because it's so much cheaper, but my ex isn't cooperating. If he continues to fight, we will have to do a divorce which will take even longer. In the meantime, he and his mother continue to blame me completely for not seeing their son/grand son, (on the occasion we talk, which is always initiated by me) and say what a horrible person I am, I am purposely breaking their bond with him, I'm using our son as a pawn because I'm angry over my ex having girlfriends, I'm controlling and just trying to hurt them and maintain control and power over everyone, that I'm evil and selfish for not letting our son visit, I'm damaging our son just because I want to hurt them, etc.

 

I have told them multiple times our son can come down to Florida as soon as we have legal custody documents and that I am just scared my ex will wake up one day, get mad at me for whatever reason, and try to f*ck me, which has happened before. They don't seem to appreciate this at all or understand. They just continue to demonize me and paint me as a villain at every opportunity even when I'm trying to be civil and cooperative.

 

My question is, is there any way to let my son visit before the custody papers are finalized, to ensure the security he will be returned? My ex assures me he wouldn't keep our son but I just don't trust him with anything. Would a notorized contract stand up in court if my ex did refuse to return him? Or should I just ignore them and wait on the divorce/custody papers? It's hard to ignore what they say because these people mattered a lot to me for many years and it really does bother me. I would let my son go a thousand miles away and visit his dad and grandma no problem if I was sure I would get him back. Are there any other options out there to use because it may take several more months before the divorce is processed and custody papers are in hand.

 

Along with this, I feel very disappointed in them and hurt for my son because they have rarely reached out to Ben (our child) in the 22 months his dad has been gone minus the one happy birthday phone call, occasional gifts from grandma, and the two visits to Ohio by his dad. The second visit was very brief by their choice and they only spent a few hours with Ben. To me, material gifts do not make up for lack of communication or presence with him. They could call, text, email, Skype, write, and can afford to fly up anytime and they don't. They never seem concerned or interested in Ben, his life, or his well being except when I text them and he comes up. Then they just go on a rant about how it's all my fault they don't see him and how horrible I am. They never ask how he is, how he's doing, how's school, etc. If they really cared I feel they would be way more pro active and actually reach out to him, ask about him, or talk to him at least.

 

I feel it's just too risky to send my son all the way down there without a legal safety net and just want to protect myself. It's sad and upsetting, but I feel I am being burned at the stake because of circumstances. Am I wrong here or being unreasonable? Any advice or opinions would be appreciated. Thanks!

[glitterandmud]

i sure wouldn't send him there.

 

E-mail him and tell him he is welcome to come visit his son (then you also have it in writing that you offered) but I would not feel safe sending him there.

 

He chose to move, he can travel to see his kid.

[DivorcedDad123]

No, do not let your son visit without court ordered visitation schedule. You could be fighting a custody battle in Florida, because your stbx can legally keep your son there once he has physical custody. A caring parent wouldn't move so far from their children.

You need to get the ball rolling regarding custody and child support. Get this behind you and get on with your life.