Just found out he deceived me for 2 years

[so gutted]

Hey Gutted,

 

Its been a week, how are you holding up?

 

I hope you have remained no contact with this guy.

 

If you are still planning on informing you should note the date of the last time you two communicated as well as his failed attempts to contact you.

 

You may want to include a statement that you wish to have no further contact with him, and mean it. Become a ghost.

 

She will not want to believe it, she will want to verify as much as she can, and he will lie. That is why it is important to include details and to be truthful.

 

In my case he attempted to contact me after I exposed (stupid), and I just forwarded the messages to her until I finally just changed my number, (I let her know this) and let the whole thing go.

 

As you gain distance through time you will gain perspective.

 

Hang in there.

 

Thanks for asking.

 

I have not sent it. Its written out and ready but i am not feeling comfortable with telling her yet.

 

I did not return the call. Im 50/50 at the moment.

 

I will think about it a bit longer due to the consquences on her and me. I do not want to be looking over my shoulder or waiting for him or her to react.

 

The thing is its making me bitter and now i doubt all men, not good. A close friend said i am crowded with negativity, i dont want to be like this.

 

This has not gone away. I feel traumatised.

[so gutted]

I occasionally torture myself with thoughts of telling his wife, even though it's been some time since I left the married man. Looking back, in the early days when I first found out the guy was married, I wanted to tell her because I felt resentment towards her.

 

These days when I think about telling her, it's coming from a place where I want revenge on this man for screwing with my life.

 

Neither are good places to be.

 

So I've decided that I won't tell her. She's the innocent party in all of this. And...I guess I've convinced myself that he'll eventually mess up and get found out as I am sure he's seeing someone else. That's the type of man he is.

 

I hope you can find happiness x

 

It just seems unfair that these men can cause so much damage and get the benefits and walk away guiltfree.

[CarrieT]

It just seems unfair that these men can cause so much damage and get the benefits and walk away guiltfree.

 

A) People who deceive often don't know the damage they are causing - so you are projecting.

 

B) You are also projecting their "benefits." Since you are not inside their brain and their life, you are supposing what their life to be and the "benefits" you assume they are receiving. Since you haven't confronted him on the subject, you really Do Not Know.

 

C) They may have nothing to feel guilty about so - again - you are assuming and projecting.

 

 

Don't you see how twisted you have made all this?

[SoulCat]

It just seems unfair that these men can cause so much damage and get the benefits and walk away guiltfree.

 

You let them cause damage. There were huge red flags early on that you chose to ignore. You should have walked away at the first sign of trouble, but you didn't. Own that.

 

 

You really ought to examine why you keep finding yourself in these type of situations. It's not healthy. And it won't make for a stable, healthy long term relationship.

 

 

I'd urge you to take up counselling again.

[underpants]

Thanks for asking.

 

I have not sent it. Its written out and ready but i am not feeling comfortable with telling her yet.

 

I did not return the call. Im 50/50 at the moment.

 

I will think about it a bit longer due to the consequences on her and me. I do not want to be looking over my shoulder or waiting for him or her to react.

 

The thing is its making me bitter and now i doubt all men, not good. A close friend said i am crowded with negativity, i dont want to be like this.

 

This has not gone away. I feel traumatised.

 

Sorry to hear you are down. I understand.

 

I wouldn't return his call. If it is so important he would leave a message. Wth, talk about a breadcrumb. Document the date/time and number of the attempts but don't give in and contact.

 

It took me about a month to go through with sending my letter. Its one thing to tell someone you slept with their partner last week, and another to say 'here is what happened and you should know'. So take some time.

 

In my situation I closed my letter by saying that 'I had been cheated on in the past and one thing that hurt was 'friends' who knew that said nothing, so I'm letting you know.' That I never wanted to speak to or see Mr. Liar again and that whatever she chose to do with the information was up to her.

 

I did a lot of walking. The exercise was a great way to clear my head and just focus on the next step. Gosh, some days I walked over 12 miles.

