Being the other man - What to know?

[Got it]

Oh brother. Now I've heard it all. So because you don't have the time and energy to find/cultivate an above-board relationship, you'll just become a weasel who steals another man's goods?

 

Sorry, but "real" men can't stand men like you.

 

As others have mentioned, I would be packing heat and looking over my shoulder. A lot.

 

I'll bow out now, as I really have no helpful advice for you in your quest to be a beta-male orbiter. True alphas don't take other men's sloppy seconds.

 

Not to even attempt to get into the ridiculousness of alpha/beta designation. But, one, I am assuming the woman is "sloppy seconds"? And two, how is she "sloppy seconds" when she wasn't "given up by the first man but, in fact, is actively going after and retaining two men? And three, she is only defined by the men and their desire/want of her? And four, aren't they her "sloppy seconds", not the other way around, since she is the the one orchestrating/manipulating the situation/relationshps?

[Got it]

You're a hundred percent right, it does downgrade the type of man I am. It makes me the contrary of a mensch. There's a lot of reasons as I've mentioned, but the primary being that to have all that going for me and loving myself (not in a narcissistic way but love what you do in life and being able to enjoy anything yourself) leaves me with little time for much else aside from my career and hobbies.

 

Jet, since you have noticed a pattern in your dating, I do caution you that you will most likely be left with the same emotions/ending that you had in your other prior relationships. Since, even with the affair outstanding, you have really addressed those issues and so have not shown to be attracted to a different type of woman.

 

So I do think short term you are going to feel like this works, as it does allow you to be less vulnerable, etc. but long term it will probably leave you feeling dissatisfied.

 

Why not address those patterns?

[jen1447]

Oh brother. Now I've heard it all. So because you don't have the time and energy to find/cultivate an above-board relationship, you'll just become a weasel who steals another man's goods?

 

Sorry, but "real" men can't stand men like you.

 

As others have mentioned, I would be packing heat and looking over my shoulder. A lot.

 

I'll bow out now, as I really have no helpful advice for you in your quest to be a beta-male orbiter. True alphas don't take other men's sloppy seconds.

Not to even attempt to get into the ridiculousness of alpha/beta designation. But, one, I am assuming the woman is "sloppy seconds"? And two, how is she "sloppy seconds" when she wasn't "given up by the first man but, in fact, is actively going after and retaining two men? And three, she is only defined by the men and their desire/want of her? And four, aren't they her "sloppy seconds", not the other way around, since she is the the one orchestrating/manipulating the situation/relationshps?

 

It's all bc she's the other guy's "goods."

[Sassy Girl]

You seem like a smart guy... You should know you can't sue for defamation if what's written and said about you is true.

 

That's why someone cautioned you about your own history you are writing.

[sandylee1]

Not to even attempt to get into the ridiculousness of alpha/beta designation. But, one, I am assuming the woman is "sloppy seconds"? And two, how is she "sloppy seconds" when she wasn't "given up by the first man but, in fact, is actively going after and retaining two men? And three, she is only defined by the men and their desire/want of her? And four, aren't they her "sloppy seconds", not the other way around, since she is the the one orchestrating/manipulating the situation/relationshps?

 

Sloppy seconds is a very common saying in scenarios like this. He's making do with the sidepiece /secret lover to the main man. Sloppy seconds being after the BF is done, his remnants are inside her and Jet goes there.

 

OP - I hope you're using condoms, you don't know who else she's physical with apart from her BF.

 

Oh yeah, don't move closer to her. All it takes is for the BF to tail her with a PI and they'd take pictures of you and he'd have a clear vision.

[Got it]

Sloppy seconds is a very common saying in scenarios like this. He's making do with the sidepiece /secret lover to the main man. Sloppy seconds being after the BF is done, his remnants are inside her and Jet goes there.

 

OP - I hope you're using condoms, you don't know who else she's physical with apart from her BF.

 

Oh yeah, don't move closer to her. All it takes is for the BF to tail her with a PI and they'd take pictures of you and he'd have a clear vision.

