Getting over the addiction part of OM?

[midlifewife]

I posted about an ongoing relationship I had been having with a long-distance OM/MM here. Over the past few months, he's been texting less and less. He's explained by saying how busy he's been with work & family, and more recently because of a close friend diagnosed with cancer. Because of some limited facebook 'stalking' I'm able to do, I know that these things are true. However, I've never really bought into why this means he can't take a few seconds to text just to check in. There have been other warning signs over the months we've been in contact that he was likely communicating with other women besides me. However, because of how great it felt when he was being sweet & playful with me, I consciously let my gut feelings go, and rationalized that I was also cheating and that I certainly couldn't ask for or expect 'exclusivity'. I decided to just enjoy the ride and know that I could decide to leave at any time. Because we met each other on a now infamous cheating website, I decided to do a little digging. I just now saw that he had been spending money on that site as recently as a couple months ago. Not a big shock, but this time, there is no rationalizing away the fact that he has continued to seek out other women (while I deleted my account shortly after I met him). I didn't know if I'd even take the step of meeting someone off that site, but in him I found someone I really liked and was attracted to...and he seemed so 'normal' and relatable. We got to know each other fairly well over the several months we chatted & I got a little too attached. I know so much about his family as he does about mine. Currently, it's been a week since I've heard from him. That, combined with the new evidence of his continued online activity, makes my logical/grown up side tell me to cut off all contact and just be done with him. However, I KNOW that this is going to be hard for me. I'm a complete SUCKER for his sweet talk and his assurances that he really likes me and wants to continue. The feelings I've had with him have been ones I haven't felt in so many years that I know I'm vulnerable to them and him.

 

I'm hoping some OW out there can help coach me through facing the reality of OM not being the guy I've been trying to make him out to be. I thought maybe because I didn't feel the need to seek out other people besides him that he'd have felt the same way. Now that I know that's not the case, I need to be able to see him in the cold light of REALITY and make the healthy decision to let him go and not pine for what could have been, or who I tried to make him be. I really need a dose of reality. SOMETHING needs to 'click' for me to stop idealizing this man as someone who's 'different', and 'sympathetic' and 'genuine' about his feelings towards me. Please slap me and tell me how to move on....!!

Edited September 5, 2015 by midlifewife

[Popsicle]

Complete and total NC. In time, the feelings and memories will fade. Admittedly, I think MW/MM have a harder time with this if they are in an unhappy marriage.

[Hope Shimmers]

Please slap me and tell me how to move on....!!

 

SLAP!!!

 

(Okay, just kidding...)

 

These guys are smooth talkers. They say what they know you want to hear (and you just said in your post how what he said made you feel). Don't believe his words -- look at his ACTIONS.

 

Yes, it is an addiction. 'Cause it sure as hell ain't love! You are addicted to the way that this person makes you FEEL, and it isn't real. There's no way past the addiction other than to just completely stop communication and I promise you, one day you will look back and have your "WTF was I thinking?!?!" moment.

 

One thing that helped me was to make a list of all the "good" things about ex-MM alongside all the "bad" things. Because when you start needing that addiction fix, you are focused on the positive things. When you feel that, go read your list and remember reality.

 

Good luck to you.

[Cymbeline]

I've read a lot about affairs and their psychology and dynamics. It seems to spoil the romantic element quite quickly! Below is an extract from an article unread recently about mid life affairs. There is also a lot of literature about marriage and love, which is interesting. CS Lewis 'The Four Loves' for example. The psychiatrist, Frank Pittman writes amusingly about the destruction wrought by romance. Understanding the impulses which lead to our feelings goes a long way towards mastering them, imo.

 

 

 

"The second kind of mask is a little more complicated, as this aspect involves a projected-type of mask. As the mid-life spouse is facing the aspect or aspects of the “child" during the mid-life affair (that can exist during Replay), they can superimpose a “mask” across the other woman/other man.

