For people having trouble attracting others

[lollipopspot]

I agree with you, OP, and I've been advocating that for a long time. To me, few things are more attractive than someone who shares my values and who does service. For me, that guy will have an in quicker than the guy who makes a lot of money or looks like a model.

[JuneJulySeptember]

This guy was just trying to give some experiential advice and you people are picking apart his post like literary critics...

 

Ok. One ... more post.

 

Another piece of advice to be happier and I believe it bears mentioning again.

 

To not spend so much time on Loveshack.

 

I can't even count how many times I've walked away from here steaming mad because some poster and I were going at it.

 

This is the first time I've been on here in like a few months and already there's an argument over a totally neutral post. Not a hint of gender bashing, not a whiff of whining.

 

Can you imagine how miserable I was when I used to post about gender bashing, online dating, and how unfair it was that I was getting rejected from women? Posters used to come after me with tongues lashing and swords drawn without mercy. I remember making a comment about one poster and they came after me with everything and dug into me saying "you suck with women because you are yada, yada, yada". I was upset for probably a week.

 

Nothing against the posters in this thread. It's human nature to want to argue, prove others wrong, point out their flaws. And I cannot for the life of me figure out why. It makes me miserable. But I am logging off today ... for good.

 

Thanks everybody.

Edited September 7, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[GravityMan]

As the OP said, volunteering is a great way to become happier. It's just a good feeling to DO something nice and fun and productive with your life and selflessly contribute something positive to the world, especially if it's for a good cause. It's like doing a nice little gesture for your father, your best friend or your girlfriend without wanting anything in return...you just feel good seeing their face light up.

 

Volunteering will (hopefully) also help you come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you. You gain a much better perspective on life. It's a huge ole' world out there. Compared to some people on this planet who are truly struggling...odds are you have it really good compared to them.

 

When you are happy with yourself and your life, it shows. You're having more fun, you laugh more, you show your natural sense of humor more, you're more at-ease, you're friendlier to others, you're far less likely to be afraid to express yourself, you feel like your life has value and purpose, and so on. Others notice that, and some of them are naturally drawn to that...they want to be around you more. You definitely become more attractive when you're genuinely happy. It can improve your self-esteem...in fact I think happiness and self-esteem are quite intertwined. I don't know very many people who want to hang out with or date some directionless, moody Debbie Downer.

 

Being happy (and confident of course) also may help you cope better with rejection and criticism. You're more likely to understand and be okay with the fact that some woman saying no isn't the end of the world.

[hotpotato]

I agree with you, OP, and I've been advocating that for a long time. To me, few things are more attractive than someone who shares my values and who does service. For me, that guy will have an in quicker than the guy who makes a lot of money or looks like a model.

 

Ok, this i can understand.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Instead of wishing things were easier it's better to wish that you were just a better person overall

[LookAtThisPOst]

 

This is the first time I've been on here in like a few months and already there's an argument over a totally neutral post.

 

 

Like my dad used to say, "Opinions are like *******s, everybody has one."

 

If you think about it, with all message boards, there really comes a time where a post turns into advice and then that single posts evolves into a string of chaotic crap that goes off in another direction.

 

It gets to a point where people argue just for the sake of arguing. It gets to the point where they prefer to enjoy how they argue and how intelligent they sound when they do, even though their argument spun off in a direction that has no relation to the original topic.

 

What's really funny is the off-the-wall analogies they try to create when making examples.

 

You'll see this in threads that span 10 or a dozen pages. lol By that time, some won't have interest in continuing reading it.

[popcornpuff]

One way to extricate yourself from this attitude is to become more selfless. I have always volunteered sporadically, but lately I have been spending more time doing this, and even if you don't do it proactively, just thinking about it and thinking outside of YOURSELF will put a new spin on relationships with people. Always give a dollar at donations. Always be on the lookout to help other people or animals. Or do things for your friends to help them. But here's the trick. You must expect absolutely ZERO in return for your help. No romantic interests or friends who appreciate your deeds. Because that is back to being selfish and "What do I get for what I've done?"

