Just found out he deceived me for 2 years

[Got it]

I agree what what you are saying. I am enotionally unavailable and i have no idea why.

 

A good professional can help you discover why. But you have to be open to the process and the feedback.

[eye of the storm]

So Gutted, Just a tip about therapy. Many people go into therapy thinking they know what to do to fix themselves. So when the therapist gives advice or "homework" we tend to blow them off. "that sounds stupid" or "that will never work" or my favorite "I don't see the purpose in that"

 

If you could fix yourself, you would not need therapy.

 

Find a therapist you are comfortable, BE HONEST about yourself, and do your homework.

 

My daughter went to a therapist and all they talked about was her dad. I finally called the therapist and told her than my daughters issues were not her dad. Her issues was how she dealt with stress and conflict. She needed life skills, not to talk about her father. Therapy became much more effective after that. When you go see a therapist, please do not waste time talking about all these men. These men are not your issue. Your issue is you.

 

I wish you luck.

[S2B]

I can't see that he was ever "looking consistent and available" while you were dating him.

 

He raised all kinds of question marks to you - in your head- with disappearing for days and weeks at a time.

 

This is enough for you to have the idea that he wasn't available.

 

 

And so now you know. Just knowing should be enough. You can let it go and move forward...for YOUR happiness!

 

 

Staying upset with him is only handing him all YOUR power.

 

 

Take your power back and know that it's over. This way you can heal and be more open to someone new, someone available!

 

And never ignore the red flags again; they are there to show you caution about what's really going on.

[kendahke]

I have no wish to hurt her but

 

But nothing. If you have no wish to hurt her, then don't hurt her.

 

I am going to tell her if you could provide constructive tips on how i can limit her hurt that would be helpful.

 

Sorry. You need to figure that one out by yourself. You can't limit the hurt because hurt is what you want to do to her. You've made her the enemy; that is evident by how you couldn't stand that she was enjoying her friends and family celebrating her birthday.

 

Im miserable, yes caused by him.

 

Yes i take accountability, but

 

But nothing.

 

You are miserable because of the choices you make--no one forced you into a relationship with someone else's husband. You chose to go there. At any time, you could have said "Hmmm... separated... that means you're not legally free to be with me, so I'm going to put you down and go find someone who is free to be with me..." You chose not to do that. Own that.

 

Also, don't presume that she doesn't know about you. I'll bet money that she knows all about you, if not from him then from that mutual friend you two share. She may not be the withering violet when you show up to hurt her--she may be handing you your behind when she's done with you.

 

Thank her graciously when she does and resolve yourself to leave separated and married men alone in the future.

[so gutted]

I can't see that he was ever "looking consistent and available" while you were dating him.

 

He raised all kinds of question marks to you - in your head- with disappearing for days and weeks at a time.

 

This is enough for you to have the idea that he wasn't available.

 

 

And so now you know. Just knowing should be enough. You can let it go and move forward...for YOUR happiness!

 

 

Staying upset with him is only handing him all YOUR power.

 

 

Take your power back and know that it's over. This way you can heal and be more open to someone new, someone available!

 

And never ignore the red flags again; they are there to show you caution about what's really going on.

 

Noone is understanding that to let this go i need to tell his wife. I feel ashamed. The truth might set us both free.

[Mount]

When you deliberately want to do something, you do not need permission. So many crimes and murders happen everyday, they dont post or ask to get permission first.

 

You keep posting over 9-10 years because you are totally messed up within yourself. No any other people's fault, not any fault from your dating man, nor the fault of their wives. You choose what do do and what life path every day you live, in past 9 years, and same will be next 10 years, and next 20 years, till the END.

 

Noone is understanding that to let this go i need to tell his wife. I feel ashamed. The truth might set us both free.

[eye of the storm]

Noone is understanding that to let this go i need to tell his wife. I feel ashamed. The truth might set us both free.

 

You feel ashamed so you want to carpet bomb her. You have already admitted that this is simple revenge.

 

Walk away.

 

The only reason you are not "free" is because you refuse to let go and move on. The only thing keeping you trapped here is your own desire for punishment.

[Mimolicious]

I haven't been here in years... Hello to the oldies.

 

First thread I see and my head hurts. LOL The inconsistencies are far too many.

 

OTS: Is telling the wife going to make you feel better?

 

Did he lied or you took his situation and fabricated your own alternate reality?

[S2B]

Noone is understanding that to let this go i need to tell his wife. I feel ashamed. The truth might set us both free.

