Just found out he deceived me for 2 years

[katiegrl]

I am giving the benefit of the doubt because you were't giving information that demonstrated he wasn't worthy of it. In addition, if they have children, him being at the birthday party isn't such a big deal. You need to clarify with him. Plain and simple. And, they are still husband and wife. Talk to him, get clarity. I am not the only one posting here with doubt about the situation.

 

I will tell you this, there were a number of times when my husband and I attended functions together while separated for the benefit of the kids. We are now divorced and are still good friends. We cannit erase 30 years of sharing, caring and support.

 

In the video, what were they doing that clearly demonstrates that they are still committed to the marriage as partners?

 

 

------

 

*****And FB stalking causes so much confusion, misunderstanding in all kinds ofthings. It sucks*****.

 

OMG, ain't that the truth! I just activated my profile on FB, getting a ton of *friends* requests from people (men!) I have no idea who they are .....and every time I do, my cell pings, and boyfriend is starting to wonder (which is putting his reaction mildly.lol) what the hell is going on! Ugh!

[so gutted]

After we moved from friendship to dating he said something vague like "im worried about my kids".

 

This was inresponse to my request for clarity in the relationship.

 

I took this to mean he didnt know how to position me in their lives.

 

To talk to him i have to accuse him or mention the video, how can i do this and keep calm ?

 

I thought this was clear cut, he said he was seperated and they are living apart. The house shows that. The bathroom had no women's stuff. The kitchen the same.

 

The wardrobes empty. It seemed that was true.

 

This was her birthday she wouldnt be so showy and refer to him as her husband if seperated.

 

I say she is smug because of her other postings. None of him, just of the lifestyle.

[kendahke]

His wife looked very smug. She is overlooking his behaviour for money.

 

 

It was her birthday, wasn't it? She was being celebrated, as all of us our by our friends and family on our birthday?

 

Come out of high dudgeon before doing anything that you will later regret.

 

If he has a pattern of deception that you've been watching develop for 18 months, then 1. why are you still with him? and 2. you need to discuss with him what you know as fact and if what he says isn't satisfactory, then you need to talk to his wife, face to face, since, as Tara Maiden aptly pointed out, if right is so on your side, you should fear nothing and no one. There is no need to say anything anonymously because all she has to do is ask his friends or family about you and "knock knock knock" on your door; so, think this through after you've gotten past the bile.

 

I get that you're roiling like the sun, but you need to have a discussion with dude first and foremost.

[Redhead14]

OMG, ain't that the truth! I just activated my profile on FB, getting a ton of *friends* requests from people (men!) I have no idea who they are .....and every time I do, my cell pings, and boyfriend is starting to wonder (which is putting his reaction mildly.lol) what the hell is going on! Ugh!

 

Delete your profile immediately. It is already causing questions? There is a setting I believe that says you want cell notifications when people post or IM. If you don't want to delete the profile. You can set that to off I believe. FB Is BS as far as I am concerned. It has caused the ruination of more friendships and relationships than I can count. The intention of FB was for good, but there are unintended consequences that no one envisioned.

[so gutted]

It was her birthday, wasn't it? She was being celebrated, as all of us our by our friends and family on our birthday?

 

Come out of high dudgeon before doing anything that you will later regret.

 

If he has a pattern of deception that you've been watching develop for 18 months, then 1. why are you still with him? and 2. you need to discuss with him what you know as fact and if what he says isn't satisfactory, then you need to talk to his wife, face to face, since, as Tara Maiden aptly pointed out, if right is so on your side, you should fear nothing and no one. There is no need to say anything anonymously because all she has to do is ask his friends or family about you and "knock knock knock" on your door; so, think this through after you've gotten past the bile.

 

I get that you're roiling like the sun, but you need to have a discussion with dude first and foremost.

Thanks.

 

So how do i get her face to face? That will involve a message to someone i do not know introducing myself but i need to get her to meet me a stranger. How?

[katiegrl]

Delete your profile immediately. It is already causing questions? There is a setting I believe that says you want cell notifications when people post or IM. If you don't want to delete the profile. You can set that to off I believe. FB Is BS as far as I am concerned. It has caused the ruination of more friendships and relationships than I can count. The intention of FB was for good, but there are unintended consequences that no one envisioned.

 

Thank you!!!!!!

 

I will look for that delete cell phone notification option.

 

I am new to FB and only activated to communicate with old friends from high school!

 

Back to topic....but thanks again Red, I think that might help.

[kendahke]

After we moved from friendship to dating he said something vague like "im worried about my kids".

