For people having trouble attracting others

[JuneJulySeptember]

Lately, I have been trying something different and it has helped, and I would like to share this with guys who are having trouble attracting women (because that is what I know), but really anybody who is having trouble attracting anybody. You might have to be older (at least ~mid-30s) to truly appreciate this advice.

 

Dating does not define who you are. Dating is about what does a person offer me? What does their face, their body, their style of dress, their job, their personality make me feel about myself and how does it improve my life? Now I don't believe established relationships are necessarily selfish in the same way, but the initial screen of who you want to be in that relationship with is.

 

The opposite in this world of being selfish is caring for others, others who have it worse than you, others who need help, others who need a kind word. If you put yourself in that mentality, then you will think less about "Why can't I attract women? Why can't I get the good looking, successful, cool person I deserve? What do I lack and what can I improve so that potential mates and people will like me more." That is all about me, me, me. It's competitive, makes you jealous of others, and bitter.

 

One way to extricate yourself from this attitude is to become more selfless. I have always volunteered sporadically, but lately I have been spending more time doing this, and even if you don't do it proactively, just thinking about it and thinking outside of YOURSELF will put a new spin on relationships with people. Always give a dollar at donations. Always be on the lookout to help other people or animals. Or do things for your friends to help them. But here's the trick. You must expect absolutely ZERO in return for your help. No romantic interests or friends who appreciate your deeds. Because that is back to being selfish and "What do I get for what I've done?"

 

You may be ugly, a bad dresser, boring, unintelligent, unfunny, unconfident, ultimately never able to attract a mate or really a lot of friends. That does not define the character of person you are and what you can ultimately contribute to this world.

 

It doesn't mean give up. It just means approach it from a different mentality. It might make you happier.

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited September 6, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[Els]

The post was a little convoluted - I initially thought that you were advocating selfishness. But once I got the message, I agree.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Lately, I have been trying something different and it has helped, and I would like to share this with guys who are having trouble attracting women (because that is what I know), but really anybody who is having trouble attracting anybody. You might have to be older (at least ~mid-30s) to truly appreciate this advice.

 

Dating does not define who you are. Dating is about what does a person offer me? What does their face, their body, their style of dress, their job, their personality make me feel about myself and how does it improve my life? Now I don't believe established relationships are necessarily selfish in the same way, but the initial screen of who you want to be in that relationship with is.

 

The opposite in this world of being selfish is caring for others, others who have it worse than you, others who need help, others who need a kind word. If you put yourself in that mentality, then you will think less about "Why can't I attract women? Why can't I get the good looking, successful, cool person I deserve? What do I lack and what can I improve so that potential mates and people will like me more." That is all about me, me, me. It's competitive, makes you jealous of others, and bitter.

 

One way to extricate yourself from this attitude is to become more selfless. I have always volunteered sporadically, but lately I have been spending more time doing this, and even if you don't do it proactively, just thinking about it and thinking outside of YOURSELF will put a new spin on relationships with people. Always give a dollar at donations. Always be on the lookout to help other people or animals. Or do things for your friends to help them. But here's the trick. You must expect absolutely ZERO in return for your help. No romantic interests or friends who appreciate your deeds. Because that is back to being selfish and "What do I get for what I've done?"

 

You may be ugly, a bad dresser, boring, unintelligent, unfunny, unconfident, ultimately never able to attract a mate or really a lot of friends. That does not define the character of person you are and what you can ultimately contribute to this world.

 

It doesn't mean give up. It just means approach it from a different mentality. It might make you happier.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

I agree, do for others and expect nothing in return.

 

The other day, I helped a friend paint their new home and expected nothing in return. Found it a bit therapeutic actually and something I haven't done in a while. It was indeed a spin on things. :-)

 

I've been invited to the homeowners opening once the move is complete because I helped and I wasn't expecting that in return. :-) It just felt nice to help.

 

Online dating profiles I've read seem to demonstrate quite the opposite...they seem to write-up in a way as if they have an axe to grind and "you better meet my list of qualifications, or else!" or a "my way or the highway attitude."

[hotpotato]

I guess I'll be the voice of dissent...

 

What works in volunteering or whatever, doesn't work in relationships. When you're in a relationship, you have to meet someone expectations. This doesn't stop after the honeymoon phases, otherwise people wouldn't split after years.

 

I've already tried doing for others, being nice in relationships, didn't work.

[Strahatmak]

I have a long volunteering history LOL. I look for nothing but a fun or a good learning time.

 

I almost ask nothing in return; though in the end I'm always the one who got taken benefits or advantages by my dating partners.

