Being the other man - What to know?

[jetsetter]

I met a woman from another city while she was visiting mine and well I recently visited hers. We had an amazing night out and ended back at the condo I rented and 'had some fun'.

 

Afterwards, we started talking and I found out she has a long term boyfriend. She mentioned how things haven't been going well for years and felt trapped. Our relationship is an escape from her, she likes me and wants to keep it up and talk daily. She left as she couldn't disappear too long and well I agreed to keeping this up.

 

I know I can be judged for this, but I've learned it's easy to judge until you're in the situation yourself. I've never cheated, though I've been cheated on.

 

I'm wondering what I need to know about being in this situation? I like her as well and use her as an escape from my life as well but it's the first time I've been in such a situation.

 

I'm not sure if it's relevant but some background info on my past relationships: serious relationship 1 and 2 were both abusive partners and ended due to infidelity by them, I then casually saw many women but the ones that stuck more than a night or couple weeks include far older woman with a child who wasn't over her ex, fell for a girl leaving the country and then met this current girl. I'm in my mid 20s.

[madjac74]

 

I'm wondering what I need to know about being in this situation?

 

Well to be blunt...be prepared to possibly be murdered

[Strongrunner]

Be prepared to run your life around her timetable. For the disappointment when she let's you down. The heartache when you end up falling for her and she will never leave her partner. I have never been another woman I have too much respect for myself for those reasons alone. Also think about her partner at home. She isn't going to say she is happy, she wants to draw you in. Why would you willingly walk into a situation like this? Sure you have had bad luck with past relationships. But while you are waiting and wasting time on her, you could be missing out on a woman that could become your whole world. Also do you want to be involved with a woman that could cheat on her partner? Is she being held by gun point she can leave. Woman leave their partners all the time, even the abusive ones. Just step away now before you get used and abused.

[road]

You are involved in cheating. You had it done to you and now are involved in an affair so that shows that you think cheating is ok.

[jetsetter]

Well to be blunt...be prepared to possibly be murdered

 

Yup, fortunately guns aren't easy to acquire here and I live in a city that's hundreds of miles away.

 

Be prepared to run your life around her timetable. For the disappointment when she let's you down. The heartache when you end up falling for her and she will never leave her partner. I have never been another woman I have too much respect for myself for those reasons alone. Also think about her partner at home. She isn't going to say she is happy, she wants to draw you in. Why would you willingly walk into a situation like this? Sure you have had bad luck with past relationships. But while you are waiting and wasting time on her, you could be missing out on a woman that could become your whole world. Also do you want to be involved with a woman that could cheat on her partner? Is she being held by gun point she can leave. Woman leave their partners all the time, even the abusive ones. Just step away now before you get used and abused.

 

Thank you for the really good reply. You covered so much and you're right, it is working around her timetable, and there is disappointment and heartache to be had. I guess I'm willing to walk into this because I've had such a bad luck streak for years, at this point I'm sort of just giving up. I don't see her as a potential long term partner for 'real life' as I'm using her to escape my life, but I'm also not restricted. I can still see other woman so I may not miss out on one that may last. Though I've stopped searching for that one as I'm looking to relocate, coincidentally, it's to a city right next to this woman's city.

 

You're right, of course she's not going to say she's happy, nor is she being held at gun point. She just can't ruin his life is what she told me (she runs his business on the side and he owes he money.

 

You are involved in cheating. You had it done to you and now are involved in an affair so that shows that you think cheating is ok.

 

As I said, it's easy to judge until you're caught up in the situation yourself. I know I'm a hypocrite at this stage.

[Strongrunner]

Don't give up and purposely walk into something that will cause you harm. It's your life of course and I really hope the right woman is around the corner. The best of luck.

[smackie9]

I met a woman from another city while she was visiting mine and well I recently visited hers. We had an amazing night out and ended back at the condo I rented and 'had some fun'.

 

Afterwards, we started talking and I found out she has a long term boyfriend. She mentioned how things haven't been going well for years and felt trapped. Our relationship is an escape from her, she likes me and wants to keep it up and talk daily. She left as she couldn't disappear too long and well I agreed to keeping this up.

 

I know I can be judged for this, but I've learned it's easy to judge until you're in the situation yourself. I've never cheated, though I've been cheated on.

 

I'm wondering what I need to know about being in this situation? I like her as well and use her as an escape from my life as well but it's the first time I've been in such a situation.

