Just found out he deceived me for 2 years

[autumnnight]

I thought he was agood apple. Dont i deserve an explanation?

 

Simply put? No, you don't.

[autumnnight]

Yes im wondering why the pattern? Why do THEY mention marriage?

 

You are the pattern. You are unstable and somehow unable to see yourself honestly. You NEED gtherapy

[ShatteredLady]

Do you have close, single, female friends? If not (or they are all men obsessed) focus on that. Rather than searching for a man, search for friends. Have interests & hobbies together. Have fun! Have therapy.

 

Set a timeline. eg No serious dating for 6months - 1 year. You can go to dinner or dancing but NO talk of marriage or long term stuff. NO talking of past pain!! Just fun.

 

I know that you're lonely. I know you want a husband but "Until death us do part" is a bloody long time if you marry the wrong man!!

 

Find female friends & have fun. Find great interests that fill your time (& give you things to talk about) you will find that if your life is FULL, any man that's less than perfect (for you) will be easy to walk away from...because they're stealing time you could be enjoying with your friends!

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with going on lots of dates. Meeting new people can be interesting. EVERY DATE is NOT an AUDITION for a HUSBAND!!

[Didn'tKnowIt]

Wow what a creep! This just shows that the wife will most likelt blame the other woman, not her husband. In this scenario, he has assets and wants to see his kids so this situation works. I have not told her yet or stalked her fb profile etc. i am trying to take a step back and exit this negativity.

 

Its hard.

 

Sorry for what you went through, i hopw your kid is ok and away from that creep!

 

Yes, the OW is always blamed, even if she had no idea MM was, in fact, married. OW are charged with being psychics and mindreaders. Every time someone asks me, in an accusatory tone, how could I not know that he was married, my response is how could his ex-wife not know that he was living a second and full life with another woman for over a year?

 

People have the tendency to see affairs, and the people who are in them, as black and white. The persons in the triangle are either good or evil, victim or abuser, right or wrong. It's a very simplistic way of viewing complicated situations involving humans who are capable of complex thought and behavior.

 

My son is great. MM lives in HK for part of the year and in his home country the remainder of the year. He moved back to his home country after the divorce. My son is old enough to fly out by himself. Ex-wife is still insane, still blames me for all, and still thinks MM and I have some kind of relationship. The sad thing is, she's completely wrong, holding on to hate and anger towards me, and driving herself crazy because she refuses to see him for the lying, cheating garbage he was. I can't even remember the last time I heard his voice. I think it's been 7 or 8 years since I've actually heard his voice. We handle everything regarding our son via email and through our assistants. I have no reason to speak to him personally. It's all business: my assistant can send him flight itineraries, email or snail mail him pictures, email him videos of games and activities, email him when I need something for my son from him, and coordinate with his assistant to schedule my son's visits.

 

Since my son's siblings are significantly older than him, they reached out when they left home and went to college. They have a good relationship with him and treat him very well. He's their little baby (even though he's not thatlittle anymore!). They love him so much and I'm happy for that. The least I can say about MM and his ex-wife is that they raised emotionally intelligent and thinking children. They are able to see my son as their simply their sibling and not the product of an affair or the reason why their parents divorced and although they realize that their dad was the source of everything that happened, they still love him and treat him well. They have a good relationship with both of their parents and I'm happy for that too.

 

As for your situation, why even bother contacting her? Ignorance is bliss. It's best to just leave it up to her to figure out what he's up to. If she ever figures it out, hopefully she is smart enough to secure those assets he's trying to hold on too. Also, she can't keep him from seeing his children. It's up to the court to determine whether he gets to see his kids or not.

 

You want to punish him. But, don't hurt others in the course of doing that. The best you can do in this situation is stay with him long enough to syphon money off of him and then abruptly end all contact when you've gotten the most you can get. I know some people will disagree with this, but at least you'll receive some kind of compensation for dealing with his lies and double live. Good luck.

[Didn'tKnowIt]

You can't "hold him accountable." You saw him a month. There was no commitment or agreement. There is nothing to be held accountable FOR

 

Yes she can. We are accountable for the things we do to everyone we come into contact with. This wasn't a passing "hello and goodbye". He wiggled his way into her life for a month all while he was married.

 

I think the idea that MM and MW are not accountable to the people they cheat with is one of the reasons why people continue to cheat. They never feel the full brunt of what they've done. The person they entered into the affair with is easily thrown away. This is one of the reasons I believe the OW or OM end up telling spouses and making the situation worse than what it has to be.

