Just found out he deceived me for 2 years

[S2B]

She thanked him and referred to him as her husband. It was her birthday. She linked arms with him.

 

He told me they seperated and he had the kids. From the post they were together as husband and wife.

 

His friends lied. The friend she thanked (in his absence) was his best mate. I knew the friend well. Thats why ot hurts, his friends who appeared nice and normal (family men) were in on the deception. They knew. What kind of people do this.

 

He also

Invited me to his marital home.

 

Two years? Men who intend to divorce make sure it happens.

 

He had no intention of divorcing.

 

You can learn from this. Don't date a taken man until his divorce is final! Men lie (women too) verify info given at the beginning is true and correct - BEFORE becoming emotionally attached.

[Popsicle]

I disagree with the dating a seperated man. I have a brother who was seperated and divorce in motion when he started seeing his current wife. I agree it's risky if the guy isn't sure about divorce, but I don't consider it the same as dating a man you know is married.

 

Divorce in motion, as in, he has filed for divorce, is a little bit better/less risky, but one truly can not know the difference between a separated man who is going back and one who isn't going back (they ALL say they aren't going back when you first meet) so the whole thing is just too risky for me to do. The bottom line is that they have unfinished business.

[veggirl]

His parents would cut him

Out of the will if he divorced her. I asked at the friendship stage and again when dating. He spent a lot of time talking to me, not the actions of a married man.

 

Okay so your plan was what? Date a married man forever? Since he could never divorced due to the will?

 

Really? This wasn't a huge problem for you?

[sandylee1]

I can understand your anger and the cutting out of the will is just nonsense. If his parents said that there MUST be a reason for it.

 

I agree that his wife deserves to know about this, but why not try and gather a little more evidence first. Like say what you were doing on the night of the party and casually ask what he was up to on that day.

 

You also said she doesn't post many pictures of him on her page....could they have some kind of 'arrangement ' in their marriage.

 

Perhaps just do a little more digging and get confirmation that they're still together in more than just name before you tell his wife which I think you should do.

 

Sorry you've been deceived like this.

[Poppy47]

It all sounds odd to me.

 

Where have you been meeting him all this time???

 

Have you not met his friends and family ??? If not, I would question why?

 

It seems you know very little about his personal life and yet you have known and been dating him for quite some time.

 

By the way, why not approach him calmly and reasonably and ask about the Face book thing ? It is the adult thing to do. Wait till you settle down first.

 

I wouldn't bother his wife or her family. That would be upsetting for them and whatever the case, they don't deserve it.

 

As many have pointed out to you, they are still married until divorced.

 

Poppy.

[sunburned]

His wife looked very smug. She is overlooking his behaviour for money.

 

Seems she wasn't the only one.

 

Look, OP, it's hard to get a grasp on your timeline. Seems you've known him a lot longer than 18 months. You've had some inkling as to what was happening in his life. No sweet text messages/emails/pics? Red flag. Not meeting the kids (after so long)? Red flag. Only being invited over once? Red flag. Not being told in advance he'd be attending (hosting even?) a b'day party for his W? Red flag. Being told "no divorce" because of the will? Red flag. That is him telling you he'll never divorce. That is you responding you're fine being the OW because he's wealthy and -- I almost forgot -- because you love him.

 

And despite all this great LS advice to the contrary, you are overly-eager to tell his W. There is more to the story, methinks, than what you have posted here. That is your business but posters can only give advice based on what you've reported -- or under-reported. Based on what you've said in this thread, there is no reason to go running to the W first.

 

Facebook ... have you not posted pics of the two of you on FB? (you and MM) Wouldn't the "mutual friend" have seen those and alerted the W? Chances are she knows about you.

 

Best way to find out is to do what most have advised. Tell him (not her) you saw the video. Tell him her language and body language made you uncomfortable and that you are ending further contact until he is divorced.

 

Then leave him to choose between you, the wife and the will.

Edited September 7, 2015 by sunburned

[Majormisstep]

I still call my stbxh my 'husband' even though we have been apart for almost 2 years. No legal separation drafted. Heck, we even all went on a family vacation early this year. But there is no chance of reconciliation...on his end anyway. I don't make it publicly known I've feebly attempted dating either. It is nobody's business.

 

You might have to do more digging before sending emails to his W and family. But if it is true he is still in the marital home and has been lying to you both for this long...then time to bring out the artillery. Just be careful of the backlash.