 

I'm not sure if it's relevant but some background info on my past relationships: serious relationship 1 and 2 were both abusive partners and ended due to infidelity by them, I then casually saw many women but the ones that stuck more than a night or couple weeks include far older woman with a child who wasn't over her ex, fell for a girl leaving the country and then met this current girl. I'm in my mid 20s.

 

 

You keep getting involved with emotionally unavailable women because it's safer for you, than leaving yourself vulnerable again. Though it's not an unusual situation, it's not the healthiest. You are setting yourself up for more disappointment, which will leave your view of relationships tainted, ruining any chance for happiness. Focus on self improvement, self worth, self esteem, and you will attract someone worthy and stable.

[sandylee1]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but is there a reason you would have trouble finding a single girl?

 

Self esteem problems?

Looks?

Confidence?

 

Not that these would be justification, but I'm trying to understand why you'd be part of someone's pain when it was done to you.

 

Be prepared to:

 

not hear from her for periods of time

Get an std

Not be able to take her out in public

Have her BF beat you up

Spend holidays alone

See her on social media looking happy with her BF

Be judged and shamed if he finds out

Be on the emotional roller coaster and get heart broken

 

If your the kind of guy who won't get attached emotionally, then it may not affect you much

[Amelie1980]

What everyone else said.

 

The only plus point I see is that she was honest with you. She told you her situation and gave you the opportunity to walk away.

 

Now you cannot blame her for wasting your time as she has been clear.

 

I was in this situation, only difference was I didnt know he had a gf. He lied and said they broke up. He worked long hours in the city and so it was plausible when he had to rearrange because of "work".

 

I guess you have to ask what you want. Just to mess around or do you want a real gf.

[smackie9]

What everyone else said.

 

The only plus point I see is that she was honest with you. She told you her situation and gave you the opportunity to walk away.

 

Now you cannot blame her for wasting your time as she has been clear.

 

I was in this situation, only difference was I didnt know he had a gf. He lied and said they broke up. He worked long hours in the city and so it was plausible when he had to rearrange because of "work".

 

I guess you have to ask what you want. Just to mess around or do you want a real gf.

She wasn't honest about it until after they had sex.....so what does that tell you?

[ExpatInItaly]

You'll never be the priority.

 

She'll compare you to her boyfriend, even if she never says so.

 

You will be at the mercy of her schedule; expect sudden cancellations and periods of silence.

 

Her boyfriend could find out, and she will probably lie about it and somehow manage to blame a lot of it on you.

 

Sounds like a lot of fun, huh?

[jetsetter]

You keep getting involved with emotionally unavailable women because it's safer for you, than leaving yourself vulnerable again. Though it's not an unusual situation, it's not the healthiest. You are setting yourself up for more disappointment, which will leave your view of relationships tainted, ruining any chance for happiness. Focus on self improvement, self worth, self esteem, and you will attract someone worthy and stable.

 

You're a hundred percent right, it is safer for me than leaving myself vulnerable. It's something I've done for a very long time. I have many ambitions and hobbies in life, and a family is one of them, however, I barely have time to see someone at all times, throw in my attempt at relocation right now too. I feel my self esteem and confidence are there, do you have any suggestions on how to analyze it?

 

I'm also not someone that relies on others. I'm extremely independent and make my life as 'awesome' as it can be for myself, focusing on making sure I'm happy on my own.

 

Please don't take this the wrong way, but is there a reason you would have trouble finding a single girl?

 

Self esteem problems?

Looks?

Confidence?

 

Not that these would be justification, but I'm trying to understand why you'd be part of someone's pain when it was done to you.

 

Be prepared to:

 

not hear from her for periods of time

Get an std

Not be able to take her out in public

Have her BF beat you up

Spend holidays alone

See her on social media looking happy with her BF

Be judged and shamed if he finds out

Be on the emotional roller coaster and get heart broken

 

If your the kind of guy who won't get attached emotionally, then it may not affect you much

 

There's really none of those, I'm the guy my friends consider the whole package: successful career, sponsored athlete, pilot license, fashionable, motorcycle, traveling on the regular and the life of the party. The main problem for me is I have too many hobbies and ambitions that take my time and attention and being too independent.

 

I normally do get attached unless I make an effort not to which I'm doing in this case but there are some risks there that you're right about :/

 

What everyone else said.