 

This is designed to aid in the “mirroring behaviors” that exist during the mid-life affair. This kind of “mask” also enables them to view the affair partner as the mid-life spouse chooses to.

 

This is a necessary part of the behavioral “mirroring aspect” between the mid-life spouse, and the affair partner. They will often “mirror” each other’s behavior for the purpose of avoiding accountability. Because the foundation of an affair is built upon deception in the first place, both people are showing only what they want the other to see.

 

"However, the affair partner is not always an exact “fit,” so the mid-life spouse will make use of this projected type of mask in order to compensate for what is lacking in their affair partner. It is an attempt to “remake” the affair partner into perfection as opposed to accepting any imperfections, as human beings are not perfect in any sense.

 

When the time is right, the “mask” that is projected upon the other woman/other man will eventually slip off, exposing the affair partner fully, due to the various changes within the mid-life spouse’s state of mind, and a readiness to move forward within the crisis itself.

 

Once this “mask” dissolves completely, the affair will move toward a time of final breakdown.

Time is one factor within the dissolution of both kinds of masks, and a willingness to outgrow the self-deception necessary to maintain each kind of “mask” that is worn or projected by the mid-life spouse during this time.

[lftbehind]

I've read a lot about affairs and their psychology and dynamics. It seems to spoil the romantic element quite quickly! Below is an extract from an article unread recently about mid life affairs. There is also a lot of literature about marriage and love, which is interesting. CS Lewis 'The Four Loves' for example. The psychiatrist, Frank Pittman writes amusingly about the destruction wrought by romance. Understanding the impulses which lead to our feelings goes a long way towards mastering them, imo.

 

 

 

"The second kind of mask is a little more complicated, as this aspect involves a projected-type of mask. As the mid-life spouse is facing the aspect or aspects of the “child" during the mid-life affair (that can exist during Replay), they can superimpose a “mask” across the other woman/other man.

 

This is designed to aid in the “mirroring behaviors” that exist during the mid-life affair. This kind of “mask” also enables them to view the affair partner as the mid-life spouse chooses to.

 

This is a necessary part of the behavioral “mirroring aspect” between the mid-life spouse, and the affair partner. They will often “mirror” each other’s behavior for the purpose of avoiding accountability. Because the foundation of an affair is built upon deception in the first place, both people are showing only what they want the other to see.

 

"However, the affair partner is not always an exact “fit,” so the mid-life spouse will make use of this projected type of mask in order to compensate for what is lacking in their affair partner. It is an attempt to “remake” the affair partner into perfection as opposed to accepting any imperfections, as human beings are not perfect in any sense.

 

When the time is right, the “mask” that is projected upon the other woman/other man will eventually slip off, exposing the affair partner fully, due to the various changes within the mid-life spouse’s state of mind, and a readiness to move forward within the crisis itself.

 

Once this “mask” dissolves completely, the affair will move toward a time of final breakdown.

Time is one factor within the dissolution of both kinds of masks, and a willingness to outgrow the self-deception necessary to maintain each kind of “mask” that is worn or projected by the mid-life spouse during this time.

 

That's an interesting article. Wouldn't it apply to other times in ones' life, not in just midlife affairs? I'm getting a strange visual of 2 people with masks on. I don't understand the last sentence.

[lftbehind]