 

Hey, at least you are not the one married to this guy, right... I know that kind of sucks to hear, but he really is not that great. 3 kids, ahhh no.

 

In my process, I worried that he would try to contact me again (and he did) and that is what provoked me to send the letter. I worried she would find out eventually (find some evidence down the road), or with another contact attempt, and he would be able to spin things however suited him.

 

I was 'looking over my shoulder' regardless. It is a crap situation. So I put myself in front of it and navigated myself out of the entire mess as best that I could.

 

Saying that I would weigh how things could play out against you. I'm not sure of any laws where you are so you should look at that. In my case there was a surge of anxiety (fear of blow back) and sweet vindication but that faded as the days turned into weeks after the disclosure. All that is gone and I think I did the right thing in my case. I'm sure he is still a user, but he will think twice before screwing with single ladies or he won't, whatever.

 

Good luck to you, although, even though it doesn't feel like it, you are the lucky one here. You are free.

 

Go outside and celebrate your awesomeness.

[MJJean]

I don't see it that way given her history.

 

 

There were so many signs that he was absent and still very much married; yet she overlooked them because she wanted him. She may still want him now.

Signs like he TOLD her he is married and NOT getting a divorce?

 

Look, Gutted, I've been married and was both WW and BW. Believe me, I am not judging.

 

The reality is that you were friends with and then had sex with a married man. Period. You knew he was married. And you knew he wasn't divorcing. You aren't a victim here. Nor are you innocent.

 

It's one thing to start something with a MM who has filed divorce and is just waiting on the court date. Quite another to mess around with a MM who has stated he won't be divorcing at all.

 

Send the message to the wife. A simple message letting her know he had a friendship with you and then it became physical, you thought he was separated, saw the video and realized he lied, apologize, and sign off. At that point, gathering evidence and deciding what to do is on her.

[so gutted]

Signs like he TOLD her he is married and NOT getting a divorce?

 

Look, Gutted, I've been married and was both WW and BW. Believe me, I am not judging.

 

The reality is that you were friends with and then had sex with a married man. Period. You knew he was married. And you knew he wasn't divorcing. You aren't a victim here. Nor are you innocent.

 

It's one thing to start something with a MM who has filed divorce and is just waiting on the court date. Quite another to mess around with a MM who has stated he won't be divorcing at all.

 

Send the message to the wife. A simple message letting her know he had a friendship with you and then it became physical, you thought he was separated, saw the video and realized he lied, apologize, and sign off. At that point, gathering evidence and deciding what to do is on her.

 

I did not say that he wasnt getting a divorce. He said he was seperated and wants her to move on at some point. He said he had the kids because he could give them a better life. That was on day 1. After the relationship changed i asked again about the wife.

 

He said they were not together. He spends a lot of time with friends, travelling for work or on holiday with men. I had no reason to doubt his seperation until the video.

[so gutted]

You did have other reasons to doubt him, look at your threads.

 

You questioned many things he was doing/not doing.

 

He disappeared all the time. You wanted to end it, but didn't.

 

These ARE red flags. Do you not even see them now, after the fact?

 

Yes, i do BUT i did ask him. He lied. Short of asking him what could i do?

[so gutted]

You need to learn to listen to your intuition.

 

It was kicking you that whole time, yet you ignored it.

 

True, i should have been brave.

[CarrieT]

True, i should have been brave.

 

Huh? What is so "brave" about staying away from a man who is married?

 

I'm seriously trying to understand your way of thinking...

[so gutted]

Huh? What is so "brave" about staying away from a man who is married?

 

I'm seriously trying to understand your way of thinking...

 

Its brave to walk away and be alone.

[sandylee1]

Thanks - im sorry for your pain.

 

No worries. That was over 20 years ago . I'm married with kids now.

[Didn'tKnowIt]

But im not married so why should i suffer?

 

He is in the wrong and needs to at the very least feel uncomfortable and exposed.

