Do I tell my ex (mother of my child) that her BF is cheating on her?

[akale]

When I was 20 I dated a girl for 4 years and we had a son together around the 3 year mark. I ended things around the 4 year mark because it just wasn't going well for me anymore and I cheated. No sex, no connection, etc.

 

We've been split for 5 years now. I've since moved on and I'm married. She has been single the whole time since our split until about 6 months ago.

 

As of right now, the BF has never met my son. My ex said she wouldn't bring a man around our son until she's been seeing him for at least 6 months. Her choice, not mine. My son knows she has a friend named (his name) but nothing more.

 

I would say we are on good terms. We don't chat or hang out, but we don't fight. It took a long time to get where we are today. We had a long custody battle, she wanted to agree to 50/50 outside of court, I wanted more. She wanted me back until about a year ago and had to drop our son off with my mom because she'd cry if she dropped him off with me. But now we do drop offs, exchange info that needs to be exchanged, communicate great.

 

But one of my fears is that she won't believe it. Like I'm trying to ruin her happiness. I don't know any of her friends anymore. And I don't want to ruin her happiness either. I know her, she's a shy, cautious, wonderful person. She doesn't jump into relationships (clearly), doesn't do hook ups and is very careful with who she lets in. She had one BF before me, he cheated a lot, I cheated and now this guy. If that doesn't ruin someone I don't know what does.

 

I was at a bar with my wife and some friends. I saw him (clear as day) dancing with (very sexually), making out with another woman, followed by them leaving together. A friend of mine (the bartender) said he's there a lot and knew his name (my ex doesn't drink or do bars/clubs). I don't know the situation. Maybe it was a one time thing that will never happen again. I've seen them out together, he seemed like a decent guy. But I cheated and I like to think I'm a decent guy.

 

If there wasn't a child involved I wouldn't think twice about it. It's non of my business, except it could affect my son which makes it my business. He's a sensitive kid, I don't want him getting attached to someone who is either a bad guy or won't stick around.

 

My wife wants me to just drop it and forget about it. She thinks I care too much, which it probably seems I do. The only reason I care about my ex is because whatever happens in her life affects my son. If she is hurt my son will see that and feel that. I want her to be the best mother she can be, I don't want heartbreak to affect that.

[privategal]

Because she is a nice human and your sons mom, her feelings are getting involved.

Maybe leave anonymous note somehow if she won't believe your story? Or just tell her directly.

She could get an std.

You care for her safety, let her know directly or indirectly.

[Popsicle]

Exes, most especially the father of your children get really used to the mother of their children being alone and single. They really like it it/prefer it that way. That way no other man has to be around his child, but the fact is, she is bound to move onto another man, just like you have moved on (and married) another woman. Don't make her life hard and let her find love and happiness. Let her do that and just stay out of her life and business.

[m.snow]

no problem there just looking out for a person you know. which is btw the mother of your child.

[Clockwork]

It is the mother of your child..................so regardless there is some sort of care you have to have for her. And your son for that matter. I mean, she marries the guy and then finds out he's a serial cheater? That isn't good for her or your son. I like the idea of an anonymous note. Explain it fully and accurately and then let her make the decision. It might come across as bias from you.

 

 

I know one thing, a few years ago we saw a friend of a friend at a bar. We aren't close with him but were with our friend. He was engaged to be married, or so we thought. He sees us at the bar and comes over. He literally introduces the girl he was dancing with as his girlfriend. We knew his fiancée and it wasn't her, so assumed they had broken it off. Except they hadn't. He was married to her a couple of months later. Damn, the guy was bold too. I mean, we KNEW his fiancée, how could he be so stupid, or cocky? Anyway, I sort of felt as if we owed it to his fiancée to leave some sort of anonymous note, but we didn't. Maybe we should have.

 

 

I think you should too, this can affect your son.

[akale]

I will type up a note. Now how do I get that note to her? If I email it to her I doubt she'll read it as I'd send it from a different account with a different name. She'd probably just think it's junk. I know she'd read it if I send it to her work email, but I don't want to give her news like that at work. I could drop it off in her mailbox when I know she won't be home.

