Struggling with partners past

[Scops]

Hi, I've been in a relationship with my partner for 5 years now and lately I have been getting very upset thinking about her sexual past.

 

The thing is, I knew her when we were both around 16 but she lived far away from me so we use to talk online. We had a strong connection and met up occasionally. One day, online, she told me she loved me and I already felt the same way so I fell hard for her.

 

We were never really together then, as in, we never slept together or even kissed. One day she stopped talking to me out of the blue. She eventually told me the reason was because she had started dating somebody, I was crushed. Naively I had assumed that we would be together when she moved to my city to study. We stopped talking all together and lost contact for a few years.

 

I never dated or slept with anyone in that period of time as I was very self conscious and had no confidence to put myself out there, as well as being heart broken.

 

We eventually got back in contact when we were 20 and started dating. She had several partners in our time apart and it did bother me a little when we initially started dating but it is greatly bothering me now. I keep thinking back to the time we had apart and how I spent soo much time feeling sad about her and about how I missed opportunities to move on while she was off having a good time not thinking about me. It makes me feel pathetic. She has also divulged too much information to me about her past as well and I keep getting images of her with these other guys, it is very upsetting.

 

I love her and I know she loves me but I can't stop feeling a mixture of aggravation and envy about her past experiences. I want to be able to move on from these feelings as I know I want to be with her but I can't help feeling like I have missed out on experiencing a part of life that she got to have.

[Vercetti]

Normally I wouldn't say this. You have a right to feel bad, she cut you out went for other men...Then when that failed...oh yeah hi plan B haven't talked in so long, let me catch you up on who was sleeping with me.

 

I don't know, next time don't invest time long distance, don't be a friend, make Roma.tic intentions clear. Don't think the guys was with chatted her up for years. Pen pals with women you desire is pointless.

[dental]

Whining men are the least attractive, grow up!

[nescafe1982]

It might help to consider whether your envy/resentment has less to do with her than with your own regret.

 

When I read your post, this is what I am hearing: "I had a relationship with this person when we were quite young. At one point, we took a break, and she dated and carried on with her life as a normal person does. I, however, did not move on and instead shut down for a bit. Eventually, we got back together, and things are great... except that now I resent her for having recovered during our break when I could not do so."

 

Bear in mind, OP, I'm not trying to provoke you or be mean in any way. But her actions sound like those of a normal person who has experienced a break up. I wonder if the fact that you did not successfully recover during the 'break' is a factor in the feelings you're expressing now.

 

If you reframe this issue, bearing in mind that moving on is a totally normal, human response (e.g. not a betrayal or something wrong), then maybe you can begin to process these insecurities for what they are: insecurities. This approach also keeps you from externalizing your feelings or projecting them onto her. If you two have an otherwise good relationship, you don't want to be resenting/blaming her for these feelings.

 

At the same time, though, I think you would be totally right to let her know that when she overshares about her past romances, it makes you feel really insecure. She should respect that and stop telling you all about this stuff... you really don't need to hear that.

[central]

Your own failings are your problem, not hers. She was mature enough to explore other relationships, but you lacked the ability. That is NOT her fault. That she still chose you after having a basis for comparison speaks well of your appeal and attraction for her. That will have to be enough as now you cannot undo what is done, or do what you should have done had you had the maturity and confidence to pursue others when you had the chance. Let it go, or let her go to find someone who is a mature adult with self-confidence. Retroactive jealousy is a huge flaw and will destroy your relationship. Deal with it, even if that requires professional help.

[sandylee1]

You were very young when you had your initial relationship and I think she should have ended it properly. She dated others and you were free to do so, but choose not to. That's not her fault. If you feel more confident now , I suggest you explain how you feel to her and think about breaking up so you can play the field a bit.

 

If you get back with her .......fine. If not...you move on. I'm not sure how old you are, or how serious the relationship is....like any talk of marriage or engagement.

 

You want to experience others ....so do so without cheating on her now or further down the line.

[GoodOnPaper]

I think being able to relate to your partner's level of life experience is a huge part of compatibility and you no longer seem to relate. That's perfectly understandable and you have every reason to be concerned. I think what's gnawing at your brain is that you feel you are re-entering this relationship from a position of emotional weakness. It's not a matter of "immaturity".