 

I had a long chat with a friend lately. The key takeaway was that we had to drop the "what-I-want" list, but instead need to focus on "what-I-don't-need" list: I don't need dramatic people; I don't need busy people; I don't need people who don't respect me, etc. We will find how easy we used to chop good potential dates from our list LOL

[JuneJulySeptember]

What works in volunteering or whatever, doesn't work in relationships. When you're in a relationship, you have to meet someone expectations. This doesn't stop after the honeymoon phases, otherwise people wouldn't split after years.

 

I've already tried doing for others, being nice in relationships, didn't work.

 

 

I almost ask nothing in return; though in the end I'm always the one who got taken benefits or advantages by my dating partners.

 

 

You kind of missed the point. The point is that you will not get anything back from helping others. In fact, if anything it will probably make you less attractive.

 

The point is you get absolutely nothing, but helping gives you ... sort of a purpose in this world I guess you could say. It replaces the "What do I get?"

 

Just a tidbit of advice. Nothing more.

Edited September 6, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[carhill]

Thanks OP. IME it works great and I adopted that attitude about a generation or so ago. That's probably why I have friendships numbered in decades. If things go well I'll die broke with a smile on my face and lots of fun times and love in between. In fact, your thread reminded me to stop by the local volunteer fire department and railway museum where I just bought a new place to volunteer my skillset to help out those communities. Great way to meet people and get the creative juices flowing.

 

About the only downside I've noted over the decades is one of skepticism, where people keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and that sometimes inhibits authentic interactions. Most of the time that can be resolved, or I simply move on to other interactions. It all works out.

 

I don't believe the attitude had anything to do with romantic relationships, and I've seen the gamut, but have no way of verifying that. I never met any romantic prospects socially as a result of my work and volunteering, mostly all online far away from my usual hangouts and stuff I did.

[hotpotato]

You kind of missed the point. The point is that you will not get anything back from helping others. In fact, if anything it will probably make you less attractive.

 

The point is you get absolutely nothing, but helping gives you ... sort of a purpose in this world I guess you could say. It replaces the "What do I get?"

 

Just a tidbit of advice. Nothing more.

 

Btw, i am a volunteer, and i also donate to charity. No one expects to get much of anything from charity, as they shouldnt. People are out to get something out of a relationship. If this were not true, mates would be a lit more intetchangeable.

 

I thought the point of ops post was to treat relationships as you would volunteering-that is not expecting much but instead of giving. Im saying treating relationships like that is a bad choice, bc after all ive btdt. If that was not the point of the post, please correct me if im wrong...

[LookAtThisPOst]

Thanks OP. IME it works great and I adopted that attitude about a generation or so ago. That's probably why I have friendships numbered in decades. If things go well I'll die broke with a smile on my face and lots of fun times and love in between. In fact, your thread reminded me to stop by the local volunteer fire department and railway museum where I just bought a new place to volunteer my skillset to help out those communities. Great way to meet people and get the creative juices flowing.

 

About the only downside I've noted over the decades is one of skepticism, where people keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and that sometimes inhibits authentic interactions. Most of the time that can be resolved, or I simply move on to other interactions. It all works out.

 

I don't believe the attitude had anything to do with romantic relationships, and I've seen the gamut, but have no way of verifying that. I never met any romantic prospects socially as a result of my work and volunteering, mostly all online far away from my usual hangouts and stuff I did.

 

The only downside to volunteering is the demographic of people there.

 

Most are older, retirees because they have all the time in the world to volunteer.

 

Most I've discovered are married retirees. Also, chances are you'll probably be the only single guy in the crowd.

 

Singles typically don't congregate too much in volunteer venues as they are busy being "single and on the prowl" at venues such as night clubs, bars...and if not those places, Meetup events or larger city night life arenas.

 

I have noticed the local fairs and flea market extravaganza play host to a lot of people my age, but married family pushing around baby strollers, with a hot mom holding a toddlers hand. lol

 

So the most I get out of people watching is checking out the hot tank-topped moms and pretending the kids and husband isn't there for a moment. lol j/k.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Btw, i am a volunteer, and i also donate to charity. No one expects to get much of anything from charity, as they shouldnt. People are out to get something out of a relationship. If this were not true, mates would be a lit more intetchangeable.

 

I thought the point of ops post was to treat relationships as you would volunteering-that is not expecting much but instead of giving. Im saying treating relationships like that is a bad choice, bc after all ive btdt. If that was not the point of the post, please correct me if im wrong...

 

Well more or less, the point is that it will not work and you won't have a relationship.

