me understand our feelings?

[Hope Shimmers]

I just don't get this. I don't get it.

 

How do you say you are being faithful and committed to your H when you cheated on him repeatedly when you were ENGAGED? Do you not think that being engaged is a commitment? It is a HUGE commitment.

 

When I get engaged, if that ever happens, you can believe I will be flying high, thinking about nothing but my fiance. Why were you not like that?

 

Why did you get engaged to him and marry him when you were carrying out an affair the entire time? And how is it that you can now justify this as you being "committed" to him?

 

I honestly want to understand this.

[MrBojangles]

What this all boils down to is that you are just another self-entitled person, that wants their cake and eat it too. Seems that you are looking for the slightest reason to run back to your colleague / illicit lover. I pity your poor unawares husband. Little does he know that with the slightest wrong utterance, that his DW will rush to waiting arms of her lover.

 

You speak of loving your husband, and says that he's the one you want to be with, then in the next breath saying you can't get this colleague out of your mind. I'm sorry, but my take on those contradictory statements is that you are simply acting like you are spoiled and self-entitled. Nothing more, nothing less!

[ShatteredLady]

Part of me is with Hope Shimmers. I find this psychologically fascinating. I truly don't understand! When I was engaged Brad Pitt could of spent those 6 months writing love sonnets to me & doing a striptease in my garden & I wouldn't of noticed! The 'One last shag before I go & get married & then I'm a committed wife who just obsesses over & drinks coffee with her lover' is so far out of my realm of comprehension.... Why? Why did you get married while having sex with this man in between choosing your dress & designing your cake? Is it like the old cliche of a man having sex with some loose woman to 'sow his wild oats one more time before getting the old ball & chain? But you're still thinking about this other man!! It should be your honeymoon phase. This is a perverse foundation for a marriage. I think you're so much more screwed-up & confused than you will allow yourself to admit. I'm sorry. Is this about your now husbands behavior when you first got together? Was that really painful? Has it damaged you? Do you have a horrible history in relationships? Are your parents still together? The more I think about this the more disturbing it is.

 

I hate to think of anyone constructing a life of misery & unimaginable pain inflicted on others. AND NOW your other man is getting engaged!! He's so messed-up over this he can repeatedly have sex with you but can't sleep the night & cries because he feels so guilty???!?!? ....AND keeps coming back for more!!

 

You asked for some help in understanding all of this....I can't even start!

[LivingWaterPlease]

dancinginthedark, you have a legitimate issue that you have misinterpreted and mishandled.

 

This is a vastly different perspective than anyone else here has offered you and would be ignored by 90% of the population as seemingly too simplistic to matter in your life but it is truth and if you embrace it you will have the answer to your dilemma.

 

Each of us has within us a God-shaped void. People try to fill it with all kinds of things, many of which are damaging addictions, but God only can fill it when we begin a close relationship with Him through prayer and reading of His Word, the Bible.

 

You're trying to fill this void with your AP (or former AP, whichever) because he seems to be able to connect with you a little more deeply and satisfactorily than your husband seems to you to be able to. If you were to be with your AP in a committed relationship you would soon learn to your surprise that he can't fill it completely either.

 

The reason why some people become serial cheaters or go from relationship to relationship is because they're searching for a depth of relationship and connection only God can provide.

 

There is also an element to your situation that needs to be addressed and that is that you have damaged yourself deeply by becoming involved with a committed person while you yourself are committed to someone else and as a result you need healing that only God can provide for you. And He will do this as you get to know Him.

 

It's possible you also need healing from childhood issues. Those, too, will be taken care of as you journey in a deep relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

 

I realize this is not a popular perspective and may possibly be discounted by most.

 

However, give it a try! Get connected to God by reading the Bible (begin with the book of John in the NT, or Psalms, as a suggestion) Ask God to guide you as you read it. This is the way you develop a deep relationship with God that will complement your relationship with your husband and enhance it, not destroy it the way a relationship with your colleague will do.

 

Tell God you want to be true to your husband and He will give you a fulfilling relationship with your husband that isn't possible to have with your AP. Since He created the institution of marriage He can bless it and cause it to thrive.

 

If you don't do this chances are great that you'll end up with a broken marriage and a life of heartache from going from relationship to relationship seeking fulfillment and depth of connection that can only be found in God.

 

Even as I type this I realize it may be futile to post it because it seems most people consider this too simplistic a solution to be effective. But, guaranteed it is a profound answer and will solve all of your problems as you take the time and make the effort to follow through with it!

 

I pray that you will consider it. You will be in my prayers.