I posted about an ongoing relationship I had been having with a long-distance OM/MM here. Over the past few months, he's been texting less and less. He's explained by saying how busy he's been with work & family, and more recently because of a close friend diagnosed with cancer. Because of some limited facebook 'stalking' I'm able to do, I know that these things are true. However, I've never really bought into why this means he can't take a few seconds to text just to check in. There have been other warning signs over the months we've been in contact that he was likely communicating with other women besides me. However, because of how great it felt when he was being sweet & playful with me, I consciously let my gut feelings go, and rationalized that I was also cheating and that I certainly couldn't ask for or expect 'exclusivity'. I decided to just enjoy the ride and know that I could decide to leave at any time. Because we met each other on a now infamous cheating website, I decided to do a little digging. I just now saw that he had been spending money on that site as recently as a couple months ago. Not a big shock, but this time, there is no rationalizing away the fact that he has continued to seek out other women (while I deleted my account shortly after I met him). I didn't know if I'd even take the step of meeting someone off that site, but in him I found someone I really liked and was attracted to...and he seemed so 'normal' and relatable. We got to know each other fairly well over the several months we chatted & I got a little too attached. I know so much about his family as he does about mine. Currently, it's been a week since I've heard from him. That, combined with the new evidence of his continued online activity, makes my logical/grown up side tell me to cut off all contact and just be done with him. However, I KNOW that this is going to be hard for me. I'm a complete SUCKER for his sweet talk and his assurances that he really likes me and wants to continue. The feelings I've had with him have been ones I haven't felt in so many years that I know I'm vulnerable to them and him.

 

I'm hoping some OW out there can help coach me through facing the reality of OM not being the guy I've been trying to make him out to be. I thought maybe because I didn't feel the need to seek out other people besides him that he'd have felt the same way. Now that I know that's not the case, I need to be able to see him in the cold light of REALITY and make the healthy decision to let him go and not pine for what could have been, or who I tried to make him be. I really need a dose of reality. SOMETHING needs to 'click' for me to stop idealizing this man as someone who's 'different', and 'sympathetic' and 'genuine' about his feelings towards me. Please slap me and tell me how to move on....!!

 

I can relate to what you're saying. It's hard when you get along with a MM and get used to communicating regularly with them and get attached. They make you feel good about yourself and happy. I really hurts when you start to hear less from them and there's not much that you can do. Trust how you are feeling about MM, because you're probably right. I have had funny feelings about my MM, like he may be talking to or seeing other women. I don't think that I was his first affair, but he never talked about it with me. I used to feel like we had such a strong connection, but I think he has been playing me. Reality hurts sometimes, but it's necessary to see how things really are, not how you want them to be. It's something I have been struggling with myself.

[privategal]

His W isnt enough, your bond wasn't enough, the others from the site aren't enough.

He can't get enough.

He isn't genuine.

Think of him using those same sweet caring words he used ti get you attached...the exact words with someone else.

Im so sorry.

[midlifewife]

His W isnt enough, your bond wasn't enough, the others from the site aren't enough.

He can't get enough.

He isn't genuine.

Think of him using those same sweet caring words he used ti get you attached...the exact words with someone else.

Im so sorry.

Wow, you nailed it. I'm going to use the bolded part until I'm done with him. Thanks everyone who's posted so far.....you all are already helping me think about him in a different way. I know it won't be easy, but I can't keep waiting for crumbs and wondering who else he's with, what he's doing and saying to them.

[Bittersweetie]

Yes, it is an addiction. 'Cause it sure as hell ain't love! You are addicted to the way that this person makes you FEEL, and it isn't real. There's no way past the addiction other than to just completely stop communication and I promise you, one day you will look back and have your "WTF was I thinking?!?!" moment.

 

Exactly! Every time my xOM contacted me, or I looked him up online, it gave me a rush and I got addicted to that rush, the way it made me feel.

 

Going NC is the way to go. But instead of looking at it as "I'm never going to talk/see/whatever this guy again ever" look at it as "I'm not going to contact or look him up online today." Because you are strong enough to do one day, right?

 

Whenever I had the urge I told myself, "I'll do it tomorrow." Then the next day, "I'll do it tomorrow." The days turned into weeks into months into years. And now, Like Hope said, I've had many WTF moments.

 

As time goes on, your head will clear and you'll be able to address the issue of why you needed these rushes in the first place and what you're going to do moving forward with yourself and your marriage.

 

Good luck.

