would appreciate your advice please

[kimmie]

I'm relieved to have found this place. I'm really at a loss and I could use some feedback.

 

I met a man on the internet recently. He is 30 and I am 29. From our conversations in email and by phone, he seems to be a really nice man with a fair bit in common with me. There is something, however, that concerns me.

 

His divorce became final 2 weeks ago. He began dating his ex wife when he was 23. They lived together for 3 years, then they were married when he was 26 (she was 21). In total, they were together for 7 years.

 

On two occasions, he's expressed to me that he's "bitter" or "pissed" that he obviously wasted 7 years of his life. He admits that he doesn't hate her, that they remain friends but he obviously had planned for this to be a lifetime commitment.

 

Apparently they had been separated since 1998. Between then and now, they did get back together for 1 year to try and work things out but it didn't work. He tells me that their last two years together, they weren't even "intimate."

 

Although he doesn't bash her, he does express that the demise of their marriage was mostly due to her. He feels that she was too young when they married, and throughout their years together, it became apparent to him that she had issues to deal with and needed to find herself. Apparently she came from a home with an abusive step-father (mentally and physically) and due to this, she had a hard time opening up and being affectionate. This guy says she was a very cold, unaffectionate person. He says that he stayed with her for as long as he did because he felt bad for her, due to her childhood and the obvious impact of it.

 

He describes himself as an affectionate person and shares that he needs to be with someone who is the same way. I am definitely that way, so that wouldn't be a problem.

 

He's reassured me that his marriage was really "over" 2-3 years ago but that it's recently been made official. I guess he's trying to assure me that he's not "on the rebound."

 

I must admit that I'm a little bit concerned by his admission that he's still bitter with his belief of having wasted the past 7 years. If he was truly over his marriage and had dealt with it, would he still be bitter? I admire his honesty, but I am still leary.

 

Apparently it was his ex wife who left him. They had been going through rocky times, she had gone out of town for a few weeks to visit family and she simply called to tell him he wasn't coming home.

 

He says that his marriage was more like a brother and sister relationship than a husband and wife relationship. But despite this, I would imagine that it must have hurt him to be left by her like that. That would have been back in 1998.

 

He states that he is more than open to getting serious with someone again, as long as it's with the right person. I also get the impression that he views his past marriage as really no marriage at all.

 

What are the chances of him being on the rebound?

 

Do his expressions of still being bitter indicate that he's still got things to deal with before being ready to enter into a relationship?

 

Should I be concerned that he seems to attribute the demise of his marriage, solely on his ex wife?

 

The very last thing I want to do is invest my time and heart in someone who is really not ready to get into a relationship. I also don't want to be the woman that someone turns to, in an attempt to forget his past wife.

 

TIA

 

kimmie

[clia]

Kimmie,

 

You say you met him 'recently', so I'm not sure what that means. A month? Six months? Time is a big factor, here, I think.

 

"What are the chances of him being on the rebound?"

 

You seem to know quite a bit about his past with his ex. That you know so much immediately says to me that he's on the rebound. Generally, people don't discuss their exes unless it's still fresh in their mind. If he's still sounds bitter (and she broke it off with him), I'd say to watch yourself, because it sounds like he's still getting over this. His divorce was only final 2 weeks ago? I don't care what their relationship was, if they were having sex or not, they were still married. To some people, that means something. He's been with her for a long time. I'd say he's on the rebound.

 

"Do his expressions of still being bitter indicate that he's still got things to deal with before being ready to enter into a relationship?"

 

That he's talking to you sounds like he thinks he's ready to get into a relationship, but I'd watch it if I were you. Who knows what his agenda is? It sounds to me like he thinks he's ready, but who knows if he really is? It sounds to me like he's looking for someone to vent to about his ex. (I'm sure that's not your entire relationship, of course, but why has he shared so much? That concerns me.)

 

"Should I be concerned that he seems to attribute the demise of his marriage, solely on his ex wife?"

 

I would be. I don't think that any marriage dissolves based solely on one person. He must've had his part. Just remember that you're only hearing one side of things. I'm sure his ex had her issues, but maybe he did, too. After all, she broke it off with him. Did he tell you exactly why? And is he still in love with her?

 

"The very last thing I want to do is invest my time and heart in someone who is really not ready to get into a relationship. I also don't want to be the woman that someone turns to, in an attempt to forget his past wife."

 

God, I don't really know what to tell you, except be careful. I may be totally wrong here, since I don't know all the details, but he sounds to me like a guy on the rebound.

[kimmie]

Clia thank you for your input. Much obliged.

