Committed

[Raleigh]

I haven't told a soul of how I've been feeling the past couple of months and I feel like I'm going to go insane. I haven't cheated physically, but there is a gray line if I have emotionally which is even more terrifying to me.

 

Some background: I married my high school sweetheart a couple of years ago and I am thoroughly committed to our relationship. I promised to never leave him and always to take care of him. I'm happy with him, but somehow dissatisfied too. His attitude about his life is always negative and it's hard for him to see how good he actually has it. He has told me he is resentful of my success with how "easy" it was for me in college and with getting a great job so soon after graduation while it took him several extra years to graduate and now he still works retail. I try so hard to be supportive and encouraging, but he gets in such bad funks he doesn't want to hear anything positive. It got so bad that I started getting depressed and having a "quarter life crisis" about how my life was going to be. We had a good talk, I got a new hobby, and while things haven't been as good as I'd hoped, it's not as bad as it was.

 

Fast forward and my new hobby of dancing is the best thing about my life. I've grown confidence, made new friends, and I now have something to constantly look forward to. Unfortunately, I've become intensely attracted to one of my new friends and he has proven to be one of those rare true friends who will always help someone in need. He is also single, a great dancer, funny, and makes me feel special. I respect that he is a hard worker and cares about his friends. Nothing more than a little dirty joking has ever transpired between us, but I am so careful of what I say or do so it doesn't come off as inappropriate.

 

My struggle is that I feel completely obsessed and just want to get this guy out of my head. Every time my husband holds my hand or kisses me, I want it to be my friend. I feel as though I'm just going through the motions and my friend's face is the one I'm always thinking about. When my phone pings that I've got a message, I'm always hoping that it's my friend and am disappointed if it's not. I'm jealous when my friend hangs out with other women in a way I've never been jealous about my husband. This isn't fair to my husband and I feel so guilty for thinking this way. For the record, my friend has specifically gone out of his way not to "hit" on me because he respects my relationship.

 

These thoughts are constantly infiltrating my head that I want to have an affair with my friend, but it could also be that because I'm unsatisfied in my relationship with my husband so I'm projecting? I don't want to leave my husband. I promised him. But I'm so unfulfilled I'm desperate.

 

How do I reconnect with my husband who has no idea of how I'm feeling and how do I get my friend out of my head? My husband and I have occasionally tossed around the idea of swinging, but because it would be so much easier for me to obtain a partner, he doesn't want to do it. Not only that, but I feel emotionally unstable about it with the way things are between my husband and myself.

 

I just don't know what to do, but I'm so tired of not being able to tell anyone. I dont want to open pandoras box without being able to close it again. Any thoughts or ideas? At this point, I'd even welcome a bit of "stop being such a wimp" advice.

[Raleigh]

I just don't know how to approach my husband about it. The guy friend isn't my instructor, just one of many people who I go dancing with. We aren't ever alone together or anything and we have never discussed being together. Hope that clarifies some things. Also, are you suggesting that I just drop this friend altogether? That seems a bit cruel considering he hasn't done anything wrong.

[m.snow]

in my opinion its not cheating if you tell spouse about it before you do it.

maybe your just not monogamous. not all people have monogamous view

younger people these days have deviant view of relationships and marriage.

 

if you really don't want the fallout of opening pandoras box

-best advice go to counseling, specially the religious ones.

-another advice remove yourself from social media.

lock down face book and change your phone number.

 

-get a hobby! them idle hands are the devils playground. meaning get busy with something. what ever energy there is to have an affair burn it!. what energy left is given to your husband and family. you can really go out and look for other people if your to tired to do it.

 

Also, are you suggesting that I just drop this friend altogether? That seems a bit cruel considering he hasn't done anything wrong.

you have no obligation not to be cruel to this friend. but you have an obligation to NOT be cruel to your husband.?

 

you said dancing? so its you got out to club? or is this a dance class thing?

Edited September 5, 2015 by m.snow

[Morro72]

Your husband and your marriage are in trouble, you figured you could use a hobby, and of all the bazillions of possible hobbies, you pick one that will regularly put you into close physical contact with men who are not your husband, while he's off somewhere else? I think the first thing you need to do is to be honest with yourself about what's really going on here.

