Just found out he deceived me for 2 years

[eye of the storm]

I have not said you were in the wrong. You assumed he was fair game. You were lied to.

 

But instead of dusting yourself off and learning to listen to the giant waving red flags in the future, you have thrown yourself into this giant sucking hole of "I'm not leaving until I have destroyed everything he holds dear!!" mindset.

 

He is never going to suffer like you are. And you will destroy yourself seeking his destruction.

 

This is just like the divorcing wife who spends 40K to screw her H out of a 5K dining room set. It is silly, and sad.

[Mount]

Can't you still not understand in this age, men always want to have ##$% with women - if they get opportunity, and that CERTAINLY does not mean they have feeling for you at all.

 

Maybe from his eye you are only Friend with benefit, but from your eyes somehow in strange reason you think he should be commited to you.

 

YOu need to learn relationship 101 from very beginning. Do you ever have long term relathionship before?

 

We were friends for 1 year. He then took things further on feb 14th. This is why im hurt. We could have stayed friends. Why wait so long to make a move. He was seeing me every week in the friendship stage for 5/6 hours.

 

After things moved on, i asked for clarity about his seperation. He said he was still seperated. How am

I in the wrong if he lied?

 

Is the wife innocent?

[Got it]

We discussed feelings a lot. He took advantage of a vunerability (my age/kids) and thats wrong.

 

Okay but you were dating other people!?! How much feelings were involved? You weren't seeing him exclusively so really how did he lead you on?

[Mount]

Interesting you never look into yourself to see what got you here, you cannot always make up excuse, your age is normal, your vulnerability only means you do not think intelligently well and offer yourself to him WITH FANTASY in your mind. You are not victim from him, you are the victim of yourself.

 

 

He might not be doing perfectly, but you are certainly doing wrong as well, and that is main reason cause you where you are.

 

 

We discussed feelings a lot. He took advantage of a vunerability (my age/kids) and thats wrong.

[sandylee1]

From how I read this, the MM didn't know the OP was dating other guys. Because he was never getting divorced, the OP was on the lookout - nothing wrong with that to me.

 

If the alleged seperation was mutually agreed and they're on friendly terms, it could well appear like they are together. Some people behave a certain way in public, to make everyone think all is well.

 

Like I suggested, send her a message in the hopes it doesn't get intercepted. The best way might be to find her address and do it by certified mail, that ONLY she can sign for. Just in case he checks her FB inbox.

[so gutted]

From how I read this, the MM didn't know the OP was dating other guys. Because he was never getting divorced, the OP was on the lookout - nothing wrong with that to me.

 

If the alleged seperation was mutually agreed and they're on friendly terms, it could well appear like they are together. Some people behave a certain way in public, to make everyone think all is well.

 

Like I suggested, send her a message in the hopes it doesn't get intercepted. The best way might be to find her address and do it by certified mail, that ONLY she can sign for. Just in case he checks her FB inbox.

 

Thanks / should i create a false fb account for this purpose? I can tell her i created it to speak to heras i dont want her contacting my friends etc.

[so gutted]

Interesting you never look into yourself to see what got you here, you cannot always make up excuse, your age is normal, your vulnerability only means you do not think intelligently well and offer yourself to him WITH FANTASY in your mind. You are not victim from him, you are the victim of yourself.

 

 

He might not be doing perfectly, but you are certainly doing wrong as well, and that is main reason cause you where you are.

 

I am looking ar myself. If i didnt care i would just post to his wife, other family members (all on fb).

 

I am

Considering my hurtful actions.

[so gutted]

I have not said you were in the wrong. You assumed he was fair game. You were lied to.

 

But instead of dusting yourself off and learning to listen to the giant waving red flags in the future, you have thrown yourself into this giant sucking hole of "I'm not leaving until I have destroyed everything he holds dear!!" mindset.

 

He is never going to suffer like you are. And you will destroy yourself seeking his destruction.

