A Cautionary Tale

[circe221]

OK so I am sitting here shaking as I type this.

 

I was only here for a short time - my A ended when MM's wife got pregnant.

Long story short, he claimed it wasn't planned, they weren't ready...etc.

MM's wife's family and MM's family very religious.

I ended the A at the end of May, stating I wished him the best with new baby, etc. Several weeks of NC. I "unfriended" him on FB (we still have mutual friends). He then began texting me again - all sexual, some dick pics, the usual kind of texting we did during the A. I am ashamed to say it but even after I broke it off, I was tempted several times. I still felt the physical attraction and craved the sex/intimacy.

 

But...I ignored him. I then saw a photo of his wife on FB of a mutual friend. She looked absolutely horrible - bloated and blown up like a balloon from the pregnancy - her face was huge and, for some strange reason, I felt really sorry for her at that moment. I don't know her, have never met her, and I know it sounds mean that it took this photo for me to feel sorry for her, but for some reason, I just felt really badly about everything.

 

MM continued to text - asking if he could see me, I would tell him no, the A was over and he needed to focus on his family. The texts continued into August. He began asking if I was home, when would I be home, saying he was driving by my house, that he saw my car, etc. His parents live in the same town as me, and about 1/2 a mile away. Technically he would/could have to drive near my house to get from main highway to their house, but it was really starting to creep me out a bit. This went on for a few weeks. I finally told him to please respect me and to stop contacting me. I had not blocked his number, as I wanted to have proof if he continued to attempt to contact me or if he threatened to tell anyone (not sure why he would do this but I have read some crazy stories here). Most recently he changed tactics and his texts would be things like "I miss you" "Why won't you talk to me" or "Are you even alive?" or "I'm worried about you" - things that I took as sheer manipulation to get me to respond. He just texted me this morning as a matter of fact - it was a dick pic and an "I miss you".

 

So...tonight I went to pick up a pizza at a pizza place in my town - it is in a large shopping center. I had to also go to the grocery store to get a movie from Red Box (my exciting Saturday night alone). I went to the store to go to Red Box, then drove across the shopping center to pick up the pizza. In the parking lot I saw someone I knew and briefly stopped to chat (less than a minute) as I went to enter the pizza place, I saw MM standing at the pickup counter - he is very tall. He started to turn around, and I thought he saw me so I panicked and turned and walked in the opposite direction and crossed and entered a store. I hung out in the store for about 10 minutes trying to see if he had left. Then I left that store and walked quickly to my car and drove back over near the supermarket. I did see where MM was parked, so I waited for about another 10 minutes then drove back and his car was gone. I went in and got my pizza and left, and when I got back to my car I saw that I had a missed call from MM. Then he texted "Oh so you can't even say hi to me now? When did you become such a bitch?" I did not respond.

 

I have no idea if he was heading to his parents, I didn't see if his wife was with him, I don't think she was in the car.

 

His wife is due in October - I do not want to tell her and risk her health or the health of her baby. I am now worried that MM is angry and possibly unstable, so I don't even want to threaten to tell her for fear that he will do something. I just feel very uncomfortable with the entire situation. I have only told 1 person about the A, but he (the friend that I told) does not know who it is. I am thinking of telling my friend the identity of MM and his phone number just in case. He has already seen some of the photos - he is gay so I would send him the dick pics to be funny.

 

Maybe I have watched too many Lifetime Movies, but I am nervous. I do know several of the police officers in town, and thought of mentioning something, but it's not stalking, and I don't want to get into the specifics of the relationship.

 

Not really looking for advice, and take this for what it's worth...but I just wanted to put this out there for those who are in an A that it can go wrong very quickly. Be careful, you never know who you are dealing with or what they will do. And I know that these things can and do happen in non-A relationships too, but the stakes in an A are so much higher, people might be desperate to do things they normally wouldn't do.

[eye of the storm]

Just stay the course. Continue to not respond.

 

sending you positive thoughts

[Hope Shimmers]

I had not blocked his number, as I wanted to have proof if he continued to attempt to contact me or if he threatened to tell anyone (not sure why he would do this but I have read some crazy stories here).

 

I don't really get why you haven't blocked his number. Proof of what and for whom? If you block his number he can't continue to contact you, and isn't that the point? And if that is the point, why do you need to have proof of anything (because he won't be able to contact you?)