[jbrent890]

Women's Infidelity | Why Women Cheat And Have Affairs

 

Raleigh read the link that I posted. I think you realize it, but you are beginning the process of checking out of your marriage. This process is being hastened by the introduction of someone new you are attracted to. To be honest Raleigh, all it is going to take for you to cross that line is for your new friend to start stepping up his game. The moment he does this, your done, and I think you know it. I'm not trying to beat you up, but the reason you don't want to drop him as a friend is not because you don't want to be cruel, but because you don't want to give him up. Thoughts of this guy is offering you a nice escape from your marriage. If you want this to be over with, talk to you husband and be honest with him. He can't read your mind, so he can't fix anything if he doesn't know there is a problem. Yes, I would even say tell him that you are attracted to someone else. Will it upset him? Probably, but hopefully it will light a fire in his a$$ to help fix the marriage. I would also recommend you get into individual counseling (IC). The reason this man is taking up so much rent in your head is because you are letting him. IC should be able to help with that. From there, I would strongly suggest you and your husband go to marriage counseling and possibly recommend IC for him as well. Don't take no for an answer. Let him know and explicitly state that your marriage is in trouble, because it is. Again, nothing is going to change unless you be honest with your husband. And yes, until you can maintain proper boundaries, maybe you should drop this guy as a friend. You need to ask yourself whats more important? Your marriage or your new friend.

Edited September 5, 2015 by jbrent890

[HereNorThere]

I just don't know how to approach my husband about it. The guy friend isn't my instructor, just one of many people who I go dancing with. We aren't ever alone together or anything and we have never discussed being together. Hope that clarifies some things. Also, are you suggesting that I just drop this friend altogether? That seems a bit cruel considering he hasn't done anything wrong.

 

Choosing a friendship that could put your marriage in jeopardy is harsh. Dropping a friend is going to be a lot less devasting on both parts compared to the ensuing catastrophe waiting around the corner from you.

 

I know you aren't that naive. Stop rationalizing this emotional affair before you completely wreck your life. Put yourself in your husbands shoes. Imagine how you would feel if he was thinking about another woman this way. Would you feel betrayed? Would you think it is kosher for him to continue to be around her?

 

Right now you're. on a new relationship energy high. Unfortunately, you were supposed to trade that novelty for long lasting, attachment love. Most people would agree that you've already cheated at this point. You would certainly feel betrayed if the shoe was on the other foot.

[DKT3]

Also, are you suggesting that I just drop this friend altogether? That seems a bit cruel considering he hasn't done anything wrong.

 

Right here is how so many people cross the point of no return.

 

You know this man is a treat to your marriage, you know there is an attraction, yet when its suggested that you end the friendship you fall on the "we are just friends" or "we have done nothing wrong" in the mean time you push through one boundary after another until your too deep to control it or yourself.

 

Right now is when you make the decision, either protect you marriage but ending the friendship or put it and your husband at risk of some major damage, damage that most marriages don't recover from. Right here is where you choose your husband and marriage. You have control of this.

[lolablue17]

Your feelings are very natural. Once you're married it doesn't mean you stop being attracted to other men, sexually and romantically.

 

You are not jealous with your H, but you do with your friend. It can be explained very easily - Your H belongs to your. he is for granted (that's what you mistakenly feel). On the other side - your friend is not. You have to make some efforts to have him... So of course you'll be more jealous. If you've seen your H hanging around with other women, believe me, you'd start being jealous about your H too.

 

I don't advice you to share your feelings with your H, because i don't see what's good can come out from telling someone that you desire another man over him. It will only make him feel insecure. Even if you decide to divorce, don't tell him that. (If i'd divorce every time i was attracted to another woman, I'd be devorced a milloin times ;))

 

To be married demands a lot of sacrifices, and you're experiencing the hardest one

[Just a Guy]

Hi Raleigh, From what you have written about your husband being resentful of your success and his own shortcomings, it appears that your marriage is an unequal one with you being in a superior position to your husband. Sadly that is a recipe for disaster and does not bode well for the continued health of your marriage. You have to carry out some serious introspection about yourself, your marriage, your husband and about the long term prospects of success of your marriage given the factors you have mentioned. There is no shame in admitting that both of you may have made a mistake about each other. High School sweethearts do not necessarily go on to make a happy married couple. Your husband it seems suffers from a deep seated inferiority complex because of the fact that he has not done as well as you, academically. Also in terms of a job he seems to be holding an inferior one compared to you. This fact is probably eating him up where it matters most, his self confidence.

