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Just found out he deceived me for 2 years

so gutted

By so gutted,
in The Other Man / Woman

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SoulCat

SoulCat

Posted
Posted
Its not confirmed but he went to amsterdam with male mates (when we were friends) and claimed they only did drugs there.

 

 

Uhm, not wanting to sound like the Amsterdam Tourist Board here but there's lots of things to do there without visiting prostitutes.

Lots of folk go there just to wonder around the Red Light District, visit 'coffee shops' to smoke a spliff or two. Perfectly legal.

 

Heck, I've done it myself with my ex husband.

 

 

Im still hurt. We shared a friendship, he was intiating the meet ups in the friendship, he too a decision to ruin that by taking things further.

 

 

Now that is just nonsense. You were there as well. You could have stopped him if you didn't want things to go beyond friendship.

Put your big girl pants on and stop making yourself out to be the eternal victim.

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privategal

privategal

Posted
Posted

Oh my. In reading your previous posts this latest man does appear to be part of a pattern in your life. A dangerous one.

Only you can change your life and I dont believe anyone here can help you at all. Only you can help you because what you've been engaging in for years is all the same.

There's a deep issue that desperately needs psychological help.

And you know what, each of us needs help in some manner if we are here so my post is not to put you down but to hold you accountable as we each need to be for the damage we create in our own lives.

I see you similiar to Alicia Silverstone in the movie "the Crush". I hope you can turn your life around.

I hope now that Ive read back that in this case you wont ruin this mm's life because now I see you do appear to play with fire and invite drama.

Almost as if you enjoy the pain as you are in pain and so empty and damaged.

Don't take someone down with you this way.

Good luck and I do mean it sincerely as you face this journey of life.

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Lois_Griffin

Lois_Griffin

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Jesus, just TELL the wife and be done with it. Why does there have to be SO much drama around this?

 

Guess what?

 

If he's REALLY separated, she's not going to give a rat's ass if he was seeing you, so no harm, no foul.

 

If he IS a lying sack of sh*t and has been conning you all this time, then he deserves every single thing he gets and at the TOP of that list would be telling his wife.

 

NOW.

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autumnnight

autumnnight

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Posted
So are you suggesting i do nothing and let hom carry on?

 

No, people are suggesting you be an adult and talk directly to HIM instead of possibly ripping apart his entire family just so you can stick it to him.

 

This is not had. You are just refusing to see it because you want us to tell you to go for the jugular.

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Mount

Mount

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Posted

So he is the last man on earth you should have contact, or in your mind. AND you should waste any second to open a post even about this lowest low man, and every one of us should have spent a single second to help you sort out the issue which isn't an issue at all. Because he is nobody to you, you should just leave him alone, him being another strange on the earth.

 

Why you continue dwelling on that, what is your issue?

 

Because:

 

1) he is untrustworthy

2) he sees prostitutes

3) he cheats on his wife

4) i was dating others so indirectly i knew it would not work

5) pride

6) fear of his indifference

7) the video said it all. Her proudness when she called him her husband.

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Got it

Got it

Posted
Posted
OP, I took the time to look up your other threads, including one from 2008 where you agonized over the same dilemma- should I tell his wife, whatever other poor chap you had your eyes on at that time.

 

You need help. As in professional help. And a lot of it. Preferably before you out anyone, who in my opinion can be absolutely innocent. You seem to invent relationships while the other party is blissfully unaware you have decided you are in one with them.

 

Please go see a therapist.

 

I think this needs to be highlighted again. I think the fact you didn't have sex, so I severely question that you guys were lovers, that this is a pattern for you, I believe you create relationships in your head that do not exist - not fully. So I don't think you should tell because I don't think there is anything TO tell that is actually based on reality.

 

I am sorry, I know you are hurting, but I think you need psychological help that is far more than what LoveShack can give you.

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cozycottagelg

cozycottagelg

Posted
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Have you considered just calling him? And saying -

 

"Hey, I talked to your wife today. She said you weren't separated. Until you are I don't want to continue this relationship."

 

Then hang up. Say it as kindly and steadily as you can. Like you were delivering good news, upbeat even. Don't act mad or upset.

 

In turn, he will panic. He won't know what to say to his wife. He may go home and go off about how crazy you are and how you wanted him and he turned you down and you're just some wacko..but then HE will look crazy because his wife actually has no idea what he's talking about.

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SoulCat

SoulCat

Posted
Posted
Have you considered just calling him? And saying -

 

"Hey, I talked to your wife today. She said you weren't separated. Until you are I don't want to continue this relationship."