 

My wife is pissed at me for thinking about this. She wants me to drop it and let it be or just tell her next time I pick my son up. She says it's not my job to be there for my ex and that she'll get the wrong idea. She thinks I care too much. But it all goes back to my son. If he didn't exist I wouldn't think twice about not telling her. We have the same issue with telling my ex that my wife is pregnant (20 weeks, can't wait much longer or it'll be obvious). I want to tell her before I tell our son so she doesn't get blindsided when he mentions it. I know it will upset her, especially if it comes around the same time she finds out her BF is cheating. When I told her I was getting married my son said they stayed home and she cried a lot. I don't like him seeing that or not being as well taken care of.

 

There is a fine line between co-parenting and being too supportive for my ex. My wife has been great through all of this. She knew how badly my ex wanted me back for 4 years but never threw any fits when I had to do drop offs or spend time with her and my son (like at the zoo, school functions). I don't want to do anything to make her question my feelings. To make either woman question my feelings actually.

[Winterina]

Tell her before it becomes too serious and before she invests any more time, love and effort into that douchebag.

 

Your son will suffer too. He will get attached to a guy that will leave. He will watch his mother in emotional pain.

 

Telling is the right thing to do. Otherwise, you are just sticking your head into the sand. And exactly that is why we have s*** in the world.

 

Ask your bartender friend to take a photo of that guy with other chicks if you really think your ex would not believe you.

 

I am in the similar predicament myself, just much less directly concerned. I know of a couple of cases where wives are cheating on their husbands. Now one of those couples are planning kids and I cannot imagine not saying something to this guy who might end up raising kid while she is out effing with other people. I even thought of sending him FB message from some fake account, but I don't know if receiver can see the country that private message is from. I want to at least warn him to be careful and open his eyes. And at the same time stay anonymous because I am not that worried to want to take on some of their drama which I would have to do if I do it openly.

[Winterina]

Exes, most especially the father of your children get really used to the mother of their children being alone and single. They really like it it/prefer it that way. That way no other man has to be around his child, but the fact is, she is bound to move onto another man, just like you have moved on (and married) another woman. Don't make her life hard and let her find love and happiness. Let her do that and just stay out of her life and business.

 

You are assuming a lot of unwarranted things about OP.

Am I misreading or are you suggesting that he should "let her find love and happiness" with a guy that is cheating on her?

[akale]

Exes, most especially the father of your children get really used to the mother of their children being alone and single. They really like it it/prefer it that way. That way no other man has to be around his child, but the fact is, she is bound to move onto another man, just like you have moved on (and married) another woman. Don't make her life hard and let her find love and happiness. Let her do that and just stay out of her life and business.

 

I want her to be happy and move on. I want her to be with someone because I know it would make her happy. I want my son to stop asking why he has two mommies but only one dad or why he doesn't have a dad at mommies house. I want him to stop saying that he prefers my house because he has a mommy and daddy but just mommy at the other house. I feel like her finding someone serious would be sort of like closure. I always feel some sort of guilt knowing I'm happy and moved on but she's just alone and stuck where she was when things ended.

[akale]

Tell her before it becomes too serious and before she invests any more time, love and effort into that douchebag.

 

Your son will suffer too. He will get attached to a guy that will leave. He will watch his mother in emotional pain.

 

Telling is the right thing to do. Otherwise, you are just sticking your head into the sand. And exactly that is why we have s*** in the world.

 

Ask your bartender friend to take a photo of that guy with other chicks if you really think your ex would not believe you.

 

I am in the similar predicament myself, just much less directly concerned. I know of a couple of cases where wives are cheating on their husbands. Now one of those couples are planning kids and I cannot imagine not saying something to this guy who might end up raising kid while she is out effing with other people. I even thought of sending him FB message from some fake account, but I don't know if receiver can see the country that private message is from. I want to at least warn him to be careful and open his eyes. And at the same time stay anonymous because I am not that worried to want to take on some of their drama which I would have to do if I do it openly.

 

My ex knows the bartender friend, they aren't friends but she knows who he is. I could get him to let her know. He's seen a lot more than me, just didn't know that was the BF until I pointed it out. But it'd come back to me because he shouldn't even know who that is. Anonymous letter is probably better. I want it over and done with so my wife will feel better.

[Tayla]

you are each adults. As skewed as this may sound, I would suggest speaking to the bf directly. This really is about him and his questionable behavior. Suggest to the mother that you are seeking a man to man chat . If conveyed in the right way, its a win win for everyone. I do understand the concern for the child. Remain objective and be open minded that his story may shed light on what resolutions can be achieved.