 

We met a few days ago. Last night was our first telephone conversation, after a few days of emailing back and forth. We spoke last night on the phone for about 3 hours. So really, if it's "anything", it's really only the very, very beginning stages of two people becoming friends and getting to know one another.

 

He did talk a fair bit about his ex wife last night on the phone. I really didn't mind because I took it as an opportunity to learn his perception of things, possibly note any warning signs. On one occasion, he did say "I'm bitter but I'll get over it."

 

He explained to me how when he and the ex wife got married (she being 18, he being 23), he voiced his concerns to her that maybe she was too young to be settling down and he wanted to make sure she was really sure she knew what she was doing. Of course she said she did. He told me all about the night he proposed to her, and how she didn't think the ring he bought her was "good enough", so she made him take it back and exchange it for another. Apparently that one wasn't good enough either, so she took his credit card and went and exchanged it herself. He shared with me how hurt he was by her doing this.

 

He says that his ex wife was more interested in an "artsy" type of guy, one who was into painting, art, flower arranging, etc., and that she had even questioned her own sexuality--that possibly a lesbian would be better suited for her.

 

Yes, I do realize that I am only hearing his side of things. I guess that is what you have to face whenever you meet someone new. Will you ever really know the full truth about their past relationships?

 

How would I even know for sure that he's truly divorced? At some point, would I actually ask to see the papers for myself? I'm sure there are many men out there who claim to be divorced but are really only "separated." He is a gentlemen that lives about 3 hours from me so it's not like we live in the same small town and I'd hear "the truth."

 

He is in my town this weekend, visiting some relatives. We talked last night about meeting this weekend. I'd suggested getting together tomorrow night for a drink. He seemed a little hesitant about that, almost, so I asked him if maybe he already had plans with his relatives, he then said he didn't.

 

He phoned me this evening from his relatives home, and discussed when we'd meet tomorrow for a drink. I found this a little bit odd. He told me that he could only meet me around 4pm or 5pm, because "they have my weekend planned for me and I don't know the itinerary yet." I almost get the impression that he's wanting to meet early because he maybe has plans to meet some other woman later in the evening? (possibly something he arranged in advance, and is the real reason for his trip here). Who goes for drinks at 4pm in the afternoon?

 

This is something else that causes me to wonder. He stated that when his wife left him, he left her with basically all of their household possessions, like furniture. He is now living with some friends. He says that basically he has to "start over." I have never been married or divorced but I would think that when a couple split up, they would split up their possessions more evenly, versus one person being left with nothing and having to start all over. They didn't own a home together, they rented.

 

Something else I should mention, after he was going on about his ex wife, he did stop at one point and make the comment, "Well let's talk about something else now." I took that to mean he was a little embarassed to be talking to a potential new SO, about his ex.

 

I wish that there were some clear cut warning signs to be watchful of, some sure way to determine whether he's truly ready to begin a new relationship or not. I suppose if we go for drinks and he brings up his ex again, then maybe I can assume that things are still too fresh for him? What do you think? What should I be watching and listening for?

 

kimmie

[Laurynn]

Where on the internet did you meet him? Like a chat room or the Internet Personals? If it's the latter, it would be interesting to know when he placed a personal ad. If he says he's been officially divorced for 2 weeks now, did he turn to the Internet to meet someone the day after his divorce was final? If that's the case, that may or may not mean anything.

 

I had a bad experience nearly 3 years ago, with a guy I met through the Net Personals. When I first met him online, he told me he and his (ex)wife had been separated for over a year (his wife had even been living with another guy for all that time) and that his divorce was to be final in one month. I guess I was a little naive, so I believed him. He told me all the tales of his bad marriage.....his ex wife had a drug addiction problem, had cheated, was abusive to him, etc. He painted this picture of him having been miserable for many years, even though still married...and that he stayed married that long, only because of their 2 children, he didn't want to split up the family.

 

I was a little vulnerable at this time in my life. I'd been divorced 4 yrs prior (married to an abusive guy) and up until having met this guy, I was still too untrusting of men to get into a relationship. When I met this guy, he really swept me off my feet!! Looking back, I really can't believe i would have dated someone who wasn't officially/legally divorced..but at the time, he convinced me that we were 'soulmates' and that there was no question that we were meant to be together.....that I was the woman for him.