 

This was inresponse to my request for clarity in the relationship.

 

I took this to mean he didnt know how to position me in their lives.

 

To talk to him i have to accuse him or mention the video, how can i do this and keep calm ?

 

Rehearse what you are going to say until you can say it without tensing up in your throat and chest.

 

I thought this was clear cut, he said he was seperated and they are living apart. The house shows that. The bathroom had no women's stuff. The kitchen the same.

 

The wardrobes empty. It seemed that was true.

 

This was her birthday she wouldnt be so showy and refer to him as her husband if seperated.

 

I say she is smug because of her other postings. None of him, just of the lifestyle.

 

Have you considered that maybe she was plowed?

[catlady11]

Tell him the truth of how you found the video...didn't you say you happened upon it because his wife and you have a friend in common?

[so gutted]

Rehearse what you are going to say until you can say it without tensing up in your throat and chest.

 

 

 

Have you considered that maybe she was plowed?

 

Drunk? No i dont think so.

[so gutted]

Wait a day or even a few before you do anything. THINK about it first.

 

Yes, it must be tempting to tell the wife and expose him for what you think is going on. Right now you're jumping to conclusions based on a facebook video. Did you doubt him before you saw the video? Any red flags pop up in the last 18 months or is the video your only source of mistrust?

 

Not all separated or divorced couples have a venomous relationship; for the sake of the kids lots of ex-couple make an effort to be civil and even friends.

 

Calm down first then talk to him rationally and matter-of fact. Listen to what he has to say before you end up making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

He came across as geniune and humble. We were friends for 1 year he then made a move. I thought this was good, as he did not try it on before. Now im thinking he was on and off with wife all along. In either case he is unfaithful to both of us which is offputting.

[catlady11]

Why would you say she looks "smug"? Granted she is someone to direct your anger at but smug makes it sound like you know her personally and that you're interpreting her demeanor.

[kendahke]

I say she is smug because of her other postings. None of him, just of the lifestyle.

 

She is entitled to be who she is as you are entitled to be who you are.

 

You need to stop creeping and stalking her wall. She needs to go on block. Seriously. That mess starts acting like drug and pretty soon, you can't turn off your computer without checking her wall to see what life she's giving you that day.

[Zagan]

Separated but married still means married. And becoming involved with a separated person is as dangerous as becoming involved with a married one. Why would you message his wifes sister? You would be being unnecessarily hurtful to people that have nothing to do with you.

If he invited you to the home, has you on facebook etc etc, he clearly was being truthful to start with, perhaps the situation changed and he decided there was too much to lose with his wife. Reconciliation is always a possibility that's why people should avoid 'separated' spouses. I understand you are clearly hurt and 'vengeful' but he probably didn't do it purposely and was no doubt in turmoil, you don't know what the situation was, only two people inside a relationship truly know the dynamics of it.

Stop wanting to hurt people to make up for your own hurt. It does no good, and it won't make you feel better. Have some dignity.

[kendahke]

In either case he is unfaithful to both of us which is offputting.

 

Not if his wife already knows that you exist and neither of them are attempting a reconciliation. That is what you need to know first before you can speak on cheating--because there is no proof that he's had sex with her and there's no proof that she is oblivious to your existence.

 

Her lack of getting in your face speaks far more to the fact that she knows you exist but she's really over her marriage and has emotionally moved on. With Facebook being the weapon that it is, it would have been really easy by now for her to have figured you out through that mutual friend of yours and for her to put your business with her husband on blast--and she would have been wrong to do that because she has no clue about what you and dude have agreed upon for your relationship. Just like you have no clue as to what they've agreed upon in their co-parenting relationship they've got to develop now.

 

I'm hoping that all of your bluster is because you're just venting your spleen because what you propose has a really good chance of turning out so awful and ugly for you.

[kendahke]

Thanks.

 

So how do i get her face to face? That will involve a message to someone i do not know introducing myself but i need to get her to meet me a stranger. How?

 

 

That's not your concern right now.

 

Right now, your focus needs to be on practicing what you are going to say to him to be able to deliver it with a coolness that will make him pause before reaching for a lie. Have your proof at hand; if you feel he is still lying, be ready that day to never see him again. If you are steadfast in what you believe, then you will need to go the distance; meaning your relationship as you know it may be over.

 

If he is lying in your face, send her a message through FB explaining who you are and asking her to meet with you. If she agrees, you tell her what you need to tell her and understand that your relationship is over for good.

 

If she doesn't agree/doesn't respond within 4 days, then you leave it be and let karma bring her into your sphere.

 

And you stop seeing him for good.