 

Ok then. Also include that you missed YOUR warning signs. That you kept accepting his crumbs that he served up. That you also chased him after promising yourself that you were done with him.

 

 

Allow her to understand how YOU participated.

[autumnnight]

Noone is understanding that to let this go i need to tell his wife. I feel ashamed. The truth might set us both free.

 

No, this is not true. You want to tell the wife because A)you want to stick it to the MM and B) you think she is "smug"

 

You have made yourself the victim when you were a willing participant, and you have a pattern of these relationships.

 

YOU need to fix YOU.

 

How old are you?

[SoulCat]

Noone is understanding that to let this go i need to tell his wife. I feel ashamed. The truth might set us both free.

 

 

I respectfully and sincerely doubt that this is your true motivation for telling her.

 

 

If you feel so ashamed, you would feel empathy towards her, but instead you have only made disparaging comments about her.

 

If you feel ashamed, you would own your part in all this, not hide behind some faceless, anonymous FB account.

 

 

My guess is that, because for whatever reason you can not confront him directly, in person, you want to hurt him through her.

 

And there is absolutely no honour or redemption in that. It's spiteful and incredibly immature.

[cif]

Start and end by apologizing for your participation.

 

If you're going to add dates/times, he will know it's you so might as well include contact info in case she has questions.

 

It's been a while now, why hasn't he contacted you?

[S2B]

Making HER feel badly so that you feel better is not bound to help you.

 

I believe it would serve you to feel better if you contacted HIM directly and gave him some big bits of your truth (a piece of your mind!)

 

Tell him - don't tell her!

 

Allow him to understand perfectly well that you know what a douchebag he really is.

[TunaCat]

Noone is understanding that to let this go i need to tell his wife. I feel ashamed. The truth might set us both free.

 

No you do NOT need to tell his wife. She is the innocent one in all of this. Nope, you're not even innocent because you KNEW he was separated and you still continued a relationship with him.

 

Leave the wife ALONE!

 

Let it go by telling him that you no longer wish to continue this relationship because him being only separated is no longer okay with you (I still don't know why it was ever okay with you in the first place, but okay)

 

Then block his number, his email address & FB.

[so gutted]

No you do NOT need to tell his wife. She is the innocent one in all of this. Nope, you're not even innocent because you KNEW he was separated and you still continued a relationship with him.

 

Leave the wife ALONE!

 

Let it go by telling him that you no longer wish to continue this relationship because him being only separated is no longer okay with you (I still don't know why it was ever okay with you in the first place, but okay)

 

Then block his number, his email address & FB.

 

He has just called me, i didnt take the call. Thats the third missed call, he might have sussed i have seen it. Im confused. I agree about the wife, i have learnt through you all.

[ladydesigner]

Making HER feel badly so that you feel better is not bound to help you.

 

I believe it would serve you to feel better if you contacted HIM directly and gave him some big bits of your truth (a piece of your mind!)

 

Tell him - don't tell her!

 

Allow him to understand perfectly well that you know what a douchebag he really is.

 

This is good ^

[S2B]

He has just called me, i didnt take the call. Thats the third missed call, he might have sussed i have seen it. Im confused. I agree about the wife, i have learnt through you all.

 

He's probably horny. He's gross.

 

Return his call and tell him exactly what a scumbag he is. No holding back!

 

 

And why didn't you answer? YOU have things you need to say!!! Speak your truth by having a voice!

 

Then completely block him!!!

 

 

No agreeing to talk it out or meet him! Nothing after telling him how mad you are that he deceived you and lied the whole time.

 

Call now.

[sandylee1]

Noone is understanding that to let this go i need to tell his wife. I feel ashamed. The truth might set us both free.

 

I understand. He told you he was seperated, but from the video you saw, you believe that was untrue....right?

 

You slept with him.

He took you to his house

He introduced you to some family members...did he introduce you as a GF? If so, then expose him.

 

 

The crux of the matter is you believe you were deceived. True?

 

Follow my suggestion a few pages ago and send her a message via DB. You can create a fake FB profile to do so, that's a common thing that the BWs do when necessary. It's not childish at all.

 

If you don't wish to identify yourself, you can say 'I have some information regarding your husband [insert name ], in relation to an affair that has been going on for X months. Please call me on 1234567890 for further details. If you don't want further information, please call (not text) to confirm receipt of my message so I know it has not been intercepted'

 

I advise you to use another phone /sim card to protect your identity. You can actually reveal all without saying who you are. If you provide specific info , like the house, other personal things you'd only know by being that close him.