Edited September 6, 2015 by LivingWaterPlease

[dancinginthedark]

Hey guys,

Listen I agree with everything you are saying. Trust me, that is not how I imagined being engaged and it really is an old cliche. I agree that I've been so hurt by husbands actions in the beginning that I've built up these negative ideas in my mind which have allowed me to justify my actions.

I know I need to start seeing him in a positive light since he IS an incredible person. YES the things that have happened in the relationship HAVE been devastating. YES I understand sacrifice in love as I have done that in my relationship since day 1! You are only hearing a snippet of a story. my husband WAS extremely selfish and narcissistic just until the engagement. After that, He just changed completely becoming so caring and giving. He says I taught him that and he didn't want to lose me. It hasn't been so easy for me to accept his change when I had alot of festered hurt that he never took responsibility for. Ive been dying to move back home with my family but he refuses to go yet I've moved here to be with him amd it will be a much better opportunity for him to work where im from.

It hasn't been easy making friends either and I've had to learn an entirely new language so there's been sacrifice from all levels-

 

Maybe what I did was revenge, maybe it was from heartbreak. I found it refreshing to meet someone who could understand me, that's all. I know i took it too far physically and emotionally . I never ever wanted that. The two men are polar opposites and OM reminds me of my long term ex boyfriend who just understood me. I know it's normal for people to disagree but sometimes hubz would disagree on things that truly mattered to me and I took that to heart. For some reason it was and is very important to be understood.

 

I am highly against cheating and always have been. I never imagined this would happen and I know I let this happen. But I have never complained about husband to OM.

I appreciate the advice I'm getting because it's helping me see how awful my thoughts and feelings are. I'm just trying to get a grip on the situation.

[dancinginthedark]

You are completely right. I will take your advice and start to pray more and read the bible. I have always been religious but have lost sight of that in recent years.

[LivingWaterPlease]

You are completely right. I will take your advice and start to pray more and read the bible. I have always been religious but have lost sight of that in recent years.

 

dancing, if you follow through I believe you'll find that you're dancingintheLight!

 

I'm amazed at your response, quite frankly!

 

Go for it!

 

Consistency is key, even if it's just for five minutes a day, make the "daily" a priority!

[TaraMaiden2]

You are completely right. I will take your advice and start to pray more and read the bible. I have always been religious but have lost sight of that in recent years.

 

If you want to do that, fine, go ahead.

But that alone, isn't going to provide the roadmap for you to truly repair and re-generate the marriage you should have.

 

What you need is marriage counselling, and also a hefty session or five, of personal, individual counselling/Therapy.

You can't do this on your own, and running to the presence of a lover (whose own behaviour is, putting it mildly, equally questionable!) for support, understanding, feedback and sympathy, is entirely the wrong way to go about things.

 

God is a great help, sure, and the Bible tells you what to do - but the Bible doesn't always give clear directions on HOW to do it. How to orchestrate, create and generate what you need.

The Bible and God's word are the scaffolding (if you believe in that kind of thing, which personally, I don't) but you need someone professional, equipped and knowledgeable enough to help you put this mess all back together.

 

The fundamental, underpinning, indisputable qualities which go to support a relationship are:

 

 

Communication

Respect.

Trust

 

If one of those is even slightly out of kilter - the remaining two (other legs of this tripod) cannot in and by themselves, sustain the relationship.

 

You do not Communicate effectively with your H.

That is evident.

There is a lack of effective, constructive and productive communication.

And every time you see, meet or even think of your lover - you are lying to your husband about where your focus is. Because he's not getting the total focus he merits. You married him. You committed. That's where your interests should uniquely lie.

 

While you behave like this, it shows a distinct lack of Respect. Both for your H and also for yourself. Self-Respect is essential, it's vital, and your self-Respect and self-esteem seem distinctly lacking here. Ask yourself on a scale of 1 - 100, at what level your self-respect lies. Anything less than 100 should already ring alarm bells.

 

Trust...? Do I even need to 'go there'...?

How are you trustworthy?

How have you behaved in the past?

How are you still thinking?

 

The moment you engaged with your lover, you shattered the Trust your husband had in you, even as your fiance.

You took that Trust and buried it in Bu*llsh*it.

Even without his knowing, the Trust he had - and still has - in you, is a farce, a tragic falsehood, something built on lies, concealment and subterfuge.

He Trusts you implicitly, because you're lying to him and deceiving his honour.

 

If you are truly to rebuild, reconstruct and salvage your marriage - then take a deep breath - You're going to need outside help (Marriage Counselling) and you are going. to. have. to. confess. to - your - husband.

