Just found out he deceived me for 2 years

[so gutted]

I can only agree with this. Yet again you choose to focus on what he does/doesn't do/says/doesn't say.

You never choose to focus on your part in all this, nevermind take ownership.

 

 

As long as you keep painting yourself as a victim of all these 'rude, evil, horrible' men you will never learn, or grow.

 

I do look at my part.

 

He chose to share his private thoughts with me, about his marriage.

 

He mentioned life partner, wife, introduced me to his kids very early..

 

1 month is a long time if you spend time with each other. All of a sudden he has changed, which is hurtful.

 

On this occasion im baffled. Its been the first day and night with no contact. Im angry as hell as he said he wanted to explain things face to face but has left me hanging.

 

I cannot chase up as he has not confirmed meeting or followed up. Its a drastic uncalled for change.

[Mount]

But can't you not see the pattern has not been changed since year 2006, and you are always the "victim", and those guys are all bad, did not want you, did not call you, lied to you, went silence....., said marriage WORD to you then "changed" mind.

 

Have you ever not thought why? Next time when any guy says marriage words, or "wanting" to marry you - ask them sign a contract and and sign so they would not "escape" from you.

 

I do look at my part.

 

He chose to share his private thoughts with me, about his marriage.

 

He mentioned life partner, wife, introduced me to his kids very early..

 

1 month is a long time if you spend time with each other. All of a sudden he has changed, which is hurtful.

 

On this occasion im baffled. Its been the first day and night with no contact. Im angry as hell as he said he wanted to explain things face to face but has left me hanging.

 

I cannot chase up as he has not confirmed meeting or followed up. Its a drastic uncalled for change.

[so gutted]

But can't you not see the pattern has not been changed since year 2006, and you are always the "victim", and those guys are all bad, did not want you, did not call you, lied to you, went silence....., said marriage WORD to you then "changed" mind.

 

Have you ever not thought why? Next time when any guy says marriage words, or "wanting" to marry you - ask them sign a contract and and sign so they would not "escape" from you.

 

Yes im wondering why the pattern? Why do THEY mention marriage?

[Mount]

You can not control others' thoughts, speeches, talking, you and everyone should not be influenced by other people - that is the basics being a grown adult.

 

In this world, there has tons of con men (or women) or people will say anything without really meaning it, just for the sake of ONLY saying or their agenda to make you DO something FOR THEM.

 

You need to ignore, or learn to ignore all the non-sense - that is the basic intelligence living in this world, without being a mad or desperate woman.

 

Yes im wondering why the pattern? Why do THEY mention marriage?

[so gutted]

You can not control others' thoughts, speeches, talking, you and everyone should not be influenced by other people - that is the basics being a grown adult.

 

In this world, there has tons of con men (or women) or people will say anything without really meaning it, just for the sake of ONLY saying or their agenda to make you DO something FOR THEM.

 

You need to ignore, or learn to ignore all the non-sense - that is the basic intelligence living in this world, without being a mad or desperate woman.

 

When you know someone and they seem sincere its different.

 

How can i ask for an explanation without looking desperate?

[Mount]

I am just speechless here now, too bad you will just continue your living exactly same - being the "victim" for next forseeable 10/20/30 years or more, unless one day you starts to use your brain to live.

 

When you know someone and they seem sincere its different.

 

How can i ask for an explanation without looking desperate?

[underpants]

When you know someone and they seem sincere its different.

 

How can i ask for an explanation without looking desperate?

 

I get it.

 

You can't win, if you are aloof and not needy, you are ignored, if you are too needy you are ignored.

 

You play the field, which, I have never done, but I think is a smarter way.

 

They talk about 'marriage' because they are feeling you out about sex.

 

They ghost you because they got it and got scared or realize its too much effort (or they have another chick/wife on the line). They however feel perfectly entitled to treat people this way. YES, it is rude and even heartless.

 

When someone shows this behavior, I find myself ...thankful. One less thing to worry about. When someone show their true selves to you, you better believe it.

 

From your post you seem to be husband shopping, and thats fine. Ask yourself or write down the qualities you want in one, aside from a proposal and legal license. See beyond the 'goal'.

 

Aside from the marriage goal, what other passions do you have in life?

 

Answer that and focus on that, and yes (((sorry)))) stop being naive. It is not a virtue, but a weakness and these guys smell it on you.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks - im leaning towards not telling her for my own sanity. So the advice here has helped a lot. I just want to leave it behind and tru to learn from it. The flags were there and i ignored them like those silly women you see on tv etc. i was blindly looking for attention.

