Just found out he deceived me for 2 years

[ladydesigner]

Why is taking personal responsibility such a horrible thing these days?

 

Right?! I think there should be a thread on this!

[so gutted]

Right?! I think there should be a thread on this!

 

I have gotmyself into another mess.

 

To "get over" this i have met another guy. He is divorced but its all very raw.

 

I have seen him a lot over the past month.

 

He has now gone quiet. A few days ago he said he sees a future together with me as his wife. Communicationhas sloweds down.

 

It was his birthday yesterday and he seemed very down, he said he missed his family (he was seperated for 2 years and now recently divorced).

 

He has not spoken tome since.

 

I find it really disappointing that he has spoke of marriage, led me on and now disappeared.

 

I feel broken.

 

A very stupid mistake.

[eye of the storm]

So-gutted. I am sorry.

 

You are not alone. Many people have "bad pickers". I work with a great guy who is going thru his 6th divorce. He was talking to me about it and I told him the only constant in all his marriages was him. He kept picking the same type of women. Each and every time the marriage failed.

 

I'll tell you what I tell him. Take some time. Go and talk to someone about why you keep repeating behaviors. Do not be so afraid to be alone that you continue this heartbreaking cycle.

 

The old saying "the best way to get over a man is to get under another one" has done a lot of damage. You need to heal.

[so gutted]

So-gutted. I am sorry.

 

You are not alone. Many people have "bad pickers". I work with a great guy who is going thru his 6th divorce. He was talking to me about it and I told him the only constant in all his marriages was him. He kept picking the same type of women. Each and every time the marriage failed.

 

I'll tell you what I tell him. Take some time. Go and talk to someone about why you keep repeating behaviors. Do not be so afraid to be alone that you continue this heartbreaking cycle.

 

The old saying "the best way to get over a man is to get under another one" has done a lot of damage. You need to heal.

 

Thanks. I am aware of this, but its likely men my age are going to be divorced.

 

Again, i have hinted that no less contact is not acceptable, but he has carried on.

 

Im hurt deeply because he let things go on for a month ( did not push for anything physical) introduced me to his children and cooked dinner for me at home. Now, he has gone quiet.

 

When i did call him re hisbirthday he seemed sad and irritated by me.

 

How can i hold him accountable? This is cruel.

[whatatangledweb]

So Gutted, you seem to expect relationships to move very fast. That is not the norm. He may have said that about marriage without really thinking. What are you wanting to hold him accountable for? That he was down on his birthday? You need to stop being so demanding in a new relationship, it turns people off. He is feeling sad after divorcing. Many of us feel that way even when we wanted the divorce. Slow down your expectations.

[so gutted]

So Gutted, you seem to expect relationships to move very fast. That is not the norm. He may have said that about marriage without really thinking. What are you wanting to hold him accountable for? That he was down on his birthday? You need to stop being so demanding in a new relationship, it turns people off. He is feeling sad after divorcing. Many of us feel that way even when we wanted the divorce. Slow down your expectations.

 

The woman he was accused of having an affair with is back in his life. He openly tells me how he is trying to get rid of her yet they attend the fitness centre together. Its cruel.

 

I saw some texts from his wife accusing him of being unfaithful.

 

His wife left him and kids and is going mad. He is doing the sameto me. Why mention another woman? Is he being honest or playing around?

[CarrieT]

You saw recent texts? Are you still in contact with him since you began this thread?

[Got it]

All, I thinks she is describing ANOTHER guy. Sigh.

 

So gutted, get therapy. NOW. Stop dating. I am saying this as kindly as possible, you are not relationship material right now. You have issues you need to work through. If not you will continue to repeat this for the rest of your life.

[so gutted]

You saw recent texts? Are you still in contact with him since you began this thread?

 

his wife has taken drugs because of this.

 

She lives alone now.

 

They had a long marriage. I think the texts were about the past.

 

I last spoketo him yesterday to say happy birthday and he sounded down.

 

We were supposed to meet today and he hasnt confirmed. He also said he would call me back testerday and he didnt.