 

I also know that he is tax evading. I guess i could shop him in for that and get him that way.

 

This is why the "if he says he's separated, he's married!!!" mantra doesn't capture the whole picture.

 

Bc of the field I work in, I know exactly why someone's relationship can be long over, yet they refuse to divorce. It's because they receive favorable tax treatment for being married. The men and women who do this will play nice with their spouse so that he or she does not go through with the divorce. They don't want to enter into another marriage, yet they don't want to lose favorable tax treatment or they don't want to pay CS or alimony.

 

What I see the most is men who actually DO consider the OW number one, but do not want to tell their wives about her. Bc what incentive does the spouse have to forego divorce when the other spouse has moved on with another person? THIS is why the OM/OW remains hidden from the spouse and why family and friends pretend as if everything is normal. Family and friends know their marriage is long over and they see nothing wrong with what the spouse is doing. Moreover, the other spouse usually has very little contact with family and friends or family and friends keep the OM/OW secret so as not to mess up the financial arrangement of the cheating spouse.

 

This happens way more often than what people believe.

 

One of the things that has stopped me from creating an account on this board is that a lot of people seem to let their emotions cloud reason. I understand that, bc a lot of people have been hurt and want to lash out at both people involved in an affair.

 

Also, I think that a lot of boards give horrible advice and I'm not saying that this one does.

 

The brief version of my own story:

 

MM and I are professionals who work crazy hours. Didn't know he was married. And why didn't I know that? His main house, wife, and kids are out in the suburbs and he keeps a separate apartment in the city when it's too late to drive to the suburbs. It was beautifully furnished, had pictures of his family (obviously not his wife) all over, his friends would come over for dinner with us, and I left my items all over the apartment. There was no indication that this was a second home.

 

It's easy to live a double life when you work a job that is extremely demanding. Your spouse and your mistress have no reason to suspect anything. When you are on a company phone 24/7 with clients at all hours of day or night, when all of your electronics that hold data have to be locked at all times to protect client data, it's hard to be suspicious of locked devices and calls at 3AM.

 

A year in, I end up pregnant and he actually proposed and we were scheduled to go overseas to meet his parents and the rest of his family. This is how duplicitous he was. Two weeks after the proposal, he serves his wife and that's when I find out about her. After he fully admitted to her all of the lies he had been telling and the double life he had been leading, she still comes after me full force. Called my clients, stormed my place of employment, left letters on my neighbor's doors calling me all kinds of vile names, you name it. He wasn't subject to this same treatment. She wanted to "save" their marriage.

 

In the end, I completely cut him out of my life and filed for child support. She was too busy terrorizing me to make sure her own affairs were in order. They divorced anyway a few years later. In the meantime, I went to mediation with him and we came up with a legally binding agreement for support of my child and not only was his income taken into consideration, so were his assets that she had no legal claim to. While she was terrorizing me and trying to save things with him, I hired a good attorney and got first dibs on everything. Had she been smart, she could have beat me to it by filing for divorce and going to mediation to get things settled for herself and her kids. I found out that she got a lot of the advice regarding what she did to me from a forum, which is how I started reading forums like these. I printed out a list of "suggestions" I found on an infidelity board and showed it to my attorneys. They couldn't believe that people actually took it and acted on it. So much of the advice I read on infidelity boards will lead to horrible legal consequences. MM ex wife found that out when she was hit with a restraining order for stalking and harassment and it didn't take much for the judge convert the order from preliminary to permanent considering the flyers, her visits to my job, and her calls and emails to some of my clients.

 

One of the things that is really irritating about infidelity boards is that a person will post their experience and others will come in looking for a way to prove the person is lying or living in a fantasy. Remember, truth is stranger than fiction, and when someone is leading a double life, these are the kinds of strange truths they create.