 

You may/will die alone, but you can be happy because you have made the world a better place.

 

You have to be a certain age and have a certain mental tick to buy into it. I wasn't really trying to make another Loveshack argument/debate. Just a bit of advice for people who really struggle to attract others.

 

It has really helped me. The other thing that has helped me has been staying off here. Lol. But I digress...

Edited September 6, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[Imajerk17]

Well, one of the most attractive quality one can have is *genuine concern for others*. In fact, this quality in its absence is repulsive. I mean, how long could you stand someone who is self-absorbed even if she is physically attractive? That would get old for me extremely quickly.

 

But I think that's besides the point of this thread. That's awesome JJS you are volunteering though for the right reasons--because you want to make a positive difference in someone else's life.

Edited September 6, 2015 by Imajerk17

[hotpotato]

Well more or less, the point is that it will not work and you won't have a relationship.

 

You may/will die alone, but you can be happy because you have made the world a better place.

 

You have to be a certain age and have a certain mental tick to buy into it. I wasn't really trying to make another Loveshack argument/debate. Just a bit of advice for people who really struggle to attract others.

 

It has really helped me. The other thing that has helped me has been staying off here. Lol. But I digress...

 

What wont work? Plenty of selfish people have relationship. Most human relationships arent altruistic. If you are dating or in a committed relationship, they are giving you something or doing something for you in one way or another. I guess thats why im not understanding these posts ???

 

Im glad it has worked for you, buuut i wont be doing it, or rather applying this to romantic relationships. Btw i do think its great to make the make the world a better place. Im just saying being xharitable isnt the same as dating or relationships. I still dont know if im understanding correctly.

[bluefeather]

Well the message I got was try to be a little more giving, and maybe you will become a more likable person, or at least in general, happier with yourself, which could make you a more likable person anyway.

[hotpotato]

I agree, do for others and expect nothing in return.

 

The other day, I helped a friend paint their new home and expected nothing in return. Found it a bit therapeutic actually and something I haven't done in a while. It was indeed a spin on things. :-)

 

I've been invited to the homeowners opening once the move is complete because I helped and I wasn't expecting that in return. :-) It just felt nice to help.

 

Online dating profiles I've read seem to demonstrate quite the opposite...they seem to write-up in a way as if they have an axe to grind and "you better meet my list of qualifications, or else!" or a "my way or the highway attitude."

 

Well, yes, in dating and mating, we want people to meet our standards. Is the problem that these women were in yo face with it?

[ltjg45]

What wont work? Plenty of selfish people have relationship. Most human relationships arent altruistic. If you are dating or in a committed relationship, they are giving you something or doing something for you in one way or another. I guess thats why im not understanding these posts ???

 

Im glad it has worked for you, buuut i wont be doing it, or rather applying this to romantic relationships. Btw i do think its great to make the make the world a better place. Im just saying being xharitable isnt the same as dating or relationships. I still dont know if im understanding correctly.

 

The real question is do you really want a relationship so bad that you are willing to be with a selfish person as opposed to being single?

 

I can tell you that I don't. I rather be single for 10 years if all of the single women around me is all much more selfish than I am.

 

It says a lot when there is an army of unhappy relationships around. That is because people rather have any relationship than be single. It is one thing to accept a flaw or two from your partner if he or she brings a lot of other good qualities to the table but it is another when I see constant arguing and drama to the point where I can't see either person ever coming to a compromise. It is a miracle that they can actually have sex without one person knocking out the other.

 

This is why I am single. I would want to be in a relationship but if no one around me is a good match for me, I will be glad to stay unattached. I wish more people would do the same but that is a lot to ask from such a social species like us.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Well, yes, in dating and mating, we want people to meet our standards. Is the problem that these women were in yo face with it?

 

I'm not sure I follow. I'm not talking about standards, I'm talking about people who seem to have an axe to grind and come off condescending and rigid in their profiles.

 

They are actually likely chasing off any potential partners that ARE compatible, typically how they present themselves in their profile write-ups. They come off negative.

[ZA Dater]

Dating is about what does a person offer me? What does their face, their body, their style of dress, their job, their personality make me feel about myself and how does it improve my life?

 

Extremely profound and also very true.

 

I don't speak from any real position of knowledge here but I think too often people who battle get caught up in a bubble whereby the above is lost on them, guys in particular, yes I believed being a nice guy was enough for me, I believed this for years and hit my head against the wall many times.

 

I realised I needed to BE who someone would want to be with and yes that means pandering to a certain extent to the superficial, trying to make myself look as hot as I can, being complimentary, being spontaneous but if I would guess the biggest impediment people face is the mind and how they think about dating.