 

This is just like the divorcing wife who spends 40K to screw her H out of a 5K dining room set. It is silly, and sad.

I agree with you totally.

 

Hence i am sending one detailed email, she checks her fb as she posts her life there (minus him). I will then close that account and block all contact.

[anika99]

So Gutted, your last 2 threads also appear to have been about this guy. In both of those threads posters were telling you there were red flags and that you should talk to the guy about your concerns. Most notably in the first thread last summer you said he was separated for 3yrs and then later in the same thread you said his youngest child was 2yrs old. A poster rightfully asked how it is that he was separated for 3yrs but had a 2yr old. You never came answered that question and never posted on that thread again.

 

 

Basically it seems that you have suspected all along that this guy was actively married but you steadfastly refused to look any deeper or ask him any questions. Even now you are refusing to have a conversation with the guy. In other words you were/are choosing to stick your head in the sand. Seems like maybe you should chalk this up to your own bad choices and move on.

[SoulCat]

Thanks / should i create a false fb account for this purpose? I can tell her i created it to speak to heras i dont want her contacting my friends etc.

 

 

What are you? 14 years old?

Cause it's more their style to create a false FB account to send messages to people they don't know. It's NOT what a grown-a$$ woman does.

 

 

Besides, you have been proclaiming your 'innocence' from the start of your post so what have you got to hide if indeed you were the wronged party here.

 

 

But let's face it, you have not really behaved or acted like the mature person you claim to be, e.g. you have not actually had the balls to ask the guy himself what the deal is.

 

Instead you've drawn some conclusions, multiplied them with a whole load of assumptions and got mad.

 

 

And now you're out for revenge, plain and simple.

Because he killed your happily-ever-after, marriage & kids fantasy. Because his wife has the audacity to look a certain way in a picture or posts certain things on her FB account.

 

 

It sounds to me that you have a helluva lot of mental growing up to do before you can handle a healthy, mature and lasting relationship.

50+ threads here on LS can testify to that.

Edited September 9, 2015 by SoulCat

[eye of the storm]

False facebook accounts, sending an email then deactivating the account...

 

I get that you want to drop the bomb and then stroll away with no blowback. It is not going to happen. The second she gets this she is going to go full detective mode. And you are going to be one of the prime target. And the MM is going to throw you under the bus. He will go out of his way to make you look deranged. This is only going to hurt you.

 

Walk away.

[violet1]

Holy hell! I read this entire thread and I'm confused. If you were dating other people, how can you be upset? Obviously he didn't know you were seeing other people, right? You only kept him around until you found someone else better? That's a pretty messed up thing to do! If there are feelings involved and you two were friends for a year before it got physical, why can't you confront him? In any type of relationship, communication is important. If you can't even confront him about a stupid facebook video then I would hardly call what you had with him a relationship. If you want to tell his wife, do it, but don't be surprised when all of this comes back to bite you in the butt. I'm sorry, but IMHO you have no right to be upset and you are not innocent. It's not okay to sleep with someone and date them if you are really trying to find someone else better. Did you tell the MM that you were seeing others because you wanted to find someone else better? If not, you ought to tell him right after you his wife. If you want to play the honesty card then play it!

[Zagan]

False facebook accounts, sending an email then deactivating the account...

 

I get that you want to drop the bomb and then stroll away with no blowback. It is not going to happen. The second she gets this she is going to go full detective mode. And you are going to be one of the prime target. And the MM is going to throw you under the bus. He will go out of his way to make you look deranged. This is only going to hurt you.

 

Walk away.

 

He'll only have to point his wife to this thread for that to become apparent.

[Dancewithme]

You are mad, you feel used, you want revenge. We got it. Now take a deep breath. You don't care that the BW knows what her hubby was up to, you just want to express your hurt. I think you will hurt no one but yourself. You sound truly upset and are wading into "bunny boiler" waters. Do you really want to be known as that crazy OM?