 

When people's feelings are invalidated, they do desperate things.

 

One of the best things I've ever read on one of these boards a few years ago is a post from a therapist. The therapist basically summed it up nicely: the OM or OW DOES owe something to the OM or OW because they entered into a relationship with them no matter how short or long that relationship was. They owe at least an apology or an explanation, ESPECIALLY when they've fed the OM or OW a bunch of lies about their marriage being over or failed to even tell them that they were married. After they are held accountable to the OM or OW, then they and the OM and OW can cut ties completely. Pretending as if you owe no explanation to the other person or that you are not accountable to them makes recovery that much harder for all involved. It invites the other party to keep invading your life and re-opening wounds for both the cheater and their spouse.

 

I think that therapist was absolutely correct.

 

It's hard to put the past in the past and keep it there when the MM or MW is let off the hook when it comes to the person they cheated with. A person who does not get closure is a person who will continue to seethe. And because that person still have painful feelings since they had no closure and since the MM or MW felt like they owed them nothing, not even an apology or explanation, the other person wants to punish them for the suffering they have to endure due to no closure.

 

What this MM did was especially loathsome: he introduced her to his kids! So yes, she can hold him accountable for what he did and the lies he told.

 

An analogy: if someone goes out into the street and engages a stranger in such as way as to engage their emotions, that stranger can hold them accountable for doing that. Responsibility for your actions and what you do to people is what keeps society ordered.

 

Simply put? No, you don't.

 

Yes she does.

[Lurkeraspect]

Yes she can. We are accountable for the things we do to everyone we come into contact with. This wasn't a passing "hello and goodbye". He wiggled his way into her life for a month all while he was married.

 

I think the idea that MM and MW are not accountable to the people they cheat with is one of the reasons why people continue to cheat. They never feel the full brunt of what they've done. The person they entered into the affair with is easily thrown away. This is one of the reasons I believe the OW or OM end up telling spouses and making the situation worse than what it has to be.

 

When people's feelings are invalidated, they do desperate things.

 

One of the best things I've ever read on one of these boards a few years ago is a post from a therapist. The therapist basically summed it up nicely: the OM or OW DOES owe something to the OM or OW because they entered into a relationship with them no matter how short or long that relationship was. They owe at least an apology or an explanation, ESPECIALLY when they've fed the OM or OW a bunch of lies about their marriage being over or failed to even tell them that they were married. After they are held accountable to the OM or OW, then they and the OM and OW can cut ties completely. Pretending as if you owe no explanation to the other person or that you are not accountable to them makes recovery that much harder for all involved. It invites the other party to keep invading your life and re-opening wounds for both the cheater and their spouse.

 

I think that therapist was absolutely correct.

 

It's hard to put the past in the past and keep it there when the MM or MW is let off the hook when it comes to the person they cheated with. A person who does not get closure is a person who will continue to seethe. And because that person still have painful feelings since they had no closure and since the MM or MW felt like they owed them nothing, not even an apology or explanation, the other person wants to punish them for the suffering they have to endure due to no closure.

 

What this MM did was especially loathsome: he introduced her to his kids! So yes, she can hold him accountable for what he did and the lies he told.

 

An analogy: if someone goes out into the street and engages a stranger in such as way as to engage their emotions, that stranger can hold them accountable for doing that. Responsibility for your actions and what you do to people is what keeps society ordered.

 

 

 

Yes she does.

 

Please don't feed into this OPs story with your own. The OP has been (for years) continually seeking out unavailable men, believing they were her soulmate and savior. Only to be shat upon. Not sure of your story, but am guessing it's not the same. This post isn't about you.

[whichwayisup]

I really appreciate this, i totally agree. Please understand that i find it very very hard to stop dating. Itmust be an addiction. I find it part of life tomeet new men.

 

You say your pain is deep..So what can you do make your life better, to experience less pain or even better, no pain? At least for now until you're in a healthy place and ready to fully date and be emotionally stable and accepting to be in a normal loving and honest relationship? Many, including myself, have suggested counseling. Would you consider that?

 

You meet new men but you are letting yourself become wayyyyy too emotionally attached and invested too soon! Addictions do damage, and the continually dating various men IS messing you up.

 

Are you scared to be on your own?

[whichwayisup]

Im trying to stop. Im addicted to online dating. I cannot be the only one?