[Lois_Griffin]

Your wife is a saint for putting up with all the freakin drama you've brought to the marriage and the never-ending baggage that you keep dumping on her front doorstep.

 

It's so completely unfair to your wife that her pregnancy has to be some ridiculous drama-filled event in your lives because you're still pandering to your ex 'for your son's sake.' It's so disrespectful to your wife that what should be a happy time in her life is instead being treated as some kind of awful, horrible plague where telling your ex is concerned. I'm amazed your wife puts up with all this damned disrespect.

 

Just tell your ex what you saw and be done with it. Just like your wife suggested - because she's right. All this cloak and dagger nonsense with anonymous emails or typed up notes being left in the mailbox or on her windshield is just so childish it's bordering on ludicrous.

 

Keep up the constant drama and continued disrespect towards your wife as you have and you're going to find yourself divorced.

[akale]

Your wife is a saint for putting up with all the freakin drama you've brought to the marriage and the never-ending baggage that you keep dumping on her front doorstep.

 

It's so completely unfair to your wife that her pregnancy has to be some ridiculous drama-filled event in your lives because you're still pandering to your ex 'for your son's sake.' It's so disrespectful to your wife that what should be a happy time in her life is instead being treated as some kind of awful, horrible plague where telling your ex is concerned. I'm amazed your wife puts up with all this damned disrespect.

 

Just tell your ex what you saw and be done with it. Just like your wife suggested - because she's right. All this cloak and dagger nonsense with anonymous emails or typed up notes being left in the mailbox or on her windshield is just so childish it's bordering on ludicrous.

 

Keep up the constant drama and continued disrespect towards your wife as you have and you're going to find yourself divorced.

 

My wife's pregnancy is a happy time, a very happy time for us. We held off on telling anyone until a couple weeks ago because we wanted to know everything was good with the baby first. We've briefly talked about it once and it was just my wife asking if we should tell my ex or just let her find out through my son or from seeing her. I want to keep an open communication so we can keep co-parenting well. I was going to tell her when picking up my son so she could have some time to process alone, but I saw the cheating the day before and it complicated things in my mind.,

 

But yes, maybe doing telling her what I saw anonymously is childish. I don't want to feel responsible for ruining her happiness, or maybe for her to male me feel that way. Telling her directly or talking to her BF may be the more mature choice.

 

If you think that all I do is talk about my ex with my wife or cater to her feelings you are wrong. She rarely comes up in conversation.

[Popsicle]

You are assuming a lot of unwarranted things about OP.

Am I misreading or are you suggesting that he should "let her find love and happiness" with a guy that is cheating on her?

 

No, I'm suggesting he stay out of it.

[oldshirt]

That is an indication of that guy's character. That is a sign of the character of a man that may be brought into your son's future.

 

I don't see that you really have a choice not to address it.

[oldshirt]

... If you are afraid people will just think you are trying to sabatage her love life, just say she can do whatever she wants with him as long as he's not brought into your son's life in any manner.

 

That's not legally enforceable of course unless it can be shown the guy poses some kind of risk to the child, but if you make about your sons wellbeing and not her love life, it's the best you can do.

[ShatteredLady]

The way you have worded it here, including your concerns at telling her & how you want her to be happy etc sounds good & caring. Have a conversation with your ex. Tell her what you told us. You & your wife didn't ask to be stuck in the middle of this but YOU ARE! Just have the conversation. I think you're over thinking this (understandably) but that's what's probably upsetting your wife! Not that you care, not that you need to tell your ex but how much thought you're putting into this!

 

I know it's going to hurt your ex but she needs to know. She's getting close to the 6 month mark & is probably planning on introducing him to your son soon.

 

My advise is just do it! Tell her. Include your fears & thoughts. Have a grown-up conversation about it. Be honest. Best of luck. I'm so sorry you're all in this situation.

[oohlala]

Could this maybe be an option?...

 

You know his name and where he's a regular...could you introduce yourself to him, let him know what you've seen, and let him know that this could potentially affect your son -- so if you don't tell her, you will?