 

As a last note, IMO, no one is to blame for an affair but the married spouse participating in it! I don't care if the OW/OM actually knew about the spouse. The only person responsible for protecting a marriage and honoring its vows is the person who took the vows and entered into a marriage. If a spouse is going to cheat, they will cheat. The OW/OM is not to be blamed for that. I hate when I read "you helped him/her cheat". No. If it wasn't that man or woman, your spouse will cheat with another man or woman. People can't expect the entire world to protect their marriage. It's up to the people who entered into it to protect it. Furthermore, leave morality out of it. Some people do not feel morally obligated to keep away from married people and in some societies, infidelity is accepted and almost expected. This is the very reason why it will always be the spouse's sole responsibility to protect his or her marriage.

Edited September 18, 2015 by Didn'tKnowIt

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for asking.

 

I have not sent it. Its written out and ready but i am not feeling comfortable with telling her yet.

 

I did not return the call. Im 50/50 at the moment.

 

I will think about it a bit longer due to the consquences on her and me. I do not want to be looking over my shoulder or waiting for him or her to react.

 

The thing is its making me bitter and now i doubt all men, not good. A close friend said i am crowded with negativity, i dont want to be like this.

 

This has not gone away. I feel traumatised.

 

Maybe it's time for counseling. Your past and this situation has put you through the wringer and you seem quite emotional and invested.

 

Just keep in mind if you tell her, you'll have to talk to her more and deal with lots of drama, as well as giving his friends and other family members who met you crap about hiding the fact he is still very married. This is big and you may not be ready to handle it all. Talk it out with a therapist, they will help you make a decision to either tell her or walk away.

[so gutted]

This is why the "if he says he's separated, he's married!!!" mantra doesn't capture the whole picture.

 

Bc of the field I work in, I know exactly why someone's relationship can be long over, yet they refuse to divorce. It's because they receive favorable tax treatment for being married. The men and women who do this will play nice with their spouse so that he or she does not go through with the divorce. They don't want to enter into another marriage, yet they don't want to lose favorable tax treatment or they don't want to pay CS or alimony.

 

What I see the most is men who actually DO consider the OW number one, but do not want to tell their wives about her. Bc what incentive does the spouse have to forego divorce when the other spouse has moved on with another person? THIS is why the OM/OW remains hidden from the spouse and why family and friends pretend as if everything is normal. Family and friends know their marriage is long over and they see nothing wrong with what the spouse is doing. Moreover, the other spouse usually has very little contact with family and friends or family and friends keep the OM/OW secret so as not to mess up the financial arrangement of the cheating spouse.

 

This happens way more often than what people believe.

 

One of the things that has stopped me from creating an account on this board is that a lot of people seem to let their emotions cloud reason. I understand that, bc a lot of people have been hurt and want to lash out at both people involved in an affair.

 

Also, I think that a lot of boards give horrible advice and I'm not saying that this one does.

 

The brief version of my own story:

 

MM and I are professionals who work crazy hours. Didn't know he was married. And why didn't I know that? His main house, wife, and kids are out in the suburbs and he keeps a separate apartment in the city when it's too late to drive to the suburbs. It was beautifully furnished, had pictures of his family (obviously not his wife) all over, his friends would come over for dinner with us, and I left my items all over the apartment. There was no indication that this was a second home.

 

It's easy to live a double life when you work a job that is extremely demanding. Your spouse and your mistress have no reason to suspect anything. When you are on a company phone 24/7 with clients at all hours of day or night, when all of your electronics that hold data have to be locked at all times to protect client data, it's hard to be suspicious of locked devices and calls at 3AM.

 

A year in, I end up pregnant and he actually proposed and we were scheduled to go overseas to meet his parents and the rest of his family. This is how duplicitous he was. Two weeks after the proposal, he serves his wife and that's when I find out about her. After he fully admitted to her all of the lies he had been telling and the double life he had been leading, she still comes after me full force. Called my clients, stormed my place of employment, left letters on my neighbor's doors calling me all kinds of vile names, you name it. He wasn't subject to this same treatment. She wanted to "save" their marriage.

