Looking for a little support (**Updated**)

[ScienceGal]

He left me almost 6 weeks ago (it was very civil, he was just emotionally unavailable and didn't want to take the relationship to the next level).

 

Today I get an event invite from not just one, but two of his friends. One is a private party we attended last year together, one is a more public event but it specifically said "I hope to see you and Ex".

 

How the heck can you not tell your closest friends that you broke up with your girlfriend? Has he been living in a hole?

 

I've been feeling a lot better lately, I even have a couple dates this weekend. But this all gave me the numb body, awful belly feelings. Seeing us still referred to as a couple. Ugh. The feelings will pass.

 

I know I shouldn't care, I just needed to let it out. Thanks for listening.

[singme2sleep]

That would bother me too, I think it's interesting that after 6 weeks he hasn't told his friends. Did you tell the friends who sent the emails that you two aren't together anymore?

[ScienceGal]

That would bother me too, I think it's interesting that after 6 weeks he hasn't told his friends. Did you tell the friends who sent the emails that you two aren't together anymore?

 

I told the first one because she is a great person and I consider her a friend. She was shocked and made it clear she wants to remain friends. She asked me out to dinner.

 

The second one I didn't bother replying to. In my opinion, that's for Ex to deal with. When he shows up places without me, they can ask him where I am.

[singme2sleep]

Sounds like you're handling it well. Good for you.

[SoThatHappened]

I even have a couple dates this weekend.

You're dealing with a fresh heartbreak, and I'm all for moving on in any way possible, but my experience of dating while heartbroken is a bad one for a couple reasons:

 

#1 You may get rejected by a person you're attracted to because there's no spark between you two due to your shattered heart. Getting rejected while heartbroken is the opposite of fun.

 

#2 You may hurt someone who falls for you while your heart is completely somewhere else.

 

Just my experience.

 

Unless you're open and up-front with them, which can also make them run for the hills... that is unless you just want to be physical. Most guys would jump on that (pardon the pun) in a heartbeat.

[ScienceGal]

Thank you.

 

I do understand what you're saying, it's something I've thought a lot about. I'm sad in the sense that I want a committed relationship and wish it could've happened with Ex. But, I've accepted that not only did it not happen, but it's not going to happen with him. I wouldn't describe what I am feeling as heartbreak, it's more of a deep disappointment (in Ex and in myself).

 

I just feel the pull to move on and date. I'm hoping to just have fun with it and eventually open myself up to the possibility of being in a relationship with someone new, whether it be one of these new guys or not. I hope no one gets hurt, but that's a risk that exists each time we put ourselves out there. And no, I do not want only a sexual relationship.

 

One of the guys knows my situation and I plan on being up front with the other. Honesty is always a good place to start.

[SoThatHappened]

I think you're going about it correctly, but my previous warnings still stand.

 

I've been heartbroken and tried to date. Found an absolutely beautiful girl who found me attractive while inside I was a mess.

 

It lasted 5 dates, until she finally just told me, "Sorry, there's no spark."

 

She was right, as I was a mess. I screwed up a great opportunity because I couldn't reciprocate what she wanted.

 

She wanted to jump my bones after I took her out to dinner and picked up a futon for her friend (because I have a truck). i might as well high-fived her while she wanted to stick her tongue down my throat.

 

Next morning, she wanted nothing to do with me.

 

Insult to injury.

 

BUT, she was a great distraction!

 

Live how you want. You'll likely learn a valuable lesson or you'll find someone better while busted up. Win-win, but the first win is harder to take while heartbroken.

[BattleBee]

Dear Science gal,

 

I did not read the previous posts, but I have been in your shoes before. I will give you my perspective that have helped many of my friends go through their breakups as I have myself. This is what I have learned through my experience:

 

Break ups are painful, that is true. But you can learn from this pain and grow. Right now you may be feeling so down that life has lost its meaning. Without meaning, what's the point of living?

 

So I invite you to see this break up as a challenge. I want you to embrace this pain, and become a stronger version of yourself by working through this challenge. Life will always be painful, but that is how we grow as individuals. Do not forget that. It is something I have learned myself. If you go through with this challenge, you will find meaning within this experience.

