Looking for a little support (**Updated**)

[ScienceGal]

Hi everyone,

 

I am a long-time LS member, but haven't been on the site in a while.

 

I'm recently out of a relationship that lasted just under 2 years and I'm having a tough time.

 

He is kind, thoughtful, supportive, dependable. I trust him 100%. We had fun together and I was so happy to finally be in a relationship that didn't have wild ups and downs or fighting. It was a huge relief.

 

At the end of last year we had a talk about the relationship and where we were both at. I learned then that he is not a verbal communicator. This is when I realized that I was with a man who didn't have a wide emotional spectrum. He was not affectionate and I knew that I may never even hear the words we all want to hear, "I love you". Even though he is nearly 10 years older than me, he has not had much relationship experience. All signs told me to get out of it, but I stayed. I valued all of the good things too much. I really cared for him and thought that I could compromise. In my mind, as long as he cared, I didn't need verbal confirmation. I could use his actions as an indicator. And that's what I did for the following year.

 

A month ago I brought up the idea of living together. As in, wanting the conversation, not the actual event. He said he wasn't ready. My stomach went into knots. We've been together for nearly 2 years, how can he be so quick to say no? He didn't offer any more information and the issue was dropped. Hy heart sunk and remained heavy. What the heck was going on here? What did I miss?

 

I will credit myself with validating my feelings and not stuffing them away. Three weeks after this conversation, I brought it up again. I wanted to know why he wasn't ready. I said that I don't think the routine we fell into was a good one. We never talked about the relationship or "checked in" with each other. He agreed, but again did not have much to say. I felt my chest tighten and I knew this wasn't good; in fact, it was awful because it was too late. We had fallen into a superficial relationship and each ended up on different pages. He felt genuinely happy to spend time with me, but his feelings didn't go any further than that. There was no thought of the future on his part. I had been patient and assuming his behavior meant he deeply cared for me (and everyone else thought the same and commented on it often).

 

He took another week to think, which brought us to last night. He didn't have specifics other than he didn't get a good gut feeling when I brought up living together. He said that this has been his longest relationship by far and that he enjoyed our time together, but hadn't really considered the future. Since it was so important for me to know where we're going and to have progress and change, we both knew we couldn't go on together. He even said he might be someone who is meant to be alone. I believe he meant that and he might be right. We made a few more comments and hugged goodbye. I'm grateful is was a peaceful and respectful separation.

 

Today I will struggle with the why. Why didn't he really care for me? Can he care deeply (I've wondered if he is on the Asperger spectrum or has some other disorder or traumatic past event)? Why did he stay with me when he knew his feelings were not strong? I will try to not take it personally and know that I did the best I could. I know none of these questions matter and I won't actually ever get true answers. But it hurts. It hurts like hell.

Edited September 5, 2015 by ScienceGal

[Christos]

Well, i am not in his mind and can't tell you why. But in my opinion, why you were in such a hurry to live together? What is your age?

 

Sometimes, not being patient can cost you the love of your life.

 

He wasn't ready. He hadn't thought about the future. This doesn't mean he didn't love you. You have to understand that men are not women, especially modern women, and do not live in a fantasy of white wedding dress and wedding ceremonies and that stuff. We simply don't care that much about it.

 

As long as we are happy and hang out with the woman we love, we are fine.

 

Someday, the time comes for us to complete the deal and create a family, but that day doesn't come at the same time to all of us, and we don't have a biological clock...

 

Anyway, if he really loves you, he will think about it and come to you. I suggest you wait a bit, don't rush to find another. Just give him a little time. He will surely miss you, and will have time to think about what you want. If he loves you more than his independence/fear of commitment, he will come back. If not, then his love indeed wasn't strong enough.

[ScienceGal]

Hi Christos, Thank you for the reply.