It may be time for both of you to take stock of your situation together and then take a call on what would be best in both your interests. You may decide to continue with your marriage or you may not. If you decide to continue with it it would have to be on an entirely new footing which would ensure removal of all those factors that are causing problems now. Just think about it. It may be your last chance to retain your sanity. Cheers!

[oldshirt]

This is going to be a case of 'ye reap what ye sew.'

 

 

If you find another dance studio, cut contact with OM and focus on doing things to reconnect with your H, then you won't have an A and won't further taint your M and you may end up shoring up your M and improving your satisfaction in your married life.

 

 

But if you continue to incrementally get closer to the OM and continue taking steps to connect and do things with him, it will ultimately pave the path to his bed and the demise of your marriage.

 

 

It's as simple as that. Each step you take is one step closer to the destination whether that destination is an affair and further marital disaster, or whether it is an intact marriage and no affair. They are two different directions and each step you take is closer to one destination and farther from the other.

 

 

Joke and flirt with OM is a step or two closer to his bed and the end of your marriage. Start going to another dance studio and delete his contact info is a step or two closer to an intact marriage.

 

 

The thing that needs to sink in here is that you choose through your actions. Your actions dictate which path you go down. Do things with OM you are going down the affair path and you are sewing the seeds and fertilizing the soil for the affair to take root and flourish.

 

 

Cut contact with OM and do things with your H you are sewing the seeds of your marriage.

 

 

The man your heart and loins are going to attach to is the one that you invest your time and energy and attention to.

[TX-SC]

To save your marriage, tell your husband and go to counseling. If you continue down this path, your marriage will die.

[Babs22]

Hi Raleigh, From what you have written about your husband being resentful of your success and his own shortcomings, it appears that your marriage is an unequal one with you being in a superior position to your husband. Sadly that is a recipe for disaster and does not bode well for the continued health of your marriage. You have to carry out some serious introspection about yourself, your marriage, your husband and about the long term prospects of success of your marriage given the factors you have mentioned. There is no shame in admitting that both of you may have made a mistake about each other. High School sweethearts do not necessarily go on to make a happy married couple. Your husband it seems suffers from a deep seated inferiority complex because of the fact that he has not done as well as you, academically. Also in terms of a job he seems to be holding an inferior one compared to you. This fact is probably eating him up where it matters most, his self confidence.

It may be time for both of you to take stock of your situation together and then take a call on what would be best in both your interests. You may decide to continue with your marriage or you may not. If you decide to continue with it it would have to be on an entirely new footing which would ensure removal of all those factors that are causing problems now. Just think about it. It may be your last chance to retain your sanity. Cheers!

 

Raliegh, I agree with Just a Guy, you being attracted to your friend is really a symptom of not being happy in your relationship with your husband. It may be that your husband really wasn't the best fit for you. It would have been a huge mistake for me if I had married my high school sweetheart. We change so much from our teens to adulthood. It would be difficult to live with someone who is so negative. I think you should talk to your husband about getting some marriage counseling (MC). Possibly you need some IC (independent counseling) to talk this through with as well. Yes, you made a promise when you married your H, but if staying with him makes you unhappy or unfulfilled you may spend the rest of your life feeling this way. Are you prepared for that? You are young enough that you can change that. The relationship between you and your husband is really the issue and I suggest you figure that out before you have kids. Don't be afraid to admit that he wasn't the best choice for you. Better to change now then to spend 20, 30 or more years in a relationship with someone who doesn't lift you up and make your life a brighter place. Take it from someone who has spent close to 30 years in the wrong relationship.

 

I agree with the others, the best and possibly the only way to get your friend out of your head is to not be friends with him anymore. Yes, its not his fault, he didn't do anything wrong, but if you stay in contact with him, these thoughts will remain.

[DKT3]

Raliegh, I agree with Just a Guy, you being attracted to your friend is really a symptom of not being happy in your relationship with your husband. It may be that your husband really wasn't the best fit for you. It would have been a huge mistake for me if I had married my high school sweetheart. We change so much from our teens to adulthood. It would be difficult to live with someone who is so negative. I think you should talk to your husband about getting some marriage counseling (MC). Possibly you need some IC (independent counseling) to talk this through with as well. Yes, you made a promise when you married your H, but if staying with him makes you unhappy or unfulfilled you may spend the rest of your life feeling this way. Are you prepared for that? You are young enough that you can change that. The relationship between you and your husband is really the issue and I suggest you figure that out before you have kids. Don't be afraid to admit that he wasn't the best choice for you. Better to change now then to spend 20, 30 or more years in a relationship with someone who doesn't lift you up and make your life a brighter place. Take it from someone who has spent close to 30 years in the wrong relationship.