 

You have to re-build on solid ground, and that means Effective, constructive Communication - which WILL entail a confession.

 

If you cannot be 100% honest with the most significant, important and dedicated man in your life, then your whole relationship will be built on the shifting sands of Deceit.

If you're a Biblical babe, then remember that bearing false witness also means withholding the truth.

Not speaking honestly, is as bad as lying.

 

It will take courage, sure.

But this is what you'reaping.

You sowed the seeds of deceit and infidelity.

This is your bitter harvest.

 

Continue withholding and betraying your H in your heart and mind, and your marriage will never be the sacrosanct commitment you purportedly made.

 

Individual therapy - to sort your own screwed-up self-image, and Marriage Counselling, to at least attempt a salvage operation.

 

Yes, your H may not play ball.

Yes, your H may well be incapable of processing and dealing with this, as you might dream and fervently wish he would.

 

Your bananas, honey.

You made this mess.

You have to deal with it, and come what may, you have to suck it up.

But you can't mend this, repair this, re-construct this, on your own.

Because to do so, will simply perpetuate the lie and deceit in your heart.

You will know that what you are trying to redress, will never be balanced - because of the guilty secret you own.

 

By all means, Call on God.

But you need to row away from the rocks.

Edited September 6, 2015 by TaraMaiden2

[Dwade]

I'm only 21 but smdh loyalty is almost non-existent today. First of all, fix your self-esteem and realize the dude only wants sex and he's playing you. Second of all, you keep saying you love your husband and yet, you Did the worst thing to a man by sleeping with another lol no that's not how it works. You should respect your husband and tell him you cheated so he could decide on what to do with you, and stop talking to that colleague fool because you feel excited of something "new". It's fake and you know it, and it's not that hard to cut out someone you don't "love" out of your life by ignoring them you can do it i believe in you.

Edited September 6, 2015 by Dwade

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Personally,, from what you told me, my guess is that you were played like a fiddle.

 

As to what you are feeling, you prefer your relationship to this man over your primary relationship.

 

Your big mistake was getting married.

 

I don't have a solution, but you asked what you were feeling, so there's my answer.

[Winterina]

On some level I do understand you. If he treated you for the first 75% of your relationship by cheating, being narcissistic and selfish, then a lot of resentment must have built inside you. The fact that he now decided to be a decent husband does not magically erase all the hurt he caused.

 

Having said that, you nevertheless made a mistake cheating on him. It neither makes you feel better nor it fixes your marriage.

 

Do you have an urge to tell him? If not, then don't, but make sure you never ever do this to him again. Forget everything and focus on your marriage. You had your revenge and leave it at that, leave it in the past. Stop all the contact with the other guy.

 

Grass is not always greener on the other side and if you spent all your time with this other guy then you would find out one hundred things you did not know about him that would bother you. I promise you that.

 

And BTW your husband was more open minded about Brazilians it seems to me. He is right - it is the way they are, and other cultures are to be respected as they are. They were there for thousands of years, and if you expect your culture and manners all over the world then you fail to appreciate people being different. Have you wondered that the reason that they talked to you through your husband is as a matter of respect to him, as if to say: hey man, I am not interested in your lady, I am not even going to look at her. Or something...Just guessing. I knew Brazilians who were different too but I met them elsewhere.

[ShatteredLady]

Dancinginthedark. I'm from London England & I live in Dallas Texas USA. I completely underestimated the cultural differences & we don't have a language barrier! Being so far away from family & friends is a huge adjustment. I know people are going to scoff at this but I truly believe that my H would never of had his first A if we had been in London! Friends & family help to reinforce your morals & standards. Writing to friends is very, very different from spending a whole evening with them. They notice when you're not being 'you'. I'm not making any excuses for you or him, I'm just saying life is very different in a foreign culture.

 

Did you guys originally plan to move back to your home country? A new start could help your marriage. I'd be thinking long & hard about your marriage. I didn't know it was a rebound! I really hope that age or some mythical 'ticking clock' didn't have anything to do with your descision to marry your husband. Why did you hang in there when he was treating you so badly at the start? Are most of your friends married or couples?

 

I'm very aware, as you say, we're getting a tiny part of the huge story that's your life. This is a turning point. I hope you make the right choices for you, your true happiness & your future.

[tomcook]

Hi everyone!

I'm writing regarding a sticky situation I'm in. Basically, about two years ago I moved countries to be with my boyfriend. We were doing the long distance thing for about a year. During our year and a half at a distance, he wasnt the best guy to me and so we had our ups and downs. I moved countries to be with him to give us a chance. I also found a much better job where he was so it all worked out. We had our problems living together but things were much better than before.