 

I think you cut your emotional losses, and let your MM, and his marriage go. Preserve your dignity, let it go. Find something to channel this hurt and other emotion into; something rigorous and physical like a new sport, or helping people who are truly downtrodden and in need. Date men who are totally available. As time passes, you will be surprised to realize you hardly give him another thought.

[beatcuff]

I was seeing others for tea/dinner etc in the hope of finding someone better then him. Something was t right. I was not unfaithful, i was not married.

 

Im not obsessed with him and i do not want to break up the family but i do feel horribly tortured by a video of him as a proud husband, while he was seeing me. I think that deception should not be passed by.

 

Why should HE get off scott free?

 

thank you for the PARTIAL clarification. now the bold above only further serves to banish me to confusion land.

 

you want him but date others hoping to find something better, you want to tell but not break up the family. you watch a video and determine: smugness (her), no wait they are in love (him/them) or...

 

PLEASE answer this simple question: why will you not ask him about the video?

 

until you get his response (of course he may lie, but how he reacts physically is what i would be looking at) i have nothing further to offer.

[GemmaUK]

We were friends for 1 year. He then took things further on feb 14th. This is why im hurt. We could have stayed friends. Why wait so long to make a move. He was seeing me every week in the friendship stage for 5/6 hours.

 

After things moved on, i asked for clarity about his seperation. He said he was still seperated. How am

I in the wrong if he lied?

 

Is the wife innocent?

 

So. what do you actually mean by 'took things further' on Feb 14th?

In your last thread about him you had been seeing him for 11 months.

In this thread we have a confusion over 24 months or 18 months.

Now, going by your post it began in Feb which is 7 months.

 

What did he do by 'taking things further'?

Did he kiss you?

Did he have sex with you?

 

How has your communication been in the last (now more than) two weeks sine you saw him?

[so gutted]

thank you for the PARTIAL clarification. now the bold above only further serves to banish me to confusion land.

 

you want him but date others hoping to find something better, you want to tell but not break up the family. you watch a video and determine: smugness (her), no wait they are in love (him/them) or...

 

PLEASE answer this simple question: why will you not ask him about the video?

 

until you get his response (of course he may lie, but how he reacts physically is what i would be looking at) i have nothing further to offer.

 

Because:

 

1) he is untrustworthy

2) he sees prostitutes

3) he cheats on his wife

4) i was dating others so indirectly i knew it would not work

5) pride

6) fear of his indifference

7) the video said it all. Her proudness when she called him her husband.

[so gutted]

So. what do you actually mean by 'took things further' on Feb 14th?

In your last thread about him you had been seeing him for 11 months.

In this thread we have a confusion over 24 months or 18 months.

Now, going by your post it began in Feb which is 7 months.

 

What did he do by 'taking things further'?

Did he kiss you?

Did he have sex with you?

 

How has your communication been in the last (now more than) two weeks sine you saw him?

 

We went from friends to well lovers. Not sex. Communication has been a few calls that i have not returned before and after finding out.

[Susmay]

Can you all just say

 

Yes - tell his wife

Or

 

No - walk away

 

Please

 

Seeing as you've asked, I say yes tell his wife.

[Babs22]

Because:

 

1) he is untrustworthy

2) he sees prostitutes

3) he cheats on his wife

4) i was dating others so indirectly i knew it would not work

5) pride

6) fear of his indifference

7) the video said it all. Her proudness when she called him her husband.

 

I missed the part where he sees prostitutes. When did you know this and why would you date a guy who saw prostitutes? It is hard to tell if you wanted this relationship to go farther. From how hurt you are, it does seem like you expected it to go farther, but you say you dated others because you knew he wasn't the one. If he wasn't the one and he saw prostitutes, why are you so hurt? When did you find out he is seeing prostitutes?

 

Also, you said you went from friends to lovers but have not had sex? Do you just have really hot make-out sessions, but no intercourse? Did you not have intercourse because you didn't want to or because you knew he was seeing prostitutes?