 

Yes for your own sanity, don't tell. Respectfully, there's no way you can handle what she throws at you, let alone him. They will gang up on you and make your life hell. Your mental health is utmost important here, do all that you can to stay away and keep quiet so you can have some peace.

 

I have gotmyself into another mess.

 

To "get over" this i have met another guy. He is divorced but its all very raw.

 

I have seen him a lot over the past month.

 

He has now gone quiet. A few days ago he said he sees a future together with me as his wife. Communicationhas sloweds down.

 

It was his birthday yesterday and he seemed very down, he said he missed his family (he was seperated for 2 years and now recently divorced).

 

He has not spoken tome since.

 

I find it really disappointing that he has spoke of marriage, led me on and now disappeared.

 

I feel broken.

 

A very stupid mistake.

 

BIG STUPID mistake. Gutted, what are you doing? Replacing one bad apple with another when you're soooooooooo not in a place to date anybody. You're emotionally wounded and the energy you give off right now IS attracting the wrong kind of man in your life. Forget MEN all together. You're lonely, seek out your women friends, a family member, a neighbour to hang out with, or even a female co worker. Get busy and do fun hobbies, go see a movie, distract yourself. Take care of you, pamper yourself, have a spa day, get a new haircut, go shopping - Do meditation and yoga, have hot baths before bed with candles, anything that relaxes you and feeds your soul in a peaceful way.

 

You are broken, the choices you're making are not helping you they are making it worse.

 

Have you found a good therapist yet to talk to? If not, please do so.

 

 

 

Yes another guy.

 

Stopdating and do what??? Most of my friends are married, im lonely!

Take care of you! That's what. You can be strong and independent, you don't need a guy to entertain you or to complete you. You're not in a place where you should date anybody, I think deep down you know this.

[so gutted]

Yes for your own sanity, don't tell. Respectfully, there's no way you can handle what she throws at you, let alone him. They will gang up on you and make your life hell. Your mental health is utmost important here, do all that you can to stay away and keep quiet so you can have some peace.

 

 

 

BIG STUPID mistake. Gutted, what are you doing? Replacing one bad apple with another when you're soooooooooo not in a place to date anybody. You're emotionally wounded and the energy you give off right now IS attracting the wrong kind of man in your life. Forget MEN all together. You're lonely, seek out your women friends, a family member, a neighbour to hang out with, or even a female co worker. Get busy and do fun hobbies, go see a movie, distract yourself. Take care of you, pamper yourself, have a spa day, get a new haircut, go shopping - Do meditation and yoga, have hot baths before bed with candles, anything that relaxes you and feeds your soul in a peaceful way.

 

You are broken, the choices you're making are not helping you they are making it worse.

 

Have you found a good therapist yet to talk to? If not, please do so.

 

 

 

 

Take care of you! That's what. You can be strong and independent, you don't need a guy to entertain you or to complete you. You're not in a place where you should date anybody, I think deep down you know this.

 

The pain is very deep.

[georgia girl]

So gutted,

 

 

Please take some advice from an old lady. Very gently, you are going about dating all of the wrong ways and what you are getting is a very predictable result. There is an old saying, "We script our own disasters, but we can author our own success."

 

 

Right now, it seems your criteria for a husband is someone who you are attracted to and who is willing to get serious right away. It also seems you are attracted to the allure of someone a little bit "unattainable". You want to win the trophy - the guy who is married or recently divorced. You want to best someone.

 

 

None of these desires make you good partner material. And if you don't think a guy knows this, let me tell you that you demonstrate these desires in every act, word and gesture. Guys pick up on this, just like we pick up on the things they do. And those guys who are seriously looking for a partner are not going to give you a chance, because they don't see that your heart is in the right place. They may not be able to verbalize that, but that's what they do.

 

 

So, how do you get from where you are to where you really want to be? First, and I'm being very blunt here, stop looking for a husband. And don't just pretend to stop looking for a husband, really stop looking for one. Here's why. When you're looking for a husband, just about anybody will do. And the guy you meet who is okay with that? Well, he's okay with being dishonest. He's already decided he's not going to be that guy, but you seem pretty willing to go too far too fast, so he's likely to score.

 

 

Instead, start by looking for a friend with whom you have a great attraction. THEN SET REALLY, REALLY HIGH STANDARDS!!!! I can't emphasize that enough. You find the friend and you are attracted. Then, sit back. Let him show you that's he's interested. Let him invite you to do the things that interest him because he wants to show you his world and see if you like it. Have him invite you to do some of the things you like to do because he's interested in pleasing you. Read my words carefully: let him do the chasing.