 

I doubt you're the only one... Question is, what are you going to do to stop? Can you stop, do you want to stop before MORE damage is done to you? Are you willing to seek counseling, fix "you" so you can be in a healthy relationship with a great guy who will love only you and not lie/manipulate/be a cheater?

 

What are you actively doing to try to stop?

[Didn'tKnowIt]

Please don't feed into this OPs story with your own. The OP has been (for years) continually seeking out unavailable men, believing they were her soulmate and savior. Only to be shat upon. Not sure of your story, but am guessing it's not the same. This post isn't about you.

 

I'm not feeding into her story with my own. The MM who lied to me was held accountable for his actions and I've since gotten married.

 

These are general observations.

 

Even if the OP continues to seek out unavailable men, each and every one are responsible and accountable for engaging her. Intentional actions have consequences; even unintentional actions have consequences.

 

It makes no sense to tell the OP that she has to own up to and live with the consequences of her actions while simultaneously claiming that the men who engage her aren't accountable for or don't have to live with the consequences of that choice.

 

She wouldn't have to agonize over whether to contact a MM's wife if she didn't engage him AND if he and various other unavailable men didn't intentionally engage her as well. We're all held accountable for and are responsible for the choices we make. That's life.

[Lurkeraspect]

I'm not feeding into her story with my own. The MM who lied to me was held accountable for his actions and I've since gotten married.

 

These are general observations.

 

Even if the OP continues to seek out unavailable men, each and every one are responsible and accountable for engaging her. Intentional actions have consequences; even unintentional actions have consequences.

 

It makes no sense to tell the OP that she has to own up to and live with the consequences of her actions while simultaneously claiming that the men who engage her aren't accountable for or don't have to live with the consequences of that choice.

 

She wouldn't have to agonize over whether to contact a MM's wife if she didn't engage him AND if he and various other unavailable men didn't intentionally engage her as well. We're all held accountable for and are responsible for the choices we make. That's life.

 

So happy life has worked out in your favor. However, you're doing the OP no favor not reading, understating her post. Again, this isn't about you. Please read objectively.

[so gutted]

I'm not feeding into her story with my own. The MM who lied to me was held accountable for his actions and I've since gotten married.

 

These are general observations.

 

Even if the OP continues to seek out unavailable men, each and every one are responsible and accountable for engaging her. Intentional actions have consequences; even unintentional actions have consequences.

 

It makes no sense to tell the OP that she has to own up to and live with the consequences of her actions while simultaneously claiming that the men who engage her aren't accountable for or don't have to live with the consequences of that choice.

 

She wouldn't have to agonize over whether to contact a MM's wife if she didn't engage him AND if he and various other unavailable men didn't intentionally engage her as well. We're all held accountable for and are responsible for the choices we make. That's life.

 

There is the MM 1 and This latest divorced one who led me on for a month and disappeared. We were supposed to meet on fri but he didnt confirm or cancel, silence since. Im really hurt but also wondering why he did this? Is there A way to find out without looking desperate. He did chase me for a month..

[so gutted]

Do you have close, single, female friends? If not (or they are all men obsessed) focus on that. Rather than searching for a man, search for friends. Have interests & hobbies together. Have fun! Have therapy.

 

Set a timeline. eg No serious dating for 6months - 1 year. You can go to dinner or dancing but NO talk of marriage or long term stuff. NO talking of past pain!! Just fun.

 

I know that you're lonely. I know you want a husband but "Until death us do part" is a bloody long time if you marry the wrong man!!

 

Find female friends & have fun. Find great interests that fill your time (& give you things to talk about) you will find that if your life is FULL, any man that's less than perfect (for you) will be easy to walk away from...because they're stealing time you could be enjoying with your friends!

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with going on lots of dates. Meeting new people can be interesting. EVERY DATE is NOT an AUDITION for a HUSBAND!!

 

I have female friends. I am going out but the hurt is still there...

Most of them are getting married soon.

[Redhead14]

There is the MM 1 and This latest divorced one who led me on for a month and disappeared. We were supposed to meet on fri but he didnt confirm or cancel, silence since. Im really hurt but also wondering why he did this? Is there A way to find out without looking desperate. He did chase me for a month..

 

without looking desperate -- you might be able to do that if YOU WEREN'T ACTUALLY DESPERATE.

 

I'm going to be harsh . . . he disappeared likely because he was sensing your desperation.

[scorpiogirl]

I have female friends. I am going out but the hurt is still there...

Most of them are getting married soon.