 

I wanted to have a conversation about living together (e.g. I have cats and he has a dog, how would that work?). I am in not in a hurry to actually do it, I was actually thinking about maybe 9-10 months from now when I am less busy. I do believe 2 years is long enough to know whether you see long term potential in someone and long enough to be able to talk about feelings and the future. Especially since I am 33 and he is 43.

[Christos]

Hi Christos, Thank you for the reply.

 

I wanted to have a conversation about living together (e.g. I have cats and he has a dog, how would that work?). I am in not in a hurry to actually do it, I was actually thinking about maybe 9-10 months from now when I am less busy. I do believe 2 years is long enough to know whether you see long term potential in someone and long enough to be able to talk about feelings and the future. Especially since I am 33 and he is 43.

 

Well, in that case, you are right. That is why i asked about your age.

 

You need to seriously look for a partner to start a family. And in my opinion, a man at 43 should want to do it after 2 years.

 

In any case, since you can't waste more time on someone who at 43 isn't sure if he wants marriage or not, you have to let him think about it. If he comes back, he will have to commit to you. Don't let him back if he doesn't change his mind.

 

A man who loves a woman, no matter how afraid he is of marriage, at your ages, he will do it.

 

You made the right choice. But still, give him a month to think about it.

[rngrl12]

I agree with Christos. This guy has commitment problems. Cut your losses and move on. I know it sucks. Go NC and focus on yourself.

[Gus Grimly]

Awe, I'm really sorry you are going through this.

 

Your guy sounds like a flake. He should have been upfront with you far earlier on in the relationship. His lack of transparency just goes to show he could care less about your feelings and was only with you for selfish reasons.

 

I learned then that he is not a verbal communicator. This is when I realized that I was with a man who didn't have a wide emotional spectrum.

How did it take you an entire year to realize this about him? Did you not ever have a deep conversation? You're old enough and probably experienced enough to get a 'feel' about someone after a certain period of time. 2 years and he never said; "I love you"??? If I was in a relationship with a woman and I didn't hear that after 6 months I'd be looking for an out.

 

"I had been patient and assuming his behavior meant he deeply cared for me" - Wrong. Look, you can't do that. You can't just expect someone to be on the same page by their behavior alone. That's how you got into trouble. Communication is key in any solid relationship.

 

I'm a very affectionate person, I show this by not only my words but by my actions. If I think she's special I'll go out of my way to express that to her. It's the little things, like waking up extra early to warm her car up, pack a yummy lunch with a note saying "I love you" tucked in with a treat. Put toothpaste on her brush and have it waiting when she gets up etc. Not only do my actions give off the impression I love and care, but I'm also quite vocal about my intentions and feelings as well.

 

Okay so that's me, not saying every guy should follow suit, but what I am saying is that if someone loves you they will exhibit behaviors that give off the impression of caring and devotion. Which brings me to ....

 

Why didn't he really care for me?

You should be asking why YOU stayed with this man for so long when it's so obvious he never intended to move past a certain point. His myriad of excuses he gave you were all generic and lame. No one is perfect, and unless you've been asleep the past 2 years you must have spotted a red flag on more than one occasion. I can tell you have some standards in place for yourself. You were being quite reasonable with your request for communication about the future. The only thing is you ignored were the red flags and what your intuition was telling you. He had no problem listening to his "... he didn't get a good gut feeling when I brought up living together." If someone I was in a relationship said that to me, I'd be quite apoplectic and drop them to the curb faster than Speedy Gonzales.

[ScienceGal]

Hi Gus, thank you for the response.

 

I've been with men who could say the words but not follow through with actions. In this case, he didn't say the words, but his actions showed he did care. People have different love languages, there's even a book about it. My mistake was not checking in once in a while. Some people "speak" better through actions, but that doesn't exempt them from relaying any verbal information at all. I got used to being with him, and I let my needs and concerns slip to the back of my mind. I became fearful that I would lose him, but over time I realized my need for communication was greater than that fear. I had become unhappy and the only solution was to ask the tough questions and be able to face whatever came of it. Obviously, I had hoped that we could work on the relationship rather than end it. I'm deeply hurt that he didn't feel the same way.