 

 

It sounds old-fashioned but it's true. Let him demonstrate interest and pursue. Be kind, be gentle, be a soft place to land and be your own person. Enjoy what you genuinely enjoy when you see him and do things together, but don't pretend to enjoy the things you don't.

 

 

Learn about him. Learn if you really like him and let intimacy follow from there. Guys don't run away if they're not getting it. Instead, they appreciate it all the more when "it" is part of a relationship. Believe it or not, most real men are not looking to just get laid. Instead, they want a real relationship first. So, let intimacy develop naturally. Not too soon but when you as a couple are ready to make all of the commitments related to being intimate with another human being. And yes, this means exclusivity. It's the old toothbrush rule. It doesn't get passed around.

 

 

And then, continue to enjoy the moment and the now. I dated my husband for almost two-and-a-half years. Those were great times. Even being in our late 30s, we were engaged for 10 months and that was so incredibly special. Being married is now wonderful, but it happened in due time and in due course.

 

 

The final thing I will say is that you will be successful in finding a life partner when you become an enviable partner to have. So, if there are areas where you need to work, please do that work before you begin the dating process. Otherwise, you'll still do everything right above and still not find the right person. So, if you suffer from a lack of confidence, go out and build your confidence by gaining success at a hobby or school or work. If you lack boundaries, start working on setting them in your life. Do you overspend? Stick to a budget. Party too much? Limit your excessiveness. Getting success in these areas will teach you the skills to apply to the dating arena. So many people want to skip these steps, but its so critical. Until you are an attractive (and I mean "inside") partner, you will not likely attract the person you are really seeking.

 

 

And finally, be prepared to walk away and hold out for the right guy. Not just any guy will do. You can go on a few dates and really like someone (as you just described) and they may break your heart a little. S'okay. That's part of dating and you'll move on. We all do, particularly if we don't invest too much too soon, which is another critical skill to have. But then, you go back and enjoy your life and wait for the next person you become attracted to. Then, let him make the moves and you be the one who decides. It will make your life so much better.

 

 

Good luck. You sound awfully young and fragile and close to becoming bitter. Please take my words to heart. There is a formula for successful dating. But there's no "get married quick" schemes that really work.

[anika99]

Really great post by Georgia girl. Just want to add that while it is good to let the man pursue you be wary of men who come on too strong and too fast. Anyone talking about marrying you within the first month of dating is obviously not talking rationally. It is also not rational to take words like that seriously when they are spoken so soon. You said you thought he was a good guy but after just a few weeks of dating you can't possibly know him well enough to really say that. You have to spend time with a person in a variety of different situations and with a variety of different people before you really know someone even a little bit. What kind of people is he friends with? What's his family like and how does he interact with them? Does he treat people well? Does he have a good work ethic? Is he financially responsible? Does he have addictions? Does he have a good relationship with his kids? Does he tell lies? Does he speak respectfully of his exes? I could go on and on but the point is that it takes a lot longer than a month to get to know someone. You don't get to know someone by listening to their words, you do it by putting in time and observing.

 

However I don't think you will ever find happiness with a man until you find some happiness within yourself. You seem to get all of your self esteem and self worth from men. That is bad and that will always attract the worst kind of men. You have to change and I don't mean change how you act or change what you say, I mean change on the inside. People have this uncanny ability to find people who have the same issues they do no matter how they go about dating. As long as you are needy, insecure and lacking self worth you will attract men who have the same problems or who are looking to exploit those problems. You have to spend some time on your own to learn about yourself and to address the things you don't like.

[so gutted]

Really great post by Georgia girl. Just want to add that while it is good to let the man pursue you be wary of men who come on too strong and too fast. Anyone talking about marrying you within the first month of dating is obviously not talking rationally. It is also not rational to take words like that seriously when they are spoken so soon. You said you thought he was a good guy but after just a few weeks of dating you can't possibly know him well enough to really say that. You have to spend time with a person in a variety of different situations and with a variety of different people before you really know someone even a little bit. What kind of people is he friends with? What's his family like and how does he interact with them? Does he treat people well? Does he have a good work ethic? Is he financially responsible? Does he have addictions? Does he have a good relationship with his kids? Does he tell lies? Does he speak respectfully of his exes? I could go on and on but the point is that it takes a lot longer than a month to get to know someone. You don't get to know someone by listening to their words, you do it by putting in time and observing.

