Looking for a little support (**Updated**)

[ScienceGal]

We've all done that. It's hard to admit after you've spent so much time building a healthy relationship to just give up on it. We want to fight for things we believe in. You believed in him and that's okay. If you knew the details of my last relationship you'd seriously think I need my head examined. I know all about lying to oneself.

 

Day 3. You seem to be holding up pretty well or at least showing a brave face. I'm glad to see you active on the forum, giving advice and supporting others. It's therapeutic and can also be enlightening. I'm rooting for you. I've got your back!

 

Thanks, Gus. I am putting on a brave face for sure. I'm still wandering somewhere in denial.

 

This isn't my first go 'round on this site. I am hurting now, but I was beyond obliterated when I came here years ago. It is therapeutic to receive and give advice because not only does it show we're not alone in our hurting, we get to see that other good people (potential partner material) are out there. Not that posters are planning to meet anyone from this site, it's just that after a split sometimes the world feels so small and it's hard to imagine such people exist. It restores faith.

[ScienceGal]

He answered my email today regarding getting my belongings back. It was short and to the point. One item is large, so in the email I asked if he wouldn't mind transporting it next weekend. He agreed to setting up a time. When I got the response my gut said "get it over with now". I quickly asked if he could just do it today. He said he'd prefer next weekend. I don't know why he preferred next weekend (not letting my mind make any hope-laced assumptions). I wrote back and said if there were any way he could do it today or even tonight I would really appreciate it because I am really hurting and just want it to be over. He said he would bring it over immediately.

 

It's an item I was going to have to sell, but my good friend who I was spending the day with out of town said she would store it for me (which is great!). I wrote and asked if he wouldn't just mind dropping it at her place. He did, but I learned that he was already at my place with it. Why does he have to be so nice? He even asked where at her house I would like him to leave it. WTF! He even forgot something and wrote that he would get it to me. I can't even be angry with him.

 

I want to fast forward a few months. I hate this so much,

Edited September 7, 2015 by ScienceGal

[Oregon_Dude]

I wrote back and said if there were any way he could do it today or even tonight I would really appreciate it because I am really hurting and just want it to be over.

You're doing the best you can, so don't beat yourself up about this - but in the future, don't mention any emotion you are feeling, such as "really hurting". Don't give him the satisfaction. Just stick to the facts, that you need your stuff. Protect your heart by giving him as little as possible.

[ScienceGal]

You're doing the best you can, so don't beat yourself up about this - but in the future, don't mention any emotion you are feeling, such as "really hurting". Don't give him the satisfaction. Just stick to the facts, that you need your stuff. Protect your heart by giving him as little as possible.

 

Thanks.,.. trying.

 

Typically, I agree about not revealing emotion. In this case, I know he feels genuinely bad that he hurt me and that's why he brought my items immediately. He is getting zero satisfaction.

 

I guess it was the last opportunity to remind him of the pain he caused, and I took it. As if it will make a difference.

[bluefeather]

You're doing the best you can, so don't beat yourself up about this - but in the future, don't mention any emotion you are feeling, such as "really hurting". Don't give him the satisfaction. Just stick to the facts, that you need your stuff. Protect your heart by giving him as little as possible.

 

Sorry, but in this case I would disagree. He doesn't seem like a huge jerk that would feel good if he knew she was hurt.

 

It just seems like they were not on the same page and she broke up with him. If I was actually making the effort to deliver stuff after breaking up, it would feel really ****ty if she acted like she wasn't in any pain at all.

[Gus Grimly]

Sorry, but in this case I would disagree. He doesn't seem like a huge jerk that would feel good if he knew she was hurt.

Whatever the case may be, his past behavior in consideration of her feelings as a mature adult woman, with needs of her own, never seemed to bother him. I'm assuming seeing her in this condition will have diminishing returns.

 

No one is saying he's a bad person. He just lacks a few essential ingredients that make a compatible partner for her. I mean, 2 years and he never said "I love you" to her?

[bluefeather]

Whatever the case may be, his past behavior in consideration of her feelings as a mature adult woman, with needs of her own, never seemed to bother him. I'm assuming seeing her in this condition will have diminishing returns.

 

No one is saying he's a bad person. He just lacks a few essential ingredients that make a compatible partner for her. I mean, 2 years and he never said "I love you" to her?

 

I understand your point, but when someone says "don't give him the satisfaction," that is implying that they would enjoy it. That is what I was responding to.

 

I believe that what ScienceGal did was probably the right thing to do for both of them, if there is such a thing as right here. But I do not know much of the story except from the few paragraphs here, so I am also willing to believe that the guy is probably hurt as well. That's all I'm saying.

[ScienceGal]

I understand your point, but when someone says "don't give him the satisfaction," that is implying that they would enjoy it. That is what I was responding to.