 

In the end, I completely cut him out of my life and filed for child support. She was too busy terrorizing me to make sure her own affairs were in order. They divorced anyway a few years later. In the meantime, I went to mediation with him and we came up with a legally binding agreement for support of my child and not only was his income taken into consideration, so were his assets that she had no legal claim to. While she was terrorizing me and trying to save things with him, I hired a good attorney and got first dibs on everything. Had she been smart, she could have beat me to it by filing for divorce and going to mediation to get things settled for herself and her kids. I found out that she got a lot of the advice regarding what she did to me from a forum, which is how I started reading forums like these. I printed out a list of "suggestions" I found on an infidelity board and showed it to my attorneys. They couldn't believe that people actually took it and acted on it. So much of the advice I read on infidelity boards will lead to horrible legal consequences. MM ex wife found that out when she was hit with a restraining order for stalking and harassment and it didn't take much for the judge convert the order from preliminary to permanent considering the flyers, her visits to my job, and her calls and emails to some of my clients.

 

One of the things that is really irritating about infidelity boards is that a person will post their experience and others will come in looking for a way to prove the person is lying or living in a fantasy. Remember, truth is stranger than fiction, and when someone is leading a double life, these are the kinds of strange truths they create.

 

As a last note, IMO, no one is to blame for an affair but the married spouse participating in it! I don't care if the OW/OM actually knew about the spouse. The only person responsible for protecting a marriage and honoring its vows is the person who took the vows and entered into a marriage. If a spouse is going to cheat, they will cheat. The OW/OM is not to be blamed for that. I hate when I read "you helped him/her cheat". No. If it wasn't that man or woman, your spouse will cheat with another man or woman. People can't expect the entire world to protect their marriage. It's up to the people who entered into it to protect it. Furthermore, leave morality out of it. Some people do not feel morally obligated to keep away from married people and in some societies, infidelity is accepted and almost expected. This is the very reason why it will always be the spouse's sole responsibility to protect his or her marriage.

 

Wow what a creep! This just shows that the wife will most likelt blame the other woman, not her husband. In this scenario, he has assets and wants to see his kids so this situation works. I have not told her yet or stalked her fb profile etc. i am trying to take a step back and exit this negativity.

 

Its hard.

 

Sorry for what you went through, i hopw your kid is ok and away from that creep!

[so gutted]

Maybe it's time for counseling. Your past and this situation has put you through the wringer and you seem quite emotional and invested.

 

Just keep in mind if you tell her, you'll have to talk to her more and deal with lots of drama, as well as giving his friends and other family members who met you crap about hiding the fact he is still very married. This is big and you may not be ready to handle it all. Talk it out with a therapist, they will help you make a decision to either tell her or walk away.

 

Thanks - im leaning towards not telling her for my own sanity. So the advice here has helped a lot. I just want to leave it behind and tru to learn from it. The flags were there and i ignored them like those silly women you see on tv etc. i was blindly looking for attention.

[so gutted]

Maybe it's time for counseling. Your past and this situation has put you through the wringer and you seem quite emotional and invested.

 

Just keep in mind if you tell her, you'll have to talk to her more and deal with lots of drama, as well as giving his friends and other family members who met you crap about hiding the fact he is still very married. This is big and you may not be ready to handle it all. Talk it out with a therapist, they will help you make a decision to either tell her or walk away.

 

I believe in karma and hopd that he will get his.

[Summer Breeze]

I really feel for you. I have been in a similar situation before. I hope you tell his wife - the rotten cheat should be exposed - you did nothing wrong so why should you be worried about anything?

 

Although a man that is able to cheat and lie to both you and his wife will also lie about you to cover his ass. The scum that I got involved with told his partner that I was crazy.........etc.

 

It is not your fault that you were lied to and cheated on. That he put your life at risk by cheating on you with another woman - how were you supposed to know he had a wife?

 

He should be exposed completely - all cheating liars should be exposed for what they do.