 

However I don't think you will ever find happiness with a man until you find some happiness within yourself. You seem to get all of your self esteem and self worth from men. That is bad and that will always attract the worst kind of men. You have to change and I don't mean change how you act or change what you say, I mean change on the inside. People have this uncanny ability to find people who have the same issues they do no matter how they go about dating. As long as you are needy, insecure and lacking self worth you will attract men who have the same problems or who are looking to exploit those problems. You have to spend some time on your own to learn about yourself and to address the things you don't like.

 

He was very good with his kids, his friends seemed to be genuine hardworking married. He has cut me off after giving me hope. 1 month is not long but we spent tome together, he was pursuing me, chasing thats why i thought the marriage talk was serious. Im still expecting a call but i know it wi not come because he has broken the pattern of contact and it damages his credibility now. I knew his problems, he was telling me everything so it cannot be that. I feel betrayed.

[so gutted]

So gutted,

 

 

Please take some advice from an old lady. Very gently, you are going about dating all of the wrong ways and what you are getting is a very predictable result. There is an old saying, "We script our own disasters, but we can author our own success."

 

 

Right now, it seems your criteria for a husband is someone who you are attracted to and who is willing to get serious right away. It also seems you are attracted to the allure of someone a little bit "unattainable". You want to win the trophy - the guy who is married or recently divorced. You want to best someone.

 

 

None of these desires make you good partner material. And if you don't think a guy knows this, let me tell you that you demonstrate these desires in every act, word and gesture. Guys pick up on this, just like we pick up on the things they do. And those guys who are seriously looking for a partner are not going to give you a chance, because they don't see that your heart is in the right place. They may not be able to verbalize that, but that's what they do.

 

 

So, how do you get from where you are to where you really want to be? First, and I'm being very blunt here, stop looking for a husband. And don't just pretend to stop looking for a husband, really stop looking for one. Here's why. When you're looking for a husband, just about anybody will do. And the guy you meet who is okay with that? Well, he's okay with being dishonest. He's already decided he's not going to be that guy, but you seem pretty willing to go too far too fast, so he's likely to score.

 

 

Instead, start by looking for a friend with whom you have a great attraction. THEN SET REALLY, REALLY HIGH STANDARDS!!!! I can't emphasize that enough. You find the friend and you are attracted. Then, sit back. Let him show you that's he's interested. Let him invite you to do the things that interest him because he wants to show you his world and see if you like it. Have him invite you to do some of the things you like to do because he's interested in pleasing you. Read my words carefully: let him do the chasing.

 

 

It sounds old-fashioned but it's true. Let him demonstrate interest and pursue. Be kind, be gentle, be a soft place to land and be your own person. Enjoy what you genuinely enjoy when you see him and do things together, but don't pretend to enjoy the things you don't.

 

 

Learn about him. Learn if you really like him and let intimacy follow from there. Guys don't run away if they're not getting it. Instead, they appreciate it all the more when "it" is part of a relationship. Believe it or not, most real men are not looking to just get laid. Instead, they want a real relationship first. So, let intimacy develop naturally. Not too soon but when you as a couple are ready to make all of the commitments related to being intimate with another human being. And yes, this means exclusivity. It's the old toothbrush rule. It doesn't get passed around.

 

 

And then, continue to enjoy the moment and the now. I dated my husband for almost two-and-a-half years. Those were great times. Even being in our late 30s, we were engaged for 10 months and that was so incredibly special. Being married is now wonderful, but it happened in due time and in due course.

 

 

The final thing I will say is that you will be successful in finding a life partner when you become an enviable partner to have. So, if there are areas where you need to work, please do that work before you begin the dating process. Otherwise, you'll still do everything right above and still not find the right person. So, if you suffer from a lack of confidence, go out and build your confidence by gaining success at a hobby or school or work. If you lack boundaries, start working on setting them in your life. Do you overspend? Stick to a budget. Party too much? Limit your excessiveness. Getting success in these areas will teach you the skills to apply to the dating arena. So many people want to skip these steps, but its so critical. Until you are an attractive (and I mean "inside") partner, you will not likely attract the person you are really seeking.

 

 

And finally, be prepared to walk away and hold out for the right guy. Not just any guy will do. You can go on a few dates and really like someone (as you just described) and they may break your heart a little. S'okay. That's part of dating and you'll move on. We all do, particularly if we don't invest too much too soon, which is another critical skill to have. But then, you go back and enjoy your life and wait for the next person you become attracted to. Then, let him make the moves and you be the one who decides. It will make your life so much better.

