Should I Break Up with him ? I really need advice.

[whitetulip]

My story is long but please bare with me. I really need some help.

I am an immigrant who came to US to go to school for my graduate degree. During that time, I met this nice American that I fell in love with. He has nothing much, no house, no car, low pay job, but I love him. I went back to my country for 4 years, we kept in touch and had long distance relationshiop. It worked in our case and I thought he loved me and he was so consistent. I left my family, country, great job , a house and everything I had and came here to get married..Did not know then, but it was love. I am married for almost 7 years, to a man that I thought he was a good guy. First year I found out that he had debt before we got married. It was more of school debts and over spendings in the past. I let go because he was for better or for worst. My husband works morning to night. When he is home, he do laundry, cook, help me with house works and take care of me. The seond year, I got pregnant, he worked second job to help us financially. I also work full time. That year was a great year, I thank god from time to time that I was so lucky. After we had our first child, things are getting tougher. Stress was everywhere. We started to argue a lot. And when thing can go worst, my grandmother died, the person whom I love so much and left behind in my country. I was down there.. depressed as ever and did not even know. One day I came home, we had an argument. He slapped me. In my life, no one ever hurt me physically before. I was hurt.. One slap was no big deal, but my heart was broken. I came from a broken family and promise myself that my child will have a father. He is a good father, loving and caring. He asked his boos to work night so he can be home with our baby and tool care of her. He did a great job and helped us save some money too. We decided that he should go and get some classes to help him with his career. So he stayed at home with our kid, went to school in the evening and worked night. I was lonely but patience. Things were fine but we hardly had time for each other. During our third year, I went back home with my child. He was in US. he met a woman who lives here and she is from my country. He was very excited and told me that he found me a friend. When I came back from vacation, I was lokking forward to get to know here but months past I did not have a chance. On the other hand, I felt that something was not right. I talked to him about my concern and asked him if he could keep distance so things would not get ugly. He was upset that he did thins for me and she was his friend. And I believed him. Few months after that, we finally met. I invited her for dinner because she invited us to her littleboys' birthday. It was nice. A couple fo weeks after that, she called me because he husband made her. She told me that my husband was not faithful. Apparently, she called the night before and he answered the phone, I was already asleep. So when I work up, he was home and did not go to work that day. It was my day to work from home and he said that he wanted to be with me. When I got a call, he told me that it was a lie. Her husband asked me to go out and have a talk and I did. A few days after that was so painful, it was 6 days before my little girl's birthday. I love her so much. Her hunband kept calling me to tell me what he found out new everyday. One day, he called and told me to call him back. I talked to my husband and asked him to tell me so I did not have to find out from a stranger. He finally admitted that they slept together. We were in the car and I was crying so as my 3 years old daughter. I went home and picked up the phone to call that couple and I aksed everyone to be on speaker. I asked her in my language if she loves her husband and she said yes. I told them that we all have our children to think about. Her husband loves her and she loved him. Let 's move on and start forgiving each other. Let's do not try to find out about it anymore because it hurts. Everyone was shock of what I did. For me, that is my birthday gift for my little girl. We moved out to suburb after that, hope for a fresh start. All of these years, my husband managed money by himself. He never let me know what happened. One day, I found a bill with a high baland that he hide from me. We argued again. And few days after that, he woked me up an 5 to tell me that we were in deep trouble financially. He was having hard time paying debt from school, bills and everything. I told him that I would take care fo our finanicial situation and since then I have been managing it. We still have lots fo debts but our credit score is better.