 

Feel free to PM me. I was once deceived by a guy like this but he wasn't married, he had a GF. I was super pi***d off for the idiot wasting my time and being a lying rat.

[underpants]

He has just called me, i didnt take the call. Thats the third missed call, he might have sussed i have seen it. Im confused. I agree about the wife, i have learnt through you all.

 

This place is like screaming your most personal problems into the pa system at an airport. You will get a lot of opinions, so use what feels right and try to ignore the rest.

 

Did he leave a message? If not then whatever.

 

In my opinion it is okay to date a separated person. Divorces take time and eventually people do move on, that is human nature. It is not okay to lie to single people about your status and lead them on, or do it and be prepared for what may happen. This guy does not act like someone who is divorcing. So he had to lie to you to attract you.

 

Hell, even formally divorced people start relationships with other people only to break their hearts and return to the ex that made them "miserable". There are no guarantees.

 

Its been about a week since your post so he is probably checking in to make sure you are still naive about things.

 

The whole push/pull, hot/cold play is an actual tactic revered by pick up artists and manipulators as it can spin people into feeling insecure and giving in or putting up with less then they should. For a married person, this is not so much an intentional ploy as more a time management issue, but from your side still very effective. People tend to value what is not readily available.

 

I understand wanting to tell her so that you can let go and stick up for at least yourself in the process. Personally, I think doing it is brave, I've been there and it took courage.

 

I don't understand the beat down you seem to be getting for wanting to let someone know a reality??? I got a whole lot of "you are crazy" posts on my thread as well and while most were cleaned up, it hurt to read. Much of it was other peoples' insecurities and projected pain. I see that now, but when you are in pain it hurts. Again, just rude passengers in the airport of life.

 

Will it hurt her, yes. Do you not let someone know their house is on fire, because that is rude? Even ruder to let them realize you were witness to who started it?

 

You seem like a healthy young woman who casually dates multiple men hoping to find a match that leads to marriage. Some would say that is logically the best way. Although you might want to look into more 'marriage' dating sites if that is your goal. Or ask yourself if that is really what you want for yourself or if this is something you are doing to please your parents. If bearing a child is important, could you do it on your own? Just thoughts for you to ponder.

 

As far as a letter...

 

I would start of by her name,

I am sorry to inform you that his name, has cheated on you.

 

I was under the impression that you two were separated and in route to divorce as this is what was conveyed to me.

 

Communicate how you discovered this was not the case. The video. That you were mortified and decided to let her know the truth so she can make an informed decision about her life. or such.

 

...facts section

Dates, times, you saw each other.

We were together intimately full on x number of times

the name of the movie you saw together, the dates of the father's illness

the name of friends (where you met them), cousins, locations, the house you visited, the phone number he used to contact you with, other contact methods.

Any tattoos, or body things, odd habits, etc...

 

Just the facts...

 

I would leave out the std test thing, but perhaps suggest the ease with which his name was able to do this leads me to believe the has done this before.

 

Give your phone number and suggest she check the phone records to ensure your number and the dates you gave line up.

 

Close it by again apologizing for unknowingly intruding into her life and promise to not intrude again. Then leave and (anonymous) gmail email account that she can follow up with should she have any further questions.

 

you name, and newly created email address.

 

If she responds you can take it from there as to return contact or not. If she ignores, is mean or dismissive, then let it go. If she is kind I would consider talking to her or at least agree to email answers for a limited period.

 

...............

keep logs of dates and times and numbers of all the times this guy will attempt to contact you throughout the process, he will and you should not respond even once. Not even to unknown numbers or texts.

 

Be prepared to change your number when you are done.

 

Finally, be prepared that she may very well stay in her relationship with him. You can only inform with kindness and let it go.

 

Good luck.

[underpants]

I understand. He told you he was seperated, but from the video you saw, you believe that was untrue....right?

 

You slept with him.

He took you to his house

He introduced you to some family members...did he introduce you as a GF? If so, then expose him.

 

 

The crux of the matter is you believe you were deceived. True?

 

Follow my suggestion a few pages ago and send her a message via DB. You can create a fake FB profile to do so, that's a common thing that the BWs do when necessary. It's not childish at all.