 

I think many people in A's end up in this situation. Nothing he has done has been threatening or stalking, so just block him and move on. I am guessing that if you are honest with yourself, you want to know that he is still contacting you and that's why you haven't blocked him. If you really want it over, BLOCK HIM! That is Step 1, and you haven't done it yet.

 

Good luck!

Edited September 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[circe221]

I hadn't blocked him because I became concerned that if he ever tried to tell anyone I had proof that he was contacting me and not the other way around. We have mutual friends in common, which include some people that I work with, and I became nervous when I ended the A that he would look to "get even". But you are right, and I am going to block his number - have to figure out how to do that on my phone.

 

I have never blocked anyone on my phone before - do they know they are blocked, like does a message come up that they cannot send messages to that number?

[Mount]

:eek::eek:I was just starting to read your post from the beginning, and when I read he sent you the usual "D..." pic text I was so shocked.

 

If any man including MM dares to send those kind of pics to me, for sure it only means they dis-respect the pic receiver at all, would only think those women as lowest the low.

 

When he started to send those pics to you, you should have cut him off right away. You should not allow him to disrespect you constantly.

[GypsyGirl966]

You are doing great. Stay the course.

 

Don't worry about having to "prove" anything to anyone, you have the ability to deny, deny, deny, deny. If he chooses to tell people about the A or even claim you came on to him, you simply counter by saying he is running an offensive defense because you rejected his advances and now he is scared you will tell people and he will be paying child support for 18 years as a result.

 

Again, good for you on breaking it off, good for you on staying the course.

 

He is lashing out at you because you were a fun escape for him and he no longer has that escape. So, not only is his escape hatch gone, but his real life just got a whole lot more real for him. Real with real responsibility.

 

Agree with you, my condolences to his wife, she deserves better than a man who is behaving this way while she carries his child for him. He should be doting on his pregnant wife instead of trying to force the escape hatch back open.

[anika99]

I hadn't blocked him because I became concerned that if he ever tried to tell anyone I had proof that he was contacting me and not the other way around. We have mutual friends in common, which include some people that I work with, and I became nervous when I ended the A that he would look to "get even". But you are right, and I am going to block his number - have to figure out how to do that on my phone.

 

I have never blocked anyone on my phone before - do they know they are blocked, like does a message come up that they cannot send messages to that number?

 

You already have proof that he has been the one initiating contact. You don't have to keep receiving d pics and texts from him because you already have months worth of proof right there on your phone. Also if you ever have to involve the authorities to make this guy go away they are likely going to ask you what steps you have taken to end contact. They might also find it a little odd that you are still allowing your phone to receive pictures of his penis.

 

I actually haven't ever had to block someone either so I'm not sure if the blocked person is made aware or not. Are you concerned that if he knows he is blocked he will escalate his stalking behaviour in other ways or that he will get angry and retaliate somehow? Hopefully if he realizes he has been blocked it will get it through his thick skull that you are not interested and you are done. If he starts stalking you in person then you will have to inform the police.

[CarrieT]

I think you should expose him to his wife.

 

Send her all the texts AND photos so she knows what the father of her children is capable of doing.

[Zagan]

I think you should expose him to his wife.

 

Send her all the texts AND photos so she knows what the father of her children is capable of doing.

 

Nah I don't think you should do this. Especially not while she's so heavily pregnant. But it might help your situation if you tell him that if he doesn't leave you alone you will contact his wife and tell her everything and show her your phone.

He sounds like he's got some kind of personality disorder to me.. Texting you a picture of his d*** with the words 'miss you' after you'd already ended things and had been going NC is weird. It's also very telling about how he viewed you. As a sexual object only.

[Babs22]

On the iPhone, to block a caller, simply open the contact like you would to edit their info or add another phone number. You will see their phone number and any other info you have entered for them. There is a choice to send message, share contact, add to favorites and the last one says, block caller. I imagine it is similar in any phone. Not sure if they get a message that they are blocked.

 

Perhaps you could tell your friend who knows about AP that you are going to block him and ask him to send you a text so he can tell you what happened, if he got a message. Then unblock your friend and discuss the results. I think your exAP is persistent, but I don't think you should worry. He has far more to lose by outing you. If he tells anyone about you he knows it will end up with his wife knowing and he really doesn't want that. Block him, stick to NC and he will eventually get the message.