[Starbright78]

I could have written your story to a 'T'. Did we know the same MM?! The only difference was we did have an agreement that we were exclusive. I tried to ignore it and eventually would bust him about being on the website and he'd apologize saying he had a browsing addiction. The next to the last time I seen he was on there again, I said something about it, he deleted his account and sent me the receipt. I thought all was good, we had the perfect set-up, he knew exactly how to talk to me and what made me tick. He got busy with work, we had just had some really good visits together before that and so I went along with the barely speaking with bread crumbs here and there. After it had been 2 months of not seeing each other, I had a gut feeling. Went on the website, saw a profile that matched his old one exactly and I asked for his pictures from a user name he didn't know. Within 2 hrs I had them. My heart dropped. He had opened a new account and used a different username. I fully realized then the person I thought I knew so well, was not the same man. I couldn't make him what I wanted and I couldn't ignore what he had done. I sent him a long email in the middle of the night ending it and left for vacation for a week. Probably the best thing I could of done for myself.

 

I couldn't take the not knowing how many women he was saying the exact same thing too or if that's why I was put on the back burner for 2 months. You will get sick of it too. The constant thinking about it and analyzing it, I promise. He is not going to be what you want and it's not going to change.

 

I'm almost 2 months out from ending it. I feel I can breath again but I still have my days. The first month was hard but you can't get wrapped up in the good memories you have. You have to remind yourself of what he did and how big of a jerk he was.

[VJ84]

It's been very refreshing to find this forum and realize that I am not alone in what I am going through in having been involved with a MM for a few months now. Reading through posts and replies have really helped to put things into perspective for me as well. In my situation I was not seeking a relationship with a MM or any for that matter and was caught completely off my guard when I found myself in one, though I still claim full responsibility for my actions/choices. I am pretty naive. He is in the army and is now deployed until the spring. He still maintains a certain aspect of contact with me but not nearly as much as before. I'm a bit grateful that he has been deployed as the distance has helped me to step away and see things clearer for what they are. I see now that I was blindly beginning to spin out of control.

I find that one of the things we cling to within our addiction, other than the euphoria we get from the instant gratification of a message, are the "what ifs". We know we need to move out and on and we know that what we are engaging in is wrong but there's that little voice in the back of our mind or maybe in our heart that whispers, 'what if he does leave his wife', 'what if we are meant to be together', what if, what if... We are equally addicted to the fairytale aspect of the what if as we are to the feeling of worth and validity we get each time a message comes through. I know that every time my MM messages me I get a rush just thinking about how he's thinking of me and that it must mean something or more specifically 'what if' it means something for the future. But now I am also realizing that by doing this I am taking power away from my own life, that every time this happens my self esteem goes down just a little. I think the key to getting past the addiction has to do with having enough respect for ourselves to know where our priorities lie. I'm beginning to know that every message from him results in a tormenting low after the initial high. I go through the stages of "what ifs" to "it will most likely never happen" and find myself in a cycle of devastation, getting up from the grief only to relive it again. Very pitiful indeed. But within this I'm finding that I can also control how much it actually affects me. When MM messaged me to find out how I have been doing, he threw in how we could "hang out" when he gets back. After my 'what if' moment I knew that hanging out with him would be out of the question unless he decides to leave his marriage, but that in itself is not something that is actually my problem, and me waiting for him to do this again takes away the power I have to control my own life. In waiting we are not actually living our life but merely existing and aren't we worth more than that? I like the comment of being strong enough to take it day by day. Its little steps at a time that will lead to the bigger steps. For instance, I don't have the strength to unfriend him on fb, mostly because I don't want to stir the pot in him inquiring about it while he's so far away, but I've made the decision and mustered the strength to stop checking fb, esp since I always look at his activity log or whether or not he "likes" my posts. The bottom line is that we have the power to develop the strength to stop the addicting dialogue that goes on in our heads or at least to help it fade away. I've always liked the saying "This too shall pass", and so I try to remember it when those pesky little feelings start rushing in and taking over attempting to drag me down for a moment of weakness, particularly on a quiet, lonely night. Coming on a forum like this also helps a lot esp since it is a bit of a taboo subject that can make us feel as if we are walking alone.

