Just found out he deceived me for 2 years

[so gutted]

I'm confused.

 

When he took things further from friendship we didnt. After that we did.

 

When we first got intimate i asked him what took him so long he said he waiting for the right moment, indicating he had thought about it.

[scorpiogirl]

Just stop. Stop this nonsense. You're desperate to marry and have children and lingering over this is getting you no closer. Stop blaming everyone.

 

Your threads here prove that you're nowhere near ready for a relationship. You reason like a scorned teenager every single time.

You weren't deceived. You played along hoping to bag a husband this time round.

I have no sympathy for you at all because you put yourself in this position.

[so gutted]

Just stop. Stop this nonsense. You're desperate to marry and have children and lingering over this is getting you no closer. Stop blaming everyone.

 

Your threads here prove that you're nowhere near ready for a relationship. You reason like a scorned teenager every single time.

You weren't deceived. You played along hoping to bag a husband this time round.

I have no sympathy for you at all because you put yourself in this position.

 

Thats helpful!

 

He had an affair, not me. I asked for clarity he lied - how can i be blamed fully for that?

[so gutted]

I agree with Got it. I do not think you should contact the wife in any way, shape or form. I do not believe there is anything to tell. You have said that you did not have sex with this MM, so none of us are clear as to what you mean when you say, you took it to the next level? I do not think this relationship would qualify as an affair. If anything it might be an EA, but I don't think it was on his part. If it was a physical affair, then you need to explain to everyone here how it was physical because your statements are confusing. You stated that you are lovers but that you have not had sex?? That is confusing and you have not answered any questions about how your relationship was physical when we have asked.

 

This man's wife did not do anything to warrant the pain you want to inflict on her. She is totally innocent in this whole thing. If the MM did not believe he was in a relationship with you, and only you thought it was somehow a serious relationship, you would be inflicting undo pain on an innocent person with no cause. I do not believe you want to tell her because "it is the right thing to do", I think you want to tell his wife to hurt him and to hurt her (She didn't do anything!). Please do not do anything for at least a couple of weeks. If you are not in counseling, I think seeing a counselor so you can process all this would be a good idea.

If you were the wife and your husband was sleeping with another woman regardless of how stupid the woman may have been, wouldnt you want to know?

 

Should she live in ignorant bliss?

 

Is he blameless?

He has caused me pain, yes i admit i ignored things but i did also ask him straight out if he was back with her and he said no.

[Sassy Girl]

Funny how the people who need counselling the most also avoid it the most,

[scorpiogirl]

Thats helpful!

 

He had an affair, not me. I asked for clarity he lied - how can i be blamed fully for that?

 

Stop playing the victim. All you want is for this wife to be as miserable as you are ( all your fault yes).

You're incredibly dangerous and I hope you spare other people from your victim attitude.

 

It's not your place to police his life. You don't know the whole story! No sympathy for you here at all!

[Got it]

So Gutted, PLEASE seek professional help. Have a therapist walk through all of this and let them advise you on what you should do.

 

I think you are just looking for people to agree with you without you really actually doing anything. Which is fine, sometimes that is all someone needs. But since you are all over the place, you are repeating the same patterns and there are discrepancies in your story, see someone in real life to really work through this. No one is doubting you are hurting but the why is nebulous.

 

I wish you peace.

[so gutted]

Stop playing the victim. All you want is for this wife to be as miserable as you are ( all your fault yes).

You're incredibly dangerous and I hope you spare other people from your victim attitude.

 

It's not your place to police his life. You don't know the whole story! No sympathy for you here at all!

 

I have no wish to hurt her but if he is doing this with me and others and we all stay silent we are as bad as him.

 

I am going to tell her if you could provide constructive tips on how i can limit her hurt that would be helpful.

 

Im miserable, yes caused by him.

 

Yes i take accountability, but i cannot walk away without communicating this. I wish i could. My friends have all backed this.

[so gutted]

So Gutted, PLEASE seek professional help. Have a therapist walk through all of this and let them advise you on what you should do.

 

I think you are just looking for people to agree with you without you really actually doing anything. Which is fine, sometimes that is all someone needs. But since you are all over the place, you are repeating the same patterns and there are discrepancies in your story, see someone in real life to really work through this. No one is doubting you are hurting but the why is nebulous.

 

I wish you peace.

 

I had a counsellor previously, they were not very in touch with online dating. It was awkward.

[SoulCat]

I had a counsellor previously, they were not very in touch with online dating. It was awkward.

 

 

 

Online dating is NOT the crux of your problems. You are.

In all your 50+ threads detailing your dating woes going back almost a decade YOU are the common denominator.

[Got it]

I had a counsellor previously, they were not very in touch with online dating. It was awkward.