[so gutted]

I missed the part where he sees prostitutes. When did you know this and why would you date a guy who saw prostitutes? It is hard to tell if you wanted this relationship to go farther. From how hurt you are, it does seem like you expected it to go farther, but you say you dated others because you knew he wasn't the one. If he wasn't the one and he saw prostitutes, why are you so hurt? When did you find out he is seeing prostitutes?

 

Also, you said you went from friends to lovers but have not had sex? Do you just have really hot make-out sessions, but no intercourse? Did you not have intercourse because you didn't want to or because you knew he was seeing prostitutes?

 

Its not confirmed but he went to amsterdam with male mates (when we were friends) and claimed they only did drugs there.

 

Im still hurt. We shared a friendship, he was intiating the meet ups in the friendship, he too a decision to ruin that by taking things further.

[underpants]

I've told.

 

I was deceived, led to believe I was dating a single father of one daughter. Turns out he has 3 children and was engaged. He also introduced me to a friend and other nonsense, that I fell for after doing what I thought was due diligence (fb, twitter, county record searches...etc) before the 1st date. It all jived so I felt safe to go along. Until I looked further after the distant thing. I made a thread about it if you want to look it up.

 

I get it, you want to stick up for yourself, you feel victimized. If he lied to you then you were. If you want to let her know who she is married to, and you know you don't want him in your life, then go for it.

 

You will have 1 shot, so make it count. I would caution you to wait a week or 2. Your facts won't change and you need the distance to clear your mind. Really make sure you are doing this for the right reasons, not just out of anger. You may also think of other details that you can add to your letter. I would also hold a couple or two back if you can (I did this unintentionally as I thought I sent enough and honestly did not think about it at the time.) but the additional facts proved helpful in the storm of lying that ensued.

 

I wanted my letter to be exactly one page. I narrowed the margins a bit, but got what I needed to convey on one page. News that painful should not require flipping paper. I read the draft to some friends and made some suggested edits (don't post it here). I promised not to intrude on her life again but did offer an anonymous email address she could contact if she had any further questions (and she did as that guy was a real piece of work). I mailed the letter via restricted registered mail so that only she could sign for it. I found her work address via the internet, and sent it there. She alone had to visit the post office and present id and sign to receive it. A good thing as she admitted that he had her fb and other passwords and was retrieving the snail mail so she would have never gotten it any other way.

 

In my case I was very kind in my letter. It was apologetic, gave my perception, how I discovered, and a bullet ed list of details (including the name of his friend I met (later to be discovered as a married cheater, now divorced).

 

I was contacted by him several time (via all sorts of different phone numbers and faked texts by imaginary people) I never once responded. I knew when I did this I was totally done and would not entertain any further words from him. When it was all done I changed my number and did worry about some blow back. She was the type to throw all the evidence at him at once offering him an opportunity to lie about it all (and yes, I was deemed a 'crazy bish'). That is where the offer of the email and eventually my phone number came in handy as she texted me his lies (the best was a faked text from me) that I was able to correct and the offer of forgotten evidence that sealed the deal.

 

We are both free of that monster.

 

One thing I did do was research my state and ensure that I was not residing in I think 7 that allow betrayed spouses to sue supposed other women. Once I knew I was cool, and according to her on line media and later confirmed by her that she was the financial bearer of that relationship, I felt safe to proceed.

 

Do what you need to do.

[so gutted]

I've told.

 

I was deceived, led to believe I was dating a single father of one daughter. Turns out he has 3 children and was engaged. He also introduced me to a friend and other nonsense, that I fell for after doing what I thought was due diligence (fb, twitter, county record searches...etc) before the 1st date. It all jived so I felt safe to go along. Until I looked further after the distant thing. I made a thread about it if you want to look it up.

 

I get it, you want to stick up for yourself, you feel victimized. If he lied to you then you were. If you want to let her know who she is married to, and you know you don't want him in your life, then go for it.