 

 

Good luck. You sound awfully young and fragile and close to becoming bitter. Please take my words to heart. There is a formula for successful dating. But there's no "get married quick" schemes that really work.

 

I really appreciate this, i totally agree. Please understand that i find it very very hard to stop dating. Itmust be an addiction. I find it part of life tomeet new men.

[anika99]

He was very good with his kids, his friends seemed to be genuine hardworking married. He has cut me off after giving me hope. 1 month is not long but we spent tome together, he was pursuing me, chasing thats why i thought the marriage talk was serious. Im still expecting a call but i know it wi not come because he has broken the pattern of contact and it damages his credibility now. I knew his problems, he was telling me everything so it cannot be that. I feel betrayed.

 

It's like everything just goes right over your head. A month isn't long enough to know someone. I don't know why you are arguing this since he was obviously not the person you thought he was and that is because you can't know someone in a month. Stop these circular arguments. Everyone here has already been proven correct by the very fact that this guy ditched you after spewing his marriage nonsense. Nobody should take marriage talk seriously within the first month of dating. That's insane.

[Lurkeraspect]

He was very good with his kids, his friends seemed to be genuine hardworking married. He has cut me off after giving me hope. 1 month is not long but we spent tome together, he was pursuing me, chasing thats why i thought the marriage talk was serious. Im still expecting a call but i know it wi not come because he has broken the pattern of contact and it damages his credibility now. I knew his problems, he was telling me everything so it cannot be that. I feel betrayed.

 

Whoa. What?

 

You started this thread about MM#1 exactly 20 days ago, and now you're rambling on and upset about MM#2, who you claim have been together for a month. See the problem there?

 

Please seek professional help. M

[so gutted]

Whoa. What?

 

You started this thread about MM#1 exactly 20 days ago, and now you're rambling on and upset about MM#2, who you claim have been together for a month. See the problem there?

 

Please seek professional help. M

 

This one is divorced ... I did check

[Mount]

Divorce or single so what, they are not for you. Just because there has any man there, if lucky they are single or divorced, it does not mean they will want you.

 

You need to fix yourself first, be healthy in all perspective including mentally, then you might get a chance to date someone WITHOUT being a so-called victim in your brain again.

 

 

This one is divorced ... I did check

[SoulCat]

He is divorced but its all very raw.

 

 

This does not bode well...

[Lurkeraspect]

This one is divorced ... I did check

 

I'm talking about the timeline.

 

20 days ago, you were upset that separated MM led you on for 2 years. Now you're talking about this new guy who you've known for exactly 1 month. Who professed his undying love for you and talked about marriage. So...based on this; while you were crying about MM#1, you were already involved with newly divorced man, meeting his children, friends, and discussing potential marriage. Yet, while this new relationship was going on, you were planning ways to blow up MM#1s life, to include his wife and children.

 

Don't you see how desperate and off kilter all this makes you look?

[TerraIncognita]

I don't understand why people keep entertaining OP's delusions.

[SoulCat]

I don't understand why people keep entertaining OP's delusions.

 

 

I don't think any of us are 'entertaining OP's illusions' at all.

We've been trying to give her advice, none of which she seems to heed unfortunately.

[so gutted]

I don't think any of us are 'entertaining OP's illusions' at all.

We've been trying to give her advice, none of which she seems to heed unfortunately.

 

Im trying to stop. Im addicted to online dating. I cannot be the only one?

[SoulCat]

Im trying to stop. Im addicted to online dating.

 

 

Then get therapy/counseling to deal with this 'addiction'.

 

As well as all other - more conventional addictions- this dating thing is not doing you any good.

[Lurkeraspect]

Im trying to stop. Im addicted to online dating. I cannot be the only one?

 

I think you're addicted to something, but it's not OLD. You enjoy drama. You enjoy wallowing in your angst when these taken or emotionally unavailable men, use you, then ignore you. If you truly wanted a healthy relationship, you'd get that the way you've been going about it (for years) isn't working, and you'd stop doing the same thing over and over and over and over again.

[autumnnight]

Thanks. I am aware of this, but its likely men my age are going to be divorced.

 

Again, i have hinted that no less contact is not acceptable, but he has carried on.

 

Im hurt deeply because he let things go on for a month ( did not push for anything physical) introduced me to his children and cooked dinner for me at home. Now, he has gone quiet.

 

When i did call him re hisbirthday he seemed sad and irritated by me.

 

How can i hold him accountable? This is cruel.

 

You can't "hold him accountable." You saw him a month. There was no commitment or agreement. There is nothing to be held accountable FOR