 

He has really ledme on. Why mention marriage earlier in the week???

[so gutted]

All, I thinks she is describing ANOTHER guy. Sigh.

 

So gutted, get therapy. NOW. Stop dating. I am saying this as kindly as possible, you are not relationship material right now. You have issues you need to work through. If not you will continue to repeat this for the rest of your life.

 

Yes another guy.

 

Stopdating and do what??? Most of my friends are married, im lonely!

[so gutted]

You saw recent texts? Are you still in contact with him since you began this thread?

 

This is another guy

[eye of the storm]

So_gutted. I know it is tough when all/most of your friends are married. Trust me, I can relate.

 

But you keep going to the store and coming home with rotten produce. Or you may occasionally get a good apple but you are so used to the fruit being rotten you mishandle it. Whichever it is, the only person you can work on is you. And that is what you need to do.

 

You ask questions like how to hold someone accountable. You say you read their texts. This is a guy you started dating a month ago. He started talking marriage after a couple of weeks?! This guy has issues. Nobody should be talking marriage within the first month.

 

Honey please, for your own sake. Stop dating and find someone professional to talk to.

[Redhead14]

Yes another guy.

 

Stopdating and do what??? Most of my friends are married, im lonely!

 

Stop dating and get your head on straight. Allow yourself to process and get over the first guy in this thread. Get centered and focused on your life and being able to support your own needs for a happy, emotionally healthy life as an independent, secure woman.

 

I never liked the statement that Tom Cruise made in Jerry McGuire -- "You complete me" . . . it implies that he was not a whole person to start with. A better statement would be "you supplement my life".

 

A woman should be happy with herself and her life in and of it's own. A man should only enhance the happiness a woman already has, not bring all of it to her.

 

Desperation and neediness come across in strange ways.

 

Most of my friends are married -- So, what?

[so gutted]

So_gutted. I know it is tough when all/most of your friends are married. Trust me, I can relate.

 

But you keep going to the store and coming home with rotten produce. Or you may occasionally get a good apple but you are so used to the fruit being rotten you mishandle it. Whichever it is, the only person you can work on is you. And that is what you need to do.

 

You ask questions like how to hold someone accountable. You say you read their texts. This is a guy you started dating a month ago. He started talking marriage after a couple of weeks?! This guy has issues. Nobody should be talking marriage within the first month.

 

Honey please, for your own sake. Stop dating and find someone professional to talk to.

 

I thought he was agood apple. Dont i deserve an explanation?

[eye of the storm]

If we all got what we deserved....we would be in for a world of hurt.

 

No, you don't deserve an explanation. It would be nice of him to explain. But it is not a requirement.

 

You two were only dating a month. That is barely into the "lets be exclusive" territory.

 

You thought he was a good apple. But the fact that he was moving so freaking fast tells you that he has issues. The fact that you were willing to discuss marriage so quickly says that you have issues.

 

Is he gone for good? Who knows. But you need to stop fixating constantly on men and start fixing you.

[TexasMan68]

You walked into this by dating a seperated man, uh that means he's still married last time I checked. That also should have told you that he's off limits until he gets a divorce and its finalized. Yes it sucks he lied. The only outcome to telling the world about it is pain to the people in this situation that are truly innocent and that is his wife and kids. You had an affair with a sperated but married man so sorry that does not make you innocent...just pissed that you got lied to by this trash. Pick yourself up, put away your pride and move on. Don't give him the time of day if he tries to contact you in the future.

[so gutted]

If we all got what we deserved....we would be in for a world of hurt.

 

No, you don't deserve an explanation. It would be nice of him to explain. But it is not a requirement.

 

You two were only dating a month. That is barely into the "lets be exclusive" territory.

 

You thought he was a good apple. But the fact that he was moving so freaking fast tells you that he has issues. The fact that you were willing to discuss marriage so quickly says that you have issues.

 

Is he gone for good? Who knows. But you need to stop fixating constantly on men and start fixing you.

 

Disappearing without saying anything (after speaking everyday for a month) is rude.