 

I agree with the others, the best and possibly the only way to get your friend out of your head is to not be friends with him anymore. Yes, its not his fault, he didn't do anything wrong, but if you stay in contact with him, these thoughts will remain.

 

So once again we have someone knee deep in an affair saying that affairs happen because of the marriage? This has been debated hundreds of times here with the sides being almost always WS's on this side. Its blame shifting and minimizing at its best. Funny thing happens when people are no longer involved in affairs and no matter the outcome of their marriage, their opinion seem to change to this (affairs) having to do with them and the poor way they dealt with issues in the marriage both real and made up.

 

Here is the thing 50% of marriages end with divorce yet infidelity is the third or fouth leading cause depending on where you look. So if what your saying is true then as soon as a wife pisses off a husband then it ok to bang some other chick, that is what your saying, right? After all its his wife's fault.

[Raleigh]

Thank you all for the advice. It's unfortunate, but true that I identify with the article from Jbrent890. I know that this friend is not my soul mate or anything, but just a distraction that has made me question how really happy I am and where I want my life to go. I'm going to talk to my husband and tell him how I feel, even how I'm attracted to this friend.

 

Some of ya'll have pointed out that if the shoe were on the other foot and my husband were the one obsessing this way, that I'd feel betrayed and you're right. It's not right of me to keep him in the dark. All of our talks lately have been in an effort to raise my husband's self-worth and not how it's been affecting our relationship. I just don't want to make him feel bad about himself, but if that's what is souring our relationship, then it's what I have to do? I'm really scared that he will get depressed again and knowing the boundaries of how responsible I am for trying to make him better is extremely difficult for me. It's hard being eternally positive if you're the only one putting in the effort to do so. A lot of you have suggested MC, and if a resolution isn't made as a result of this talk, then that will have to be the next plan of action.

 

Funny how just finally talking about it makes me feel less crazy about my friend and more able to focus on what's really going on. I'm not going to stop dancing though. It gives me purpose to go to class and be social with people. Now if only I could get my husband to go.

 

This is my first time on this forum (or any forum ever) and I appreciate the advice and understanding.

[DKT3]

Raliegh, I agree with Just a Guy, you being attracted to your friend is really a symptom of not being happy in your relationship with your husband. It may be that your husband really wasn't the best fit for you. It would have been a huge mistake for me if I had married my high school sweetheart. We change so much from our teens to adulthood. It would be difficult to live with someone who is so negative. I think you should talk to your husband about getting some marriage counseling (MC). Possibly you need some IC (independent counseling) to talk this through with as well. Yes, you made a promise when you married your H, but if staying with him makes you unhappy or unfulfilled you may spend the rest of your life feeling this way. Are you prepared for that? You are young enough that you can change that. The relationship between you and your husband is really the issue and I suggest you figure that out before you have kids. Don't be afraid to admit that he wasn't the best choice for you. Better to change now then to spend 20, 30 or more years in a relationship with someone who doesn't lift you up and make your life a brighter place. Take it from someone who has spent close to 30 years in the wrong relationship.

 

I agree with the others, the best and possibly the only way to get your friend out of your head is to not be friends with him anymore. Yes, its not his fault, he didn't do anything wrong, but if you stay in contact with him, these thoughts will remain.

 

Thank you all for the advice. It's unfortunate, but true that I identify with the article from Jbrent890. I know that this friend is not my soul mate or anything, but just a distraction that has made me question how really happy I am and where I want my life to go. I'm going to talk to my husband and tell him how I feel, even how I'm attracted to this friend.

 

Some of ya'll have pointed out that if the shoe were on the other foot and my husband were the one obsessing this way, that I'd feel betrayed and you're right. It's not right of me to keep him in the dark. All of our talks lately have been in an effort to raise my husband's self-worth and not how it's been affecting our relationship. I just don't want to make him feel bad about himself, but if that's what is souring our relationship, then it's what I have to do? I'm really scared that he will get depressed again and knowing the boundaries of how responsible I am for trying to make him better is extremely difficult for me. It's hard being eternally positive if you're the only one putting in the effort to do so. A lot of you have suggested MC, and if a resolution isn't made as a result of this talk, then that will have to be the next plan of action.