 

Months later...

at a work meeting, I met a very handsome male colleague who I was to attend a trip with that may (it was January). We worked in different departments so I had seen him but we had never spoken. I introduced myself to him after the meeting and he was extremely shy. I was surprised at how down to earth he was and, as he walked me out of the building, I could sense he was interested.

 

Months passed I completely forgot about him and things were much better with bf who proposed that March.

When May came I had absolutely no interest in the handsome colleague as we went on our trip.

 

Though we were there with two other colleagues, he would not leave me alone, asking questions, trying to spend as much time as possible with me. The second day he had gotten my number from a work document and texted me asking to get a drink. Knowing he knew my being engaged and me knowing he had a girlfriend, I was already suspicious of his texts. I said sure as long as a colleague came too.

 

That night, despite others being there, We REALLY clicked. We had so much in common from our past relationships to our current ones ( he also experienced long distance in the same countries!) it was super creepy how much we had in common. He was the male version of myself.

 

We spent each night together talking for hours. Nothing sexual at all. I found myself very interested by the end of the week-long trip and not at all excited to go home.

 

I went home anyway and I couldn't be bothered with my fiancé. He had always been a bit controlling anc VERY different from me. I now found a man who "got it" but I was sad that it was all over.

 

Nevertheless, at work we were meeting every day for coffee breakfast lunch or dinner there was always a moment we met. We talked and talked and then, one day, he confessed how he felt about me. He told me he had feelings and felt he needed to be around me. I felt this intense magbetism toward him and I still do. He kissed me and told me he still loved his girlfriend and to assure him that I still loved my fiancé. I was SO confused by him. The kissing happened two more times before our summer vacations.

 

During the summer holidays I took fiancé back home to celebrate our engagement with my family. We had a wonderful time together and the trip helped me put things into perspective. Hot colleague sent me many confusing texts including a picture of himand his gf on my BIRTHDAY so right before returning to work I told him to lay off the texting and to leave me alone.

 

As the year went on he still texted here and there asking to meet and I always had an excuse. When January came again I met him for a brief drink and all of the feelings came flooding back. We sat at the restaurant laughing the entire hour and I really just missed that. My fiancé was not so laid back so it was nice having the company. Still, my fiancé is much more mature and rational and I do love him deeply. There was just something else about colleague.

 

Anyway months after our January meet, I noticed he really didnt care to meet anymore and didn't try at all. I was hurt but I asked for it. Plus I was busy planning the wedding and trying to avoid him for my own good.

 

the work trip rolled around again and we went together again with same other colleagues.

The first night there I apologized for my rudeness all year and told him that he was so confusing and I really liked having him around. He agreed and understood. He said it just wasnt destiny for us. I agreed. he continued saying "but you're getting married.." and I knew he was hurt by it. Still we had laughs of laughs all week and amazing memories.

But on the first night,

 

He kissed me that night and we made passionate love. I felt horribly guilty even during the love making but it happened and it was very romantic.

He finished telling me he needed me and we spenf a while holding each other and kissing.

We made love three nights on the trip and the next two times, though initiated by him, he cried non-stop after he finished and kept telling me of his love for girlfriend. He then just left me there both times after he finished.

 

he kept apologizing the next morning saying he wished he could spend the night with me but he just couldn't.

I didn't eveb react. i knew i had a wonderful person to go home to and I couldn't wait to do that.

 

I got back from the trip I felt AWFUL. but now the texts were overflowing from colleague asking to see me etc. I saw him but not nearly as much as before. I left on my summer holiday and to get married of course, but he invited me over the last day I was in town and we eventually were intimate. I told him this was the last time because obviously after Im married it just won't happen. The love making was SO passionate on his part. he even sighed as he looked in my eyes and caressed my face. I told him Id miss him but that this was it for me. I asked if he'd miss me and he said "I don't want to answer that" very rudely. I was very hurt but it made me happier knowing he was a jerk.

 

The wedding summer honeymoon were all incredibile and I couldn't have wished for more. I totally forgot about colleague.

 

I came back and again he wants to meet etc etc. So I see him thinking Hes only a friend plus I had some contract drama which he knew about so I wanted to vent.

 

AGAIN all the feelings return we had an AMAZING time together and he tells me (with tears in his eyes) that he wanted to say that he would miss me and he's sorry he didn't. He just couldn't say it.

I said what's done is done.

Then he tells me he proposed a few days before his gfs bday (july 20) my wedding was July 18. He never wanted to propose, so I was a bit confused but I wished him well.

He told me I was the first to know as they are waiting until Christmas to tell everyone.