 

As it turns out, the b*stard hadn't yet FILED for divorce. So obviously, the divorce was not going to be final in one month. Guess how I found this out? Well, we had a whirlwind relationship, and things moved very quickly. I met and loved his Mom and Dad, and his daughters, and my family loved him too (okay, strongly liked, not loved). He ended up proposing to me. Shortly after that, when it came time to setting a wedding date, the 'deal' with the divorce came to light. It was then that I found out the paperwork hadn't even been started. Unfortunately, I was too 'lovestruck' to see that as a huge red flag. Neither him or his wife could afford a costly divorce (with lawyers), so I encouraged him to do his divorce like I did....you buy one of those kits and 'do it yourself' (all the forms). So guess who did all the paperwork for his divorce? Me. Isn't that special.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to point out to you that it might not be a bad idea, as awkward as it would be to make the request, that you actually SEE for yourself, the divorce papers. I guess some might call me overly skeptical but one bit, twice shy. Up until that guy, I never dreamt that a man would lie about his marital status......or propose to someone based on lies (that he was in fact, still legally married and not even FREE to propose)

 

Now in the case of my ex-fiance (I'll use that term loosely), even though he'd told me of this horrible marriage, where the past 3-4 yrs were hell for him and his kids, the more I got to know him, the more I started to realize that he had truly never dealt with the end of his marriage. He came across as hating his ex wife, but in time, behind those angry glares he'd toss her way (when we were out at the kid's school functions, we went separately of course), I could see a real look of deep hurt. As it turns out, the divorce never actually took place. I got all kinds of excuses (he finally went to a lawyer when he ex started making a fuss, so the do it yourself kit wasn't enough). That's when I realized I had just wasted my time and love big time.

 

Someone once told me that a person who goes through a divorce, needs about a year to really deal with it all. Even if their marriage was bad, they still have to grieve the loss of that bond/marriage. If your guy has only been divorced for 2 weeks, it could be that up until he was officially divorced, he didn't feel morally *right* dating, but now he's ready to roll.

 

As for what warning signs to look for, I really don't know what to say or advise. For me, I often just get a 'feel' when something doesn't seem right (and if I'm not sure, then I come here and express my analyses hahaha).

 

I do find it a little strange, his request to meet you for drinks so early in the day. I too, think it sounds like he already has plans for the evening, but still does want to meet you. Or maybe it's that he's leary about meeting someone off the Net, and he feels more comfortable meeting earlier, in case things don't work out...than he hasn't wasted an entire Saturday night???

 

Laurynn

[Laurynn]

Even though I did write a lot, I did forget something *L*

 

One of the most important things I wanted to share with you was that in the case of my ex fiance, even though he and ex wife had been separated for over a year, he was enormously hurt that so soon after they'd separated, that she moved in with another guy. He dealt with this hurt, by immediately getting into a relationship with someone, too. Then when that didn't work out (as I later found out, after he and I split up, things didn't work in that rebound relationship for him, I guess because the girl he was with sensed that he was still in love with his wife), he started up a relationship with me. So, he really never took any *time* to deal with his hurts/feelings/frustrations. He just went from marriage to girlfriend to girlfriend (fiancee). He obviously thought that he could mask his loss/pain/hurt/feeling betrayed by jumping into love with someone else. Especially because he greatly resented the fact that his wife had shacked up with someone basically the day he moved out (when they separated). I think part of the reason he proposed to me so soon into our relationship, was to 'get back at his ex wife'......to REALLLLY show her that he'd supposedly 'moved on.' But this truly wasn't the case. Unfortunately, I got hurt in the process (though I do share part of the blame because I obviously was being pretty naive with the whole thing).

 

So yes, there is a very good chance that you're a 'rebound girl'......heck, you don't even know for SURE how long they've been separated/living apart. I don't know where you are, but here in Canada, a couple has to be apart for 1 yr (living completely separate and apart, and get a signed affadavit to verify this) before they can get a divorce. That might differ from country to country, state to state. For all you know, he and his ex haven't REALLY been apart for that long, but they were able to get a divorce quickly.

 

Laurynn

[WGirl]

I agree with Laurynn. This doesn't sound like the best way to start a relationship. I would think if he really did have an awful experience with his ex-wife, he wouldn't be ready to jump into another relationship. I could be wrong.

 

Even if he had a lot of bitter feelings toward his wife, I don't see why he is discussing it so much with you. That is like a no-no in dating. It is not healthy to discuss your ex all the time. It sounds like he may still be living in the past. Although he has made his wife out to be a basket case, I would take that with a grain of salt until you get to know him better. Sometimes people who bash the crap out of the other partner have issues themselves in which they don't want to bear any of the responsibility. He could be blaming her for everything even if it wasn't her fault. Obviously, he has a lot of anger. Tread lightly and look for any red flags.