[jen1447]

I hadn't blocked him because I became concerned that if he ever tried to tell anyone I had proof that he was contacting me and not the other way around. We have mutual friends in common, which include some people that I work with, and I became nervous when I ended the A that he would look to "get even". But you are right, and I am going to block his number - have to figure out how to do that on my phone.

 

I have never blocked anyone on my phone before - do they know they are blocked, like does a message come up that they cannot send messages to that number?

fwiw I disagree about blocking and think you were correct to continue to document his calls/texts. If this continues and you ever get to the point of asking for a restraining order, the court will want evidence that he's a threat to you and has established a compelling pattern of behavior to demonstrate it. That shouldn't be limited to historical contacts, it should also include current contacts, bc you'll have to show that he's a current threat, not a threat from the past who stopped threatening. Document-document-document - it's your best strategy.

 

I also think that some of his behavior (incessant texting, unsolicited dick pics, not stopping when told, saying he's driving by your house, etc.) may actually rise to the level of stalking, so don't sell yourself short on this and assume there are no protections available to you.

 

You sound like you have your stuff together so I'll just suggest that you continue to monitor the situation closely. Good luck, and keep posting here if you need help and/or support.

[Popsicle]

Stay the course and continue to ignore him. Who cares if he's pissed? He would be a fool to continue to rage on you. He's probably just trying to get a response because he craves your attention and will stop once he realizes you don't give a damn.

[Lurkeraspect]

I would definitely tell your friend the identity of the the MM and give him all the proof for safe keeping. I would then have one last conversation with this guy. Tell him that you have all the proof of the affair and his continued attempts at contact, and if he persists, you're going to forward all that information to his unsuspecting wife. Then block him for good.

 

The only one I truly feel sorry for is his BS and the unborn baby. He sounds like wonderful husband/father material.

[Ms. Faust]

Hmmm... The only real dick pics I have seen are from avatars or profile pages on a sex forum. If someone texted me a dick pic with a "miss you" I would block him so hard (no pun intended).

 

Whadda creeeeep, although I do often wonder how men are able to woo women by sending pictures of their erections.

[m4p]

I think in OP's case this was how they interacted during the A, where they were comfortable enough with the constant sending of dick/boobs pics. When you were in a passionate affair saucy pics are a turn on i guess but once it has ended, it is just plain gross. xMM is just refusing to accept reality that the A has ended.

 

Having said that, OP, if you can stay firm and not get tempted by his erm, dick pics, then you might not need to block him. Just ignore and document if you need to. I get what you mean, about the fear that he might turn on you and you have nothing to "prove" to anyone. It's irrational as you can easily do the same to him. But if it makes you feel safer, then don't block but IGNORE.

 

Sad to say, it's also most likely because the wife is pregnant, that he is turning to you. He is bored, horny and just looking for a side dish until the baby is born. DON'T LET HIM DO THAT TO YOU.

 

Soon he'll realize it's futile and leave you alone. If he attempts to infringe your privacy in any way, threaten to pull the cops on him. I doubt he has enough balls to face that. Don't tell the wife, I think with her pregnancy it is kinda tough and her health might be at risk. You can consider doing that if he continues to harass you when the baby is born.

 

BUT If you do tell her, own your part in the A and apologize to her at the same time- you owe her at least that.

 

Good luck!

[circe221]

Just some background, my A was a sexual A only. Sending sexy pics was part of the A - I did send some, but never with my face in them. Sorry if that is TMI, but I want to have full disclosure as to the nature of the A. There was no romantic illusion whatsoever on either of our parts. I was not looking for a relationship, and obviously neither was he, so having a sex-only A suited both of our needs. I just didn't realize ending it would become such an issue.

 

I became involved with MM before he was engaged, then went our separate ways, and became re-involved after he was married and, according to him, going through issues. When we reconnected he claimed he was considering a separation. I now know that was complete lying manipulative BS or he was considering a separation and his W got pregnant before he went through with it. Either way, he was still having sex with her, so I tend to doubt his story.

 

After his W became pregnant the A stopped by my choice.