 

You're right. I do need to be asking myself why I stayed. Why I chose to wait so long to be true to myself. I'll get there.

 

You sound like a sweet guy. Seems like you offer the talk and the actions. In my experience, that's rare.

[Gus Grimly]

... but his actions showed he did care. People have different love languages, there's even a book about it.

 

The old adage "Action's Speak Louder Than Words". It's very true, but we shouldn't minimize our internal feelings expressed through speech either. When I tell someone I love "You look beautiful today" or "I really appreciate everything you do for me", that's just as important as expressing appreciation through my actions. I have never underestimated the power of telling someone how much they mean to me.

 

Your "needs" are justifiable, you were not being selfish. It was self-preservation. That's why in the future, you will have the confidence to let your partner know how you feel sooner than later. Unfortunately, your Ex doesn't have the integrity and respect for you to be in a committed relationship. He doesn't deserve it. You are better off, believe me.

 

You sound like a sweet guy. Seems like you offer the talk and the actions. In my experience, that's rare.

Thank you, I try to be as open and honest that I can. It goes both ways, though. I've dated women who've completely discounted these qualities because they were only interested in sex and could care less about connecting with me on an emotional level. Maybe if I looked like the back of a bus I'd have more success in that department. lol

 

Keep posting, it will help you learn and heal as well!

[Gus Grimly]

Huh? If I am over 40, date a girl two years and she asks for "more" I have no integrity or respect unless I do what she wants regardless of how I feel?

Way to go, you win first prize at misconstruing the point I was making. Did I say that? I was commenting on the fact he didn't even want to discuss it. She never "asked for more", 2 years later she wanted to discuss their future together, is that unreasonable? He has no respect for her because he rejected her invitation to discuss their future and just dropped it. He lacks integrity for not letting his intentions be known a lot sooner. But I guess wasting her time is no biggie, right?

 

So to you, her wanting to open a dialogue about moving in together automatically means she wants: kids, marriage, an open relationship, and jumping off bridges. If that's how you see it then you have a distorted view about life in general. Unless it's made clear early on, most people assume the relationship will eventually take the next step. Otherwise, what's the point?

[sandylee1]

Well, in that case, you are right. That is why i asked about your age.

 

You need to seriously look for a partner to start a family. And in my opinion, a man at 43 should want to do it after 2 years.

 

In any case, since you can't waste more time on someone who at 43 isn't sure if he wants marriage or not, you have to let him think about it. If he comes back, he will have to commit to you. Don't let him back if he doesn't change his mind.

 

A man who loves a woman, no matter how afraid he is of marriage, at your ages, he will do it.

 

You made the right choice. But still, give him a month to think about it.

 

I agree with much of this. A 43 year old man who acts like this, doesn't know what he wants and will only waste your time. He can't talk about living together , so forget marriage with him.

 

Think about moving on if you want a serious relationship.

[ScienceGal]

Huh? If I am over 40, date a girl two years and she asks for "more" I have no integrity or respect unless I do what she wants regardless of how I feel? I should move in, have a kid, marry her, have an open relationship, jump off a bridge? That makes absolutly no sense whatsoever.

 

He was in a commited relationship. He didn't lie, mislead or future fake her. Over time she decided she wanted "more" (nothing wrong with that) and he didn't (also nothing wrong with that).

 

I think they both handled the situation like adults and even though she is not happy with the outcome, I am not sensing that she feels disrespected or that she has any less respect for him. Just two people who now want different things because she decided she wants "more". Happens all the time, at different ages, with both genders. This one isn't any different.

 

Even after he knew I was looking to discuss the future, he was not straight with me. I had to bring it back up a few weeks later. I'm not angry. None of us are perfect, and he has never been through anything like this before. He's a nice person, but not a great partner for me.

 

Also, no open relationships or bridge jumping for me.