 

So what if she has sex with Jet first, is the boyfriend sloppy seconds? And, really, we are reducing her to a vessel of male sperm? Really?

 

And why would a boyfriend hire a PI? I get it in a marriage, especially in a state that allows adultery to impact the financial distribution of a divorce, but a boyfriend? What is honestly the likelihood someone goes to that expense and trouble? And if he was, why wouldn't he do that where ever Jet lives? Why would being closer play a factor?

 

I don't know, don't think that is very likely. *shrug*

Edited September 10, 2015 by Got it

[jen1447]

And why would a boyfriend hire a PI? I get it in a marriage, especially in a state that allows adultery to impact the financial distribution of a divorce, but a boyfriend? What is honestly the likelihood someone goes to that expense and trouble?

It's uncommon.

 

 

And if he was, why wouldn't he do that where ever Jet lives? Why would being closer play a factor?

 

I don't know, don't think that is very likely. *shrug*

 

Proximity wouldn't really matter unless there were really significant distances involved. The likelihood is that they'd just attached a GPS to her car anyway and watch where she goes.

[Got it]

It's uncommon.

 

 

 

 

Proximity wouldn't really matter unless there were really significant distances involved. The likelihood is that they'd just attached a GPS to her car anyway and watch where she goes.[/QUOTE]

 

Sounds far more practical. Or turn on the tracking in the phone, old fashion tailing, etc.

[sandylee1]

So what if she has sex with Jet first, is the boyfriend sloppy seconds? And, really, we are reducing her to a vessel of male sperm? Really?

 

And why would a boyfriend hire a PI? I get it in a marriage, especially in a state that allows adultery to impact the financial distribution of a divorce, but a boyfriend? What is honestly the likelihood someone goes to that expense and trouble? And if he was, why wouldn't he do that where ever Jet lives? Why would being closer play a factor?

 

I don't know, don't think that is very likely. *shrug*

 

Considering Jet is the OM, she's more likely to be having sex with her BF more. Jet says it's about twice a month with her , but if it was the other way round. ..then yes the BF gets sloppy seconds. And that's the very reason some BHs just can't get back with a WW. Because they've gone down on her after unprotected sex with her AP - on the same day or night. Not a pleasant image, but a true one

 

If you jump from man to man, it's not uncommon to be labelled as a sperm receptacle either.

 

For those guys who never want marriage and see their relationship as a life partnership, they are the ones to go the PI route. Nearly all the cases on 'cheaters ' weren't married. It's not only married folk that use PIs this way.

 

Depends on how serious this relationship is. I'd think before you break a guy's arms and legs ( as she said he would) you'd want to be sure he was the OM.

[clam]

So what if she has sex with Jet first, is the boyfriend sloppy seconds? And, really, we are reducing her to a vessel of male sperm? Really?

 

You're really splitting hairs here. It's a figure of speech and irrelevant to the topic at hand. Geez...

 

Who cares who she has sex with first -- BF or Jett... Either way it's probably not going to end well.

[gettingstronger]

It's not the taking what belongs to someone else, but this person brings something different to the table. Not that she's taken, but rather, she fits within my life - a major reason why I'm normally single is that people simply can't keep up and I'm okay with that. However, she's glad with how much time we see each other, calls me out on my flaws and encourages and helps me improve them. Most people doing that to me. My friends look at me like I'm Harvey Spectre, I'm as independent as you get. She believes in me and supports me, which has never happened before.

 

 

I guess I still don't get it- maybe its your age or something but I know plenty of really busy people that have relationships with other busy singles- perhaps its because they are usually really successful small business owners in relationships with other really successful business owners- and my age- I am in my late 40s so its not unusual for people to be in casual relationships without lots of ties or expectations-

 

It is interesting to me that in your mind this fits because you are so desirable yet unattainable- I think there may be something deeper you should look at- perhaps some ego/esteem issues where you are protecting yourself from being hurt by building bravado- maybe those past relationships have injured you more than you want to accept-

[gettingstronger]

Oh darn, sorry got OT when reading responses- you asked what to expect- It seems that at some point the rules change and one wants more than the other and it becomes messy and people get hurt-so.... not sure which end you will be on but both seem pretty cruddy so-prepare-

[Try]

You're right, of course she's not going to say she's happy, nor is she being held at gun point. She just can't ruin his life is what she told me (she runs his business on the side and he owes he money.