 

Over thinking merely fosters more self doubt than it fosters confidence.

 

I agree volunteering can be a good idea BUT its the magic fix to battling to date, its merely a side show.

[LookAtThisPOst]

that means pandering to a certain extent to the superficial

 

This is something I've refuse to do, and you should refuse to go along with this mentality if you want to be happy.

 

I came to this realization when I had a "know-it-all" metrosexual male tried to give me fashion pointers, even when it comes to going to casual Pool/BBQ parties or even outdoor events where I don't give a rats arse what I wear.

 

I had to laugh that this guy went on one date with a woman that he didn't bother seeing again. Turns out, I dated this woman and I'm still friends with her...we both got a kick out of that guy as she mentioned he comes off as seemingly gay in his mannerisms.

 

He said he wanted to take me out shopping to add to my wardrobe. When told her this, she thought that was very weird. LOL

 

She told me I could be the one giving him the pointers as I was able to score multiple dates with her.

 

So, funny how the perspective is different, and there are no real dating rules that govern when attempting to attract someone.

 

Changing your behavior when attempting to attract women will likely drive away the woman that would have been attracted to you if you didn't make any changes.

[hotpotato]

I'm not sure I follow. I'm not talking about standards, I'm talking about people who seem to have an axe to grind and come off condescending and rigid in their profiles.

 

They are actually likely chasing off any potential partners that ARE compatible, typically how they present themselves in their profile write-ups. They come off negative.

 

Ok, so it was the way she came across because well, everyone has standards.

[Frank2thepoint]

Dating does not define who you are. Dating is about what does a person offer me? What does their face, their body, their style of dress, their job, their personality make me feel about myself and how does it improve my life? Now I don't believe established relationships are necessarily selfish in the same way, but the initial screen of who you want to be in that relationship with is.

 

The opposite in this world of being selfish is caring for others, others who have it worse than you, others who need help, others who need a kind word. If you put yourself in that mentality, then you will think less about "Why can't I attract women? Why can't I get the good looking, successful, cool person I deserve? What do I lack and what can I improve so that potential mates and people will like me more." That is all about me, me, me. It's competitive, makes you jealous of others, and bitter.

 

One way to extricate yourself from this attitude is to become more selfless. I have always volunteered sporadically, but lately I have been spending more time doing this, and even if you don't do it proactively, just thinking about it and thinking outside of YOURSELF will put a new spin on relationships with people. Always give a dollar at donations. Always be on the lookout to help other people or animals. Or do things for your friends to help them. But here's the trick. You must expect absolutely ZERO in return for your help. No romantic interests or friends who appreciate your deeds. Because that is back to being selfish and "What do I get for what I've done?"

 

You may be ugly, a bad dresser, boring, unintelligent, unfunny, unconfident, ultimately never able to attract a mate or really a lot of friends. That does not define the character of person you are and what you can ultimately contribute to this world.

 

You kind of missed the point. The point is that you will not get anything back from helping others. In fact, if anything it will probably make you less attractive.

 

The point is you get absolutely nothing, but helping gives you ... sort of a purpose in this world I guess you could say. It replaces the "What do I get?"

 

I'm with hotpotato on this one. I don't understand the message you are sending, since the title of the thread does not correlate to your posts. Let me explain.

 

Volunteering has nothing to do with attracting a mate. It is a selfless act of helping others. Yes it makes you happier, because you are taking pride in your ability to help others. You don't feel useless, you are a functioning member of society. But unless you advertise that you volunteer to attract a mate, which is a selfish act, then the chance of being noticed is miniscule.

 

But within your posts you're mixing the advice of attracting a mate and being selfless by volunteering, like you are trying to make a cake with flour and screws. Those two are mutually exclusive.

 

On top of that, a person can be extremely happy, and confident, and not had volunteered a minute in his/her life. Such a person can probably attract a mate too.

[hotpotato]

The real question is do you really want a relationship so bad that you are willing to be with a selfish person as opposed to being single?

 

I can tell you that I don't. I rather be single for 10 years if all of the single women around me is all much more selfish than I am.

 

It says a lot when there is an army of unhappy relationships around. That is because people rather have any relationship than be single. It is one thing to accept a flaw or two from your partner if he or she brings a lot of other good qualities to the table but it is another when I see constant arguing and drama to the point where I can't see either person ever coming to a compromise. It is a miracle that they can actually have sex without one person knocking out the other.

 

This is why I am single. I would want to be in a relationship but if no one around me is a good match for me, I will be glad to stay unattached. I wish more people would do the same but that is a lot to ask from such a social species like us.