[BriNyc82]

Just from the way you articulated your thread I can tell you are someone who like to communicate. And this guy clearly didn't. While he may not have wanted to take your r/s to the next level it doesn't seem like he did a good job in trying to explain what his thoughts were or help you understand.

 

The biggest red flag I see in this, is that he is 43 and hasn't had a long term r/s. R/s history is very important to learn early on and can often be a big indicator. Do you think that you shy'd away from bringing things up bc your gut was telling you he didn't want to talk about it or push him away? I know for me, as a woman sometimes I fear stating what I want bc of that fear. Which is so silly.

 

I know exactly what you mean about some people being able to say the words but can't follow through with actions and others can only show actions with little to no verbal. I had a very similar situation where I told myself "next time I'm going to find someone who can SHOW me". And he did, just like your guy but also lacked the communication. Maybe they overcompensate in certain areas to make up for the lack of in other areas.

 

It seems like your ex avoids conflict and maybe that is why you guys probably never had any ups or downs or fights. It boggles my mind how a guy can be in a r/s for two years and NOT think about where its going. To not consider your time or feelings is selfish to me.

 

Further to Gus' point, why did you stay with him for so long? I guess it was hard to end it b/c everything seemed ok? I am really proud of you for holding it together! And not taking it personally (I have struggled with BOTH) so kudos.

 

You did the right thing. You deserve someone to make you feel secure and who wants a similar future! It's truly his loss.

[Gus Grimly]

The biggest red flag I see in this, is that he is 43 and hasn't had a long term r/s. R/s history is very important to learn early on and can often be a big indicator. Do you think that you shy'd away from bringing things up bc your gut was telling you he didn't want to talk about it or push him away? I know for me, as a woman sometimes I fear stating what I want bc of that fear. Which is so silly.

You bring up a great point Bri. I think it's true that sometimes couples get into trouble because there's lack of communication out of fear. My current BU made me realize that life is too short to hide behind a shroud of uncertainty, it's better to be honest and get it out there. That way the other person knows exactly where you stand and there's no confusion.

 

I know you're a 'people pleaser' Bri, so being blunt hasn't been in the cards for you in the past. I think you're much stronger now than you were before.

[BriNyc82]

You bring up a great point Bri. I think it's true that sometimes couples get into trouble because there's lack of communication out of fear. My current BU made me realize that life is too short to hide behind a shroud of uncertainty, it's better to be honest and get it out there. That way the other person knows exactly where you stand and there's no confusion.

 

I know you're a 'people pleaser' Bri, so being blunt hasn't been in the cards for you in the past. I think you're much stronger now than you were before.

 

Yeah I do have some people pleasing tendencies, usually with people I'm not close to. And dating other people pleasers is just a recipe for disaster!! I am reallllly hoping that next time around I will communicate clearly early on and set that tone in the beginning. By the time I do lay it out all there, it's usually too late.

 

Thank you, we are BOTH stronger!

[ScienceGal]

Nights are the worst. And being just over 24 hours post breakup, this one absolutely blows. I haven't spent a Saturday night alone at my place in almost 2 years. My body is completely rejecting the change in routine. I am not supposed to be here.

 

I went out with a good friend tonight. In the loft of a farmhouse we watched a group of musicians play folk songs on a wide number of instruments. Singing, laughter, and happiness abound. From a comfy couch, glass of red wine in hand, I took it all in. It was quaint, and it was perfect. It felt like what I imagine home would feel like (my apartment has never felt like home to me). Simplicity, openness, individuality, and acceptance. I loved every moment of it. By the end though, I felt the classic chest tension. The "distractions are now over" moment.

 

I lost it on the car ride home and am still a mess now. What I want is not grand, it is not unrealistic. But here I am, still without it and alone, again. I don't understand.

[catlady11]

I'm sorry ScienceGal

 

It's good that you went out tonight, distractions are a reprieve from the pain. I remember the first few weeks of my b/u I found solace in sleep. I had a few blissful seconds when I woke up before the pain and loss would crash over me.