 

That has nothing to do with anything. Your issue isn't online dating or the technology tied to online dating. Your issues are about you, your perception of other people, your culpability/accountability, and projections.

[Robert]

Let's make sure to keep the posts helpful and not hurtful, pulling up the past posts when appropriate is okay providing you are using it to provide on topic helpful advice for the thread starter rather than take a poke.

 

Thanks

[so gutted]

Let's make sure to keep the posts helpful and not hurtful, pulling up the past posts when appropriate is okay providing you are using it to provide on topic helpful advice for the thread starter rather than take a poke.

 

Thanks

 

Thanks. Im over the past ones. Im just trying to find someone with limited time and its clearly not working as i keep gettinf unavailable men.

[Mount]

By glancing your historical posts regarding dating regarding finding the man since year 2006, now is close to the end of year 2015, can't you not see something is /has not been working for your goal "finding a man".

 

Instead of wasting another 10 years and by then you will be close to 50, you should really do something to improve, or fix something within you. Be healthy first, which including mentally healthy, as well as physically well.

 

 

Thanks. Im over the past ones. Im just trying to find someone with limited time and its clearly not working as i keep gettinf unavailable men.

Edited September 11, 2015 by Mount

[so gutted]

By glancing your historical posts regarding dating regarding finding the man since year 2006, now is close to the end of year 2015, can't you not see something is /has not been working for your goal "finding a man".

 

Instead of wasting another 10 years and by then you will be close to 50, you should really do something to improve, or fix something within you. Be healthy first, which including mentally healthy, as well as physically well.

 

In my past i have not approached anyone's wife...

[anika99]

So gutted one thing I have noticed in your history is your tendency to become completely focused on the guys who are the most elusive. The ones who send mixed signals and who come on hard and then push you away. You have to ask yourself why these are the men you are attracted to? Why do you keep picking the same kind over and over again?

 

One possible reason is that it is you who is emotionally unavailable. Another thing I noticed in your past threads is that you use strong words to express your feelings but your feelings are actually quite shallow, undeveloped and fickle. For example in one thread you would talk about being absolutely "gutted" about some guy who hasn't called since the second date and just a few days or weeks later you would be "gutted" over some other guy. Over and over again, and you always sound deeply wounded but really none of these guys mean anything to you.

 

Something else that stood out. You have difficulty feeling or showing empathy for people. There were a few threads regarding guys who were going through something traumatic, like a friend or close relative would die, and your response would be to make it all about you and your feelings. You would post all worried that the tragedy was going to make the guy ignore Valentine's Day and obsessing over your own selfish feelings. When people would explain that people need time and space to grieve you always seemed sincerely puzzled by that. Like you really have no understanding or awareness of the feeling of other people. It's always "yeah but what about me"?.

 

This maybe married, maybe separated guy seems to have held your interest the longest and I think it's precisely for the reason that he hasn't ever been fully available to you the entire time. He remained emotionally aloof and elusive the whole time and that's how he kept you interested. You go after this type because deep down you are not really able to open up and connect because you are emotionally unavailable and closed off. All your many connections with guys are shallow and short lived. It all sounds so exhausting to me. Don't you want to just get off the roller coaster for a little while? Take a break from all this crazy dating multiple men and spend some time getting to know yourself?

 

Lastly there was a thread about a date you went on that took a nasty turn and ended up being what most people would consider a traumatic and life altering experience. It made me feel very sad for you (genuinely) but again you seemed to just brush it off and carried on as usual. I really think you are disconnected and don't know yourself. Take a year off from dating and spend some time with a counsellor.

[Got it]

In my past i have not approached anyone's wife...

 

Oh honey, you are really refusing to really look at the crux of the problem. You keep wanting to focus on the ancillary items and not the actual issues.

[Mount]

That is not the point in the content of my post.

 

Can you see the pattern here, what people communicated to you by meaning "Apple", you would totally (mis)understand as "Orange"..

 

No wonder you are getting where you are, because all the communications you perceived from people including your "men", dates, were mis-channeled in your brain/mind.

 

In my past i have not approached anyone's wife...

[so gutted]

So gutted one thing I have noticed in your history is your tendency to become completely focused on the guys who are the most elusive. The ones who send mixed signals and who come on hard and then push you away. You have to ask yourself why these are the men you are attracted to? Why do you keep picking the same kind over and over again?

 

One possible reason is that it is you who is emotionally unavailable. Another thing I noticed in your past threads is that you use strong words to express your feelings but your feelings are actually quite shallow, undeveloped and fickle. For example in one thread you would talk about being absolutely "gutted" about some guy who hasn't called since the second date and just a few days or weeks later you would be "gutted" over some other guy. Over and over again, and you always sound deeply wounded but really none of these guys mean anything to you.