 

Then hang up. Say it as kindly and steadily as you can. Like you were delivering good news, upbeat even. Don't act mad or upset.

 

 

Respectfully, I think this is a bad idea. The last thing OP needs to do is add lies and subterfuge to all of this. She's already spinning out all over the place.

 

 

In turn, he will panic. He won't know what to say to his wife. He may go home and go off about how crazy you are and how you wanted him and he turned you down and you're just some wacko..but then HE will look crazy because his wife actually has no idea what he's talking about.

 

 

Or he may not. If, -and that is at this point a big IF- he is a cheater, and a seasoned one at that, he may just turn to his wife and ask 'Hey, did you talk to a strange lady today? A woman from work thought she spoke to you but I thought maybe she was mistaken in thinking it was you'.

 

 

 

There, bomb diffused. No panic, no crazy.

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sandylee1

sandylee1

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Posted
So he is the last man on earth you should have contact, or in your mind. AND you should waste any second to open a post even about this lowest low man, and every one of us should have spent a single second to help you sort out the issue which isn't an issue at all. Because he is nobody to you, you should just leave him alone, him being another strange on the earth.

 

Why you continue dwelling on that, what is your issue?

 

To be fair to the OP, pretty much all the MM being spoken about here are low and yet the OWS get support, with the FULL knowledge he is married.

 

Expose him and then move on with your life. His wife needs to know the truth and if they're seperated , she'll say thanks but we're not together like that anymore. At least that's what I'd say.

 

I am totally supportive of exposure.

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Lurkeraspect

Lurkeraspect

Posted
Posted (edited)
To be fair to the OP, pretty much all the MM being spoken about here are low and yet the OWS get support, with the FULL knowledge he is married.

 

Expose him and then move on with your life. His wife needs to know the truth and if they're seperated , she'll say thanks but we're not together like that anymore. At least that's what I'd say.

 

I am totally supportive of exposure.

 

I agree with you, but... I'm not even sure there has been an affair. There's certainly been no sex, (best I can tell) no pictures of them together, no cards, presents, etc. Im beginning to think this "relationship" might only be a figment of the OPs imagination. She claims he's visited prostitutes, only because he's visited Amsterdam with his male friends. Something just seems really off. It was suggested that she talk to this guy, no response, it's been suggested that she gather more information, no response. She's highly pissed at this guys wife, who has done absolutely nothing to her, yet her main goal is blowing her world up, for spite.

 

Reading back over OPs history, it just seems to be a pattern of picking wrong/unavailable men, then getting upset when they treat her like crap.

Edited by Lurkeraspect
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MidwestUSA

MidwestUSA

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Posted
So Gutted, your last 2 threads also appear to have been about this guy. In both of those threads posters were telling you there were red flags and that you should talk to the guy about your concerns. Most notably in the first thread last summer you said he was separated for 3yrs and then later in the same thread you said his youngest child was 2yrs old. A poster rightfully asked how it is that he was separated for 3yrs but had a 2yr old. You never came answered that question and never posted on that thread again.

 

That may have been me. Sounds like something I would ask. Still waiting for the answer. It seems OP refuses to actually communicate with the guys she chooses, then paints them in the worst possible light when things don't go her way.

 

I don't even see how she can consider what she and this guy had a 'relationship'.

Sounds like he was a chat buddy while she dated others, looking for better.

 

OP, if you knew this guy wasn't 'the one', why did you bother with him? You wasted his time, but YOU want revenge. Why such hatred? You're in the wrong here as well.

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so gutted

so gutted

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That may have been me. Sounds like something I would ask. Still waiting for the answer. It seems OP refuses to actually communicate with the guys she chooses, then paints them in the worst possible light when things don't go her way.

 

I don't even see how she can consider what she and this guy had a 'relationship'.

Sounds like he was a chat buddy while she dated others, looking for better.

 

OP, if you knew this guy wasn't 'the one', why did you bother with him? You wasted his time, but YOU want revenge. Why such hatred? You're in the wrong here as well.

 

The age of his kids has never been inquestion.

 

We met up, chatted, went out (he paid). I met his family, although we did not have a chat re exclusivity he still les me on.

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CarrieT

CarrieT

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he still les me on.

 

So you keep saying...

 

But why haven't you answered anyone's questions/suggestions about actually calling him?

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Got it

Got it

Posted
Posted
So you keep saying...

 

But why haven't you answered anyone's questions/suggestions about actually calling him?