 

The thing is, I love my husband and I want to be with him. Things are great now and we have our lives ahead of us.

I refuse to cheat on him once more.

 

But I cannot get colleague out of my mind. Please help me understand what Im feeling and what colleague is feeling. Is it all sex for him?

Thank you.

 

Hi dancinginthedark,

I'm another betrayed husband here. I found out officially back in March. I'm not going to bash you or anything like that. I can tell you, I agree with SandyLee. I've asked my wife so many times why she didn't just ask for a divorce, and I can certainly tell you that it would have saved me a lot of pain. I mean, my situation is not even the worst on LS, not by a long shot, but it's so painful that it changes you as a person. You lose faith in your spouse, in God sometimes, in humanity, in everything. It's one of, if not THE worst, pain I've ever felt in my entire life, and I've been through a lot of stuff. However, if you truly do love your husband, and this is only my opinion, you either owe him absolute honesty (which could go either way for you, but you must accept that consequence), or you AT LEAST owe it to him to keep yourself in control. I think being married is not saying that you are not attracted to other people. like "POOF! Married now. Not attracted to anyone else." That's how we are wired. We cannot really control fleeting thoughts or emotions. However, we can control how long we dwell on those, and how we choose to deal with those, whether it is avoiding risky behaviors/atmospheres, putting concrete actions to those thoughts, etc. I am sure it is tough on your end, but it would be unimaginably tough on your husband. Think long and hard about what would make you happy in the long run, about what would make your husband happy in the long run, make a decision, but stick to it like no other. No matter what you choose, I wish you and your husband the very best of luck.

Edited September 6, 2015 by tomcook
Grammar

[nightmare01]

Sooner or later the truth usually comes out. Sooner or later a slip is made, an old email, letter, picture, phone record, or text is found. Sooner or later the OP's BS finds out and calls you or your BS. Sooner or later a friend finds out and tells your BS.

 

I once talked at length to a BH who found out 15 years after his WW's affair was over. And to him her affair didn't end until he confronted her and she confessed; BS's feel this way because their WS continue lying, and as long as the lying continues the affair is still on-going. He not only had to reconcile her affair, but also all the years of deception. He was so angry because he felt that his WW had manipulated him into wasting his life. He could have found someone who respected and cherished him, and instead he was stuck for all those years with a lying cheater who had no respect for him at all.

 

You don't lie to people you respect, because lying is only about controlling the person being lied to. People lie to avoid consequences, never to "protect" the other person. As long as you are lying you are playing your husband like a puppet - which a horribly disrespectful thing to do.

 

If you respect your husband in the least - never mind love or anything like that, all I'm asking is respect - then tell your husband ALL the truth. Give him his life back and allow him to make his own decisions.

 

You made your decisions, now allow him to make his.

[tomcook]

BS's feel this way because their WS continue lying, and as long as the lying continues the affair is still on-going.

You don't lie to people you respect, because lying is only about controlling the person being lied to. People lie to avoid consequences, never to "protect" the other person. As long as you are lying you are playing your husband like a puppet - which a horribly disrespectful thing to do. If you respect your husband in the least - never mind love or anything like that, all I'm asking is respect - then tell your husband ALL the truth. Give him his life back and allow him to make his own decisions. You made your decisions, now allow him to make his.

 

I love every word of what you said in the quote above. I think you have pretty much summed it up into a nice, tidy paragraph.

[SoulStorm]

I am highly against cheating and always have been. I never imagined this would happen and I know I let this happen. But I have never complained about husband to OM.

 

You need to really take a good introspection of yourself. If you were so against cheating..you never would have done it. Some people just can't cheat. It would sicken them to do so. You were able to cheat repeatedly and if you haven't ended contact with your colleague, you are still cheating.

 

So you may want to be highly against cheating..but you are quite capable of doing it. So, yes..you need to really explore that.

[harrybrown]

If you are not comfortable with telling your H, then write him a timeline of your A.

 

Have you been tested for stds?

 

You should to make sure your H does not find out this way.

 

Think about how you would feel if he was doing what you are doing. So tell him and put the truth in the spotlight.

 

Until you get your marriage annulled or divorce, you should stop all contact with the OM and tell his wife about your relationship. She needs to know.

 

Wouldn't you want to know if your H was cheating with another OW?

 

Good luck, but lies will blow up the marriage. Tell your H all the truth and do not trickle truth or sugarcoat your feelings for this other wonderful man that just deceived his wife about his relationship with you.

 

No more trips with Mr. Cheater, the std carrier.

 

Hope you find what you are looking for. Do you know what you want?