 

And, I finally did block him on my phone, and took a screenshot of my phone to show "Unblock this Caller" to show that it actually is blocked.

[circe221]

I think in OP's case this was how they interacted during the A, where they were comfortable enough with the constant sending of dick/boobs pics. When you were in a passionate affair saucy pics are a turn on i guess but once it has ended, it is just plain gross. xMM is just refusing to accept reality that the A has ended.

 

Having said that, OP, if you can stay firm and not get tempted by his erm, dick pics, then you might not need to block him. Just ignore and document if you need to. I get what you mean, about the fear that he might turn on you and you have nothing to "prove" to anyone. It's irrational as you can easily do the same to him. But if it makes you feel safer, then don't block but IGNORE.

 

Sad to say, it's also most likely because the wife is pregnant, that he is turning to you. He is bored, horny and just looking for a side dish until the baby is born. DON'T LET HIM DO THAT TO YOU.

 

Soon he'll realize it's futile and leave you alone. If he attempts to infringe your privacy in any way, threaten to pull the cops on him. I doubt he has enough balls to face that. Don't tell the wife, I think with her pregnancy it is kinda tough and her health might be at risk. You can consider doing that if he continues to harass you when the baby is born.

 

BUT If you do tell her, own your part in the A and apologize to her at the same time- you owe her at least that.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you, and I think you summed up the situation very well - yes, the racy pics were part of the A and yes, it is unwanted and "gross" now that I am no longer interested in any kind of relationship with this person.

 

I did end up blocking him, and took a screen shot of where it says "Unblock this Caller" for documentation in case it comes to that. I didn't know how to do that on my phone until someone here told how to block on an iPhone.

 

And I agree, I had no intentions of telling his W, I just want him to leave me alone.

[truncated]

Um, no offense, but he sounds like a nasty sort of person. He is sending you explicit photos that you do not want and did not ask for, he's ignoring your requests to stop, and he's cheating on his pregnant wife.

 

 

After all of that, he expects you to be friendly towards him when you accidentally come across him in a store, and runs you do for not doing it?

 

I would avoif him like the plague, block him if you can after sending a very strongly worded message of " leave me alone...no more texts, calls, photos or contact of any kind' and date the message. If he won;t stop, document each contact attempt by him and talk to a legal expert about what your options are.

[circe221]

Um, no offense, but he sounds like a nasty sort of person. He is sending you explicit photos that you do not want and did not ask for, he's ignoring your requests to stop, and he's cheating on his pregnant wife.

 

 

After all of that, he expects you to be friendly towards him when you accidentally come across him in a store, and runs you do for not doing it?

 

I would avoif him like the plague, block him if you can after sending a very strongly worded message of " leave me alone...no more texts, calls, photos or contact of any kind' and date the message. If he won;t stop, document each contact attempt by him and talk to a legal expert about what your options are.

 

No offense taken. I am completely freaked out by his behavior as well, which is why I posted this story here. I want others to know how quickly it can go wrong.

 

I don't know what he expected me to do when I saw him - I just knew I didn't want to be anywhere near him and that is why I ran and hid.

 

I have already blocked him on my phone and on FB. There is really no other way for him to contact me. We never emailed, so he doesn't have my email address. He does know where I live, unfortunately, and where I work.

[truncated]

No offense taken. I am completely freaked out by his behavior as well, which is why I posted this story here. I want others to know how quickly it can go wrong.

 

I don't know what he expected me to do when I saw him - I just knew I didn't want to be anywhere near him and that is why I ran and hid.

 

I have already blocked him on my phone and on FB. There is really no other way for him to contact me. We never emailed, so he doesn't have my email address. He does know where I live, unfortunately, and where I work.

 

Hopefully, he will get the hint and leave you alone.

[circe221]

Well I was wrong, he found me on Instagram.

 

And...he must have just created the Instagram account because the date of the pics was Sunday.

 

And don't worry, I already blocked him.

 

I hadn't logged into Instagram in a few days, and at first, I didn't recognize his name because his IG name wasn't his name and the profile pic wasn't him. I saw the notification for a new follower and clicked on the name. It was definitely him because there were a bunch of pics that I saw on his FB. And in one of the pics, he had taken a photo of all of the neatly folded baby clothes for his and W's baby on the way. Bizarre and sick.