Do I tell my ex (mother of my child) that her BF is cheating on her?

[OldRover]

It didn't end because I cheated. I cheated because of all the things that made me end the relationship. We had no connection at all, no intimacy, different life goals, different standards. When I met a woman actually showed interest I saw what I was missing and cheated. Am I proud of that, no. But it happened. It's not why we broke up though. My ex didn't know about the cheating until a few months after I broke up with her. I wasn't going to tell her because there was no reason to put that on her. But I told her hoping it would help her move on.

 

Yes, my wife knows about it. She is not who I cheated with but was in the picture. We talked a lot and hung out a lot. Our relationship is so much different with the one I had with my ex. She knows my ex wanted me back until recently that was hard for her, knowing I had an option waiting. But I'd never go back to my ex or leave my wife. She still won't talk to me this morning. She wants me to tell my ex not to talk to me unless it's directly about our son.

 

I feel like you did the right thing, but I'm sure it was awkward. You ex is still a human being and deserves some respect and you can and should be concerned about her welfare, as it does affect your son. You wife should understand that, but at times like this it's a very tight line to follow. Personally, I'd avoid seeing your ex under any circumstances alone (at this time), but not sure what would have been any better. And YES, she needed to know.

 

At times, I wish wives were more respectful of their husbands ex.

[Clay]

I can understand your wifes concern.

 

I still think you telling her was the right thing to do. No one deserves to be cheated on.

 

C

[Tayla]

Your wife is needing assurance. It will be your behavior that will validate this for her. Be the supportive husband, empathize with her view points. Stand your ground on the actions though that as an adult you will always choose wisely to behave as her proud spouse. She need not be concerned that you will veer from that stance.

 

I am in the minority view that you would have been best served to meet your goal by talking to the guy instead. It was his behavior that was needing addressed directly. Yet what is done now is done.

 

The reality is, you have addressed a concern, and hopefully each adult can move forward in being civil about the results.

[minimariah]

We had a long custody battle, she wanted to agree to 50/50 outside of court, I wanted more.

 

hello,

 

can i ask about this part...? why did you fight 50:50 type of arrangement and your kid spending the equal amount of time with the both of you? that's the part i don't understand. isn't the 50:50 type of arrangement the best for the child? why would you fight it...? what is your custody arrangement now & does your child spend more time with you & your wife than with his mother?

 

& also, you should mantain the friendly relationship with your ex. try to explain that to your wife, she needs to respect your ex and understand that she isn't going anywhere. you can keep both of those relationship balanced, i think. be friendly with your ex but detached, as in... communicate only about issues that concern your son but in a friendly manner. your wife's insecurity is something that you should address, sit down and talk to her and reassure her that ex is no threat to her or your marriage.

 

i don't feel that nether one of you had been fair to that woman at all, especially with you fighting the only fair custody arrangement and working against her...? i really cannot understand that part.

 

I always feel some sort of guilt knowing I'm happy and moved on but she's just alone and stuck where she was when things ended.

 

i think you should encourage your son's relationship with his mother more - not sure how much will that even be possible with your wife's insecurity & with you clearly not supporting your ex when it comes to your son.

 

the next time he tells you that he likes your house better - sit down with him and talk to him and tell him that both houses love him very much and that he needs an equal amount of quality time with his mother just like he has with his father & stepmother. encourage and support his relationship with his mother instead of pushing yours in the first plan. when he asks about two daddies and mommies - address that, too. he keeps asking because you both keep avoiding to address it, again - sit down with him and tell him that just because mommy doesn't have a partner, it doesn't mean that she's a lesser parent than you are OR that her house is less better than yours.

 

way more support is needed from you and your wife when it comes to coparenting, i feel like you don't care much for your kid's relationship with the mother. i really feel so bad for your ex.

Edited September 9, 2015 by minimariah

[StellaGrace]

I am in the minority here. This is the mother of your child who you once loved enough to bring a new life into the world. You did the right thing by telling her, and by staying there while she pulled herself together AND by putting your arm around. Cripes - you aren't allowed to hug someone you once loved who is hurting?