 

The only plus point I see is that she was honest with you. She told you her situation and gave you the opportunity to walk away.

 

Now you cannot blame her for wasting your time as she has been clear.

 

I was in this situation, only difference was I didnt know he had a gf. He lied and said they broke up. He worked long hours in the city and so it was plausible when he had to rearrange because of "work".

 

I guess you have to ask what you want. Just to mess around or do you want a real gf.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that and be burned That really sucks

 

I guess she was but only afterwards, we'd already broken the barrier when I met her while she was visiting my city with her friends, then kept talking to her (she got my number by asking her friend who got my friend's number for my number), and drinking at my place, going for dinner and well sex. It's sort of lying by omission but from what I gathered she wasn't exactly sure if she wanted to go through with this.

 

Don't give up and purposely walk into something that will cause you harm. It's your life of course and I really hope the right woman is around the corner. The best of luck.

 

I'll have to think about that. I'm not sure if I'll be hurt.

 

She wasn't honest about it until after they had sex.....so what does that tell you?

 

Exactly :/

 

You'll never be the priority.

 

She'll compare you to her boyfriend, even if she never says so.

 

You will be at the mercy of her schedule; expect sudden cancellations and periods of silence.

 

Her boyfriend could find out, and she will probably lie about it and somehow manage to blame a lot of it on you.

 

Sounds like a lot of fun, huh?

 

She already has, as I'm apparently a far nicer guy etc. I'm okay with most of those as we live in separate cities, I will continue to see other girls (yes I would be clear I'm seeing someone else). She's already been lying to cover for me by telling him I'm a female friend from work, however you're right odds are she'd throw me under the bus since it's easy. :/

[carhill]

I'm wondering what I need to know about being in this situation?

 

-Trust but verify. Why? People lie. You're the 'female co-worker', supposedly. There ya go.

 

-Use your own BC and STD preventatives, religiously.

 

-If you make a habit of it (more than this), it probably would be a good idea to be armed. Stuff happens.

 

-Date other women. Sounds like you're doing that.

 

Learned a lot about that stuff as an OM when your age, many, many years ago. Welcome to LS.

[sandylee1]

Seems you've made up your mind to be the OM and just wanted tips and guidance on how it works. If your comfortable and have a clear conscience or if having a clear conscience isn't that big of a deal for you....then carry on.

[jetsetter]

-Trust but verify. Why? People lie. You're the 'female co-worker', supposedly. There ya go.

 

-Use your own BC and STD preventatives, religiously.

 

-If you make a habit of it (more than this), it probably would be a good idea to be armed. Stuff happens.

 

-Date other women. Sounds like you're doing that.

 

Learned a lot about that stuff as an OM when your age, many, many years ago. Welcome to LS.

 

Thanks for the advice. I know I have to get tested and should start using my own protection.

 

What do you mean by armed? A knife? I'm taller and better built than the guy, however, I know someone on adrenaline has a lot more strength. Would you suggest carrying it whenever in her city, or also when in mine (even when she's not around) as a 'just in case'.

 

Is it worth learning the lesson the hard way? and thanks!

[jetsetter]

Seems you've made up your mind to be the OM and just wanted tips and guidance on how it works. If your comfortable and have a clear conscience or if having a clear conscience isn't that big of a deal for you....then carry on.

 

Thanks. For me, I think it just fits better into my life style than a full time relationship of sorts. I'm trying to keep a clear conscience, it's not easy but it's doable by setting certain boundaries.

[Space Ritual]

Thanks for the advice. I know I have to get tested and should start using my own protection.

 

What do you mean by armed? A knife? I'm taller and better built than the guy, however, I know someone on adrenaline has a lot more strength. Would you suggest carrying it whenever in her city, or also when in mine (even when she's not around) as a 'just in case'.

 

Is it worth learning the lesson the hard way? and thanks!

 

Depends on whether you feel that getting a piece of ass off of somebody that will do the same thing to you if the roles were revered is worth the risk.

 

 

You know what I did to the Other man? I put him in intensive care for an extended period of time as he suffered permanent brain damage and I went to prison for 4 years. I had plenty of time to come to grips with my actions and take ownership of what I did.

 

Was it worth it to me to do what I did? In hindsight almost 30 years on perhaps not but when I walked in on my fiance screwing him in my bed in my house I did not weigh the risk/reward ratio. I reacted with full force in a split second and changed 3 lives forever. I'm sure he didn't weigh the risk/reward either. I'm pretty sure now he really does not think about it since he has the brain power of a walnut.