 

I've handled a similar situation this way. I caught a friend's fiance making out with another guy at a gay bar. Everyone shoots the messenger and I didn't want to be the person to break up their engagement so I let him do it, and saved her probably some dignity. She never gave our circle of friends a reason why they broke up. He told me privately that he did confess, as he was moving his stuff out of our building. Nobody else to this day knows. To the best of my knowledge she doesn't know that I know or that I prompted him to just be honest.

[akale]

I called my ex and we're going to meet tonight for a talk. I'll tell her straight up what I saw. If need be she can talk to my friend who is the bartender at that bar. Otherwise I don't know when I'll see her next. With my son in school we won't see each other often. She drops him off at school Friday and I pick him up after school. I take him to school Monday and she picks him up after.

 

My wife isn't happy about it. She wanted me to tell her to meet after school one day instead of meeting tonight. But I don't want my son around when we talk about it. She said to tell my ex about the cheating and pregnancy and leave, no comforting or waiting. I have a hard time walking away from a crying person, but I'll have to. She comes first.

[Raena]

I feel so bad for your ex. You say your son calls your wife Mommy... that's upsetting to hear. I think I'd lose it if my son started calling his father's whatever (gf in my sitch) "mom"... she's not his mom.

 

On top of that, she's been cheated on 3 times. It's no wonder why she took so long to get involved with someone. If I were her, the last person I'd want to hear this news from is my cheating ex.

 

As for the baby you have on the way... it's good that you are telling her about it before she finds out elsewhere. It's just a shame that you are telling her the same day you tell her that's she's being cheated on again.

 

I understand your wife's point of view too.... but how in the world could really just drop a bomb like this and then walk away. I sure hope your ex has a strong support group to lean on.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't see that you really have a choice not to address it.

 

Agreed. As per the old Dragnet show, "Just the facts Maam, just the facts". Tell her what you saw, let her draw her own conclusions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[akale]

I feel so bad for your ex. You say your son calls your wife Mommy... that's upsetting to hear. I think I'd lose it if my son started calling his father's whatever (gf in my sitch) "mom"... she's not his mom.

 

On top of that, she's been cheated on 3 times. It's no wonder why she took so long to get involved with someone. If I were her, the last person I'd want to hear this news from is my cheating ex.

 

As for the baby you have on the way... it's good that you are telling her about it before she finds out elsewhere. It's just a shame that you are telling her the same day you tell her that's she's being cheated on again.

 

I understand your wife's point of view too.... but how in the world could really just drop a bomb like this and then walk away. I sure hope your ex has a strong support group to lean on.

 

I didn't initiate my son calling my wife mom it just happened. He calls my wife mom and my ex mommy. He needed to call her something. My ex knows about it and didn't like it but it stuck. My wife is going to be his step mother for the rest of our lives, she isn't going anywhere. I would be ok with him calling another man dad if he was a good guy and married to my ex.

 

I did talk to my ex tonight. First I told her that my wife is expecting, then I told her what I saw. She didn't believe it at first. Of course she was upset, anyone would be. She started crying and saying that she always chooses bad guys or that she isn't a good girlfriend because she is always cheated on, that she'll never be with someone. That I've moved on and am happy and she is always going to be alone or cheated on. That I always ruin her happiness. That our son likes my house better because he has two parents (I knew that, didn't know he said that to her). That she just had sex with him for the first time yesterday, as far as I know she's only had sex with me and 1 other person. It's a big deal to her. I sat with her for a while because I couldn't just get up and walk away leaving her hysterical like that. Nothing happened, I don't have any feelings for her. I sat beside her and put my arm around her but that's it. That's what friends do.

 

She doesn't have any support at all. She has no friends, I don't know why she's very likable just doesn't make friends. And she doesn't have close family.

 

Now my wife is pissed and won't talk to me. She said I should have only been gone 30 minutes but was a few hours. Says I'm too involved with my ex and we need to stop communicating for things other than my son. But we don't communicate unless it involves our son. Questioning if anything happened between us, of course nothing did. I told her everything, we don't keep any secrets or hide things.

[adna89]

I will type up a note. Now how do I get that note to her? If I email it to her I doubt she'll read it as I'd send it from a different account with a different name. She'd probably just think it's junk. I know she'd read it if I send it to her work email, but I don't want to give her news like that at work. I could drop it off in her mailbox when I know she won't be home.