 

Funny how just finally talking about it makes me feel less crazy about my friend and more able to focus on what's really going on. I'm not going to stop dancing though. It gives me purpose to go to class and be social with people. Now if only I could get my husband to go.

 

This is my first time on this forum (or any forum ever) and I appreciate the advice and understanding.

 

If you hold true to what you've said here then your on the right track to pulling yourself out of this mess. Remember two thing, you are not responsable for your husbands happiness, and your husband and marriage isn't responsable for you being involved with this other guy. This involvement is totally independant of the issues in your marriage and speaks to your personal short comings and boundary issues.

 

Did you plan on ending the friendship? If not then really anything else you do (in terms of your marriage) is pointless.

[Marc878]

Smart move.

 

Maybe it'll wake him up and let him know what he's up against.

 

You don't want to join the cheating wife club. It'll be a disaster for you and everyone around you.

 

This is how they all start. If not careful you'll get sucked right into it.

 

Once in there is no getting out.

 

Your smart and I wish you the very best of luck.

[Marc878]

Everyone is right.

 

Ditch the friend now!!!!

 

No good will ever come of that.

[oldshirt]

Raliegh, I agree with Just a Guy, you being attracted to your friend is really a symptom of not being happy in your relationship with your husband. It may be that your husband really wasn't the best fit for you. .

 

Actually that is very often a very dangerous myth of infidelity.

 

Often times the WS is attracted to the AP because the AP is simply attractive to them and what ends up happening is in order to reconcile and justify their attraction, they end up finding fault and demonizing the spouse.

 

In other words the marriage was fine and their compatibility with the spouse was fine before the AP entered the picture and things can be fine again if they get the AP out of the picture.

 

Many tines the WS will conjure up faults in the spouse and faults in the marriage and they will begin to think that things have always been not right and that the spouse was never a good match. That is what "rewriting history" is all about and that is a very common part of the affair dynamics.

 

Blaming the BS and rewriting the history of the marriage is part of the internal justification that WS' s use to justify their affairs.

 

Now I am not saying the OP' s spouse and marriage are not without faults or imperfections. And I am not saying there isn't anything in their marriage that needs to be addresses.

 

But what I am saying is that she is full of the horny hormones for the OM, the faults and cracks she sees in her H and in her M may be greatly exaggerated and not accurate.

 

Countless WS have had their marriages crumble due to their affair and then months or even years down the road when the affair fog clears and the hormones return to baseline, they realize that the ex spouse and the marriage were actually fine but it was them that were screwed up.

[oldshirt]

....this is kind of a side bar but this is why when someone comes on here and says that their spouse has kind of suddenly started treating them coldly or is more irritable or disrespectful towards them, many of us advise to start looking for evidence of an affair or 3rd party.

 

And in the vast majority of those cases once they start making a legitimate investigation, an AP is discovered.

 

It's not that they became short and irritable and disrespectful of the spouse so they went out and got an AP.

 

It's as they become more attracted to and involved with the AP, they become more critical of and disconnected to the BS.

 

It's kind of a chicken and the egg type thing only in many cases the attraction to and involvement with the AP comes before the problems with the BS.

 

That isn't always the case but it very often is.

[TX-SC]

Actually that is very often a very dangerous myth of infidelity.

 

Often times the WS is attracted to the AP because the AP is simply attractive to them and what ends up happening is in order to reconcile and justify their attraction, they end up finding fault and demonizing the spouse.

 

In other words the marriage was fine and their compatibility with the spouse was fine before the AP entered the picture and things can be fine again if they get the AP out of the picture.

 

Many tines the WS will conjure up faults in the spouse and faults in the marriage and they will begin to think that things have always been not right and that the spouse was never a good match. That is what "rewriting history" is all about and that is a very common part of the affair dynamics.

 

Blaming the BS and rewriting the history of the marriage is part of the internal justification that WS' s use to justify their affairs.

 

Now I am not saying the OP' s spouse and marriage are not without faults or imperfections. And I am not saying there isn't anything in their marriage that needs to be addresses.

 

But what I am saying is that she is full of the horny hormones for the OM, the faults and cracks she sees in her H and in her M may be greatly exaggerated and not accurate.