[so gutted]

How close or far away do you live from each other? Was there some distance involved making this a long-distance relationship?

 

We were 2 hours apart. I went to his house many times, i did not doubt him because he let me cone to his house and i met his friends and family. I thought that he was being open and honest.

 

The only reason im not asking him is because i know deep down he doesnt care about me and i guess i do not see the value in confirming this.

[S2B]

We were 2 hours apart. I went to his house many times, i did not doubt him because he let me cone to his house and i met his friends and family. I thought that he was being open and honest.

 

The only reason im not asking him is because i know deep down he doesnt care about me and i guess i do not see the value in confirming this.

 

You went to his house. We're her clothes there? We're there pictures around? Where did he say she was when you were at the house?

[so gutted]

I still call my stbxh my 'husband' even though we have been apart for almost 2 years. No legal separation drafted. Heck, we even all went on a family vacation early this year. But there is no chance of reconciliation...on his end anyway. I don't make it publicly known I've feebly attempted dating either. It is nobody's business.

 

You might have to do more digging before sending emails to his W and family. But if it is true he is still in the marital home and has been lying to you both for this long...then time to bring out the artillery. Just be careful of the backlash.[/quote)

 

So how much digging do i do?

Fb says a lot but i am not looking on there again because it hurts.

 

I began to go off him a while back because it wasnt going anywhere. I ignored his calls a few weeks back and started meeting others. On and off since knowing him i have met others, because i knew deep down he was notthe one, hence im reluctant to ask him.

 

I understand it isnt fair to do this to his wife, this may not impact him at all as if he cared for her he wouldnt do this to her?

[so gutted]

You went to his house. We're her clothes there? We're there pictures around? Where did he say she was when you were at the house?

 

The wardrobes were empty, no clothes. No female stuff. Just kids toys from when they were babies.

[S2B]

I still call my stbxh my 'husband' even though we have been apart for almost 2 years. No legal separation drafted. Heck, we even all went on a family vacation early this year. But there is no chance of reconciliation...on his end anyway. I don't make it publicly known I've feebly attempted dating either. It is nobody's business.

 

You might have to do more digging before sending emails to his W and family. But if it is true he is still in the marital home and has been lying to you both for this long...then time to bring out the artillery. Just be careful of the backlash.[/quote)

 

So how much digging do i do?

Fb says a lot but i am not looking on there again because it hurts.

 

I began to go off him a while back because it wasnt going anywhere. I ignored his calls a few weeks back and started meeting others. On and off since knowing him i have met others, because i knew deep down he was notthe one, hence im reluctant to ask him.

 

I understand it isnt fair to do this to his wife, this may not impact him at all as if he cared for her he wouldnt do this to her?

 

He may care very much for her but he cares about himself the most.

[so gutted]

It all sounds odd to me.

 

Where have you been meeting him all this time???

 

Have you not met his friends and family ??? If not, I would question why?

 

It seems you know very little about his personal life and yet you have known and been dating him for quite some time.

 

By the way, why not approach him calmly and reasonably and ask about the Face book thing ? It is the adult thing to do. Wait till you settle down first.

 

I wouldn't bother his wife or her family. That would be upsetting for them and whatever the case, they don't deserve it.

 

As many have pointed out to you, they are still married until divorced.

 

Poppy.

 

I have met him at his house, my place, cinema (in his neighbourhood) restaurants, at his work etc. i wasnt hidden from sight!

 

His family do deserve it, they raised an immoral person.

[so gutted]

 

He may care very much for her but he cares about himself the most.

 

If he cares why have an affair?

[so gutted]

Seems she wasn't the only one.

 

Look, OP, it's hard to get a grasp on your timeline. Seems you've known him a lot longer than 18 months. You've had some inkling as to what was happening in his life. No sweet text messages/emails/pics? Red flag. Not meeting the kids (after so long)? Red flag. Only being invited over once? Red flag. Not being told in advance he'd be attending (hosting even?) a b'day party for his W? Red flag. Being told "no divorce" because of the will? Red flag. That is him telling you he'll never divorce. That is you responding you're fine being the OW because he's wealthy and -- I almost forgot -- because you love him.

 

And despite all this great LS advice to the contrary, you are overly-eager to tell his W. There is more to the story, methinks, than what you have posted here. That is your business but posters can only give advice based on what you've reported -- or under-reported. Based on what you've said in this thread, there is no reason to go running to the W first.