 

My wife is pissed at me for thinking about this. She wants me to drop it and let it be or just tell her next time I pick my son up. She says it's not my job to be there for my ex and that she'll get the wrong idea. She thinks I care too much. But it all goes back to my son. If he didn't exist I wouldn't think twice about not telling her. We have the same issue with telling my ex that my wife is pregnant (20 weeks, can't wait much longer or it'll be obvious). I want to tell her before I tell our son so she doesn't get blindsided when he mentions it. I know it will upset her, especially if it comes around the same time she finds out her BF is cheating. When I told her I was getting married my son said they stayed home and she cried a lot. I don't like him seeing that or not being as well taken care of.

 

There is a fine line between co-parenting and being too supportive for my ex. My wife has been great through all of this. She knew how badly my ex wanted me back for 4 years but never threw any fits when I had to do drop offs or spend time with her and my son (like at the zoo, school functions). I don't want to do anything to make her question my feelings. To make either woman question my feelings actually.

 

 

so is the wife the woman you cheated with on your ex?

[Raena]

I didn't initiate my son calling my wife mom it just happened. He calls my wife mom and my ex mommy. He needed to call her something. My ex knows about it and didn't like it but it stuck. My wife is going to be his step mother for the rest of our lives, she isn't going anywhere. I would be ok with him calling another man dad if he was a good guy and married to my ex.

 

I did talk to my ex tonight. First I told her that my wife is expecting, then I told her what I saw. She didn't believe it at first. Of course she was upset, anyone would be. She started crying and saying that she always chooses bad guys or that she isn't a good girlfriend because she is always cheated on, that she'll never be with someone. That I've moved on and am happy and she is always going to be alone or cheated on. That I always ruin her happiness. That our son likes my house better because he has two parents (I knew that, didn't know he said that to her). That she just had sex with him for the first time yesterday, as far as I know she's only had sex with me and 1 other person. It's a big deal to her. I sat with her for a while because I couldn't just get up and walk away leaving her hysterical like that. Nothing happened, I don't have any feelings for her. I sat beside her and put my arm around her but that's it. That's what friends do.

 

She doesn't have any support at all. She has no friends, I don't know why she's very likable just doesn't make friends. And she doesn't have close family.

 

Now my wife is pissed and won't talk to me. She said I should have only been gone 30 minutes but was a few hours. Says I'm too involved with my ex and we need to stop communicating for things other than my son. But we don't communicate unless it involves our son. Questioning if anything happened between us, of course nothing did. I told her everything, we don't keep any secrets or hide things.

 

If your ex is ok with the name issue (mom) then there really isn't much more I have to say about it. It's a sticking point for me though... for now.

 

It's good that you stayed for a bit and talked instead of just dropping a bomb and then running off.

 

Your wife will get over it eventually... you did the right thing.

 

I am curious though... does your wife know your relationship with your ex ended because you cheated? (and other reasons you mentioned). If she does, that would explain why she's so worried about you being around your ex whom you've stated was still wanting you back for quite awhile.

[akale]

If your ex is ok with the name issue (mom) then there really isn't much more I have to say about it. It's a sticking point for me though... for now.

 

It's good that you stayed for a bit and talked instead of just dropping a bomb and then running off.

 

Your wife will get over it eventually... you did the right thing.

 

I am curious though... does your wife know your relationship with your ex ended because you cheated? (and other reasons you mentioned). If she does, that would explain why she's so worried about you being around your ex whom you've stated was still wanting you back for quite awhile.

 

It didn't end because I cheated. I cheated because of all the things that made me end the relationship. We had no connection at all, no intimacy, different life goals, different standards. When I met a woman actually showed interest I saw what I was missing and cheated. Am I proud of that, no. But it happened. It's not why we broke up though. My ex didn't know about the cheating until a few months after I broke up with her. I wasn't going to tell her because there was no reason to put that on her. But I told her hoping it would help her move on.

 

Yes, my wife knows about it. She is not who I cheated with but was in the picture. We talked a lot and hung out a lot. Our relationship is so much different with the one I had with my ex. She knows my ex wanted me back until recently that was hard for her, knowing I had an option waiting. But I'd never go back to my ex or leave my wife. She still won't talk to me this morning. She wants me to tell my ex not to talk to me unless it's directly about our son.