 

So, work on yourself, grow as a person. Go do the things that hold meaning to you, and live a MEANINGFUL life. Do not try to obtain happiness, as that is impossible. Happiness, sadness etc are emotions that temporarily fill people up, before being replaced with another emotion based on experience. But if you live with meaning, then you will find many pleasurable things in life that will automatically bring you happiness if not fulfillment.

 

Remember, without pain, we cannot experience pleasure. So endure this pain, and I guarantee you that you will find pleasure in the future.

 

Be strong girl, you will find someone better in the future. Someone with the same core values as you. But most importantly, someone who can make you a stronger person.

 

I look forward to your improvement.

 

- Battlebee

[ScienceGal]

Well, I went on both dates.

 

Guy 1: I found him attractive. He is very easy to be around and talk to, but I just didn't feel the elusive "it". He messaged me shortly after, wanting to get together again. I was honest about not feeling a spark and said that it's either our connection or perhaps I am just not ready. He wants to be friends and mentioned that maybe it would develop into more in the future. My gut says no, hell no. I'm not looking for more friends, and I do not want to be someone who hurts him more. Warning signs for me, his ex was his only real relationship and he is still healing from the breakup (they split 2 years ago). He seems fragile and admitted that he is easily hurt. He has been in his city for a couple years but has not made any friends (even if I was looking for friends, I cannot be his one friend!), he does not want children (I'm still considering having kids if I met the right partner). I need to message him and tell him, somehow nicely, that I am not looking for friends and that I wish him the best.

 

Guy 2: I immediately found him attractive, more so than guy 1. Within 5 minutes I was laughing (he is funny) and felt at ease. Our dinner date ending up lasting over 3 hours and it felt like no time had passed at all. We talked about some light subjects and a couple serious ones (marriage and kids). We're on the same page and feel the same way about many things. He hugged me goodbye and within 15 minutes had messaged me. We're going to go out again. So, I do not think it's a matter of not being ready, guy 1 just isn't for me.

 

I feel happy and excited. I realize it can blow up in my face, but that's always the risk. Neither one of us are looking to rush anything, and he knows my situation. So, I am going to see where it goes.

 

Thanks everyone!

[makemineamac]

So encouraged to see how you're doing here too.

 

I stayed in a relationship with someone who was emotionally unavailable for almost all of our 9 years together, so it's so great you were able to deal with it before moving in together, as I did not.

 

Instead, I 'rolled' with it. With someone who truly doesn't even know what 'love' is. Total life suck. And now, it's over. I'm still very sad and confused, but it's over.

 

And you're doing better, you're not all the way there yet, but reading through everything here, you're open to whatever and progressing. That is fantastic. Way to go.

 

Andrew

[ScienceGal]

I met with guy#2 two more times this week and both times were great. I feel relaxed around him and genuinely enjoy his company. We've had a good mix of serious and light conversation. I'm trying to be open and optimistic, but also trying to not get too excited too soon.

 

In the three times we've met, we've only hugged goodbye (always initiated by him). I feel sort of neutral about this. On one hand, I have no problem taking the physical side slowly, and that might be the best route for the long term, but I am definitely interested in more than friendship. So, on the other hand, I am slightly worried about becoming only friends. He messages throughout the day each day and is a little flirty. I don't get the impression he is interested in being just friends, I get the impression he is just taking things slowly. Since he has been following my lead (i.e. after my breakup, he waited until I was ready to meet), I'm wondering if I should make the first move? Or, maybe I could give better verbal and physical cues? I don't want to hop in the sack right away, but longer hugs and some kisses would be nice.

 

Thoughts?

[Simon Phoenix]

Just kiss the dude. We love it when women initiate. If you want it, go for it. If he resists, then cut bait.

[ScienceGal]

Just kiss the dude. We love it when women initiate. If you want it, go for it. If he resists, then cut bait.

 

I'm bad at this. But, I've done it once before and it turned out ok

[dumbass2]

I'm bad at this. But, I've done it once before and it turned out ok

 

Absolutely nothing wrong with the woman taking a little initiative. Do it again if you're feeling it! Better to find out now if he's feeling the same because as a guy, If I'm not feeling the physical side of things after a few dates, I'm probably never going to with that person.