 

For the last two years, I have a new challenge with him. He drinks. Problem is I do not see it. I found some bottles in the closet, his excuse was he was too stressful with our money problems and drinks from time to time. When he drinks and I finds out, we would argue and soemtime he calls me names. If I don't puick a fight, it would be fine. With all of these problems, he never goes anywhere without us. He calls me everyday at work to make sure that I am fine. He has no closed friend arund here, so he has so social life and always be with us. he nevr misses my daughter's classes for anything. He gives me backrubs and foot rubs all the times. Sexually, we are not there for each other at all. I do not feel like I need it. My life has been focusing on my child. However, his drinking bothers me. I am not sure if he is addicted and worried. I am scare if things can get worst. I do not want my child to grow up seeing him addicted. But she already knows that we fight a lot. I was virgin when we got married. I have a master degree , I do not smoke, drink, do drug. I work and try to plan for my family. But I feel that I am doing this alone. I know that he still loves us, but he is so weak. I became very critical of him and hope he will improve. But now I am not certain. I do not even know how much is too much for drinking. I know that some women are so unfortunate that things could be worst. But is my situation worst enough that I should think ? Or am I just a complainer and want to avoid problems with a divorce. I do not want my child to be in a broken home either. I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice please.

[XNemesisX]

I don't mean to be rude at all, but do you care to use paragraphs?

 

It would make your post a lot easier to follow and read

[suegail]

Wow, it was hard to read without the paragraphs because the story is so involved, but I think I picked up on most of it. My heart goes out to you. One thing you didn't mention, I think, was counseling? Did you try marriage counseling? You seem to want to try and stay together and you feel he's a loving, concerned and attentive father.

 

He's drinking and trying to hide it. Never a good sign. He needs to be honest with you and himself about what is going on in his life, or you'll keep going round and round.

 

He's got some serious issues, and incidentally a man should never hit a woman. No excuse, ever.

 

I really would suggest counseling - - do you have a church? You might seek some counseling from your church.

 

I'll keep you in my prayers. I hope things work out for you.

[whitetulip]

To : XNemesisX

 

Sorry that it was hard to read. I am new to forum and have no idea how to write in forum like this, thanks for letting me know.

 

To : Suegail

 

Thank you so much for your advice. I hardly tell anyone and truly appreciate it. I think about counselling. But I don't know if it will be one of those digging who did what and when and starts to hurt us more.

 

I will seek some counselling help though. I do very much appreciate your wish, that makes me stronger. I just desperately need advice. Sometime you are so much in the midst of trouble and you seem to be blind to address it.. that's me.. Thank you !!!!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

If he doesn't want to go for counselling, there is also AA for yourself to understand his problem.

 

It sounds like he feels like he has failed you. He has done some terrible things and you have stood by him through all of it. He probably feels like he deosn't deserve you and is subconsciously sabotaging the marriage.

 

I hope he agrees to marriage counselling. You are such an angel. Good luck.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by whitetulip

I think about counselling. But I don't know if it will be one of those digging who did what and when and starts to hurt us more.

 

I will seek some counselling help though.

 

A good therapist will not let the counceling session dissolve into a "blame game". So, you needn't worry overmuch about that. While it's true that you'll BOTH have things to work on.....(everyone has at least a few things they can improve )....I think it's likely that much of the effort will be in solving the underlying causes for the problems. The question that you should be working on will not be "who", "what", or "when", but rather Why.

 

Your husband seems to have a difficult time saying "No" to himself. That illustrates a problem with self-control, and with faulty judgement. He seems to have difficulty predicting consequences. I think your counseling sessions will likely focus on that, with at least some individual counseling for him, as well as sessions together with both of you.

 

If he refuses to get counseling, or to take it seriously, you should consider separation or divorce. You will continue to lose respect and love for him over time, so he needs to address this situation fully.

 

The man's history speaks for itself....and actions speak louder than words. He's NOT faithful. He's NOT fiscally responsible. He's NOT truthful.

 

If those things are important to you, then it's your responsibility to make sure he knows it....otherwise, you're letting yourself down.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I agree, mutual marriage counseling is essential (both of you should go to the counseling). Life is hard sometimes, and you are a good person to forgive him for what he has done. You and your husband definately have issues which a counselor could help with.

[onlyhuman]

Whitetulip,

Good for you in posting in a language that is not your native tongue, some people would not have the guts!

I agree with LadyJane on this one.

Although it is commendable that you can forgive I question wether or not your husband deserves you.

I hope this all works out for you!