 

What hurt???

How can you be hurt by someone you barely know? What's wrong with you? Stop!

You're not hurt. You haven't had a functional relationship probably ever. You don't seem to grow at all. You don't even see how twisted the whole thing is.

[Got it]

OP - the sad thing is you don't even see the red flags when they are in your face. In fact you see the red flags as big old green ones that mean all systems go! A guy who is coming on so hard and fast in such a short amount of time, a month, who is ALREADY talking marriage, should have sent your gut on full alert. That is not NORMAL or healthy. That is a major sign. But you see it as honky dory. That is where you aren't calibrated either.

 

I am sorry but I disagree about any focus on these other guys. They are obviously interchangeable as see in just this thread. It is about them. It is about the OP. She is continuing to repeat the same script time and time again that I would argue most likely goes back to her childhood. She is trying to seek someone's approval and will go through these characters repeating it until things change.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. It doesn't happen.

 

You are broken. You are not healthy. You are emotional sick. I say that not as hit but to try and get you to start to focus on you. You need help. You need extensive help. And you will continue to be unhappy, alone, and empty until you start to learn to take ownership for your life and for your actions and feelings.

[so gutted]

without looking desperate -- you might be able to do that if YOU WEREN'T ACTUALLY DESPERATE.

 

I'm going to be harsh . . . he disappeared likely because he was sensing your desperation.

 

I could not have acted desperate, HE mentioned marriage in the future.,., so HE should explain why he said this more then once...

[georgia girl]

So gutted,

 

I'm going to only say this one time, so please listen carefully. THERE ARE NO (AND I MEAN NO) CONTRACTS IN DATING.

 

What does that mean? That means that he owed you nothing, you owed him nothing and you got yourself attached WAY too fast. You were barely even dating. If he disappears after a month, you weren't the girl for him. That's how the cookie crumbles and genuinely, that's why we all date. It's like trying on shoes. You see them, think they're adorable, put them on and they pinch, or they don't match the outfit just right or the heel is too high and you put them back. Doesn't mean they aren't still adorable, but they're not the ones for you.

 

Please get some girlfriends who don't tell you to just get married. Get some girlfriends who encourage you to explore yourself, have fun, meet interesting people and to show a whole lot more restraint when dating. You meet someone, picture yourself in a white dress and in happily ever after land and it's all over for you. Meanwhile, I gotta think you are scaring the absolute living snot out of these guys.

 

A true friend who talk to you about setting healthy boundaries and expectations around dating. A true friend would slow you down and help you realize that getting a ring isn't the ultimate goal in life.

 

You need to stop dating altogether for awhile. Until you can reset your expectations in a healthy way, you are going to experience the same disappointment over and over again. And I fear that disappointment is just going to get more and more severe. Think about it. You were seeing someone for a month and you're making statements that he's cruel, led you on, owes you an explanation, etc. Why? You dated a month. He doesn't owe you anything.

 

Please get some perspective. This anger and angst doesn't go away on its own. If the only folks around you are the ones who have the same perspective as you, try to find some outside mentor. A woman who has a healthier life outlook. You can't go on this way. Or at least, you can but you certainly won't ever get into a healthy long-term relationship acting this way.

 

Good luck. I feel badly for you.

[Got it]

I could not have acted desperate, HE mentioned marriage in the future.,., so HE should explain why he said this more then once...

 

You were acting desperate for not seeing that a major red flag and instead as this super wonderful thing. How do you not see that?

[Popsicle]

There is the MM 1 and This latest divorced one who led me on for a month and disappeared. We were supposed to meet on fri but he didnt confirm or cancel, silence since. Im really hurt but also wondering why he did this? Is there A way to find out without looking desperate. He did chase me for a month..

 

You should be posting about the new guy in the dating section, because people will mistake him for married when posting in this section. This sounds like a dating issue and over there ghosting happens from time to time and they can talk to you and commiserate with you about it.

[so gutted]

So gutted,

 

I'm going to only say this one time, so please listen carefully. THERE ARE NO (AND I MEAN NO) CONTRACTS IN DATING.

 

What does that mean? That means that he owed you nothing, you owed him nothing and you got yourself attached WAY too fast. You were barely even dating. If he disappears after a month, you weren't the girl for him. That's how the cookie crumbles and genuinely, that's why we all date. It's like trying on shoes. You see them, think they're adorable, put them on and they pinch, or they don't match the outfit just right or the heel is too high and you put them back. Doesn't mean they aren't still adorable, but they're not the ones for you.