 

Facebook ... have you not posted pics of the two of you on FB? (you and MM) Wouldn't the "mutual friend" have seen those and alerted the W? Chances are she knows about you.

 

Best way to find out is to do what most have advised. Tell him (not her) you saw the video. Tell him her language and body language made you uncomfortable and that you are ending further contact until he is divorced.

 

Then leave him to choose between you, the wife and the will.

 

I dont want him to chose me, i am disgusted with him. I know im looking disturbed here but i have very strong morals, i cannot knowingly be a mistress and i do not want to save this. I just want to hurt him and inform her without a backlash. I have all dates and venues, i have information, i have ammunition. I also want to tell her to get herself checked out as he may be doing this with others.

[S2B]

I dont want him to chose me, i am disgusted with him. I know im looking disturbed here but i have very strong morals, i cannot knowingly be a mistress and i do not want to save this. I just want to hurt him and inform her without a backlash. I have all dates and venues, i have information, i have ammunition. I also want to tell her to get herself checked out as he may be doing this with others.

 

Every action has a reaction. If you tell then there will be some reaction.

 

In order to help other posters who may be the OW unknowingly, can you offer any info to them? Were there any signs or signals that you notice now but didn't then?

[S2B]

 

If he cares why have an affair?

 

Oh my gosh = caring doesn't determine whether a person will cheat it not. Lack of character and integrity does.

 

 

May I ask how old you are?

[so gutted]

Every action has a reaction. If you tell then there will be some reaction.

 

In order to help other posters who may be the OW unknowingly, can you offer any info to them? Were there any signs or signals that you notice now but didn't then?

 

Yes / probably shifty behaviour when asked about kids. Too much time travelling is the perfect cover for affairs. Friends lying for him or covering up or keeping quiet.

 

He also went on a trip to Amsterdam with friends, im pretty certain this was for sec only (this was during the friendship phase).

 

I have learnt that you have to own the issue, although i was not the married one i was dating whilst seeing him and therefore i knew he wasnt the one, why did i do this to myself?

[Mount]

Amsterdam and Thailand is the sex heaven , and it is common sense.

 

Also married men who love or care their wives still have many affairs despite the cover to show public, it is common sense too. - sorry I just re-read your latest post above, as it seemed you already realized he went to Amsterdam for Sex, although you had typed sec.

 

May we know how old you are?

 

And you really mean he is not the one for you, so you should feel lucky you caught the red flag early then just let him go.

 

 

Yes / probably shifty behaviour when asked about kids. Too much time travelling is the perfect cover for affairs. Friends lying for him or covering up or keeping quiet.

 

He also went on a trip to Amsterdam with friends, im pretty certain this was for sec only (this was during the friendship phase).

 

I have learnt that you have to own the issue, although i was not the married one i was dating whilst seeing him and therefore i knew he wasnt the one, why did i do this to myself?

Edited September 8, 2015 by Mount

[Babs22]

I dont want him to chose me, i am disgusted with him. I know im looking disturbed here but i have very strong morals, i cannot knowingly be a mistress and i do not want to save this. I just want to hurt him and inform her without a backlash. I have all dates and venues, i have information, i have ammunition. I also want to tell her to get herself checked out as he may be doing this with others.

 

You definitely are coming off as a woman scorned. You will not ask him about the video because you say that,

The only reason im not asking him is because i know deep down he doesnt care about me.

I have a feeling this is not going to end well for you. You are so focused on hurting him that you are not thinking about the repercussions for yourself. I really do encourage you to have one discussion with your MM before you do anything.

 

You did choose to date someone who was married. You knew that he was only separated, not divorced. I am still wondering how he pulled off taking you to his house multiple times and there were none of his wives things there? I actually do believe they were separated based on that fact alone. Break up with him if you don't want this relationship, but you don't have to lash out at everyone in the process.

[so gutted]

Amsterdam and Thailand is the sex heaven , and it is common sense.

 

Also married men who love or care their wives still have many affairs despite the cover to show public, it is common sense too. - sorry I just re-read your latest post above, as it seemed you already realized he went to Amsterdam for Sex, although you had typed sec.

 

May we know how old you are?

 

And you really mean he is not the one for you, so you should feel lucky you caught the red flag early then just let him go.

 

Its a funny sort of "caring" having affairs and having sex with prostitutes that you pay for.