 

Something else that stood out. You have difficulty feeling or showing empathy for people. There were a few threads regarding guys who were going through something traumatic, like a friend or close relative would die, and your response would be to make it all about you and your feelings. You would post all worried that the tragedy was going to make the guy ignore Valentine's Day and obsessing over your own selfish feelings. When people would explain that people need time and space to grieve you always seemed sincerely puzzled by that. Like you really have no understanding or awareness of the feeling of other people. It's always "yeah but what about me"?.

 

This maybe married, maybe separated guy seems to have held your interest the longest and I think it's precisely for the reason that he hasn't ever been fully available to you the entire time. He remained emotionally aloof and elusive the whole time and that's how he kept you interested. You go after this type because deep down you are not really able to open up and connect because you are emotionally unavailable and closed off. All your many connections with guys are shallow and short lived. It all sounds so exhausting to me. Don't you want to just get off the roller coaster for a little while? Take a break from all this crazy dating multiple men and spend some time getting to know yourself?

 

Lastly there was a thread about a date you went on that took a nasty turn and ended up being what most people would consider a traumatic and life altering experience. It made me feel very sad for you (genuinely) but again you seemed to just brush it off and carried on as usual. I really think you are disconnected and don't know yourself. Take a year off from dating and spend some time with a counsellor.

 

 

I agree what what you are saying. I am enotionally unavailable and i have no idea why.

[Got it]

I agree what what you are saying. I am enotionally unavailable and i have no idea why.

 

A good professional can help you discover why. But you have to be open to the process and the feedback.

[eye of the storm]

So Gutted, Just a tip about therapy. Many people go into therapy thinking they know what to do to fix themselves. So when the therapist gives advice or "homework" we tend to blow them off. "that sounds stupid" or "that will never work" or my favorite "I don't see the purpose in that"

 

If you could fix yourself, you would not need therapy.

 

Find a therapist you are comfortable, BE HONEST about yourself, and do your homework.

 

My daughter went to a therapist and all they talked about was her dad. I finally called the therapist and told her than my daughters issues were not her dad. Her issues was how she dealt with stress and conflict. She needed life skills, not to talk about her father. Therapy became much more effective after that. When you go see a therapist, please do not waste time talking about all these men. These men are not your issue. Your issue is you.

 

I wish you luck.

[kendahke]

I have no wish to hurt her but

 

But nothing. If you have no wish to hurt her, then don't hurt her.

 

I am going to tell her if you could provide constructive tips on how i can limit her hurt that would be helpful.

 

Sorry. You need to figure that one out by yourself. You can't limit the hurt because hurt is what you want to do to her. You've made her the enemy; that is evident by how you couldn't stand that she was enjoying her friends and family celebrating her birthday.

 

Im miserable, yes caused by him.

 

Yes i take accountability, but

 

But nothing.

 

You are miserable because of the choices you make--no one forced you into a relationship with someone else's husband. You chose to go there. At any time, you could have said "Hmmm... separated... that means you're not legally free to be with me, so I'm going to put you down and go find someone who is free to be with me..." You chose not to do that. Own that.

 

Also, don't presume that she doesn't know about you. I'll bet money that she knows all about you, if not from him then from that mutual friend you two share. She may not be the withering violet when you show up to hurt her--she may be handing you your behind when she's done with you.

 

Thank her graciously when she does and resolve yourself to leave separated and married men alone in the future.

[so gutted]

I can't see that he was ever "looking consistent and available" while you were dating him.

 

He raised all kinds of question marks to you - in your head- with disappearing for days and weeks at a time.

 

This is enough for you to have the idea that he wasn't available.

 

 

And so now you know. Just knowing should be enough. You can let it go and move forward...for YOUR happiness!

 

 

Staying upset with him is only handing him all YOUR power.

 

 

Take your power back and know that it's over. This way you can heal and be more open to someone new, someone available!

 

And never ignore the red flags again; they are there to show you caution about what's really going on.

 

Noone is understanding that to let this go i need to tell his wife. I feel ashamed. The truth might set us both free.

[Mount]

When you deliberately want to do something, you do not need permission. So many crimes and murders happen everyday, they dont post or ask to get permission first.

 

You keep posting over 9-10 years because you are totally messed up within yourself. No any other people's fault, not any fault from your dating man, nor the fault of their wives. You choose what do do and what life path every day you live, in past 9 years, and same will be next 10 years, and next 20 years, till the END.

 

Noone is understanding that to let this go i need to tell his wife. I feel ashamed. The truth might set us both free.

[eye of the storm]

Noone is understanding that to let this go i need to tell his wife. I feel ashamed. The truth might set us both free.

 

You feel ashamed so you want to carpet bomb her. You have already admitted that this is simple revenge.

 

Walk away.

 

The only reason you are not "free" is because you refuse to let go and move on. The only thing keeping you trapped here is your own desire for punishment.