[midlifewife]

In waiting we are not actually living our life but merely existing and aren't we worth more than that?

Yes! I spent some time over the weekend thinking a lot about how the A affected my life. There has been more and more waiting and wondering, and less of the 'rushes'. I know I'd be very hurt if he told me he was done. So, I made the decision to let go of him. I reeeaaalllly don't want to, but decided I had to. I know it's not going to be easy to stay away from texting him, but I'm going to do it. I send him a long email explaining everything this weekend. I do hope for at least some sort of response, as our texting has been going on for almost a year. I feel like that would help me move on as well.

 

This is even harder for me right now because I've also decided to end my marriage (obviously not because of MM) and only told my H several days ago that I thought we had to divorce. That's a whole 'nother story!!

[Josmatjes]

Yes! I spent some time over the weekend thinking a lot about how the A affected my life. There has been more and more waiting and wondering, and less of the 'rushes'. I know I'd be very hurt if he told me he was done. So, I made the decision to let go of him. I reeeaaalllly don't want to, but decided I had to. I know it's not going to be easy to stay away from texting him, but I'm going to do it. I send him a long email explaining everything this weekend. I do hope for at least some sort of response, as our texting has been going on for almost a year. I feel like that would help me move on as well.

 

This is even harder for me right now because I've also decided to end my marriage (obviously not because of MM) and only told my H several days ago that I thought we had to divorce. That's a whole 'nother story!!

 

Sending him a goodbye message was good. Although, I did that as a last resort to heal myself and it backfired. Made him come on stronger with the words and texting. That confused me so it's easier for me to just block.

[midlifewife]

Well, so far he hasn't even responded, so I'm thinkin' that won't be a problem for me

[Starbright78]

Well, so far he hasn't even responded, so I'm thinkin' that won't be a problem for me

 

I'm sorry. . Mine didn't either for about two weeks and then it was only to say ' I can't believe you checked up on me like that on AM'. I never responded. I was hurt because after two years I just got that and not even an I'm sorry. I'm sure it hurts you that he hasn't responded yet and I'm sure deep down there is a feeling of you wish he would have told you that you were wrong and try to fight to keep what you both had but really..... It's probably best if he doesn't. You can move on in NC and see him for what he was. ((HUGS))

[midlifewife]

I'm sorry. . Mine didn't either for about two weeks and then it was only to say ' I can't believe you checked up on me like that on AM'. I never responded. I was hurt because after two years I just got that and not even an I'm sorry. I'm sure it hurts you that he hasn't responded yet and I'm sure deep down there is a feeling of you wish he would have told you that you were wrong and try to fight to keep what you both had but really..... It's probably best if he doesn't. You can move on in NC and see him for what he was. ((HUGS))

Starbright, thanks so much for the reply. I'm wondering about the AM thing, too, and how much of an impact that's having on him not responding. Since the big 'hack', we hadn't ever mentioned it to each other. He is a pretty tech-savvy guy, so I've been assuming he knows what info is out there about him. If he didn't, my email might have led to some panic. In the overall context of what I wrote, the part about finding out more about his 'activities', was not really a big emphasis. I also wrote a lot of really nice things about him, our time together, wishing him well, etc. Just wish he would be the person I always believed him to be, and reciprocate. Even if it's just a quick text to say he's sorry but he understands, he'll miss what we had, anything. I also wonder if he thinks he's doing me a favor by not responding and just going away quietly. I actually almost included something in the email about being interested in hearing his thoughts about my decision, but kind of thought that went without saying. I'm considering allowing myself to contact him just one more time to ask just that. Then, if I don't hear back, I'll know for sure he was really being a jerk, not just interpreting my email a different way. Ugh, I wish it wasn't so hard to let go of someone I know can't give me what I need and deserve.

[Josmatjes]

The problem is that when in an affair, it's not like a normal break up. You don't get to decide, and you won't have your say. That's what hurts us the most. We want to knw why we were treated a certain way, why they let go, why they come back? But the bottom line is that YOU KNOW.