Edited September 6, 2015 by kendahke

[Ami1uwant]

Did you know when you started dating that he was separated.

 

Separated means technically they are still married but they generall live apart and beings roars red means no adultery claims can be filed and their is spousal immunity on some legal issues.

 

With them having kids together usually means the two will have contact. In some relations after a divorce the couple can still be good friends and are still involved in each other's lives and do care fir each other. Sometimes people realize they can get sling just fine but they can't live together.

 

I don't see the lie less he told you he was divorced but really wasn't.

[Gary S]

Delete your profile immediately. It is already causing questions? There is a setting I believe that says you want cell notifications when people post or IM. If you don't want to delete the profile. You can set that to off I believe. FB Is BS as far as I am concerned. It has caused the ruination of more friendships and relationships than I can count. The intention of FB was for good, but there are unintended consequences that no one envisioned.

 

- Very good post! I agree, I call it Spacebook, lol

[catlady11]

Playing devil's advocate here in a way. If I was the wife and you reached out to me I'm pretty sure I would be wary of meeting you face to face. I'd wonder if you were irrational or what. What do you expect to happen? I doubt it will end up like the movie comedy "The Other Woman".

[cif]

OP, you should have this thread moved to the sub Other Man / Other Woman

 

This is how I would approach it..

 

Speak to him. Have you guys been drifting apart? They may have reconciled but he failed to inform you. If after you speak to him you figure he is back with her, put together an email with evidence, you will have to reveal your identity, send it to her. Then block them both and go NC. Don't involve other friends or family, that's childish.

 

Be prepared he throws you under the bus, paints you as the psycho stalker from hell and never speaks to you again.

[GemmaUK]

I think you're about to make a huge mistake if you choose to go off on the confrontation route.

 

I don't see anything fishy here and you're making loads of assumptions.

 

He told you he was separated.

You know his friends and family.

You were friends for a year and have only been dating 6 months which is too early IMO to meet his children.

You have been to his house and none of her things were there.

All you have seen is a video which is clearly on view to friends of friends if not totally public.

 

People who split up/separate/get divorced can still be friendly, care about one another etc with nothing other than friendship remaining. It's also beneficial to their children.

[cif]

They have been dating 18 months, plenty of time to meet the wife and kids. It is odd to call her ex "husband". Alarm bells would be going off for me too. And I'm sure there's more OP isn't sharing.

 

Dating a separated person is high risk, risk of being just a rebound or they want to date around when divorce is final or worse they get back with the spouse.

 

I suggested you ask a mod to move this thread for you. Hit the alert button. You'll hopefully get realistic answers there from people who experienced this kind of thing.

Edited September 7, 2015 by cif

[so gutted]

They have been dating 18 months, plenty of time to meet the wife and kids. It is odd to call her ex "husband". Alarm bells would be going off for me too. And I'm sure there's more OP isn't sharing.

 

Dating a separated person is high risk, risk of being just a rebound or they want to date around when divorce is final or worse they get back with the spouse.

 

I suggested you ask a mod to move this thread for you. Hit the alert button. You'll hopefully get realistic answers there from people who experienced this kind of thing.

 

Yes its a risk dating a seperated man but he told me straight out he was seperated and all the details on day 1. In March i asked him if he was back with her, he said no. I had a feeling because he was distant.

 

You are dismissing that he is married, he is the wrongful one. Im not sure if its worth asking a cheat for an explanation.

 

I just need to be clear what outcome im expecting from telling his wife.

 

She is unlikely to leave him as she has kids and i have no proof, but i want to sow the seeds so that when he does it again and again she eventually leaves him. It is difficult to do this to someone, its cruel. She will suffer but he wont. Its so sad.

 

I feel broken but strong.

[veggirl]

aren't you looking for a real, ltr? you literally have one of the worst people pickers on LS.

 

a SEPARATED man is not a candidate for a HEALTHY ltr. did you even ASK when the divorce would be happening?

 

sounds like YOU put your head in the sand to keep him around.

 

was this a real, official relationship...? how often did you see him? how often did you go to his home?

[GemmaUK]

They have been dating 18 months

 

 

Actually, going by her last thread (simply as the info was easier to find)they've been dating for just 11 months, so still not a huge amount of time. I would expect intros to children around the year, year and a half mark.

[brokengirl85]

Calm down!! Honestly, you look very naive. Have you contacted him first? It's really silly he's making posts on Facebook where everyone could see, don't you think?

You need first to clarify all this with him. I don't think you need to mention here he's a tax evader or that you're going to tell everyone. Please be mature!

Talk to him.