 

If you don't wish to identify yourself, you can say 'I have some information regarding your husband [insert name ], in relation to an affair that has been going on for X months. Please call me on 1234567890 for further details. If you don't want further information, please call (not text) to confirm receipt of my message so I know it has not been intercepted'

 

I advise you to use another phone /sim card to protect your identity. You can actually reveal all without saying who you are. If you provide specific info , like the house, other personal things you'd only know by being that close him.

 

Feel free to PM me. I was once deceived by a guy like this but he wasn't married, he had a GF. I was super pi***d off for the idiot wasting my time and being a lying rat.

 

Some good points, but if it was intercepted why wouldn't He call back (even with a woman's voice (sister/friend/hell waitress that has no idea and will do for a big tip) or recording to say no thank you?

 

The lies I saw blew my mind. Too much work, but good to know I guess.

 

Gutted, don't call him back. Don't tip you hand, let him stew and do what you gotta do.

 

Hugs girl, it gets better.

[Mount]

OMG, the whole thread the main point is that he should suffer or any married who happened to have contact with you (I feel sorry for them), that all need suffer, because you are still NOT having a man yet, but they are married and having wives?!

 

Any man smiles or smirks at you, or even did nothing to you , you can still claim they led you on.

 

What kind of logic of this whole thread of post is? Is everyone here trying to use logic to convince OP that never thinks logically or talking in a sense for many decades already.

 

Is everyone wasting time here.

 

Honestly, I bet the OP has no gut doing anything anyway, because for any woman who has a bit brain that wants to do anything, would have done already.

 

You sow what you reap. That is the philosophy of the life. And the age won't be frozen, it will keep getting older each year whilst you or your thoughts have not changed all each year.

 

 

But im not married so why should i suffer?

 

He is in the wrong and needs to at the very least feel uncomfortable and exposed.

 

I also know that he is tax evading. I guess i could shop him in for that and get him that way.

Edited September 12, 2015 by Mount

[underpants]

OMG, the whole thread the main point is that he should suffer or any married who happened to have contact with you (I feel sorry for them), that all need suffer, because you are still NOT having a man yet, but they are married and having wives?!

 

Any man smiles or smirks at you, or even did nothing to you , you can still claim they led you on.

 

What kind of logic of this whole thread of post is? Is everyone here trying to use logic to convince OP that never thinks logically or talking in a sense for many decades already.

 

Is everyone wasting time here.

 

Honestly, I bet the OP has no gut doing anything anyway, because for any woman who has a bit brain that wants to do anything, would have done already.

 

You sow what you reap. That is the philosophy of the life. And the age won't be frozen, it will keep getting older each year whilst you or your thoughts have not changed all each year.

 

Weird. I don't read that.

 

Do you mean "lead you on" by presenting yourself as a separated/divorcing person, taking you on dates and to your house and having sex with you, as "leading you on"?

 

I took about a month before I sent my information. I wanted to be sure I was emotionally removed and doing it for the right reasons. I consulted friends, family and this site. Actually I got bullied here while I waited for my clarity on the timing.

 

I'm curious as to the vitriol exposed?

[Mount]

Come on, no point to debate between you and me, this thread is the most messy and logic clogged one I can see here.

 

Everyone's reply seems to talk to the air anyway. You should take 1 min glancing OP's historical posts from year 2006. And for the basic concept - number wise, when a person was 37 y/o in Year 2013, now in year 2015, the age is not supposed to be < 35. Yes?

 

And no point to the blind leading the blind.

 

Weird. I don't read that.

 

Do you mean "lead you on" by presenting yourself as a separated/divorcing person, taking you on dates and to your house and having sex with you, as "leading you on"?

 

I took about a month before I sent my information. I wanted to be sure I was emotionally removed and doing it for the right reasons. I consulted friends, family and this site. Actually I got bullied here while I waited for my clarity on the timing.

 

I'm curious as to the vitriol exposed?

[S2B]

And I'm left wondering why his call went unanswered.

 

OP, are you always this conflict avoidant?

 

You had a golden opportunity to take his call and team him a new a-hole (deservedly) why didn't you use your voice and answer the call and provide him with honesty about how terrible he has acted?

 

His wife didn't act badly - HE DID! Take out your anger on the right person = him!

[underpants]

lol. She is a person, deserving of respect. She is contemplating a huge conflict that she could walk away from, but feel bad about, its bugging her, thus the tread. That is not avoidance, that is critical thinking. 'How to do it right'.

 

Recognizing someone as a predator and not wishing to speak with them again is not conflict avoid ant. Telling there other victims is proactive.

 

smh...