 

Please get some girlfriends who don't tell you to just get married. Get some girlfriends who encourage you to explore yourself, have fun, meet interesting people and to show a whole lot more restraint when dating. You meet someone, picture yourself in a white dress and in happily ever after land and it's all over for you. Meanwhile, I gotta think you are scaring the absolute living snot out of these guys.

 

A true friend who talk to you about setting healthy boundaries and expectations around dating. A true friend would slow you down and help you realize that getting a ring isn't the ultimate goal in life.

 

You need to stop dating altogether for awhile. Until you can reset your expectations in a healthy way, you are going to experience the same disappointment over and over again. And I fear that disappointment is just going to get more and more severe. Think about it. You were seeing someone for a month and you're making statements that he's cruel, led you on, owes you an explanation, etc. Why? You dated a month. He doesn't owe you anything.

 

Please get some perspective. This anger and angst doesn't go away on its own. If the only folks around you are the ones who have the same perspective as you, try to find some outside mentor. A woman who has a healthier life outlook. You can't go on this way. Or at least, you can but you certainly won't ever get into a healthy long-term relationship acting this way.

 

Good luck. I feel badly for you.

 

I hear you, but to tell me stop dating means to tell i to not have kids. How can i have kids without a man, dating leads to all of this..,

 

Thats the consquence of what your suggesting..

[anika99]

I hear you, but to tell me stop dating means to tell i to not have kids. How can i have kids without a man, dating leads to all of this..,

 

Thats the consquence of what your suggesting..

 

OMG! Please don't have children until you are healthy enough to choose a suitable partner and father.

 

Did anyone say you should stop dating forever? That you should never be with another man and you should spend the rest of your days on earth alone and lonely? I don't think so. People have said that you should take a break from dating long enough to get your head screwed on straight. Those people, myself included, are talking to a wall.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm sorry, but with this attitude, you're not really in any psychological position to have kids.

Is this what all of this is about?

You MUST find a man, at all costs, and quickly, because you MUST, at all costs, have children?

 

Have you any idea how that sounds....?

[Didn'tKnowIt]

There is the MM 1 and This latest divorced one who led me on for a month and disappeared. We were supposed to meet on fri but he didnt confirm or cancel, silence since. Im really hurt but also wondering why he did this? Is there A way to find out without looking desperate. He did chase me for a month..

 

And this is your problem and one of the things that will drive you to insanity.

 

Does it matter why he did it? The why doesn't matter. All that matters is that he did it. Never ask a person why they did something. It's pointless. You'll never get the real answer or one that is satisfactory. Plus, you are giving away your power to regulate your emotions based on how YOU feel and what YOU think because you are waiting to regulate them based on the reason why someone did what they did to you. Don't give someone that kind of power.

 

All you need to worry about is that he did it and it hurt you. The why is irrelevant. Focus on how it made you feel and stop looking for reasons from him. If someone does something to hurt you, evaluate whether you want to keep exposing yourself to someone who hurts you. It's best to stop exposing yourself to someone who will hurt you.

 

That's easier said than done, but in the long run, do you want to keep hurting or would you rather have peace or limited amount of emotional pain? In most cases, it's best to cut contact and deal with the temporary pain that will bring. As the saying goes: time heals all wounds. You can't heal if you keep exposing yourself to someone who will constantly open up old wounds and inflict fresh ones.

 

The real question is: would you rather have temporary pain that will eventually end or do you want to remain in a perpetual cycle of pain? The choice is completely yours. That's the kind of power you have if you choice to wield it.

[whichwayisup]

I hear you, but to tell me stop dating means to tell i to not have kids. How can i have kids without a man, dating leads to all of this..,

 

Thats the consquence of what your suggesting..

 

Nobody is telling you NOT to date or to marry in the future and have children. Right now you're not emotionally healthy TO be dating. Your man picker is off and you've made some bad choices when it comes to men. Fix you, find you, grow and be strong, be independent, be healthy - Then date.

[autumnnight]

There is the MM 1 and This latest divorced one who led me on for a month and disappeared. We were supposed to meet on fri but he didnt confirm or cancel, silence since. Im really hurt but also wondering why he did this? Is there A way to find out without looking desperate. He did chase me for a month..

 

No, there is not a way to find this out without looking desperate.

 

Why do you feel compelled to control and punish the behavior of everyone around you while refusing to honestly look at your own?