so gutted Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 I am in a state of numbness and utter shock. I randomly saw a post on facebook of a guy i have been seeing for 18 months, his wife thanking him (her husbsnd) on facebook. His wife???? He told me he was seperated. He lied, his friends and family lied. Im very hurt, angry and vengeful. I have not confronted him, i have written out a long essay to inform his wife of his affair. I feel ashamed and am having nightmares, how could he allow me into this mess? I am Innocent. I dont care if she leaves him or not but i cannot sit back and not tell her. I am unsure of how to do this on an anoymous basis. I fear that she may try and expose me as the adulttress? How can i do this with dignity? And no i cannot walk away silently, done that many times and its more harmful. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 I am in a state of numbness and utter shock. I randomly saw a post on facebook of a guy i have been seeing for 18 months, his wife thanking him (her husbsnd) on facebook. His wife???? He told me he was seperated. He lied, his friends and family lied. Im very hurt, angry and vengeful. I have not confronted him, i have written out a long essay to inform his wife of his affair. I feel ashamed and am having nightmares, how could he allow me into this mess? I am Innocent. I dont care if she leaves him or not but i cannot sit back and not tell her. I am unsure of how to do this on an anoymous basis. I fear that she may try and expose me as the adulttress? How can i do this with dignity? And no i cannot walk away silently, done that many times and its more harmful. What was she thanking him for? Some separated/divorced couples remain friendly at least especially if there are children involved. If you are saying that he lied about being separated, it s unlikely that family members would go along with a charade like that. If you are saying that is is not separated and has been with her the whole 18 months, I suspect you ave been overlooking, denying, and making excuses for red flags you may have noticed. I think you should make sure you do understand "where" they are relationship-wise before making any assumptions from FB. If you don't do that you could really end up emarrassing yourself in a big way. If he has actually pulled the wool over your eyes for 18 months, I still wouldn't write anything to her. You go no contact with him. If she loves him so much and you do write to her, she will side with him when he telks her that you are just some crazy woman who has a crush on him. If she didn't have any suspicions herself, she won't care what you say. And, if she did have suspicions, finding out who you are might nit go well for you. No matter what you say, you will be the other woman and an adulterer in her mind. Just like you see things on FB about her/him, you could be a Facebook target as well. The only way to be dignified here is to cut him off completely and right now. Block him on everything. Move on. Are you sure that it is simply that they are stll friends and 2 Link to post Share on other sites
siriusp Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 I really feel for you. I have been in a similar situation before. I hope you tell his wife - the rotten cheat should be exposed - you did nothing wrong so why should you be worried about anything? Although a man that is able to cheat and lie to both you and his wife will also lie about you to cover his ass. The scum that I got involved with told his partner that I was crazy.........etc. It is not your fault that you were lied to and cheated on. That he put your life at risk by cheating on you with another woman - how were you supposed to know he had a wife? He should be exposed completely - all cheating liars should be exposed for what they do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Err..I'm confused. He told you he was separated which means he still has a wife and he is also still a husband. He isn't divorced yet if he is separated. 24 Link to post Share on other sites
Jules Dash Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Err..I'm confused. He told you he was separated which means he still has a wife and he is also still a husband. He isn't divorced yet if he is separated. Absolutely. Also, dealing with married but separated people always run the risk of reconciliation. Maybe he has been meaning to tell you that he still loves his wife and would like to get back with her. They are married- How do you "randomly" come across a Facebook page like this? 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 She thanked him and referred to him as her husband. It was her birthday. She linked arms with him. He told me they seperated and he had the kids. From the post they were together as husband and wife. His friends lied. The friend she thanked (in his absence) was his best mate. I knew the friend well. Thats why ot hurts, his friends who appeared nice and normal (family men) were in on the deception. They knew. What kind of people do this. He also Invited me to his marital home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 Absolutely. Also, dealing with married but separated people always run the risk of reconciliation. Maybe he has been meaning to tell you that he still loves his wife and would like to get back with her. They are married- How do you "randomly" come across a Facebook page like this? She was tagged in a video. We had a friend in common. I watched it and then saw him! The shock of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Separated means married. 18 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 What did she post on FB? As someone else said, if he's not divorced than he does indeed still have a wife. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 But im not married so why should i suffer? He is in the wrong and needs to at the very least feel uncomfortable and exposed. I also know that he is tax evading. I guess i could shop him in for that and get him that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 What did she post on FB? As someone else said, if he's not divorced than he does indeed still have a wife. He told me they live apart, she lives quite far away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 I have found her sister on facebook too, im thinking of emailing her too. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 But im not married so why should i suffer? He is in the wrong and needs to at the very least feel uncomfortable and exposed. I also know that he is tax evading. I guess i could shop him in for that and get him that way. There is something wrong here with what you are writing. If he is separated, he is still married and they may simply be friendly enough for the kids. You were invited to the marital home? What does that mean? Was she there? Were you with him and he had to stop by for something or was she out of town and brought you there to hang out? I still think you are overreacting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 There is something wrong here with what you are writing. If he is separated, he is still married and they may simply be friendly enough for the kids. You were invited to the marital home? What does that mean? Was she there? Were you with him and he had to stop by for something or was she out of town and brought you there to hang out? I still think you are overreacting. She referredto him in the video as my husband, that is current. So he lied. He invited me as his g/f. She wasnt there. It was clear a woman had lived there as you could see a womans touch but it was also clear that her belongings etcwere no longer there. I took this to mean he was serious, as he brought me to his house. Now im thinking she may have been away and he had me over. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Before you contact his wife or anyone else...do you have solid proof of your relationship with him? I mean, do you have saved messages, pics, and so on? You would need to have something tangible to send his wife, otherwise she probably won't believe you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