[Lurkeraspect]

Disappearing without saying anything (after speaking everyday for a month) is rude.

 

You know what? It is rude. But...You're continually picking unavailable men to start relationships with, that's on you. You truly need therapy do figure out your desperation and why you pick broken men in the first place.

[Mount]

Gzzz.. you have been lonely since year 2006, so what, you keep going this way, you are going to be LONELY another 10 and 20 and 30 years....

 

No man wants a desperate woman behaving like you....have some class please. DO NOT ACT so desperately.

 

 

 

Yes another guy.

 

Stopdating and do what??? Most of my friends are married, im lonely!

[Got it]

Yes another guy.

 

Stopdating and do what??? Most of my friends are married, im lonely!

 

Dating isn't making you less lonely is it? You are lonely because you are not happy with yourself, your choices, and your much deeper issues. A man isn't going to fix that.

 

So yes stop and be alone and get therapy. Get some other friends. A hobby. Something. Not looking for a man to fill this void.

[SoulCat]

Geez lady, slow the f**k down!!

 

It was only a fortnight ago that you were 'deeply hurt' and in complete turmoil over the previous guy, and now you've latched onto yet another man as if you are drowning and he's a lifeboat.

 

If you are always this intense and invested in someone you barley know, someone who - at our age - comes with baggage, it's no wonder they run for the hills. It's way too much, way too soon.

Stop talking marriage so early on, it's more than often just fantasy. Or to get into your pants.

 

Your desperation is palpable and they pick up on it.

Then they either use you for sex, or they make a run for it. Or both.

 

 

Please So Gutted, take a break from all this dating madness. It's not doing you any favours whatsoever.

 

Figure out, with help of a therapist, why you keep finding yourself in the exact same situation. Work on making yourself whole, complete and healthy before you embark on any more of these 'relationships'.

[so gutted]

Geez lady, slow the f**k down!!

 

It was only a fortnight ago that you were 'deeply hurt' and in complete turmoil over the previous guy, and now you've latched onto yet another man as if you are drowning and he's a lifeboat.

 

If you are always this intense and invested in someone you barley know, someone who - at our age - comes with baggage, it's no wonder they run for the hills. It's way too much, way too soon.

Stop talking marriage so early on, it's more than often just fantasy. Or to get into your pants.

 

Your desperation is palpable and they pick up on it.

Then they either use you for sex, or they make a run for it. Or both.

 

 

Please So Gutted, take a break from all this dating madness. It's not doing you any favours whatsoever.

 

Figure out, with help of a therapist, why you keep finding yourself in the exact same situation. Work on making yourself whole, complete and healthy before you embark on any more of these 'relationships'.

 

This is it he hasnt asked for sex, treated me well and talked marriage himself. No hint from me.

[SoulCat]

This is it he hasnt asked for sex, treated me well and talked marriage himself. No hint from me.

 

 

It doesn't matter who brings it up. It is way too soon. Too soon to attach any meaning or significance to it. You do not know this man. His emotional state, the extent of his baggage.

 

 

Stop latching on to it.

Just. stop.

[eye of the storm]

This is it he hasnt asked for sex, treated me well and talked marriage himself. No hint from me.

 

Head banging on desk. Everything you post about is them. Stop focusing on them. Jimminy crickets. You are unwilling to see what anyone on this page is telling you. It is all them.

 

Fine, continue doing what you are doing. Continue to post about what they are doing/saying. And continue to be lonely. Or change something. YOU.

 

Out

[SoulCat]

Head banging on desk. Everything you post about is them. Stop focusing on them. Jimminy crickets. You are unwilling to see what anyone on this page is telling you. It is all them.

 

Fine, continue doing what you are doing. Continue to post about what they are doing/saying. And continue to be lonely. Or change something. YOU.

 

Out

 

 

I can only agree with this. Yet again you choose to focus on what he does/doesn't do/says/doesn't say.

You never choose to focus on your part in all this, nevermind take ownership.

 

 

As long as you keep painting yourself as a victim of all these 'rude, evil, horrible' men you will never learn, or grow.