 

Maybe you don't see it now but you did the right thing. You shouldn't settle for less than what you deserve.

[Gus Grimly]

I lost it on the car ride home and am still a mess now. What I want is not grand, it is not unrealistic. But here I am, still without it and alone, again. I don't understand.

Awe

/warm hugz

 

I want the same things as you do, and no, it's not unrealistic nor is it a delusion of grandeur. We all deserve to feel happy and loved.

 

Alas, there's nothing anyone can say that will remove that feeling in the pit of your stomach. I know what you are going through. Loneliness has been my best friend for months now. It does become subdued over time.

 

I'm glad to hear you got out tonight with a friend. It's important to do these things while in the throes of heartbreak. Know that you can always come here to find support as well.

[ScienceGal]

Just from the way you articulated your thread I can tell you are someone who like to communicate. And this guy clearly didn't. While he may not have wanted to take your r/s to the next level it doesn't seem like he did a good job in trying to explain what his thoughts were or help you understand.

 

The biggest red flag I see in this, is that he is 43 and hasn't had a long term r/s. R/s history is very important to learn early on and can often be a big indicator. Do you think that you shy'd away from bringing things up bc your gut was telling you he didn't want to talk about it or push him away? I know for me, as a woman sometimes I fear stating what I want bc of that fear. Which is so silly.

 

I know exactly what you mean about some people being able to say the words but can't follow through with actions and others can only show actions with little to no verbal. I had a very similar situation where I told myself "next time I'm going to find someone who can SHOW me". And he did, just like your guy but also lacked the communication. Maybe they overcompensate in certain areas to make up for the lack of in other areas.

 

It seems like your ex avoids conflict and maybe that is why you guys probably never had any ups or downs or fights. It boggles my mind how a guy can be in a r/s for two years and NOT think about where its going. To not consider your time or feelings is selfish to me.

 

Further to Gus' point, why did you stay with him for so long? I guess it was hard to end it b/c everything seemed ok? I am really proud of you for holding it together! And not taking it personally (I have struggled with BOTH) so kudos.

 

You did the right thing. You deserve someone to make you feel secure and who wants a similar future! It's truly his loss.

 

Hi Bri, Thanks for the response.

 

No, he did not do well at explaining his feelings. I asked if there were specific reasons he didn't feel ready to talk about moving the relationship forward, but he didn't have any. Just an overall feeling. After almost 2 years, he is either someone who doesn't want to explore his feelings, or he just doesn't feel on a deeper level so there's nothing to explore.

 

I know that I put it off talking to him because it might push him away. I was scared because I wanted a relationship with him. Because he provided a lot of what I want and value, it was easy to delude myself into thinking he cared more than he actually did.

 

As for taking it personally, I don't because (to my knowledge) he's never loved someone before (he told me he doesn't know the difference between like and love), so how can it be me? My guess is that I probably tried harder than anyone he's ever been with.

[Christos]

Some people think, that they are immortal and can wait forever to make decisions for their future. That goes to You First...

 

The unreasonable think to do, is to expect a 33 year old woman, who can't wait forever to have kids and a family, to wait until the 43 year old man thinks about it...

 

Seriously?

 

We aren't talking about marrying right now, but even discuss about it and making a clear plan for it?

 

No, she has to move on.

[bluefeather]

He was not affectionate and I knew that I may never even hear the words we all want to hear, "I love you".

 

 

 

Case closed. Find love.

[Felicite]

Nights are the worst. And being just over 24 hours post breakup, this one absolutely blows. I haven't spent a Saturday night alone at my place in almost 2 years. My body is completely rejecting the change in routine. I am not supposed to be here.

 

I went out with a good friend tonight. In the loft of a farmhouse we watched a group of musicians play folk songs on a wide number of instruments. Singing, laughter, and happiness abound. From a comfy couch, glass of red wine in hand, I took it all in. It was quaint, and it was perfect. It felt like what I imagine home would feel like (my apartment has never felt like home to me). Simplicity, openness, individuality, and acceptance. I loved every moment of it. By the end though, I felt the classic chest tension. The "distractions are now over" moment.