 

In my experience selflessness is an attractive trait and can easily get you many friends and romantic partners. Which is ironic because going in with no expectations as to what you get in return actually gets you greater returns than trying to calculate what will benefit you the most.

[Satu]

From my journal:

 

 

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly.

 

Etc.

[CaliGypsy]

To the OP;

 

I appreciate your heartfelt advice. You know a lot of people on this site are going through a lot of different things, and decided to share with us something that has really made a positive difference in your life.

 

For as many that posted, I'm sure there are plenty more that only read, and maybe took something meaningful away from your experience.

 

I just wanted you to know that what you were trying to convey came across clearly to me.

[Strahatmak]

I have a friend. Truly selfnessless. Looking for zero return from friends or others. She's spent all her life to live as a giving, happy, positive person.

 

Other than a giving person, she has many good qualities. Her body's slim and fit. She's average looking but honestly she looks better than many of her married girl friends. She's not too fashion but also not out-dated. She's polite, caring, and easily satisfied. Though most of our mutual guy friends said that although she's a great friend, she's not attractive. She hasn't been dating for the last 10 years and it wasn't her choice.

 

I wonder what's the reason behind.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I figure one reason why i'm also unsuccessful with women is maybe i'm too picky

[Frank2thepoint]

I have said a million times it has nothing to do with helping you to get a mate. It's just something that helps your psyche and makes you feel better about life.

 

Then you shouldn't have labeled the title of the thread as this: For people having trouble attracting others

 

Yes I am busting your chops, but because your post is not about attracting a mate, but inner peace.

 

 

Another piece of advice to be happier and I believe it bears mentioning again.

 

To not spend so much time on Loveshack.

 

I can't even count how many times I've walked away from here steaming mad because some poster and I were going at it.

 

This is the first time I've been on here in like a few months and already there's an argument over a totally neutral post. Not a hint of gender bashing, not a whiff of whining.

 

Can you imagine how miserable I was when I used to post about gender bashing, online dating, and how unfair it was that I was getting rejected from women? Posters used to come after me with tongues lashing and swords drawn without mercy. I remember making a comment about one poster and they came after me with everything and dug into me saying "you suck with women because you are yada, yada, yada". I was upset for probably a week.

 

Yes I agree with you, partially. There have been moments I too have gotten mad or flustered. But you also have to learn to roll with the punches, and understand the nature of the beast. LS is about all types of relationships, with all types of personalities involved. There are plenty of people on LS I don't agree with, just as plenty don't agree with me. You'll get the same experience offline, when dealing with people at school, work, friends, family, and random strangers.

 

Concerning the people that use the useless advice/critique "you suck with women", just ignore them. It's useless advice coming from people that have nothing constructive to offer. They just like reading their own types words. Ironically, that gem comes from people that have their own problems.

[GunslingerRoland]

Her body's slim and fit. She's average looking but honestly she looks better than many of her married girl friends. She's not too fashion but also not out-dated...

 

Though most of our mutual guy friends said that...she's not attractive.

 

Sounds like she may look significantly more attractive to you than she does to other people. (although you only find her average)

 

Unfortunate but looks do matter.

[AD1980]

I've been pretty selfless all my life and also dateless..

 

Maybe it's time to be a little selfish for once..

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I've been pretty selfless all my life and also dateless..

 

Maybe it's time to be a little selfish for once..

 

it really seems men are more outspoken than women are when it comes to discussing their struggles with attracting the opposite sex

[hotpotato]

I've been pretty selfless all my life and also dateless..

 

Maybe it's time to be a little selfish for once..

 

Thats how i feel. I also feel like the disconnect bc dating is inherently selfish while charity and volunteering are not.