 

I believe that what ScienceGal did was probably the right thing to do for both of them, if there is such a thing as right here. But I do not know much of the story except from the few paragraphs here, so I am also willing to believe that the guy is probably hurt as well. That's all I'm saying.

 

I don't think he is hurt.

 

He is not a horrible person, but he did know I wanted more. I made many comments over the months. He has very little relationship experience + being non-verbal = silence, avoidance, whatever you want to call it. He did like what we had, so I'm sure he wasn't thrilled to let it go. I do take responsibility for not being direct and demanding more information earlier. I knew better.

 

He was wrong, I was wrong. And now it's the end. I hate it, but I can't change it.

 

And now, from out of nowhere, Bonnie Raitt's "I can't make you love me" is in my head. Sigh.

Edited September 8, 2015 by ScienceGal

[bluefeather]

Well, it probably won't do any good to wonder about if he cared or didn't. :/

 

At least you were as clear as possible with what you wanted. Now find someone who wants it too.

[bluefeather]

p.s. I'd never heard that song before... what a sad song!

[ScienceGal]

I messaged an ex (not the one from this thread).

 

I had the most chemistry with this ex and he is one of the most emotionally aware men I've ever been with. Our relationship didn't work, but we both care for one another. He's reached out to me before and we've chatted since the split, never met up again though. He's a good person and I guess I wanted to have a little of what I've been missing (a truly caring conversation). We chatted for ~20 minutes and it was really nice. He's doing well, and seeing someone. Not gonna lie, I did have hopes of maybe meeting up to talk... but somewhat glad that is not an option. That would lead me down the wrong path (was the best sex of my life though!)

 

I know. I am trying to escape this awful feeling. For tonight, it worked. I was glad to catch up with him and am happy he's doing well. And I'm glad to have my belongings back. Sigh. Onward.

[bluefeather]

That's a lot better than the time I messaged an ex. momentary stupidity on my part.

 

cheers. to new beginnings.

[ScienceGal]

 

Oh yes. I know this song well.

[ScienceGal]

Love is an verb (active / action), not a noun! Although he has not said it, he has demonstrated throughout the 2 year relationship and still does after the break up.

 

No, he did not love me.

 

And from now on, for me, love needs to be shown and spoken. I won't compromise that again.

[sillygirl123]

I think that sometimes it takes some distance to realize what another person truly means to you. Hopefully he will do some thinking during this time and that you can work it out. Good luck.

[catlady11]

I heard this song yesterday and even though I've heard it hundreds of times before now it makes me weep

 

[ScienceGal]

I think that sometimes it takes some distance to realize what another person truly means to you. Hopefully he will do some thinking during this time and that you can work it out. Good luck.

 

Thanks. I think the fear of letting go can make us hope for this. In reality, when someone leaves, they are ready to do so. I am still in the stage where I would love for him to come back, but that's because I'm still entertaining the fantasy that he can be all I wanted him to be. He can't. I try to drive that silly dream out of my head, but it's only day 5 and I'm still adjusting. Hopefully, in a few weeks I will have let go of any hope.

[ScienceGal]

I heard this song yesterday and even though I've heard it hundreds of times before now it makes me weep

 

 

"Against All Odds" is the saddest song I've ever heard. Phil knows what he's talking about!

[ScienceGal]

16 days since the split.

13 NC (we only messaged to coordinate returning items).

Tough weekend for me.

 

I am a runner, and coordinated a race this weekend. Ex had registered before we split and I was feeling uneasy about whether he would show up or not. He didn't, but sent one of his female friends to run for him. I couldn't tell if she knew we broke up. She said "ex said he couldn't make it, and that I could run in his place".. I smiled and got her what she needed and moved on to the next person in line. I ended up running too, and she tried to run and talk with me. I was with one of my friends through, and got separated from her. Afterwards, she came and stood near me and chatted for a while. I was nice (she's a good person and I like her), but I felt awkward and it left me with a heavy heart. I wish he hadn't sent one of his friends, it was a reminder and interaction I didn't need.

 

He isn't coming back. He didn't love me. The sooner I accept it, the better.

Edited September 21, 2015 by ScienceGal

[ScienceGal]

Last night was the worst night by far.

 

I worked 10 hours, went for a 5 mile run and then met up with friends for dinner. As soon as I got home though, a wave of sadness came over me and I just broke down. My apartment felt so cold and empty. I cried, for hours. I felt so hopeless and alone, and as though I will never find the right match for me. I felt ungrateful because I have a good life. I've worked and continue to work hard for everything I have. I'm agnositic, but I prayed, just in case. I thought about my best friend who passed a decade ago and how different my life would be if he were still here. I wished I had been the one to die. Yeah, I got that low. Finally, I fell asleep.