 

Look, the late teens and early 20s part of life is the kid-in-a-candy-store dating phase for girls - they can endlessly monkeybranch to new guys on a weekly basis if they want. Guys with even a little sensitivity and relationship-mindedness just can't keep up in that fashion.

 

Unlike what most posters seem to think, you have just as much of a right as she did to gain a more varied experience. It may take you more time to get that and if it is that important, you may need to put your current relationship on the back burner. If you do that remember that she's the one who missed her chance.

[TX-SC]

There really is no way to "fix" this other than breaking up and dating someone else. The past is the past. You can't fix that. You will simply have to come to terms with it or break up and move on.

 

One word of advice though: Very few girls at your age will be virgins. So, if you break up, expect to have the same issues with the next gf. Look at it this way, she tried a few guys but chose you in the end. There's nothing at all wrong with that. What you have to decide is all about you and whether you can go on without experiencing other women.

[road]

Very few girls at your age will be virgins. So, if you break up, expect to have the same issues with the next gf. Look at it this way, she tried a few guys but chose you in the end. There's nothing at all wrong with that.

 

 

 

 

And:

 

 

She treats you good.

 

 

She is hot.

 

 

Sex is great.

 

 

She chose you in the end so do not mess this up.

[autumnnight]

Please don't marry this woman until you resolve this. SHE doesn't deserve that.

[GoodOnPaper]

Please don't marry this woman until you resolve this. SHE doesn't deserve that.

 

He's the one in a much more vulnerable position and I suspect she knows it. Everyone seems to be applauding her for sowing her oats but coming down on him for needing more time to do the same thing. One thing I know firsthand is that if you are in an LTR or marriage but you don't feel you have experienced being a "normal" functioning single male, it eats away at your masculine self-image much like the OP is describing.

[autumnnight]

He's the one in a much more vulnerable position and I suspect she knows it. Everyone seems to be applauding her for sowing her oats but coming down on him for needing more time to do the same thing. One thing I know firsthand is that if you are in an LTR or marriage but you don't feel you have experienced being a "normal" functioning single male, it eats away at your masculine self-image much like the OP is describing.

 

 

Know what? They were broken up. She didn't cheat. And he doesn't have to be with her. He can choose some pure girl.

 

Listen, forums are full of whiny men who retroactively cannot handle the past they were just fine with before marriage or before commitment. If you can't handle it, break up.

 

This is easy for him to fix. He can break up.

 

If he stays with and hold this against her, when he knows full well what it is, than he deserves no sympathy, and neither do any of these other men.

[nescafe1982]

Everyone seems to be applauding her for sowing her oats but coming down on him for needing more time to do the same thing.

 

I would like to make it clear that I am not "coming down on" the OP for needing more time. It sounds like he encountered some difficulty when they had their last break... that is rough stuff and I feel for him. I'm not judging him for his actions during the break... I don't think many of the posters here are, either.

 

But the root issue here is insecurity: an understandable, totally-normal type of insecurity, but one that he will need to actively work on if he wants to preserve this relationship. The only other option is continued unhappiness.

 

And the first step? Admitting that her actions during their break were normal. She wasn't "sowing wild oats." She was moving on. She didn't come back and "settle" for him... she came back because she realized she loved him. To think of the issue in terms of "scoring v settling" is toxic and only fuels the negative thought pattern.

[GoodOnPaper]

@autumnnight: Good grief, this is a kid who is in the emotional throws of his first relationship. He's not going to know how to deal with potential red flags until he's actually experiencing them in a relationship setting. She got to "go around the block" and learn these things. He needs the same opportunity -- therefore, he does need more slack. If she doesn't see that, then she is just taking advantage of his feelings and his inexperience. Quite frankly, I think that is what she's doing.

[TX-SC]

@autumnnight: Good grief, this is a kid who is in the emotional throws of his first relationship. He's not going to know how to deal with potential red flags until he's actually experiencing them in a relationship setting. She got to "go around the block" and learn these things. He needs the same opportunity -- therefore, he does need more slack. If she doesn't see that, then she is just taking advantage of his feelings and his inexperience. Quite frankly, I think that is what she's doing.