 

And HOW did he led her on? I am getting the distinct impression she was seen as a friend and introduced as such. Why wouldn't he have introduced her to people then? I don't think we have seen any evidence it was more than platonic. Maybe one night of making out. But that is being speculated about.

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Lurkeraspect

Lurkeraspect

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Posted (edited)

So gutted,

 

Hence you're user name. I feel you are the perpetual victim. I'm so sorry for you. I will gently suggest you seek out some counseling. I think your man picker is broken. This man isn't your problem. He's a symptom . And if you don't address you; you're going to be back here in 6-12 months with an equally messed up story. Please seek some sort of professional help. No stigma there. This is your life after all

Edited by Lurkeraspect
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Lurkeraspect

Lurkeraspect

Posted
Posted (edited)
The age of his kids has never been inquestion.

 

We met up, chatted, went out (he paid). I met his family, although we did not have a chat re exclusivity he still les me on.

 

What does any of that even mean? He paid? That's your barometer?

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Mount

Mount

Posted
Posted

Come on, in this case, that guy is not even in relationship with this OP yet, it has been an imagining fantasy so far.

 

The OP is dancing a solo yet imaging she is waltzing with some guy whom non-exists in her "romance".

 

To be fair to the OP, pretty much all the MM being spoken about here are low and yet the OWS get support, with the FULL knowledge he is married.

 

Expose him and then move on with your life. His wife needs to know the truth and if they're seperated , she'll say thanks but we're not together like that anymore. At least that's what I'd say.

 

I am totally supportive of exposure.

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Babs22

Babs22

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Posted
I think this needs to be highlighted again. I think the fact you didn't have sex, so I severely question that you guys were lovers, that this is a pattern for you, I believe you create relationships in your head that do not exist - not fully. So I don't think you should tell because I don't think there is anything TO tell that is actually based on reality.

 

I am sorry, I know you are hurting, but I think you need psychological help that is far more than what LoveShack can give you.

 

I agree with Got it. I do not think you should contact the wife in any way, shape or form. I do not believe there is anything to tell. You have said that you did not have sex with this MM, so none of us are clear as to what you mean when you say, you took it to the next level? I do not think this relationship would qualify as an affair. If anything it might be an EA, but I don't think it was on his part. If it was a physical affair, then you need to explain to everyone here how it was physical because your statements are confusing. You stated that you are lovers but that you have not had sex?? That is confusing and you have not answered any questions about how your relationship was physical when we have asked.

 

This man's wife did not do anything to warrant the pain you want to inflict on her. She is totally innocent in this whole thing. If the MM did not believe he was in a relationship with you, and only you thought it was somehow a serious relationship, you would be inflicting undo pain on an innocent person with no cause. I do not believe you want to tell her because "it is the right thing to do", I think you want to tell his wife to hurt him and to hurt her (She didn't do anything!). Please do not do anything for at least a couple of weeks. If you are not in counseling, I think seeing a counselor so you can process all this would be a good idea.

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sandylee1

sandylee1

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I agree with you, but... I'm not even sure there has been an affair. There's certainly been no sex, (best I can tell) no pictures of them together, no cards, presents, etc. Im beginning to think this "relationship" might only be a figment of the OPs imagination. She claims he's visited prostitutes, only because he's visited Amsterdam with his male friends. Something just seems really off. It was suggested that she talk to this guy, no response, it's been suggested that she gather more information, no response. She's highly pissed at this guys wife, who has done absolutely nothing to her, yet her main goal is blowing her world up, for spite.

 

Reading back over OPs history, it just seems to be a pattern of picking wrong/unavailable men, then getting upset when they treat her like crap.

 

I'm getting confused here. I didn't realise the OP wasn't sleeping with the MM. I thought she meant she wasn't sleeping with the other guys she dated. Isn't that why the OP said his wife should get tested for STIs because he wasnt careful. Maybe I've misunderstood somewhere along the way.

 

Now if it wasn't physical and you didn't exchange loving messages , then maybe this is just a friendship. Then again, why would he take you to his house?

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so gutted

so gutted

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I'm getting confused here. I didn't realise the OP wasn't sleeping with the MM. I thought she meant she wasn't sleeping with the other guys she dated. Isn't that why the OP said his wife should get tested for STIs because he wasnt careful. Maybe I've misunderstood somewhere along the way.

 

Now if it wasn't physical and you didn't exchange loving messages , then maybe this is just a friendship. Then again, why would he take you to his house?

 

We did have sex. He did have an affair. He was married.

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