 

I lost it on the car ride home and am still a mess now. What I want is not grand, it is not unrealistic. But here I am, still without it and alone, again. I don't understand.

 

I’m sorry you‘re hurting so bad ScienceGal

 

 

Ι hope it gets better for you. I’m dealing sort of the same situation and it’s very hard.

You deserved to have some answers, even for the fact why he didn’t say I love you after one year, which you should have asked him how he felt.

This guy seems to apply to the saying “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free’’.

Maybe he needs some time to figure things out but even if he comes back, don’t accept anything less than ‘’I love you and want to share my life with you in the future’’ or anything that doesn’t include the things you want to live in your life.

You don’t deserve anything less, you ‘ve been patient (and silent) enough and you must know what his intentions are towards you.

Try to move on and focus on yourself, and not to cave in and pursue him, because it ‘ll make you feel worse and delay your healing..

Post here whenever you feel sad, it helps a lot

 

I wish you feel better soon enough

[ScienceGal]

Thanks, Felicite.

 

At this point, I don't need answers. I believe he gave me the best he had, which was he just had a general feeling that moving in together wasn't the right move. I've thought about the cow and milk idiom before, but I really don't feel that was the case. He was truly fulfilled with what we had, and that's ok. I spoke up because I wanted more and he knew he couldn't do it. At the end of last year he was clear that he didn't know how to define or articulate his feelings. It was my mistake to stay. He put his cards on the table then and I refused to see them for what they were. I lied, to myself.

 

As for the possibility that he will come back? Oh, why do we do that to ourselves? We all seem to entertain that notion at some point during the grieving process. Last night I was thinking about this. Since he has never been with anyone as long as me, there has to be a void right? He has to be feeling at least a fraction of the heartache I am, right? Wrong. In reality he is probably fine. He thought for a week and still chose to leave. He was calm when he did it and when I hugged him goodbye, his heartbeat slow and normal. I will try to stop fantasizing about him reaching out, but it's hard. Today is only day 3.

 

Minor setback. Last night one of his friends messaged me to ask if we were out and about. My face went numb. I wanted to write, "he broke up with me on Friday, you'll have to message him if you want to get together". But, I didn't. I quickly deleted it. I don't want to engage with any of his friends, and once this friend finds out, he'll understand why I was silent.

 

I am going to try to get out for a run today. I have a race coming up soon, but haven't been able to get out for the past few days. I feel tired and weak. I haven't eaten or slept properly, but I am doing the best I can and I have to at least try to run. He was very supportive of my running, and even he wouldn't want to see me crumble like this. I have to get it together.

Edited September 7, 2015 by ScienceGal

[Els]

Hi ScienceGal,

 

Sorry to hear about that. I definitely think you were right to bail given that he didn't want the same things that you do. I wouldn't necessarily jump to conclusions about Aspergers etc based on that alone, but he's definitely not the right guy for you, and that alone is a very good reason to call it quits.

 

Hoping for quick healing for you.

[Gus Grimly]

I lied, to myself

We've all done that. It's hard to admit after you've spent so much time building a healthy relationship to just give up on it. We want to fight for things we believe in. You believed in him and that's okay. If you knew the details of my last relationship you'd seriously think I need my head examined. I know all about lying to oneself.

 

Day 3. You seem to be holding up pretty well or at least showing a brave face. I'm glad to see you active on the forum, giving advice and supporting others. It's therapeutic and can also be enlightening. I'm rooting for you. I've got your back!

[Maggie4]

If he's 43 and this is his longest relationship, that's a red flag. You did the right thing, you gave it a chance, then you acted, and now you know. I dated a man for just less than a year, he was the perfect gentleman, very caring, but I felt something was missing. Turned out he was not straight.