 

We all know the answers to these questions. It was an AFFAIR! We are used until it becomes an inconvenience. In my case we were or I thought we were totally in love, soulmates, blah, blah, blah..but as soon as dday came he ran with his tail between his legs. And it's been 16 months since dday and he is still trying to get in. But he has said that he liked the anonymity of the affair. It just wasn't as fun after people knew!!

 

I'll never know if anything was true or not but I just can't care. I hope you can get through this. It's hard, it's really hard but you can do it. Look ahead to better days!

[Josmatjes]

Starbright, thanks so much for the reply. I'm wondering about the AM thing, too, and how much of an impact that's having on him not responding. Since the big 'hack', we hadn't ever mentioned it to each other. He is a pretty tech-savvy guy, so I've been assuming he knows what info is out there about him. If he didn't, my email might have led to some panic. In the overall context of what I wrote, the part about finding out more about his 'activities', was not really a big emphasis. I also wrote a lot of really nice things about him, our time together, wishing him well, etc. Just wish he would be the person I always believed him to be, and reciprocate. Even if it's just a quick text to say he's sorry but he understands, he'll miss what we had, anything. I also wonder if he thinks he's doing me a favor by not responding and just going away quietly. I actually almost included something in the email about being interested in hearing his thoughts about my decision, but kind of thought that went without saying. I'm considering allowing myself to contact him just one more time to ask just that. Then, if I don't hear back, I'll know for sure he was really being a jerk, not just interpreting my email a different way. Ugh, I wish it wasn't so hard to let go of someone I know can't give me what I need and deserve.

 

I still am hurt that my mm never said a word and I analyze it. Did he think it was better not to say anything? Or just better for him?

[midlifewife]

I still am hurt that my mm never said a word and I analyze it. Did he think it was better not to say anything? Or just better for him?

Did you ever follow up and ask him to? Can't decide if I should....although I probably will, knowing myself ;-)

[Josmatjes]

Did you ever follow up and ask him to? Can't decide if I should....although I probably will, knowing myself ;-)

 

I blocked him and then he borrowed someone's phone to get in touch w me on my birthday. That was in August. Since then he has contacted me on and off, but it's not the same. The very last time we texted which was this past Friday, he went on and on that he still was in love w me, and I was a drug to him and he couldn't resist me and that if he could he would be with me every single day and then he said he wantedRelationship with me again, said he was so sorry for the way he has treated me. I asked him if he expected me to just sit and wonder what's going on with him and wait for him to text. He said no, he messed up before and he is so sorry.... Sooooo that was last Friday and their has been no word since! I'm not mad about that I'm just angry that he would say all these things just to leave.... What's the matter with these people?

 

The thing is...it doesn't matter what he says, actions speak louder! Do not do what I did and wait for a confirmation of his love. You aren't going to be satisfied w any answer and it's still going to hurt. Go no contact and I swear you will get stronger every single day!!

[DKT3]

I blocked him and then he borrowed someone's phone to get in touch w me on my birthday. That was in August. Since then he has contacted me on and off, but it's not the same. The very last time we texted which was this past Friday, he went on and on that he still was in love w me, and I was a drug to him and he couldn't resist me and that if he could he would be with me every single day and then he said he wantedRelationship with me again, said he was so sorry for the way he has treated me. I asked him if he expected me to just sit and wonder what's going on with him and wait for him to text. He said no, he messed up before and he is so sorry.... Sooooo that was last Friday and their has been no word since! I'm not mad about that I'm just angry that he would say all these things just to leave.... What's the matter with these people?

 

The thing is...it doesn't matter what he says, actions speak louder! Do not do what I did and wait for a confirmation of his love. You aren't going to be satisfied w any answer and it's still going to hurt. Go no contact and I swear you will get stronger every single day!!

 

Jos, you are still waiting and looking, still accepting and responding to his communications for this you will never move pass this and heal...STILL HOPING.