 

Countless WS have had their marriages crumble due to their affair and then months or even years down the road when the affair fog clears and the hormones return to baseline, they realize that the ex spouse and the marriage were actually fine but it was them that were screwed up.

 

Read this, then read it again.

 

Marriages are not fairy tales where the princess bride is swept off her feet by the prince then lives care free for their entire lives (happily ever after?). Marriage is wonderful but there will be ups and downs in any relationship (for better or for worse?). What you feel for the friend now, you once felt for your husband. And, if you screw up your marriage by cheating, what you feel for your husband now (apathy), you will one day feel for your friend, assuming it gets that far. Those things you find endearing may become things that bug the hell out of you years down the line.

 

Talk to your husband. Confess everything, including how you are feeling. Work it out and have a stronger marriage. Or, get a divorce. But, don't cheat.

[SoulStorm]

Your Husband just sounds like he is going through depression. It may be something that is prevalent in his family and something you can't "fix" in him. He may need some doctoring and meds to stabilize him. I'm no doctor, but it definitely sounds like what he is going through is beyond the normal feelings of thinking you are not good enough.

 

You have been trying to carry his weight for him and now you are looking to do some things for yourself. There is nothing wrong with that. There's not even anything wrong with being attracted to someone else. The problem comes when you act on those feelings. You have already started doing that and now you are on a slippery slope. I do believe if you continue dancing there with this particular gentleman, it will only be just a little while before harmless flirting turns into a betrayal. You are already there if you feel that your husband doing the same thing would hurt you.

 

 

I think you should keep dancing, but if you can't keep your friendship with this guy platonic..it would be wise to change studios.

 

In the long run..if you don't take precautions, depression will be a mosquito bite compared to the betrayal you have already started putting on your marriage and husband.

Edited September 5, 2015 by SoulStorm

[Marc878]

Your Husband just sounds like he is going through depression. It may be something that is prevalent in his family and something you can't "fix" in him. He may need some doctoring and meds to stabilize him. I'm no doctor, but it definitely sounds like what he is going through is beyond the normal feelings of thinking you are not good enough.

 

You have been trying to carry his weight for him and now you are looking to do some things for yourself. There is nothing wrong with that. There's not even anything wrong with being attracted to someone else. The problem comes when you act on those feelings. You have already started doing that and now you are on a slippery slope. I do believe if you continue dancing there with this particular gentleman, it will only be just a little while before harmless flirting turns into a betrayal. You are already there if you feel that your husband doing the same thing would hurt you.

 

 

I think you should keep dancing, but if you can't keep your friendship with this guy platonic..it would be wise to change studios.

 

In the long run..if you don't take precautions, depression will be a mosquito bite compared to the betrayal you have already started putting on your marriage and husband.

 

If she continues to be around this guy it's not an if it could happen but a when it'll happen. If you walk on the edge long enough you will fall off.

[Try]

I'm not going to stop dancing though. It gives me purpose to go to class and be social with people.

This is a choice that you are making, knowing full well that it could lead to the end of your marriage. This speaks volumes about where your husband and your marriage rank in your priorities. Should you have an affair, please do not say that it just happened, as choices by you such as this would be involved.

[Try]

It's not that they became short and irritable and disrespectful of the spouse so they went out and got an AP.

 

It's as they become more attracted to and involved with the AP, they become more critical of and disconnected to the BS.

Quoted for truth!!!! This quote should be a sticky.

[ShatteredLady]

You're already having an emotional affair. Let's be honest! Your H is probably already picking-up on this. Read many of the "I suspect my partner is cheating" threads. Deal with this as many have already advised. If you cheat (more than you already are) everything will become about the affair. You will forever be the 'bad guy' to others & most importantly to yourself. Get away from this man!

 

Now....about your H. Mine has always suffered from depression. For the first years we were together everything was perfect...except his depression over work & his level of achievement, respect, future career. I made the choice for us to move from England to the USA for a job opportunity that offered all the things he was looking for. It didn't really work so I supported him while he did classes to further qualify in the IT industry that he liked. There is a lot you can do to push & support him but be aware that depression is often an illness & NOT a result of circumstances.

 

No-one is perfect. No relationship is perfect. You have loved your H for most of your adult life (like me) I wouldn't throw that away until you are completely sure that you've done everything you can to work through your issues. If you throw-in the towel when ever the going gets tough you will always be alone & always chasing a fantasy.