MissBrunette84 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I hope I have posted in the right place? I started seeing a guy in April as of this year. However a few weeks in he found out his ex (more booty call kind of relationship) is pregnant with his child. He gave me he choice to stay or leave if I wanted to. He wants to be there for the child and be a good dad. I have no issues with this at all, I think thats the right thing to do, its not the childs fault. However, the child is due soon and I'm just wondering if anyones been in this situation before and how it turned out? She has alot of feelings for him still, he has no feelings for her at all. So shes starting to use the baby as a weapon even before its born and I have no idea how she is going to be. I have nothing against her, I dont know her and they met and broke up before we met, but she is making it a little difficult. As no matter what it is a difficult situation. Link to post Share on other sites
sm2281 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 It can be done. People do it alot. Talk to him and find out exactly whzt his intentions are. If he wants you to stay or if he wants to go. The details with the baby can be workd out, if he is clear about being with you. Also if you dew fo stay, make your presence known and make sure contact is strictly about the child. Just my 2 #divorcedwith2kids #datng seriously Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 She has alot of feelings for him still, *he has no feelings for her at all. So shes starting to use the baby as a weapon even before its born and I have no idea how she is going to be. I have nothing against her, I dont know her and they met and broke up before we met, but she is making it a little difficult. As no matter what it is a difficult situation. *Yes he does. Whether those feelings are problematic or not, depends on what they are. Everybody has feelings for everybody. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I don't know, before I'd even think about this, I would ask him what HE wants. He would need to feel strongly that he wants to be with me, not just "maybe" about it. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 So what happened? Does he not like condoms? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 This is really difficult on a new relationship. I'm assuming you've been dating less than 9 months... How strongly do you feel about being with him? If you are head over heels in love with him and feel like he's the "one" and he feels the same about you... then go for it. Be cautioned though that he's going to go through some turbulent emotions in the coming months, maybe even years. You will too. Is your relationship with him strong enough to work through that? I wouldn't bet on it working out for you two unless you can really sit down and make some ground rules about how this will work for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Would agree, this would be a VERY DIFFICULT relationship. He obviously had some attraction to the ex within the last 9 months.... and who knows what will happen once the baby is born. And for a new relationship less than 9 months to be successful would be a crap shoot. And in that short time, I doubt that the love is strong... takes years for that. And that baby and ex will be in his life for the rest of it... a long time. I'd argue strongly to pass on this guy and get a guy without baggage. Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Not to be a downer, but you've been with him 4-5 months. He has a child on the way that we are to assume is his. I say this because you mentioned this girl was more of a booty call. So who knows with her. She could have had more partners. I'd look into that. Other than that, if it isn't his kid go nuts. You will have the opportunity to start a life together without anyone getting in the way. If it is his kid and he will be part of his life I would bounce. Do you really want to start a relationship like this? He's going to have to spend time with this child and in the beginning enough time with the ex as well. I'm sorry, but if it is their kid then there is a bond they'll have that you won't. That might make a person jealous and can you handle that in a relationship of a few months? My bet is no. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 She has alot of feelings for him still, he has no feelings for her at all. So shes starting to use the baby as a weapon even before its born and I have no idea how she is going to be. I have nothing against her, I dont know her and they met and broke up before we met, but she is making it a little difficult. As no matter what it is a difficult situation. Welcome to the next 20 years of this poor guy's life. She's going to make his life hell and if you're REAL lucky, you'll get to be right along side him for the ride. Personally? I'd run so damned far and so damned fast he'd have to FedEx my shadow to me the next day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oohlala Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 The birth itself and the time surrounding it before and after will probably be difficult, but it's definitely doable. I guess it depends on how you feel about your SO. My friend's brother got his booty call pregnant about a year or so after his wife died. He's a total stand-up guy, he's an awesome father and just an all-around good person. About a year after the baby was born he confessed to me that he'd always wanted to try a relationship with me, the crush had been there for yeeears on my end (like, since JUNIOR HIGH), and I thought about it for a minute but the timing wasn't right in the universe with what was going on with me. And as amazing as he is, there were things about our end game that didn't seem like they quite fit. But looking back even if it *had* happened while booty call was still pregnant, I'd probably have stuck through it and given it a chance. Like I said - he's a total stand-up guy, amazing dad, etc., it wasn't planned but he's proven himself to be a man of his word. There's a lot to be said for weathering a really undesireable circumstance in terms of really getting to know someone. Not that everything should be this dramatic unfortunate catharsis, but sometimes it just is what it is and what might matter in the end is how well you've weathered it and how you feel about each other in the end. That said, I'd bow out and wait until after the baby is born if the drama is just ridiculous and unbearable. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 . However a few weeks in he found out his ex (more booty call kind of relationship) is pregnant with his child. He gave me he choice to stay or leave if I wanted to. She has alot of feelings for him still, he has no feelings for her at all. . I think you may be in fog a little bit here. Without any other details to go on here, no one can really say where his head or his heart is at but I guarantee you a coupe things - - one is that she is less of a "booty call" that what you think. - his feelings for her are more than what you think. - his feelings for you and commitment to you may very well be less than what you think. - on some level, he is giving some thought to a life with her as a family. - This is not going to be "fun" at any stage of the game from the pregnancy until the child graduates from college and marries and starts a family of his/her own. -Even if you "win," your prize will be a guy that helping to raise and support and father another woman's child for the rest of that child's life. There will be dramas and conflicts and angst that would not be there if you were with a man without this kind of baggage. I guarantee those things. You are at great risk of being the one without a chair when the music stops here. I also think it is a quite telling sign that he offered you a get-out-of-jail-free card to walk away. I actually think he was doing a little foreshadowing whether he even realized it himself or not. IMHO I think you should give his offer some serious consideration. If you decide to stay with him, I urge extreme caution and urge you not to invest anything you are not willing to lose. Keep your eyes wide open and do not be afraid to walk away at any moment. Always have an escape route and a back up plan. This may have triggered your female competitiveness and you may see this as a fun challenge to try to win out over the other girl. But what you are going to have to show for it at the end of the day is a guy that is always going to attached to another woman's child and possibly even that other woman to one degree or another for the entire life-cycle of that child. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 But what you are going to have to show for it at the end of the day is a guy that is always going to attached to another woman's child and possibly even that other woman to one degree or another for the entire life-cycle of that child. What this means is he may leave your bed in the middle of the night so he can fetch her some pickles and peanut butter because she's having cravings. He may miss your parents anniversary party because she is in labor in the hospital. How will you react if he is there with her coaching her to breathe during the delivery? How will you feel when his family goes to the hospital so he can show them his new son/daughter? Lots of parents divorce and get into new relationships and remarry other people. But those children are older and those marriages have gone sour. In this case, the child is yet to born so this truly going to be the entire life-cycle of that child and the relationship to the other woman is a complete wildcard. He could decide that he is going to try to be a family with her tonight, tomorrow, next week or at any point along the way. And quite frankly, if he does decide to try to be a family with them, that is a righteous choice and you really won't have a leg to stand on and the honorable thing for you to do would be to step aside allow them to build their own home and family without your interference. You are really behind the 8-ball here. Your best option is to wish them well and move on with your own life and leave them to figure out their's without you getting bogged down in their issues. If you do decide, proceed with extreme caution and extreme vigilance and don't be afraid to walk if things are working for you. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 First thing: Is he absolutely certain it is his, and if so, HOW is he absolutely certain? Have they gone the real legal route and established boundaries? Because if not, she can move the lines and make his life heck indefinitely. I agree this will be difficult. It can be done, but I would be cautious and observant and have your own boundaries pretty strong too. Link to post Share on other sites
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