[whitetulip]

All, I'd like to thank you all for your replies. I was out of town for business for a week and when I got the replies.. you have no idea how grateful I am.

 

 

MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 : When I read your e-mail, I have to accept that my tears coming down. Nothing bad happened but it just has been a long jouney of pain. And some sweet words from a nice stranger actually makes me so weak yet grateful.

 

withiorwithoutyou... I appreciate your encouragement for me to come out and ask for help. Truth is it did not take any courage to do it at all. I am in need of help. I have no one to ask for help. My mother in law is a very nice and sweet person. She knows what is going on. But I need to be careful of what I say to her. First, I do not want her to be upset, she is 70 years old and she loves us especially my little girl.

 

I will do exactly what all of you including LadyJane14, withorwithout you and onlyhuman suggested. I asked him today to talk to our health insurance to get the approval for counselling sessiond. He said that he will do so. I hope and pray that it will work out.

 

Some of you mentioned that I am a good person, so as my husband's woman who also thinks that I deserve better. But it is so sad that no matter how good one is, it does not guarantee that you will make ghood choice and life will be good for you. Since I can not help myself now ( obviously I am asking for help and advice from all nice people like you , I have no idea and confidence as a mother how I can advise my little girl.

 

Thank you so much for all your prays. Please check my post from time to time if you have time. I am sure that it is no over yet.

[whitetulip]

Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

If he doesn't want to go for counselling, there is also AA for yourself to understand his problem.

 

It sounds like he feels like he has failed you. He has done some terrible things and you have stood by him through all of it. He probably feels like he deosn't deserve you and is subconsciously sabotaging the marriage.

 

I hope he agrees to marriage counselling. You are such an angel. Good luck.

 

MWC_LifeBeginsAt40: I never take any psychology class, so I do not understand how people think and feel much. But it is difficult for me to understand that if he knows that I stood by him one after another mistakes he made, he should have tried harder to make it up for us. He actually tells me all the times too that he does not feel like I love him. And that is one of the main reasons that he was having an affair. Truth is I do not know what to do anymore to show him my affections. I think that what I already did should prove my feeling for him, I guess it is not enough. Any thoughts ?

[whitetulip]

Originally posted by onlyhuman

Whitetulip,

Good for you in posting in a language that is not your native tongue, some people would not have the guts!

I agree with LadyJane on this one.

Although it is commendable that you can forgive I question wether or not your husband deserves you.

I hope this all works out for you!

 

Hi Onlyhuman...You are second person who said that to me, that my husband might not deserve me. The first person is the woman whom he had an affair with. Here are a couple of questions that I'd like to hear your thoughts. What does " deserve " really mean ? Does it mean that he is not a good person that he should not have a good woman as his wife or it means that no matter how good I am, he will never appreciate it and will abuse it on the other hand. The reson why I ask you is because one of the times that we had arguement. I told him that I will leave him sooner than rather if he continues to drink. And he said that I do not have guts to do so. I am pretty scared by his answer though I am not sure what it means.

 

Another question is... can a person change ? Your username " onlyhuman " reminds me of the fact that everyone can make mistakes.. my concern is can one really changes.. or learn from mistakes.. your thoghts please.

[onlyhuman]

What does deserve mean?I guess there is a definition by the book but to me it is a simply matter of reaping what you sow.

Your husbands comment that he feels you have no guts says two things, number one , he has no respect for you and number two he's not to concerned about his own actions because he feels you'll never leave.

Your husband from both his actions and words in my opinion has no desire to change, maybe others will give you their take on this.

People change because there is something about them that they do not like, you have to want to change and you have to have that goal in your mind constantly.

Unless you see some dramatic and longlasting changes from your husband as a result from counseling I would have a back up plan.

The best thing for your child is to have a strong mother,worry about yourself for awhile!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I agree that it is starting to sound like he has no respect for you. He told you that he didn't think you love him? In my opinion that is an excuse and he is trying to blame you for his affair.

 

Good luck with the counselling. I hope it works for you both.