 

You will have 1 shot, so make it count. I would caution you to wait a week or 2. Your facts won't change and you need the distance to clear your mind. Really make sure you are doing this for the right reasons, not just out of anger. You may also think of other details that you can add to your letter. I would also hold a couple or two back if you can (I did this unintentionally as I thought I sent enough and honestly did not think about it at the time.) but the additional facts proved helpful in the storm of lying that ensued.

 

I wanted my letter to be exactly one page. I narrowed the margins a bit, but got what I needed to convey on one page. News that painful should not require flipping paper. I read the draft to some friends and made some suggested edits (don't post it here). I promised not to intrude on her life again but did offer an anonymous email address she could contact if she had any further questions (and she did as that guy was a real piece of work). I mailed the letter via restricted registered mail so that only she could sign for it. I found her work address via the internet, and sent it there. She alone had to visit the post office and present id and sign to receive it. A good thing as she admitted that he had her fb and other passwords and was retrieving the snail mail so she would have never gotten it any other way.

 

In my case I was very kind in my letter. It was apologetic, gave my perception, how I discovered, and a bullet ed list of details (including the name of his friend I met (later to be discovered as a married cheater, now divorced).

 

I was contacted by him several time (via all sorts of different phone numbers and faked texts by imaginary people) I never once responded. I knew when I did this I was totally done and would not entertain any further words from him. When it was all done I changed my number and did worry about some blow back. She was the type to throw all the evidence at him at once offering him an opportunity to lie about it all (and yes, I was deemed a 'crazy bish'). That is where the offer of the email and eventually my phone number came in handy as she texted me his lies (the best was a faked text from me) that I was able to correct and the offer of forgotten evidence that sealed the deal.

 

We are both free of that monster.

 

One thing I did do was research my state and ensure that I was not residing in I think 7 that allow betrayed spouses to sue supposed other women. Once I knew I was cool, and according to her on line media and later confirmed by her that she was the financial bearer of that relationship, I felt safe to proceed.

 

Do what you need to do.

 

Wow. Im sorry you went through this too.

 

The certified letter is a very very good idea, beats fb. I have written it and edited it, knowing i need to revis again before sending.

 

 

I know im

Done with him so thats ok. My hurt isnt as raw as it seems. Im

Not actually looking to see what she does orhow she reacts as the letter gives her enough info. Im just informing.

[TerraIncognita]

OP, I took the time to look up your other threads, including one from 2008 where you agonized over the same dilemma- should I tell his wife, whatever other poor chap you had your eyes on at that time.

 

You need help. As in professional help. And a lot of it. Preferably before you out anyone, who in my opinion can be absolutely innocent. You seem to invent relationships while the other party is blissfully unaware you have decided you are in one with them.

 

Please go see a therapist.

[underpants]

Wow. Im sorry you went through this too.

 

The certified letter is a very very good idea, beats fb. I have written it and edited it, knowing i need to revis again before sending.

 

 

I know im

Done with him so thats ok. My hurt isnt as raw as it seems. Im

Not actually looking to see what she does orhow she reacts as the letter gives her enough info. Im just informing.

 

Its all good, bullet dodged, luckily in my case for both of us.

 

I did not send a certified letter, but a 'restricted registered letter'. I believe it cost like 5 bucks, but only the person who it is addressed to can sign for it and they have to visit the post office to receive it. I decided on a real letter, because I was worried about being blocked, but also it was a real thing to hold and read. That is more powerful.

 

In my case the email and later convos (about 2 weeks worth) sealed the deal. Had I not offered a way for her to validate the (I thought way enough facts) he would have lied his way out of it, as she really wanted to believe him. What was fun is forwarding his texts to me to her when he was in saving his butt mode. I never responded to anything from him, and that was crucial.

 

As for peeps saying you are crazy, okay, if you have the facts then let them stand on their merit.

 

I would also caution that you will feel about 10 feet tall after you do this (if you should proceed). Take that confidence and spend some time with yourself alone for 6 months or so before dating again. You will feel strong, but still be very vulnerable, and perhaps an easy target for other predators.

 

Hang tough.