 

I'm not saying something like that will happen to you. But keep in mind I used to be one of those really passive live and let live nice guy types...until it happened to me. You can rest assured that while you are having fun now, that eventually the party train is going to come to a screeching halt. And do you want to be left holding the bag?

 

You are playing with fire, young man. For all you know this chick will throw you under the bus because sooner or later she will be discovered. And so will you.

[66Charger]

I have always said that real men think of male cheaters as unworthy and this is the case here.

What should you look for? Well I hope it is a severe beat down.

 

You were not raised with honor, since you obviously have none.

 

And since you feel its ok, I hope your future wife is permitted to enjoy multiole penises also.

 

Enjoy your life of lies and deceit. May it always be that way for you.

 

Dont bother.

[sandylee1]

Thanks. For me, I think it just fits better into my life style than a full time relationship of sorts. I'm trying to keep a clear conscience, it's not easy but it's doable by setting certain boundaries.

 

You can also have a casual relationship or a FWB arrangement where no parties are cheated on. This isn't your only option.

[sandylee1]

Depends on whether you feel that getting a piece of ass off of somebody that will do the same thing to you if the roles were revered is worth the risk.

 

 

You know what I did to the Other man? I put him in intensive care for an extended period of time as he suffered permanent brain damage and I went to prison for 4 years. I had plenty of time to come to grips with my actions and take ownership of what I did.

 

Was it worth it to me to do what I did? In hindsight almost 30 years on perhaps not but when I walked in on my fiance screwing him in my bed in my house I did not weigh the risk/reward ratio. I reacted with full force in a split second and changed 3 lives forever. I'm sure he didn't weigh the risk/reward either. I'm pretty sure now he really does not think about it since he has the brain power of a walnut.

 

I'm not saying something like that will happen to you. But keep in mind I used to be one of those really passive live and let live nice guy types...until it happened to me. You can rest assured that while you are having fun now, that eventually the party train is going to come to a screeching halt. And do you want to be left holding the bag?

 

You are playing with fire, young man. For all you know this chick will throw you under the bus because sooner or later she will be discovered. And so will you.

 

Ouch!

 

This is a very sad story jndeed . I think bringing your AP into your marital bed is the height of disrespect in an affair. Such tragic consequences all round.

 

OP - you better think long and hard about this. The consequences could quite literally be deadly.

[Space Ritual]

Ouch!

 

This is a very sad story jndeed . I think bringing your AP into your marital bed is the height of disrespect in an affair. Such tragic consequences all round.

 

OP - you better think long and hard about this. The consequences could quite literally be deadly.

 

I have only myself to blame for my actions.

 

I could have just as easily just turned around and walked out. I chose not to.

Although my reaction was an extreme case some good did come out of it. I was able to get an education when I got out and have thus become fairly successful in spite of it all and once I walked out of Joliet I never looked back, and never got into any legal trouble ever again.

The downside of course of it is that being a convicted violent felon it has been a struggle to get things such as loans, housing, employment, you name it. I struggled mightily. But I overcame i as much as possible when it could have been alot easier to become an animal and lead a life of crime like so many others that get out and find themselves with nothing for far less than what I did. At Fifty Years old I am not the same person I was at 23. However, no matter how far I've come, my actions in a split second all those years ago will always be with me in the form of a criminal record.

 

 

OP, I really do not talk about it much, but the reason I actually did publicly talk about it this evening was that the Cavalier attitude you are exhibiting about your actions are generally the type of attitude of somebody that will eventually get physically hurt by someone else. You think you are pretty slick, but you most certainly are setting yourself up for a huge comeuppance. You may not be so lucky as the OM in my situation. I could have easily murdered him and my fiance both. And I would be lying if I said I didn't have it in me to do so or that it did not cross my mind to end his and her life at the time. I am telling you this because it's your attitude that is gonna be your downfall. A guy like you who thinks he has the bull by the horns and is untouchable usually ends up a victim of a guy like me.

[Lois_Griffin]

Yup, fortunately guns aren't easy to acquire here and I live in a city that's hundreds of miles away.

Don't be foolish. Guns aren't the ONLY way some jealous boyfriend might harm you. He might decide to beat the living sh*t out of you. No gun needed.

