Do they ever come back after a break

[Blue73]

Not to repeat the question that has been asked on here thousands of times but.....

 

Do the MM/OW ever come back?

Quick history: 2.5 year affair- 2x a month for full weeks, multiple vacations per year. Daily hour long conversations, long distance, multiple texts/emails all day...etc etc. etc.

I wanted a break because he was putting me on back burner alot and comunication went down and stopped making a big effort anymore. (typical MM behavior right?????) He said he was acting like that because his wife was starting to show him some attention and he was feeling guilty. I said lets take a break from our relationship for a while, go enjoy her attention because you dont know how long its going to last because when school starts she will get all stressed out again. He then tells me he lost the strong feelings for me. Between double life and wife his feelings for me reduced.

So for the last few weeks, he still doesnt know how he will feel in the future and if he will want to resume A. He still loves me but not strong enough to think about some day resuming?

 

We have spoken several times, he has been depressed, misses us, cant eat etc etc. BUT still doesnt know how he will feel about if he will want to continue in the future???

I just wanted a break!!! I didnt want to break up and I dont know if thats what we are doing. If your heart hurts that much, wouldnt you know in your heart that you would want to resume at some point- just maybe not now? You would wait until your rested from living this kind of life because lets face it for those in an A..they are draining!

 

thanks... just curious.

Edited September 5, 2015 by Blue73
changed wording

[Grapesofwrath]

I think the more important question is whether this A is working for you. You asked for a break. You are getting one. If you want the break to be over, then communicate that to him. Right now, you are letting him control everything. Talk to him and listen to his answer. h

[sandylee1]

Seems like he's saying he wants to work on his marriage and sees the good in his wife. Sounds like he doesn't want to get back in the affair and feels guilty.

 

The thing is you asked for a break while the kids were on vacation, kind of hoping his wife would be stressed out with the kids and he'd come back to you - while she was doing what a mother needs to.

 

Rather than be a gap filler, this could be your ideal opportunity to get out of the A for good.

 

Is he going to be leaving her? So you can have an open relationship? If not why allow yourself to be kept on hold like this?

Do you want kids of your own? You may have some, sorry if that doesn't apply to you.

 

I know love is a very strong emotion, but I think everyone deserves a shot at happiness in an authentic relationship and you're no different - you deserve it too.

[Blue73]

Clarification.. This "arrangement". Was mutual, I am married also and have children but cannot end my marriage for various reasons.

 

Also, I did communicate that the intensity of us was wearing us down as an affair couple and lets take a break to rest with a date to resume. He said I don't know if I will have those strong feelings since him and wife were starting to get along again. In my opinion, because of the affair.

[Popsicle]

I'm almost certain my xMM went through a depression after I withdrew from him, but guess what? All that is over now. It's been so long that I'm sure he is fine now. So, the moral of the story is that time heals. If you both keep at it, you will both accept it. I recommend complete and total NC though.

[Sassy Girl]

Not meaning to be harsh but it sounds like he's just not that into you anymore. He was putting you on the back burner before the break. I suspect you hoped that a 'break' would make him miss you and with the push-pull of affairs he would come back more engaged than ever. But it's done the opposite.

 

Knowing what I know of 'arrangements' between married people and of MM, it wouldn't surprise me to learn he has a new OW. Had you considered that possibility?

[Blue73]

 

Knowing what I know of 'arrangements' between married people and of MM, it wouldn't surprise me to learn he has a new OW. Had you considered that possibility?

 

I have considered this, he of course swore on his kids there was not another. I know they all can do this but he takes his kids seriously than most people I have ever met and I was actually shocked when he did it because to him even pulling them into that thought is unimaginable. I'm not ignorant to the possibility though.

 

Most mm who fade are not into mistress anymore, but I circle back to my original question, how often do they come back when they are done being "bored".

[Lurkeraspect]

I have considered this, he of course swore on his kids there was not another. I know they all can do this but he takes his kids seriously than most people I have ever met and I was actually shocked when he did it because to him even pulling them into that thought is unimaginable. I'm not ignorant to the possibility though.

 

Most mm who fade are not into mistress anymore, but I circle back to my original question, how often do they come back when they are done being "bored".

 

Blue,

 

His swearing on his children as some affirmation of love or the continuance of this affair is shallow at best. Most everyone who has children would say they are the most important thing in the world. Most however, wouldn't swear to their part time mistress that there was no other woman or man they were carrying on with. I agree with the other poster who (summarily) stated that he's moved on. He's over you. It's been 2 years, you're married, staying married, he is too. The blush is off the bloom. He may come back when it's convenient for him, but this isn't going to be a life altering or life changing event for him. In other words; sounds like he's willing to sacrifice exactly what you are, which is absolutely nothing.

[Sassy Girl]

I have considered this, he of course swore on his kids there was not another. I know they all can do this but he takes his kids seriously than most people I have ever met and I was actually shocked when he did it because to him even pulling them into that thought is unimaginable. I'm not ignorant to the possibility though.

 

Most mm who fade are not into mistress anymore, but I circle back to my original question, how often do they come back when they are done being "bored".

 

Go on the infidelity board and ask The BS's how many times they heard they waywards swear "on their children"? Plenty.

 

Cheaters lie. You know he's a liar. He lies to the mother of his children. Why wouldn't he lie to you to?

 

You're being naive.

 

He's not even coming back for the sex right now. Like lurker said. You have nothing.