 

Um, ok...

How does this post relate to volunteering? I guess not much in thus thread is making sense to me.

 

If you dont want to be with someone selfish, then you will be single forever. There is some level of selfishness going on in relationships esp romantic ones.

 

Being a volunteer doesnt mean someone cabt be selfish in relationships, and vice versa.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I'm with hotpotato on this one. I don't understand the message you are sending, since the title of the thread does not correlate to your posts. Let me explain.

 

Volunteering has nothing to do with attracting a mate. It is a selfless act of helping others. Yes it makes you happier, because you are taking pride in your ability to help others. You don't feel useless, you are a functioning member of society. But unless you advertise that you volunteer to attract a mate, which is a selfish act, then the chance of being noticed is miniscule.

 

But within your posts you're mixing the advice of attracting a mate and being selfless by volunteering, like you are trying to make a cake with flour and screws. Those two are mutually exclusive.

 

On top of that, a person can be extremely happy, and confident, and not had volunteered a minute in his/her life. Such a person can probably attract a mate too.

 

Uh, there's no message. It's something that I've done for myself and it makes me happier.

 

Helping other people just makes me feel better about myself and forget about my dating woes.

 

You guys keep asking. "How is helping other people going to help me with dating?"

 

It won't. I have said a million times it has nothing to do with helping you to get a mate. It's just something that helps your psyche and makes you feel better about life.

 

No offense, but this is so Loveshack. You guys continue to try and argue against me even as I have said a million times, that I'm not here for an argument. There's no right or wrong. Helping people has helped my psyche. If you think it won't help you, then don't do it.

 

That's my last post in this thread.

Edited September 7, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[hotpotato]

Uh, there's no message. It's something that I've done for myself and it makes me happier.

 

Helping other people just makes me feel better about myself and forget about my dating woes.

 

You guys keep asking. "How is helping other people going to help me with dating?"

 

It won't.

 

No offense, but this is so Loveshack. You guys continue to try and argue against me even as I have said a million times, that I'm not here for an argument. There's no right or wrong. Helping people has helped my psyche. If you think it's bullsh@t, then don't do it.

 

That's my last post in this thread.

 

Um, im just trying to understand.

No one is saying volunteering is bs. Im a volunteer. Maybe this thread would be better in the off topic section if its not about dating.

[Strahatmak]

I'm with hotpotato on this one. I don't understand the message you are sending, since the title of the thread does not correlate to your posts. Let me explain.

 

Volunteering has nothing to do with attracting a mate. It is a selfless act of helping others. Yes it makes you happier, because you are taking pride in your ability to help others. You don't feel useless, you are a functioning member of society. But unless you advertise that you volunteer to attract a mate, which is a selfish act, then the chance of being noticed is miniscule.

 

But within your posts you're mixing the advice of attracting a mate and being selfless by volunteering, like you are trying to make a cake with flour and screws. Those two are mutually exclusive.

 

On top of that, a person can be extremely happy, and confident, and not had volunteered a minute in his/her life. Such a person can probably attract a mate too.

 

WOW, thank you! This is exactly the reason I felt so odd about the original post. There is no logic in the post that connects volunteering to attractiveness.

 

First of all, no one can deny that some people are looking the generous personality when searching for a date.

 

Like I said, I have a very long volunteering history. I never look for tangible returns from volunteering (and in fact I got some really bad experience from it from time to time); I do look for a fun time, knowing new friends, or a time to learn from others. I though never find any correlation between volunteering and sexual attractiveness. I won't deny that through volunteering, you may attract others during volunteering: either because of your happiness, confidence, talents related to the volunteering work, or even being very non-selfish. However, those can be shown in various other life events.

 

Second, being non-selfish doesn't equal to sexual attractiveness either. True, everybody likes a non-selfish person, and one definiately will attract more friends of being a generous person, but there isn't any correlation to sexual attraction. There are a tons of reasons why someone is such a nice person but never has any sexual attractiveness. I have a few real life examples around me. My conclusion is that being less selfish won't necessarily be the main solution to fix one's attractiveness issue.

 

I agree to learn through volunteering to be less selfish, to look for a purpose of one's life, and to find happiness by helping others. And in the end, these good qualities do have a better chance to help seeking for a good partner or date.

 

I think OP's topic should be "How to live a happier life for people having trouble attracting others." No offense, OP has a good point here, but there's a gap in the logic in the post.

Edited September 7, 2015 by Strahatmak

[bluefeather]

This guy was just trying to give some experiential advice and you people are picking apart his post like literary critics...