[Lois_Griffin]

As I said, it's easy to judge until you're caught up in the situation yourself. I know I'm a hypocrite at this stage.

Oh please. This nonsense with "walk a mile in my shoes....' is utter tripe.

 

You made a series of deliberate CHOICES to get where you are. It didn't 'just happen' and it didn't force itself on you and you didn't accidently get 'caught up' in this nonsense.

 

To imply that no one should judge the situation because WE could get caught up in it is ignorant. Just as you chose to be in it, there are a lot of us who choose NOT to be in it.

 

Because it is about choice, plain and simple.

 

And the moral of this story is that you reap what you sow.

Edited September 6, 2015 by Lois_Griffin

[jen1447]

I'm wondering what I need to know about being in this situation?

 

Emotionally, since it's a deception-based thing and you're the third party, always be prepared to be #2. That may not sound like a big deal (and some independent ppl handle it well), but if you're really looking for a conventional relationship, you'll suffer.

[jetsetter]

I'm not looking for judgement, I know the decision I made and yes I second guess it a lot. I'm looking for advice and not looking to get reamed. If you post a rant about me not being a great guy etc don't expect a reply.

 

Depends on whether you feel that getting a piece of ass off of somebody that will do the same thing to you if the roles were revered is worth the risk.

 

 

You know what I did to the Other man? I put him in intensive care for an extended period of time as he suffered permanent brain damage and I went to prison for 4 years. I had plenty of time to come to grips with my actions and take ownership of what I did.

 

Was it worth it to me to do what I did? In hindsight almost 30 years on perhaps not but when I walked in on my fiance screwing him in my bed in my house I did not weigh the risk/reward ratio. I reacted with full force in a split second and changed 3 lives forever. I'm sure he didn't weigh the risk/reward either. I'm pretty sure now he really does not think about it since he has the brain power of a walnut.

 

I'm not saying something like that will happen to you. But keep in mind I used to be one of those really passive live and let live nice guy types...until it happened to me. You can rest assured that while you are having fun now, that eventually the party train is going to come to a screeching halt. And do you want to be left holding the bag?

 

You are playing with fire, young man. For all you know this chick will throw you under the bus because sooner or later she will be discovered. And so will you.

 

First of thank you for opening up about your story, I really appreciate it and I appreciate your other post below as well. I understand why you wouldn't open up much about it and I'm sure it's not easy for you to have done so but thank you. It's amazing you were able to overcome all of that.

 

You have opened my eyes to this possibility and it's something you're right about. I'm in a situation where I could be physically harmed and I dod have a pretty cavalier attitude about this.

 

Being cheated on in the past, I never went after the other man. I do have a hot temper and have been arrested over it (most recently broke the entire left side of a man's face after he pick pocketed me) but I never would have though to go after the other guy. You've pointed out the obvious which not everyone's the same and well, a situation like what happened in yours is very likely. Your post has me second guessing this and trying to figure out what to do. From what she's told me, he'd "break my arms and legs".

 

A major problem here is that she does have feelings for me, which if I ever bluntly end it, she may go to him and tell him I did X to her. It's something I've been thinking about the past couple days and wish I could have replied sooner but was stuck travelling.

 

You can also have a casual relationship or a FWB arrangement where no parties are cheated on. This isn't your only option.

 

Ouch!

 

This is a very sad story jndeed . I think bringing your AP into your marital bed is the height of disrespect in an affair. Such tragic consequences all round.

 

OP - you better think long and hard about this. The consequences could quite literally be deadly.

 

You're right. It's something I'm thinking about and well I am starting to feel a little bad. I hadn't seen some of my friends for 4 years until I was in their city over the weekend. They were blown away by who I became. I was a shy little chubby kid who had no self confidence, sheltered, scared and well pathetic. Part of the reason I jumped into this is that I'm the exact opposite, I try everything once to see and I jumped into this without thinking long term. I am sort of starting to think I may have messed up after reading your post and Space Rituals...

 

Emotionally, since it's a deception-based thing and you're the third party, always be prepared to be #2. That may not sound like a big deal (and some independent ppl handle it well), but if you're really looking for a conventional relationship, you'll suffer.

 

Thanks for not judging and for the advice. Fortunately, I am the independent type in most cases and am not looking for something conventional. I'm working on leaving my current city and the next stop coincidentally is her city.