 

Oh good Lord man! Did you read the post?

 

He had a crush on her at 15. They never dated. She dated other guys, as teenagers typically do, then at age 20 they hooked up and started dating. THEY NEVER DATED! What she did was normal. It was the OP who abnormally held on to something that never was and didn't date anyone.

 

He simply has to admit and accept that she did nothing to hurt him. If he can't, he needs to move on. He might need more experience. If so, good for him. Go get it. But don't expect her to not date anyone else while he is "catching up" to her past.

 

OP, you feel slighted. I truly get that. I never got around as much as some people but I had plenty of partners. I can tell you that sleeping around isn't all that it's cracked up to be. If I had met my wife earlier, I would be content with a "number" of 1.

Edited September 7, 2015 by TX-SC

[autumnnight]

I just don't want this sweet young man to end up married for 20 years and punishing his wife for her pre marriage past, telling other men on forums how awful thesis women a few.

 

He's got more potential than that.

[autumnnight]

That was supposed to say telling other men how awful their women are

[Horton]

The one thing I've taken away from reading relationships boards is that many women hate men who feel uncomfortable about a woman's sexual history, no matter how gentle he is about it. My belief is that it triggers their sense of guilt/shame for their own 'colorful' past and their fears of being labeled as 'tainted goods' by potential suitors when they disclose it to them(if they disclose it to them).

 

I'd advise you to search for some kind of men's only board and seek their counsel, cause you're likely just gonna get a lot of women taking their frustrations out on you for the next 20 pages. You are not their husband/boyfriend/ex but you will be treated as such. If you can handle that then stick around, either way good luck guy.

[nescafe1982]

My belief is that it triggers their sense of guilt/shame for their own 'colorful' past and their fears of being labeled as 'tainted goods' by potential suitors when they disclose it to them(if they disclose it to them.)

 

Believe what you will, but this is probably the wrong conclusion to draw from your observation of these forums. You are right: many (most?) women dislike hearing that men judge them or feel insecure because of the sexual history, their 'number,' etc.

 

But the reason that many (most?) women resent it is because their sexual history a) has no bearing on whether they will succeed in a romantic relationship, b) is not really the business of a new suitor, and c) is often subject to a sexist double-standard that both objectifies women (as "goods" as you colorfully assert here) and boils down their romantic availability to that of their sex organs.

 

Men who worry about women's numbers are externalizing their own insecurities in the best case scenario. In the worst case, however, there are men who have seriously questionable ideas about women and their 'place' in a relationship that manifest themselves though sexual policing or other judgmental behaviors. Women do tend to hate that.

 

In either case, though, it's the men who lose out by carrying these ideas around. Fixating on a woman's numbers is hugely disempowering for a man. It leaves him with few options when he's faced with a woman he loves on one hand, and a discomforting feeling caused by his own parochial sexual ideas, on the other. And it's easier to change one's perspective than it is to change the past.

Edited September 7, 2015 by nescafe1982

[Scops]

Hey everyone, thanks for the replies it has helped. I've got no one to really talk to about this so any opinion helps.

 

Peoples comments about my insecurities are probably accurate because during the time when my partner and I were younger I was very over weight and I use to get bullied a lot. She did give me confidence to lose weight and I ended up losing 30 or so kilos. I've always had issues with my body so her telling me about her previous partners big dick or knowing that one of her other partners was a buff guy does bring up issues for me.

 

Just to clarify, I don't think that my feelings about what happened in the past are rational. I know it was unrealistic for me to expect that we would be together then due to the distance between us, I was young and naive. What upsets me is that I belived that she did want to be with me and she told me she loved me first, so as a fat teen, with low self esteem, the idea of a girl I liked actually liking me and apparently loving me instead of laughing in my face or being disgusted by the thought of being with me felt nice. So it really hurt when it wasn't the case.

 

I believe she loves me now, though after we got together she told me she has a problem with getting validation from men. This came up after I found out she had made out with 2 different guys when we were actually together. Thinking about that now makes me feel even more stupid because clearly back then she didn't love me and must have just been enjoying the feeling of knowing I loved her. This upsets me because I could have moved on, instead I spent time mourning over something that wasn't real in the first place. I only started putting myself out there a few months before we reunited and I feel as though I wasted time.