I think the gappiest people in dating are the selfish ones. Being selfless hasnt gotten me shyt in dating world. I think thats best left to charity.

 

I agree with the others, this post is unclear. Maybe a different title would have helped and perhaps moving it to the off topic section. .

[LookAtThisPOst]

it really seems men are more outspoken than women are when it comes to discussing their struggles with attracting the opposite sex

 

That's because the only thing women have to do is show up.

[hotpotato]

That's because the only thing women have to do is show up.

 

Oh really, plenty of women here seem to have problems, though not the same ones as men.

[Rejected Rosebud]

The only downside to volunteering is the demographic of people there.

 

Most are older, retirees because they have all the time in the world to volunteer.

 

Most I've discovered are married retirees. Also, chances are you'll probably be the only single guy in the crowd.

 

How does this tie in with the op?? :confused: He is talking about doing something for others with no goal of getting something in return, what would it matter if you are working together with old people or married or whatever?? :confused:

[Rejected Rosebud]

Instead of wishing things were easier it's better to wish that you were just a better person overall

No it's not better to WISH anything!!! It's better to use your time on this earth to do something worthwhile than to sit around being sad and complaining for what you do not have!!!! Sheesh people!!! :mad:

 

Dear OP I hope you read this. I read your posts in the past and i am so happy you have had this little revelation and I really believe that you are on a track to a more fulfilling life whatever that may look like.

 

It is really disheartening how this thread has devolved into how to be more attractive, online dating foibles, how women have it so easy, blah blah blah. I wish some of you would step away from your preconceived notions and just pay attention to what other people are saying.

Edited September 18, 2015 by Rejected Rosebud

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Oh really, plenty of women here seem to have problems, though not the same ones as men.

 

Ya its just I hardly ever hear women complaining about never having a boyfriend or still a virgin, but there are plenty of guys discussing those struggles, when I hear women complaining, its about problems while in the relationship or keeping a guy, when I hear guys complaining, its usually about getting into a relationship in the first place, getting the girl.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Ya its just I hardly ever hear women complaining about never having a boyfriend or still a virgin, but there are plenty of guys discussing those struggles, when I hear women complaining, its about problems while in the relationship or keeping a guy, when I hear guys complaining, its usually about getting into a relationship in the first place, getting the girl.

 

True, why do you think they picked a MAN for the role of "40 year old virgin" instead of a woman? I mean, if a movie came out about a female 40 year old virgin, would people even go see it? LOL

 

Yeah, a lot of women get their opportunity at least by prom night. If not that, then probably by their first semester in college.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

That's because the only thing women have to do is show up.

 

And it gets annoying, irritating whenever people think us guys have it easier, and I hate it whenever people make the argument to disagree with it by saying "for every girl that has a boyfriend, a guy has a girlfriend" DUH I ****IN' KNOW THAT", its just that the guy had to do all of the work in order to make it happen while all women have to do is either accept or reject at the whim, yes I know its the way the world works, but just because it's the way it is doesn't mean I have to like it or enjoy it.

 

That's why more so lately I feel something is wrong with me on a genetic, instinctive level since I hate, despise, loathe the gender role that guys have to approach and make the first move, be the initiator, since people argue and say guys, men are natural born hunters, pursuers, that normal, emotionally-healthy guys do it automatically, meanwhile I never felt I had those instincts, anyway, its hard to put it into words.

 

That's why I started a thread about it, because maybe something is genetically wrong with me since people say normal guys do not resent being the pursuer

Edited September 19, 2015 by BronzeAgeJaeger217

[xxoo]

Brilliant post and breakthrough, OP. This is the sort of perspective that leads to living a satisfying life.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Bronze

 

since people argue and say guys, men are natural born hunters, pursuers, that normal, emotionally-healthy guys do it automatically, meanwhile I never felt I had those instincts, anyway, its hard to put it into words.

 

Right, and men have to be worried whether or not they are coming off as stalkerish or creepy.