How is her secretly cheating on him better for his life than breaking up with him, so that he can have a chance at finding someone else that actually wants to be with him in a healthy relationship? Her lying to him about them being in an exclusive relationship is not a requirement for her being able to help him run his business on the side. I know many people that work together that do not sleep with each other. It can be done really.

 

Cheaters always say that they are not happy, and always have a reason why they must cheat rather than break up with their significant other. Before you get too involved with her, remember that if she cheats with you, she can cheat on you later using the same logic that she is using now.

[Cymbeline]

She can be horrid to her boyfriend but there isn't any need for you to be is there? Didn't your parents teach you that about the rules of the playground when you were small ?

[Got it]

You're really splitting hairs here. It's a figure of speech and irrelevant to the topic at hand. Geez...

 

Who cares who she has sex with first -- BF or Jett... Either way it's probably not going to end well.

 

Dude you were the one to use it. I was trying to understand it.

[jetsetter]

You seem like a smart guy... You should know you can't sue for defamation if what's written and said about you is true.

 

That's why someone cautioned you about your own history you are writing.

 

Laws in my region are different from most in the country/continent where it can be true but still taken down if aimed to specifically destroy someone's reputation. Plus, most people posting while in a fit of rage end up twisting or adding to the truth which as long as I can prove should lead to a victory.

 

It's uncommon.

 

Proximity wouldn't really matter unless there were really significant distances involved. The likelihood is that they'd just attached a GPS to her car anyway and watch where she goes.

 

I agree, it's unlikely most people go to that length, and she doesn't get to go near my place anyways. He already tracks her through the GPS of her phone. She let's it die right before meeting me.

 

I guess I still don't get it- maybe its your age or something but I know plenty of really busy people that have relationships with other busy singles- perhaps its because they are usually really successful small business owners in relationships with other really successful business owners- and my age- I am in my late 40s so its not unusual for people to be in casual relationships without lots of ties or expectations-

 

It is interesting to me that in your mind this fits because you are so desirable yet unattainable- I think there may be something deeper you should look at- perhaps some ego/esteem issues where you are protecting yourself from being hurt by building bravado- maybe those past relationships have injured you more than you want to accept-

 

I guess yes, there are single people out there that meet that as well. Something that your post made me realize is it's because I actually get along with her and she motivates me in a good way. Very few people have seen the good in me and not taken advantage of it.

 

Yes, you're right that I do have some issues from the past that have left me at a place where I now look out for my self and put up a shield to block others out. It's been the best thing that I've done with my life and credit so much to: career, passions, loving my self. But as I mentioned, I've been taken advantage of, I've moved across the world, continents, countries, I've given up finances, I've sacrificed everything to try and believe in love and that belief, that hope is gone in me. I focused on myself for a long time and learned to make my own life happy and fulfilling.

 

Oh darn, sorry got OT when reading responses- you asked what to expect- It seems that at some point the rules change and one wants more than the other and it becomes messy and people get hurt-so.... not sure which end you will be on but both seem pretty cruddy so-prepare-

 

I'm prepared for that and well, I'm seeing other woman to ensure I don't catch feelings.

 

How is her secretly cheating on him better for his life than breaking up with him, so that he can have a chance at finding someone else that actually wants to be with him in a healthy relationship? Her lying to him about them being in an exclusive relationship is not a requirement for her being able to help him run his business on the side. I know many people that work together that do not sleep with each other. It can be done really.

 

Cheaters always say that they are not happy, and always have a reason why they must cheat rather than break up with their significant other. Before you get too involved with her, remember that if she cheats with you, she can cheat on you later using the same logic that she is using now.

 

You're right about that, and that a cheater will cheat again using the same logic.