[Southern Sun]

I blocked him and then he borrowed someone's phone to get in touch w me on my birthday. That was in August. Since then he has contacted me on and off, but it's not the same. The very last time we texted which was this past Friday, he went on and on that he still was in love w me, and I was a drug to him and he couldn't resist me and that if he could he would be with me every single day and then he said he wantedRelationship with me again, said he was so sorry for the way he has treated me. I asked him if he expected me to just sit and wonder what's going on with him and wait for him to text. He said no, he messed up before and he is so sorry.... Sooooo that was last Friday and their has been no word since! I'm not mad about that I'm just angry that he would say all these things just to leave.... What's the matter with these people?

 

The thing is...it doesn't matter what he says, actions speak louder! Do not do what I did and wait for a confirmation of his love. You aren't going to be satisfied w any answer and it's still going to hurt. Go no contact and I swear you will get stronger every single day!!

 

Jos...he sounds awfully manipulative. Do you think he just wanted to prove that you were still "there"? So he could go poof and know you were still hanging around, thinking of him, secure in the knowledge that he still had some effect on you? I mean, you specifically said you are not okay with waiting around not hearing from him. He said, of course, that was wrong of me. And...did it again. He is making sure he has control.

 

Hell, the best case scenario is that he literally doesn't care how you feel at all. He said he did, but he lied. Either he 1) whoops, doesn't care, or 2) did all of that on purpose. Is there another option?

 

It's familiar to me...

[unluckycharms]

I was addicted to my ex so I can relate. Seeing him felt like taking a hit of something - a huge wave of relief would wash over me as if I'd had an itch I couldn't scratch and I finally scratched it once I was in his arms. Then, within 24 hours of seeing him, I'd get mad at him and we'd fight until we saw each other again at which point we'd forgive each other. The cycle repeated 2-3 times a week and only got worse and more frequent as time went on. If I tried to leave, he'd ratchet up the affection or do something I had been complaining about him not doing i.e. coming over at night or on weekends, going on more dates, etc. It would hold me over for a little bit but then I'd want even more from him and we'd start arguing and the cycle would continue.

 

Hopefully you've never had to quit an addictive substance, but I have (smoking) and it helps me to think of breaking up with him like quitting a drug. It made me see that I could wait out the cravings to contact him and that NC would get easier with time. It was also helpful to realize that I didn't actually want a relationship with him and it was my pride that wanted him to leave his wife.

[midlifewife]

It was also helpful to realize that I didn't actually want a relationship with him and it was my pride that wanted him to leave his wife.

^^^This!! I do think it would be fun to date mine (because we've rarely been able to be together)...but in thinking about what I know about his extra-marital activities, I'd be crazy to ever consider anything more serious than that. Plus, he's not leaving his M anyway. But I sure echo the part about pride and ego wanting more, whether I like it or not.

[unluckycharms]

^^^This!! I do think it would be fun to date mine (because we've rarely been able to be together)...but in thinking about what I know about his extra-marital activities, I'd be crazy to ever consider anything more serious than that. Plus, he's not leaving his M anyway. But I sure echo the part about pride and ego wanting more, whether I like it or not.

 

I tell myself that my ex is probably only fun to be with in limited quantities and I think this is true for most. A lot of MMs seem like they are on their "best" behavior around their affair partner in terms of being enjoyable to be around, at least in the beginning, but are incapable of being the good person they pretend to be when they're in a real relationship. My ex would complain about him and his wife arguing all the time over dumb household chores (caveat that I'm not sure if this was true) and I'd try to tell him it wasn't really about the dishes and was about the fact that he was cheating on her and she didn't feel loved, but he didn't seem to understand emotions and/or how to treat women properly. Among many other things, it reminded me that he would be a horrible boyfriend.

 

These guys also can't be trusted and would cheat on whoever. I'm sure I'd drive myself crazy not trusting mine as I already did it in the relationship. I hate the whole pride aspect of this but I don't want pride to hold me back from meeting someone better.

Edited September 11, 2015 by unluckycharms