I think the wife overlooks his trips abroad as most do. Its a lot of upheaval to leave a lifestyle for the sake of an infidelity.

In my long email to her (not yet sent) i have pointed out that i do not care if she leaves ir stays but she should get herself tested in a clinic as he is not very careful.

 

This feels like a bad bad bad thing to do yet i will do it, im just fine tuning it.

 

For once im taking control and not being a victim.

[so gutted]

Its a funny sort of "caring" having affairs and having sex with prostitutes that you pay for.

I think the wife overlooks his trips abroad as most do. Its a lot of upheaval to leave a lifestyle for the sake of an infidelity.

In my long email to her (not yet sent) i have pointed out that i do not care if she leaves ir stays but she should get herself tested in a clinic as he is not very careful.

 

This feels like a bad bad bad thing to do yet i will do it, im just fine tuning it.

 

For once im taking control and not being a victim.

 

 

I am mid 30's ...

[scorpiogirl]

Its a funny sort of "caring" having affairs and having sex with prostitutes that you pay for.

I think the wife overlooks his trips abroad as most do. Its a lot of upheaval to leave a lifestyle for the sake of an infidelity.

In my long email to her (not yet sent) i have pointed out that i do not care if she leaves ir stays but she should get herself tested in a clinic as he is not very careful.

 

This feels like a bad bad bad thing to do yet i will do it, im just fine tuning it.

 

For once im taking control and not being a victim.

 

You sound irrational. You're taking "revenge" for every other man you've made a bad decision with. You don't have all the facts yet you have manufactured a whole story, including a life of crime for this man who is blissfully unaware of the crazy about to be unleashed on his family.

 

You are the one that chooses these men. You walk around with your eyes closed.

What do you want people here to say? You never listen anyway.

 

Good luck with trying to ruin a whole bunch of people's lives.

[Goodbye]

There are varying shades of "separated." When I started dating I was LEGALLY separated...as in I had exclusive use of the home residence and there was a court mandated custody plan in place as well as pendente lite support through the courts. ALL of this is public record, as is the date of filing. When my exH actually moved in with someone else, I took that as my green light to start dating.

 

That being said...I fell into the same trap you did. Blinders on, got back together with a long distance ex boyfriend who was "separated." He was the form of separated that meant that he traveled a lot for work and had a separate residence. Ha. In no way was there a divorce pending. His poor wife had NO idea he was seeing me, and I had no idea (for a while at least...denial is a funky thing) he was actually in a functional marriage. After seeing him several times I wanted to visit him in his home town and he did a trickle truth confession (separated, not legally...staying for kid, blah, blah). Then I saw a post on FB where he was away with his W on a weekend he told me he was going on a "guys fishing trip." Ended it. Told his W. He vanished for a while but would reappear once my wounds had started to heal. Finally I had to block him from all possible communications.

 

I'm sorry this happened. But now the blinders are off and you need to turn away. People vary in their opinions about telling the W. I did it for two reasons. One, to really END things. Two, because I'm the type who'd want to know. And yes...I wanted him to feel a little of the pain I was experiencing after giving him my heart stupidly.

[so gutted]

There are varying shades of "separated." When I started dating I was LEGALLY separated...as in I had exclusive use of the home residence and there was a court mandated custody plan in place as well as pendente lite support through the courts. ALL of this is public record, as is the date of filing. When my exH actually moved in with someone else, I took that as my green light to start dating.

 

That being said...I fell into the same trap you did. Blinders on, got back together with a long distance ex boyfriend who was "separated." He was the form of separated that meant that he traveled a lot for work and had a separate residence. Ha. In no way was there a divorce pending. His poor wife had NO idea he was seeing me, and I had no idea (for a while at least...denial is a funky thing) he was actually in a functional marriage. After seeing him several times I wanted to visit him in his home town and he did a trickle truth confession (separated, not legally...staying for kid, blah, blah). Then I saw a post on FB where he was away with his W on a weekend he told me he was going on a "guys fishing trip." Ended it. Told his W. He vanished for a while but would reappear once my wounds had started to heal. Finally I had to block him from all possible communications.

 

I'm sorry this happened. But now the blinders are off and you need to turn away. People vary in their opinions about telling the W. I did it for two reasons. One, to really END things. Two, because I'm the type who'd want to know. And yes...I wanted him to feel a little of the pain I was experiencing after giving him my heart stupidly.

 

Wow - how much did you tell his wife and how did she react. Was this on fb?