 

She can be horrid to her boyfriend but there isn't any need for you to be is there? Didn't your parents teach you that about the rules of the playground when you were small ?

 

I was the kid being hung from the monkey bars by his underpants as a kid Fortunately, I grew up and became bigger..

[Got it]

He is already tracking her via GPS!?! Why is he tracking her? Sorry but that is a major concern. She is too high risk; that is a major ticking time bomb.

[superdub]

Thanks. For me, I think it just fits better into my life style than a full time relationship of sorts. I'm trying to keep a clear conscience, it's not easy but it's doable by setting certain boundaries.

 

I am dealing with something similar right now. I have not done anything yet, but I am pretty sure it's about to graduate beyond an emotional affair.

 

I totally agree with the boundaries statement. I am having doubts as to how my conscience will deal with it. However, I think my conscience is just reacting to the "taboo" part of it all.

[jen1447]

He is already tracking her via GPS!?! Why is he tracking her? Sorry but that is a major concern. She is too high risk; that is a major ticking time bomb.

 

I think he's just talking about apps that use a phone's GPS capabilities. It's pretty common. Think of it as 'passive monitoring' - if he were ever curious where she was he could check the app, as opposed to a hidden GPS unit on a vehicle where you're constantly being monitored without knowing it and it will still narc on you even if you phone 'dies.' (I assume the phone app is known and understood between the two of them.)

[superdub]

'passive monitoring'

 

I am genuinely trying to find that less creepy, but I just can't.

[jen1447]

I am genuinely trying to find that less creepy, but I just can't.

 

Ppl do it all the time, altho it's more common with parents keeping tabs on kids and stuff like that. I don't particularly care for it myself among adults (bc it does speak to a disconcerting level of insecurity and/or possessiveness, generally), but it's rather normal(ish) now.

[superdub]

Ppl do it all the time, altho it's more common with parents keeping tabs on kids and stuff like that. I don't particularly care for it myself among adults (bc it does speak to a disconcerting level of insecurity and/or possessiveness, generally), but it's rather normal(ish) now.

 

I guess, in a way, I've done this some. Maybe? I have a cyber-security monitoring subscription (it was free after some identify theft) and I have noticed that one of my ex-gfs logs in to my Facebook (changing the password) from time to time and looks at an old blog of mine that only has one entry this year every day.

 

So, I guess it is normal-ish. That makes sense.

[jetsetter]

Sorry for the late response/update! I got caught up in a bit of a world tour Asia > West Coast > Europe > East Coast and spent the past month away from home both working and pleasure.

 

So update: I actually flew out of her city and back in as it was far cheaper. I almost ended things with her this last time as I had a tinge of guilt I didn't want, however, before I brought it up, she began talking. I notice more and more she's opening up, she's bringing emotion into this. As per recommendations, I have and will continue to keep it out on my end at this time.

 

Sheltered life + boyfriend who talks to her like she's **** (I was eaves dropping while she was on the phone and never heard someone talk like that to someone before) + how I make her nervous as she's embarrassed that she prefers to spend time with me and her situation + how she wishes I was back already (2 days after)

 

I don't really feel bad after realizing that's how he treats her, that I'm helping her get out of the sheltered lifestyle, etc and emotions are still out on my end so I'm good. I do realize more and more that yes, this may end up with her on my doorstep, but I'll cross that bridge when it comes.

 

He's had his suspicious periods but she seems to have everything together not to blow this thing up and screw me over. Also for those who were arguing over sloppy seconds, turns out it's not me who was getting them like I/we'd assumed.

 

On a side note: Like others have warned, boyfriends are dangerous. I was in a European city, met a girl on Tinder, went out a few times and the last time at a park, I was blindsided with a black eye yelling "get off my girlfriend" - I tackled him to the ground and well told him he's right and I don't blame him for hitting me but that I didn't know (which I didn't - people, please, if you're cheating, at least let the other party know so they know the risks as well).

 

Anyways, thanks for the advice thus far! It's been playing out well.