kadmoore Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Hello everyone. Thank you in advance for reading my post. I had posted a week ago about a situation I was dealing with. I had met this guy a month ago and things were going well. Far forward to about a week ago and he started getting very distant after I turned him down to go see a particular movie. He said I didn't think I was ready for a relationship because I was not as demonstrative as he was. Since then he had stopped texting me first and significantly kept pushing back our next potential meeting when I tried to see him again. Last night, I texted him to know exactly what was going on. I asked him whether or not he wanted to continue things with me and this is what he wrote: I will be super honest with you. When we first started dating I was very interested in you and I still am a lot. But you were distant in the beggining and what happened made me think a lot. I think about it a lot since it happened. I do not think that either of us is ready for a long term and serious relationship. You have work and school, and I am not saying that you would not be able to make time for me but I also have a complicated work schedule and I am thinking of going back to school as well very soon. It seems like the timing isn't good. And you also made me realize that people should not rush into things, which is a flaw that I have. I think the best thing to do is to let things just evolve without pressure and see where things go. Those who are made for each other find a way back to each other. I really believe that. I want to tell you that I sincerely enjoyed every moment that I spent with you and I think you are a great and beautiful woman. I just think that right now I am indecisive and confused and I do not want to make you wait for nothing. I do really wish you all the best, but I would like to stay in contact with you if you want to. I hope you are not mad at me, I though for about 4 hours before sending you this message. Have a nice night and I hope with all my heart that you would want to keep in touch with me. Please let me know how you feel about this. He said he would be so happy if we would stay in touch and that he hopes to talk to me soon. I am having a hard time figuring out what this all means. It seems sincere and honest, but the door is not completely closed. I would just like to have other peoples perspective on how they would interpret this message and how they would proceed. I never got a message this long from a guy who wanted to end things. And no guy has ever told me that they wanted to keep in touch. I am not sure what it means. Does he see a possibility in the future, does he want to remain friends ? Should I keep contacting him from time to time ? ( we have not slept together, just fooled around a bit, and we have seem each other 4 times for 5+ hours at a time ) Thank you everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
Zagan Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 It probably doesn't even mean that much. He's been honest with you, he likes you as a person and enjoyed his time with you but he isn't ready for things to go further at this point in time. Staying intouch doesn't mean a constant flow of interaction with eachother. Just go on about your life and if he txts or calls once in a while to see how you are doing respond as you would with any friend. Then as he says, if at some point in the future you both want to start things up again then the gateway is there. That's what it means. But what you choose is entirely up to you. If you feel in any way that you can't move on with him still dropping a line from time to time then tell him thanks but no thanks. If it's something that you would be okay with too, then go for it. But it's important that you live your life and go on dating just as you would have before. He has made it clear he doesn't want anything serious right now, so you are free to do as you wish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 I will be super honest with you. When we first started dating I was very interested in you and I still am a lot. But you were distant in the beggining and what happened made me think a lot. I think about it a lot since it happened. I do not think that either of us is ready for a long term and serious relationship. You have work and school, and I am not saying that you would not be able to make time for me but I also have a complicated work schedule and I am thinking of going back to school as well very soon. It seems like the timing isn't good. And you also made me realize that people should not rush into things, which is a flaw that I have. I think the best thing to do is to let things just evolve without pressure and see where things go. Those who are made for each other find a way back to each other. I really believe that. I want to tell you that I sincerely enjoyed every moment that I spent with you and I think you are a great and beautiful woman. I just think that right now I am indecisive and confused and I do not want to make you wait for nothing. I do really wish you all the best, but I would like to stay in contact with you if you want to. I hope you are not mad at me, I though for about 4 hours before sending you this message. Have a nice night and I hope with all my heart that you would want to keep in touch with me. Please let me know how you feel about this. Pay attention to the bolded bits, and permit me to translate: "I either can't or won't put in any effort right now to make this work, but I figure you're probably ok to put onto a back burner until I am. So, let's keep in touch, and once I get my act together, or decide the time has come for me to raise my interest level to a sufficient volume to make an effort, (because let's face it, you're quite hot!) I'll let you know." Write back: "Sorry, I can't allow myself to be put onto a back-burner that way., I have way too much intention of having some fun in my life, and whether that includes you or not, is your choice. Good luck in what you decide to do, but I'm out to date. If you want to fall in with my plans, that's great, but I don't hang around waiting for others to make their minds up when I already know mine is made up. Bye, have a great life." Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 He's trying to let you down easily. I wouldn't even necessarily reply. There's not much more to be said, in my opinion. He doesn't want a relationship and I don't see much point in keeping in touch, 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 He's trying to let you down easily. I wouldn't even necessarily reply. There's not much more to be said, in my opinion. He doesn't want a relationship and I don't see much point in keeping in touch, .... Unless, of course, you want to be kept hangin'...... Brava e breve, ExpatInItaly! Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Pay attention to the bolded bits, and permit me to translate: "I either can't or won't put in any effort right now to make this work, but I figure you're probably ok to put onto a back burner until I am. So, let's keep in touch, and once I get my act together, or decide the time has come for me to raise my interest level to a sufficient volume to make an effort, (because let's face it, you're quite hot!) I'll let you know." Write back: "Sorry, I can't allow myself to be put onto a back-burner that way., I have way too much intention of having some fun in my life, and whether that includes you or not, is your choice. Good luck in what you decide to do, but I'm out to date. If you want to fall in with my plans, that's great, but I don't hang around waiting for others to make their minds up when I already know mine is made up. Bye, have a great life." Tara, read the OP's prior thread. He had been demonstrating a ton of interest in her and she was NOT reciprocating. She was cold, distant, never initiated even AFTER he expressed his frustration for having to do ALL the initiating. I think he got fed up and shut down. Now he doesn't know how he feels, he is ambivalent... unsure, as he said in his text. I think he still cares otherwise he would not have sent such a long heartfelt text. Guys who don't care or whose plan is to put a girl on backburner, just DON'T do that. If it were me I would thank him for his text, his honesty, and yes I would love to stay in touch. Say no more, no less. That said though, keep your options open and date other guys. Whatever you do, I would not recommend sending him what Tara suggested (sorry Tara normally I agree with you, just not this time)...that's just cold, which is what drove him away in the first place. Jmo. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Totally fair points. I agree, I had not read the previous threads which as you say, do shed an entirely different light on the matter. My bad, I think, the term is..... In which case, yeah, that's right, OP..... Don't reply as I advised..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Totally fair points. I agree, I had not read the previous threads which as you say, do shed an entirely different light on the matter. My bad, I think, the term is..... In which case, yeah, that's right, OP..... Don't reply as I advised..... :) Another reason why different threads should not be created re the same situation. IMO of course. Posters need ALL info to form an opinion ..... and not all posters are familiar with prior threads. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kadmoore Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 This is my old post: Hi everyone. I met this great guy about a month ago. Everything was going well. He was very caring, texts me and called me daily and was even willing to come see me even though he lives an hour away. I had been in bad relationships before, and I have to admit I was a bit scared and I was holding back trying not to get hurt again. Last week, he asked me why I never seem to ask him to do anything together or ask to see him. I didn't know what to say. It really made me reflect. I replied that I would try my best. We were suppose to see each other Friday and he only texted me around noon. I was waiting for him to text me. He asked if I wanted to see a particular film and I said no, but if he would like to go we can hang out another time ( I was at the mall when he texted me). From there, he said that all morning he was waiting for he to text him and that I he thinks I am not ready to be in a relationship because he has been demonstrating his desire to be with me and I have not been doing so equally. He said I would rather be at the mall than be with him ect. Was I wrong ? I felt really bad. He said that I should take some time to think about what I really wanted. It hurt me a lot but I found that there was some truth to what he said. But I did think about it and I told him that I really want to see where things go with him. Since this incident, he has been distant. He has stopped texting me first and does not text me many times throughout the day like he use to. He has stopped complimenting me and putting hearts of kisses at the end of his texts.. What does this mean? Have I blown it ? Is he waiting to see if I step up and be more demonstrative or has he lost interest ? I am really starting to go crazy over this trying to figure out what it means. I want to fix things but I do not know how. I asked him to see each other this week, but the night that he was free I wasn't. Since then I have not asked him to go out. Should I ask again, I don't want to seem to desperate or too needy or bother him when he is mad at me. Any advice would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Well he was right, YOU are not ready for a relationship, and he is protecting himself from getting burned. You are best to let it rest. Why not stay single for awhile longer until you have more confidence in having a relationship with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Perhaps you need expert counselling on why, rather than invite closeness and intimacy (and I don't necessarily mean the up-close-and-personal, physical kind), you tend to push it away, or keep it at arm's length.... If he made you stop and think about your actions - perhaps you need to look further "into yourself" to understand better why this situation has arisen.... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 .... Unless, of course, you want to be kept hangin'...... Brava e breve, ExpatInItaly![/b] Haha, sei italiana, Tara? And I agree with Tara, OP. Perhaps you would benefit from looking into why you keep so distant when someone tries to create intimacy. This will probably help you in future situations, though I think it is too late with this specific guy. I once dated a man who was rather like you. I eventually lost interest because I felt I was putting forth a solid effort to keep things going, but I just couldn't get him to open up and reciprocate. When I gave up and backed off, he couldn't understand why. He was baffled as to why I had to end it, even though I explained that his seeming indifference and lack of enthusiasm was an issue for me. It was too much effort for too little reward, you know? If you don't want to run into the same problems again, a bit more introspection might be in order. Link to post Share on other sites
AndOrchid Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 I haven't read anyone else's reply yet but my immediate reaction was: He has met someone else he wants to pursue but he still wants to have you as an option in the future in case things don't work out. Keep in touch with you = keep you on the backburner. I wouldn't bother with him anymore. JMO. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 ***I haven't read anyone else's reply yet but my immediate reaction was: He has met someone else he wants to pursue but he still wants to have you as an option in the future in case things don't work out. Keep in touch with you = have you on the backburner. I wouldn't bother with him anymore. JMO. Uh, read the rest of the thread.... Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 He's not interested in a serious relationship at this time. At best he wants to keep in touch. Perhaps even casual dating but sounds like it would be a struggle with the schedules you both have. I wouldn't hold my breath that anything would come of this at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
AndOrchid Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Uh, read the rest of the thread.... I read her other thread though. I still think if a guy comes on this strong at first and the issue was her perceived lack of interest, he would be happy that she addressed his concerns and started contacting him. For him to suddenly turn around and say "timing isn't good/we're both too busy" and "I realize I shouldn't rush things/I'm confused and don't want to make you wait" is a bit suspicious and makes me think he's found someone else but still wants to keep her on the hook. I may be wrong but that's my read on the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kadmoore Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 I do blame myself a little. I could have put forth more effort. But I always responded rapidly to his messages and always texted goodnight. I also always told him I look forward to seeing him and readily accepted his 4 invitations to see each other. Then I apologized for not initiating things. I don't know if things would have worked out if this didn't happen or if the same result woukd have occurred because of busy schedules , mismatch or both of us not being ready. He did not seem to be mad. He even said that he has a feeling we will meet again. Maybe he is confused and yes maybe it's a part my fault but he did say that he did rush into things and don't think he is ready either. But he could be just letting me down easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kadmoore Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 You guys are right. He has moved on. Since last week, he has been adding many women as friends on Facebook. I probably may have even begun before we argued. Or maybe only a day or two after. In any case, it clearly didn't take much for him to already be seeking out other interests. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kadmoore Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 I also just found out he has a new dating profile up. I have no idea for how long when he told me he had deleted his 3 days after we started talking. Makes me feel like he was playing me all along. Who knows how long he has had it up. Even if it is recent. Didn't take him more than a day or two after hw claimed to be sooo interested to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Not one got used here....he felt it wasn't progressing so he ended it. People can and will change their mind, just the way it is.....wasn't meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 My impression here... He was interested in you and made an effort but wasn't getting much of a response so he said screw it I'm moving on. I'm done chasing you...if you are interested come chase after me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 My impression here... He was interested in you and made an effort but wasn't getting much of a response so he said screw it I'm moving on. I'm done chasing you...if you are interested come chase after me. Stop the presses! Ami1uwant and katiegrl agree!!!! Woo hoo!! :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
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