kendahke Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Thank you. Yes i could have seen things but isnt the onus on him to be truthful? But nothing. The onus is on both of you to stand in your truth. You saw things and chose to dismiss them/discount their importance in exchange for being with him. The fact that he needed to be truthful is non sequitur to you already knowing enough truth to decide this guy is too fragmented to be whole for you. Btw i do not want him at all, this is not even closure its being rightful and living with myself. Why am i feeling disgustedwith myself? I was faithful. Because you are mainlining drama through speculation. Have you spoken with him yet? A lot of this will end when you hear what he has to say. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I am still wondering how he pulled off taking you to his house multiple times and there were none of his wives things there? Not only that, but this mutual friend OP shares with the wife... are they also saying that dude is still married to the wife? I'm surprised OP hasn't been pumping her for information--she'd get a lot further with her than with any of us with something concrete she can use. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Not only that, but this mutual friend OP shares with the wife... are they also saying that dude is still married to the wife? I'm surprised OP hasn't been pumping her for information--she'd get a lot further with her than with any of us with something concrete she can use. A MM recently had a MFM threesome with this OW and his friend , who is a friend of the wife too. Guys often stick together on these things. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 This is it, how do i protect myself. He has pictures of me in a bikini (not with him) he might use these as revenge. I think she will stay with him but that doesnt mean she shouldnt know what is going on. I just want to tell her all the facts and remove myself. The bikini is nothing. Don't worry about that. Don't you have any pics of him? No texts or emails at all? He never sent an 'I love you ' text? Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 The bikini is nothing. Don't worry about that. Don't you have any pics of him? No texts or emails at all? He never sent an 'I love you ' text? I have texts where he asked for the bikini photo, the best texts were not backed up. I could screenshot these ones. The detail and dates will surely work (all special days, valentines day, new years eve, his birthday etc). He was with me. Link to post Share on other sites
trolloperative Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 All this over a video on fakebook? If he's happily separated but can't divorce, he'll be glad his wife would be upset/ignoring/leaving him to carry on with his affairs. Your email might backfire. Obviously you were not the only one he's been cheating with. I'd be surprised if BS doesn't already know about his indiscretions. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I think you should end it with him and tell him why. That you feel like he's fooled you, lied to you, allowed you to meet his family and friends, and you know that he is still very married and you want absolutely NOTHING to do with him anymore. Don't say a word about telling his wife, don't tip him off otherwise he's going to turn it all around on you. Wait until you've calmed down before contacting his wife. (DO NOT contact her sister and drag her into this, or any of the friends. Later you can blast the friends another time but not now). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 How come you did not have birthday cards, holiday cards, text msg with his I love you with his signature? If not how come you did not question that, as it is obvious red flag. Instead you would rather living with the "elephant" in the room for two year but did not ask for clarification, now you were just using Facebook post to question his obvious strange behavior, that should have been easily discovered from more daily trails. You get what you ask for, you choose to live in self-denial somehow. I have texts where he asked for the bikini photo, the best texts were not backed up. I could screenshot these ones. The detail and dates will surely work (all special days, valentines day, new years eve, his birthday etc). He was with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 All this over a video on fakebook? If he's happily separated but can't divorce, he'll be glad his wife would be upset/ignoring/leaving him to carry on with his affairs. Your email might backfire. Obviously you were not the only one he's been cheating with. I'd be surprised if BS doesn't already know about his indiscretions. When i did check her fb (i refuse to now) she was posting stuff about her lifestyle, i think she knows but the lifestyle softens the blow. There is a difference between knowing like that (a suspicion) and me telling her. I think he was living with her in another house as he did not have enough of his things in this house. This is his love nest. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 When you say you've met 'family' do you mean parents, uncles & aunts, grandparents etc? If you just mean a couple of cousins it's not the same thing at all. I have cousins that are like close friends. They would cover or encourage indescretions (have with other cousins) unlike other family members. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 This doesn't make any sense to me, how could you be with someone for so long and not be able to tell that they still live with their spouse? And if you are with him for every special occasion doesn't that stand out to his wife? I don't know what purpose revenge is going to serve at this point. But to me if after 18 months at that age, you aren't past the point of "lightly dating" you'd might as well move on anyway, whether he is separated or not. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I'm with the others: OP, you are over-reacting without confirming a suspicion. And plotting a revenge based on assumptions? Foolish... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pastypop Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Just contact her anonymously and tell her that you found his name in the AM data dump. He and all his buddies probably have accounts out there if he has been cheating for 2 years. Even if his doesn't she will be more suspicious of him going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 Just contact her anonymously and tell her that you found his name in the AM data dump. He and all his buddies probably have accounts out there if he has been cheating for 2 years. Even if his doesn't she will be more suspicious of him going forward. Whats AM? I think i have enough info to make her think. She can always check the cameras and see me arriving leaving if i give her the dates. She cannot doubt what i say as i have written it very carefully, not emotionally. His friend (that i knew and met) clearly knows the wife for years because he wished her happy birthday and apologised he couldnt make it but would visit them when he was back. The friend is his best friend. She willbe hurt by the double betrayal. I met his cousin, who got very drunk and admitted that he was on websites looking for women (despite being married). The family must all be like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 This doesn't make any sense to me, how could you be with someone for so long and not be able to tell that they still live with their spouse? And if you are with him for every special occasion doesn't that stand out to his wife? I don't know what purpose revenge is going to serve at this point. But to me if after 18 months at that age, you aren't past the point of "lightly dating" you'd might as well move on anyway, whether he is separated or not. It was not a relationship like that. I saw him here and there. I was dating others, as he was not the one but i guess i thoughtthere was something there. This doesnt excuse his affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 It was not a relationship like that. I saw him here and there. I was dating others, as he was not the one but i guess i thoughtthere was something there. This doesnt excuse his affair. Then if you were dating others as well it wasn't that serious and let it go. What are you looking for here? Help plotting revenge? You have been given some very reasonable and logical advice which you completely disregard. Seems more like you want to spin some revenge fantasy than to actually attempt to find out the truth. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 Then if you were dating others as well it wasn't that serious and let it go. What are you looking for here? Help plotting revenge? You have been given some very reasonable and logical advice which you completely disregard. Seems more like you want to spin some revenge fantasy than to actually attempt to find out the truth. It wasnt a fling or casual it was a relationship. He discussed a lot with me, im hurt by the betrayal. Even if i was seeing others, i was not married. Its not revenge its morality. Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 It wasnt a fling or casual it was a relationship. He discussed a lot with me, im hurt by the betrayal. Even if i was seeing others, i was not married. Its not revenge its morality. i can't believe that i am biting... OP maybe it would help if you define what you think a relationship is because you say you were in one but you were dating others? earlier you stated you had "strong morals" but was in a relationship (sic) with a married man and now even thou in a relationship (sic) you were dating others. and you still refuse to ask the man you are in a relationship (sic) with about his ex's post. i am getting an ice cream headache. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Zagan Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 (edited) That's if they were even in a relationship at all. It sounds to me like she's obsessed with the bloke which is why she can't ask him anything, because he probably has absolutely no idea. It might have been a couple of dates early on or nothing at all. I mean seriously, you wanna destroy the lives of an entire family for somebody you weren't even exclusive with? You are unhinged and that might have something to do with why you can't get a feller permanently. 2 years and not one text saying I love you or anything about sex, no cards .. Nothing.. Just one about a bikini .. There's red flags here alright and they ain't coming from him. Edited September 9, 2015 by Zagan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 You seem to be making bits and pieces up as you go along. In post #84 you said I was faithful Now you are saying you were seeing other men as well. I don't know nor care whether he is with or not with his wife any more. You clearly are too scared to ask him about the video - which makes me think that you two aren't in a relationship at all and never really were so you actually have n reason to talk to him. I think you are wanting to write to his wife for drama/attention seeking purposes, possibly even just drama on a thread purposes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 Ok let's put it this way, I feel like in the relationship between OP and her guy, one of them is somehow not very mentally sane. I am not going to say whom. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 OP still did not answer, over 2 years timeframe, why OP did not receive the text saying "I love you"...etc, or birthday, holiday card with his signing? Why is the abnormal behavior in OP's eyes being normal and NOT being challenged? How come you did not have birthday cards, holiday cards, text msg with his I love you with his signature? If not how come you did not question that, as it is obvious red flag. Instead you would rather living with the "elephant" in the room for two year but did not ask for clarification, now you were just using Facebook post to question his obvious strange behavior, that should have been easily discovered from more daily trails. You get what you ask for, you choose to live in self-denial somehow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 i can't believe that i am biting... OP maybe it would help if you define what you think a relationship is because you say you were in one but you were dating others? earlier you stated you had "strong morals" but was in a relationship (sic) with a married man and now even thou in a relationship (sic) you were dating others. and you still refuse to ask the man you are in a relationship (sic) with about his ex's post. i am getting an ice cream headache. I was seeing others for tea/dinner etc in the hope of finding someone better then him. Something was t right. I was not unfaithful, i was not married. Im not obsessed with him and i do not want to break up the family but i do feel horribly tortured by a video of him as a proud husband, while he was seeing me. I think that deception should not be passed by. Why should HE get off scott free? Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 You seem to be making bits and pieces up as you go along. In post #84 you said Now you are saying you were seeing other men as well. I don't know nor care whether he is with or not with his wife any more. You clearly are too scared to ask him about the video - which makes me think that you two aren't in a relationship at all and never really were so you actually have n reason to talk to him. I think you are wanting to write to his wife for drama/attention seeking purposes, possibly even just drama on a thread purposes. Nooo i feel guilty about telling the wife and scared of a backlash. There is no doubt in my mind that he is married to her and has been all along. Link to post Share on other sites
Author so gutted Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 OP still did not answer, over 2 years timeframe, why OP did not receive the text saying "I love you"...etc, or birthday, holiday card with his signing? Why is the abnormal behavior in OP's eyes being normal and NOT being challenged? I have texts, neither of us are the i love you types. Link to post Share on other sites
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