 

Our sex life isn't great at the moment and I feel as though she isn't interested in me and I don't want my sex life to be like this in my mid twenties. I guess knowing that she has had a past makes me feel like she has done want she wanted to do with others and now she has just settled with me because I've always been there and doesn't want to try anymore.

 

I do love her though and I want to work through these negative feelings I have because I don't know if it's worth throwing away all the good things just so I can sleep around. That's why I'm here.

[autumnnight]

The one thing I've taken away from reading relationships boards is that many women hate men who feel uncomfortable about a woman's sexual history, no matter how gentle he is about it. My belief is that it triggers their sense of guilt/shame for their own 'colorful' past and their fears of being labeled as 'tainted goods' by potential suitors when they disclose it to them(if they disclose it to them).

 

I'd advise you to search for some kind of men's only board and seek their counsel, cause you're likely just gonna get a lot of women taking their frustrations out on you for the next 20 pages. You are not their husband/boyfriend/ex but you will be treated as such. If you can handle that then stick around, either way good luck guy.

 

Nope. Not me.

 

My problem is when someone knows about the past, continues the relationship, and then retroactively decides he can't handle it.

 

In no rational world is that commendable.

[ShatteredLady]

She was a 'child', you BOTH were. When you say she was making out when you were together you do mean the FIRST time don't you? When you were having the teen Internet relationship?

 

It does make me laugh when people think someone is 'purer' because they only had 1 partner! I think you do more in a stable, long term relationship than you ever do in 10 ONS's!!!

 

I understand that you had low self esteme. If you had been a drop dead gorgeous teen with girls throwing themselves at you...can you honestly say you would of stayed 'pure' for her all this time?

Your sex life probably isn't great because she feels insecure & judged by you. Nothing kill passion & natural expression faster than feeling like that! I'd be frightened to even initiate sex with you for fear of seeming forward or 'loose'!!

 

Like many young people with low self esteem I think you are far more concerned with your feelings than hers. It's ok. That's a young thing.

You can either get over this & appologise to her, really talk about this & move forward or just split-up & live more life.

If she didn't have insecurities going into this relationship she's still going to be a mess coming out. Please think about what you're doing to the woman you say you love.

[Scops]

She was a 'child', you BOTH were. When you say she was making out when you were together you do mean the FIRST time don't you? When you were having the teen Internet relationship?

 

No, I'm talking about when we were actually together in our twenties not the time when we talked online.

 

I think you're misunderstanding me. I don't like thinking about her past but I'm worried about her being "pure." I feel if had a past as well I wouldn't be so worried about hers.

[nescafe1982]

Scops, first of all, CONGRATS on losing 30 kilos! That's a real feat and one I hope you're rightly proud of.

 

I'll also say that for me, your post illustrates a sincerity and a level of self-honesty that are not only rare, but also make me think you're going to be just fine.

 

It seems as though you could use a little help building your self-image and self-esteem. If you are able to do so, I would urge you to consider seeing a therapist to help you out as you work through some of this stuff. A trusted professional would be so much better than a bunch of anonymous (and admittedly novice) strangers on the internet.

 

I say this because:

1) everyone can use a therapeutic "tune up" from time to time, and it sounds like you're open to working on yourself so find the best professional out there, and;

2) often a lack of sex in a relationship can be a symptom of larger self-image issues. That, plus your reported weight problem in the past makes me think perhaps your self-image hasn't yet caught up to your new size.

 

Still, OP, I applaud you on making these changes in your life. Keep working on it, and in time these insecurities will be a distant memory.

[sheberiding]

If you are feeling like you are in need of more expieriences go out and get it. Date some other women and increase your numbers. You can either cheat or tell her. If you tell her your relationship might end. If you cheat the above may also happen or you will have to live guilt. You can also try therapy or learn to live with the retroactive jealousy. Those are your only choices, she can't make up for the past. And yes it's true she probably loved the sex with the other guys but she chose you so her you are.