 

He can cheat and lie to his W but if he does it again, which he probably will, then at least she's armed with history even if she didn't believe it at the time. I would do nothing to make him comfortable or like he got away with something.

[so gutted]

He can cheat and lie to his W but if he does it again, which he probably will, then at least she's armed with history even if she didn't believe it at the time. I would do nothing to make him comfortable or like he got away with something.

 

Telling her means opening myself up to a whole new episode of proving it to her..

[underpants]

I believe in karma and hopd that he will get his.

 

He won't.

 

He got away with it.

 

He will do it again. I guess a less direct way would be to tell her anon, and she will one day (another dday) wonder about that anon contact and count the 'wasted' days/weeks/months/years she was in the dark.

 

Or it could provoke her to start her own internal investigation?

 

Throw her a bone gutted. There has to be a way.

 

You are out of it, and good for you.

 

Try, you were given this experience for a reason.

[so gutted]

He won't.

 

He got away with it.

 

He will do it again. I guess a less direct way would be to tell her anon, and she will one day (another dday) wonder about that anon contact and count the 'wasted' days/weeks/months/years she was in the dark.

 

Or it could provoke her to start her own internal investigation?

 

Throw her a bone gutted. There has to be a way.

 

You are out of it, and good for you.

 

Try, you were given this experience for a reason.

 

I will do on an anon basis, can my ip address be traced?

[CarrieT]

I will do on an anon basis, can my ip address be traced?

 

Yep, by someone who knows how - everything is traceable.

[so gutted]

Yep, by someone who knows how - everything is traceable.

 

Thats my worry.

[eye of the storm]

The second you rat him out, he will rat you out. She will have all your contact information. He will run the bus over you get out and show her how to back it up to hit you again.

 

If you are going to do it, own it.

 

Have a professional NSA level agency hide your IP. Not going to matter.

 

Mail her a letter, don't sign it, mail it 3 towns away. Not going to matter.

 

Buy a burner phone, text her, then pop the battery and throw it away. Not going to matter.

 

Wear a mask, give a homeless guy $20 to deliver her a note you typed on a typewriter you bought at goodwill. Not going to matter.

 

Why won't it matter? Because she will head to him breathing fire and he will say "its So-gutted, here is her number, she works at ABC company from 9-5, her work number is, her boss's name is, her FB user name is, her email address is [email protected]......" (names, companies, work hours, and email addresses are all made up)

 

Tell her, don't tell her. It is up to you. But, don't think for 1 second you can do it and walk away with no blowback. If she wants to know who you are, she will. If you want to tell, then call her up, say what you have to say, and own what you were involved with.

 

Why is taking personal responsibility such a horrible thing these days?

[purdyPeas]

Because:

 

1) he is untrustworthy

2) he sees prostitutes

3) he cheats on his wife

4) i was dating others so indirectly i knew it would not work

5) pride

6) fear of his indifference

7) the video said it all. Her proudness when she called him her husband.

 

I'm not finding the specific post in this really super long thread that indicates anything else besides him attending her B-day in a video that he was dishonest. I'm just going to assume he was then to you, op....

 

So then the crux of this entire thread is betrayal? It is a hurtful pill to swallow for anyone experiencing it.

 

So you are waffling on revenge? Will that not make you feel even more guilty afterwards? The wife really is innocent, if not, that she already knows as you do that he sees prostitutes, perhaps she would consider you equivalent to that?

 

He seems to have a morality problem here in that alone. Perhaps this is why she has a separate home?

 

Doubtful sending a lifelike blowup doll in your likeness anonymously to her house indicating how much he must miss you will have any effect on her either.

 

She probably knows and had enough and posted the video to stick it to you.

 

Let it go and learn from your mistake of "separated" men.

 

I'm sorry you were betrayed.

 

Also if she didn't know about you, I'm not so sure I would want to be looking over my shoulder for a stalker for months with a shotgun at my head....

Edited September 24, 2015 by purdyPeas