 

When I woke up this morning, I had to call out from work. My face looked as though I had been assaulted and my head was pounding from dehydration. I don't know if that will be the worst night of this healing process, but I truly hope so.

 

The sun is shining today. So, there's at least that.

[Yummm]

You're thinking very rationally and doing extremely well for 2 weeks post BU.

 

Stay strong girl! You deserve better, you will find love again.

 

Hugs and positive energy xox:love:

[ScienceGal]

Thanks, Yummm.

 

I feel like my soul has been sucked out. I'm in zombie mode. I hope this phase doesn't last long.

[bluefeather]

Last night was the worst night by far.

 

I worked 10 hours, went for a 5 mile run and then met up with friends for dinner. As soon as I got home though, a wave of sadness came over me and I just broke down. My apartment felt so cold and empty. I cried, for hours. I felt so hopeless and alone, and as though I will never find the right match for me. I felt ungrateful because I have a good life. I've worked and continue to work hard for everything I have. I'm agnositic, but I prayed, just in case. I thought about my best friend who passed a decade ago and how different my life would be if he were still here. I wished I had been the one to die. Yeah, I got that low. Finally, I fell asleep.

 

When I woke up this morning, I had to call out from work. My face looked as though I had been assaulted and my head was pounding from dehydration. I don't know if that will be the worst night of this healing process, but I truly hope so.

 

The sun is shining today. So, there's at least that.

 

 

 

Holy **** girl! Sounds like you got it bad that night! Sorry Ok, maybe you have had all of that emotion built up inside this whole time. You might have been holding it back, and the work, plus the exercise might have tired your ability to hold it back any longer. You kept it sealed for the social gathering, but once you were alone, boom. It came rushing out like a busted dam.

 

That might have been necessary for you to heal. So you are agnostic, it's still cool that you were able to take a chance anyway and pray. I hope it was able to help at least a little bit. Just as a side note, the idea of God being in everything fascinates me. (not trying to turn this into a religious discussion people, I just love those ideas!)

 

Soak up that sun. Get in touch with that nature. It's all there for you

[ScienceGal]

4 weeks tonight. I still feel like it isn't real. How did I get here again?

 

My pain is larger than my most recent relationship. It is a culmination of all of them, all of my failures and poor choices. I really thought I made a good partner choice this time. I suppose it was a better choice, but clearly I still have work to do. How did I abandon myself yet again, in hopes that the outcome would be different? It's pure lunacy.

 

I'm disappointed in myself, but also give myself credit where it is due. I could still be with him, but I pushed for what I want (what I deserve) and I didn't back down. I haven't reached out to him, and I won't. I am doing all I can to move forward. I already exercise quite a bit, but am trying to work on my mental/spiritual development though yoga and meditation. I've never been on a real vacation, so I booked one with a few girlfriends for the beginning of next year. I am trying to nourish my heart and soul.

 

Life will move on, even if it hurts for a while.

 

I am worthy of love and belonging, just as we all are. I don't regret the love I gave to Ex. And, I won't let his easy dismissal of it prevent me from giving it to someone new in the future. I know what I want and I know what I offer. I just hope the next time I decide to make a commitment, it is with someone who is truly worthy of it.

 

For now, more time will be spent loving myself.

[ScienceGal]

5 weeks tonight. I feel a little restless and stuck. I feel like I am still in the cage of the last relationship and I want to break free. I know he isn't going to have an emotional awakening and come back, so what's the point of sitting here feeling held down and confined? In the spirit of moving forward, I have to believe that the guy I am supposed to be with is somewhere out there.

 

I decided to reopen the online dating profile I made years ago but never really used. I tweaked the information where needed, but did not post a photo yet. I thought that would be a good first step in moving forward. I don't want loads of "hey baby, sexy, insert other inappropriate pet name" messages. I also don't want to put a huge amount of time into it right now, so figured if anyone wrote to me, it'd be someone who is doing so strictly from my profile. And if no one did, well, at least I'm out there in some way.

 

One guy wrote to me, and we've written back and forth a few times. He seems really down to earth and like someone I would get along with. After four messages he finally asked my name (he's patient). He has no clue what I look like and hasn't asked (he's cute from what I can tell from his pictures). He already asked me to meet for coffee, but I said I'd like to chat a little more first. I know this cyber back and forth can't go on long or it gets weird, so I might try to meet him next weekend.

 

There has also been a friend of a friend messaging me. He started weeks ago when it was way too soon after my split, and he knew that. He keeps checking in weekly to ask how I am doing. He seems nice too, so maybe I'll meet him too.

 

Inhale. Exhale. Stretch. Life must go on. And, I've never really dated. This might be my time to start.

 

I think all the difficult relationships I've been through have made me more of a realist. This last breakup wasn't so bad, so that helped in healing. And, I don't want to live in the past. What hurt I have left will just have to ride for a while. I will own it and be honest about it too.