[Blue73]

Thank you everyone for your comments. Obviously right now I'm hurting really bad and thought this was a forum for supporting others who have gone through this. I might be on the wrong forum or maybe offended some people.. My apologies if I did. Was only looking for some support during this dark time.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thank you everyone for your comments. Obviously right now I'm hurting really bad and thought this was a forum for supporting others who have gone through this. I might be on the wrong forum or maybe offended some people.. My apologies if I did. Was only looking for some support during this dark time.

 

 

Blue73, I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now and I understand the hurt of loving someone you don't have access to since I lost a husband I loved deeply through divorce.

 

I believe posters haven't meant to ignore your pain and have only tried to help you realize that to continue on with this man that you care so deeply for will only bring your further heartache.

 

Please know that we are all trying only to support you in what would be for your long term comfort and emotional health.

 

As difficult as it is now, it's in your best interest to disconnect with a committed person and focus on your own marriage.

 

Are you a spiritual person? When I went through my divorce I found great comfort in reading the Bible and prayer. Thousands of people have received great strength, healing and comfort from God through spending time this way each day. This may be the furthest thing from your mind and you may think it useless but if you will try it I believe you'll be very surprised at how it will change your perspective and your desires for all that is unhealthy.

 

God bless you and please take this post seriously so that you can benefit and thrive in your life!

[Sassy Girl]

Thank you everyone for your comments. Obviously right now I'm hurting really bad and thought this was a forum for supporting others who have gone through this. I might be on the wrong forum or maybe offended some people.. My apologies if I did. Was only looking for some support during this dark time.

 

I wasn't intending to be harsh. I'm sorry you're hurting. But honestly, I think you're holding onto unrealistic hope. You need to move on. He's not worth it

[Noideanow]

I think he might do what he does, because he is very frustrated with you being with another man, eventhough he himself is with another woman, jealousy is a powerful feeling (and very important) hope you get to focus on making order in your own life, to have a future different from your past, wish you love:)

Edited September 6, 2015 by Noideanow

[privategal]

Oh no way, hes pretty much saying if his wife drops the ball again and doesnt give him enough attention you can MAYBE have some time then but for now I don't care for you and not sure I will?

Total idiot, complete manipulator as he's talking out both sides of his mouth..cant eat...cant sleep...miss us?

Thats code for...heres a little false hope so you keep the door open.

Id be glad this ahole is back to his wife...let her have him cause this is a low blow.

Let him go completely. Keep reading those words he typed. That should flip the switch for you.

[georgia girl]

Blue,

 

I know you are hurting and looking for someone from the outside - ostensibly "objective" - to say not to worry and that this is a standard course of events. Unfortunately, and I say this gently and to speed up your healing process, I think he has fallen out of love with you. It's nothing that you did and nothing about you. Sometimes, relationships just end. One person - for whatever reason - wakes up and doesn't have the same feelings. The switch is just "off". In the end, it doesn't even really matter why - he fell back in love with his wife, he feels guilty, he has a new woman, whatever. The reason doesn't change the outcome.

 

Please, for your own heart's sake, work on letting go as quickly as you can. It will reduce the amount of pain you experience. It may seem hard now, but a month from now, you will be so glad that you did and that you are not still hanging on to hope.

 

I am so sorry you are hurting. Hugs, GG

[GypsyGirl966]

Are you really, really sure you can't escape your own marriage? You sound alone and lonely. So alone and lonely that you are torturing yourself over a MM who was likewise alone and lonely. He is less alone now, and less lonely. Find ways to make yourself less alone and less lonely without him.

[sandylee1]

Aaahhh. I thought you were single but the same applies - kind of.

 

He's reconnected with his wife and whatever void he needed filled before, is being filled by her now , hence he doesn't need you.

 

Will he come back? Sure.........

 

Once she's busy and snowed under with the kids and he sulks like a neglected child.

 

Right now, he feels to guilty to get back into the A and feelings fade after a while of NC. .......I've experienced that.

[Southern Sun]

Hi Blue - I hope you're doing okay.

 

I took a minute to go back and read your old threads because I thought I recalled some things about your history (and your MM's) and I wanted to be sure I was right before I replied.

 

Your MM has had an affair before (one that we know of) and it lasted about two years. I believe you said he was around 4 months out of that one when he started up with you. Who knows whether he's had more than these two affairs. His reason for not starting back up after the break were that he has "lost the strong feelings" for you; but based on his behavior, he had already started losing them (due to his pulling away).

 

Basically, this guy is in affairs for that high. That's what he is getting out of it. It doesn't mean that he didn't feel strongly for you. He obviously did. But he felt strongly for the one before you (I think you knew that he was "in love"). He told you that things got a little complicated (though he put a nicer spin on it, made it look more altruistic. But the reality is, he probably started to lose those strong feelings for her right around the two year mark. And that's not uncommon in relationships. That's about the point we go from all "in love" to CHOOSING to either commit and actually REALLY love someone or move on.

 

Then he fell for you and things felt great for a while. Now the pattern persists, he's falling back down away from his high point, and perhaps the risk is greater than the reward. He's already got a committed partner, what else can he do? The affair relationship can't move forward into the next stage. His high has worn off.

 

Obviously this is just a theory and I could be wrong. It makes me angry for you because this is where, in my opinion, it becomes painfully obvious that he was never thinking of anyone but himself. He got his needs met and now he will take care of himself again, all at the expense of his wife and OW. Again, please don't misinterpret this as me assuming he did not love you. I am sure he did, as much as his self-serving mindset allowed him to. But this is where the rubber meets the road, and real love is thinking more of your loved one than yourself.

 

I hope you will start taking care of yourself. You are the only one who can truly do that.