siriusp Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 I really do understand you - I had the same. People that I considered mutual friends lied to me when I became suspicious. They were working for/with him and didn't want to tell on him.... I've had to cut many people out of my life. Ugly people. I am glad that I got away from that story. He wanted to buy a house with me and kept sending me pictures of houses he thought I might like to buy with him.... later I discovered he was with his 'ex' at one of those houses and they bought it together!!! When I became upset - he told everybody that I had 'mental' problems. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 (edited) I am not understanding how he could have deceived you for two years? Not that it matters, but I recall a thread earlier THIS year about a guy you had been dating *four months* whose father was in the hospital. Is this the same guy? Or a different guy? How long have you actually been dating THIS guy? In any event, if he is not divorced, then they are still married, so yeah he still is her husband. I would suggest you talk to him, get all the facts before you start seeking revenge. Edited September 6, 2015 by katiegrl 7 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 You're in danger of doing something very stupid, based on a feeling of anger and betrayal. Look at it this way: If he is separated, perhaps his wife knows about you already. Simply because they are polite, civil and affectionate towards one another, does not indicate he has lied to you. It's pretty hard to get a family to collectively deceive you. My H is on very good terms with his ex-W. They get on extremely well, and have spent time together at social occasions, although they are infrequent as she lives in a different country. They regularly communicate via FB, and have quite a laugh together.... You need to take a step back, 'sleep on it' and ask some lucid, clear, frank but rational questions. And for pity's sake, don't go in all guns blazing telling his wife this that and the other. That's petty, childish and very immature. As for the tax thing - really? Sheesh.... 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 He told me they live apart, she lives quite far away. So, do you now know that is not true? What is your dating history with this guy? Has he been sketchy about seeing you over all this time with you? Inconsistent, cancelling often, odd hours, etc only coming to your place? If he is separated his friends and family aren't hiding anything. They simply understand that he is separated and working on divorce. It is extremely unlikely that all his famiy and friends would support him if he is actually cheating. Maybe his best bud would go along, but not everybody else. Someone would say or do something, like tell his wife at least. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Something else to keep in mind.......just because she referred to him as her husband, does not necessarily mean that they are together.......and it does not necessarily mean that he feels the same way. His feelings are separate from hers. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 So, do you now know that is not true? What is your dating history with this guy? Has he been sketchy about seeing you over all this time with you? Inconsistent, cancelling often, odd hours, etc only coming to your place? If he is separated his friends and family aren't hiding anything. They simply understand that he is separated and working on divorce. It is extremely unlikely that all his famiy and friends would support him if he is actually cheating. Maybe his best bud would go along, but not everybody else. Someone would say or do something, like tell his wife at least. He was spending a lot of time with me, but not every day. It wasnt a physical relationship for a long time, but he took things further having thought about it for a while. I do not have proof but i have dates and information about his life that show he trusted me. He travels a lot for his job and that is probably how he covers his tracks. He owes me an explanation. I cannot confirm this 100% but the video was telling. They were at her birthday as husband and wife. You cannot have one face for society (married with kids) while lying to me. Its wrong. Morally corrupt. Im surprised you are giving him thebenefit of the doubt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 Something else to keep in mind.......just because she referred to him as her husband, does not necessarily mean that they are together.......and it does not necessarily mean that he feels the same way. His feelings are separate from hers. The body language was clear. Link to post Share on other sites
Jules Dash Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Don't you think you should just talk to him and see what he has to say? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 These are my options: 1) send his wife the email detailing times snd dates (e.g valentines day, new years eve). I can email her at her work address via an anonymous email. 2) confront his mate via fb and ask why he deceived is both? 3) confront him and ask straight out? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 He was spending a lot of time with me, but not every day. It wasnt a physical relationship for a long time, but he took things further having thought about it for a while. Of course he 'thought about it for a while'. He was separated and had to consider the implications of basically being unfaithful to his wife. Separated means 'still married'. He probably HAS discussed this with her then, because the risk of being divorced for adultery was a real one... I do not have proof but i have dates and information about his life that show he trusted me. He travels a lot for his job and that is probably how he covers his tracks. He's not necessarily 'covering his tracks'. If he's had this job a while, and was intimate with you before he separated, then I'd understand. But if this is a long-term job, then really, you're adding 2 + 2 and making 36.... He owes me an explanation. Possibly. But put it this way: Even if he tells you the truth, in your state of mind, would you believe anything he says? or are you just seeking confirmation for the conclusions you've jumped to? I cannot confirm this 100% but the video was telling. They were at her birthday as husband and wife. You cannot have one face for society (married with kids) while lying to me. Its wrong. Morally corrupt. Im surprised you are giving him the benefit of the doubt. You're only assuming he's lied to you. And my H and his ex have always maintained a face of decency, decorum, civility and humanity for each other, even in the throes of the most unsettling moments of their divorce. It's called behaving in a civil manner, in order to create as little disruption as possible for those in the immediate circle who might be vulnerable to the pain and humiliation of two adults behaving like petulant adolescents. A behaviour which one could argue, may not be too far removed from the way you are currently reacting. You need to calm down..... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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