 

I think the new wife is completely unreasonable in her expectation that you would walk away in 30 minutes or less (was she serious??), like your ex's reaction to the two surprises you threw at her should take the same amount of time as ordering a happy meal at a fast food restaurant. I don't mean to be harsh here - but what is wrong with her? She has a choice. Why not choose to be gracious? She is about to have your child - she "wins". So many people seem to lack empathy or any sort of cognizance that other people exist who have a different (and in this case painful) reality... for your ex it's one that you contributed to and now you are doing your best to make it right by being compassionate.

 

I am glad you are trying to be a decent guy who behaves with integrity, even if your wife is trying to convince you that you're wrong. Head high; stay strong.

Edited September 9, 2015 by StellaGrace

[sandylee1]

Before your son gets attached to the guy, tell your Ex. She deserves the truth. I'm sure you'd want the same if she knew you were being cheated on. Poor thing will probably join the convent after the amount of betrayal she's suffered.

[akale]

hello,

 

can i ask about this part...? why did you fight 50:50 type of arrangement and your kid spending the equal amount of time with the both of you? that's the part i don't understand. isn't the 50:50 type of arrangement the best for the child? why would you fight it...? what is your custody arrangement now & does your child spend more time with you & your wife than with his mother?

 

& also, you should mantain the friendly relationship with your ex. try to explain that to your wife, she needs to respect your ex and understand that she isn't going anywhere. you can keep both of those relationship balanced, i think. be friendly with your ex but detached, as in... communicate only about issues that concern your son but in a friendly manner. your wife's insecurity is something that you should address, sit down and talk to her and reassure her that ex is no threat to her or your marriage.

 

i don't feel that nether one of you had been fair to that woman at all, especially with you fighting the only fair custody arrangement and working against her...? i really cannot understand that part.

 

 

 

i think you should encourage your son's relationship with his mother more - not sure how much will that even be possible with your wife's insecurity & with you clearly not supporting your ex when it comes to your son.

 

the next time he tells you that he likes your house better - sit down with him and talk to him and tell him that both houses love him very much and that he needs an equal amount of quality time with his mother just like he has with his father & stepmother. encourage and support his relationship with his mother instead of pushing yours in the first plan. when he asks about two daddies and mommies - address that, too. he keeps asking because you both keep avoiding to address it, again - sit down with him and tell him that just because mommy doesn't have a partner, it doesn't mean that she's a lesser parent than you are OR that her house is less better than yours.

 

way more support is needed from you and your wife when it comes to coparenting, i feel like you don't care much for your kid's relationship with the mother. i really feel so bad for your ex.

 

I fought the 50-50 custody that my ex was offering because I wanted more time. That is my child and I want as much time with him as I could get. My ex is a great mom but I had to do what I had to do.

 

I have him every Friday afternoon to Monday morning and every other Wednesday afternoon and evening.

 

I do try and tell my son that his moms house is just as fun, good and loving. But if he prefers it here then he prefers it here. Maybe that'll stick and he'll end up spending more time here. I can't choose who he prefers or where he feels more at home. We offer him a family with a mom, dad and soon to be brother. I'm not surprised he's more attached to that and neither are his teachers who he's told this two as well.

 

My wife was never insecure about my ex until this issue came up. She's always been friendly to her. Maybe she is genuinely worried (about nothing) or maybe it's just because of the pregnancy. She seems to think my ex will come onto me and I'll get stuck in the moment and have sex. Or that just another woman I use to love is interested in me. For the record, I have no idea if she still is.

 

My ex broke up with her boyfriend. He confirmed that he

was cheating. Good timing because they were planning a trip next weekend. I'm happy that my son will never have to meet that guy. I'm not happy that I had to deliver the news that hurt her. But it had to be done. My wife is more worried now though because my ex isn't with someone. She wouldn't really explain herself but said it was easier knowing she was with someone, happy and not wanting me anymore. Maybe they should talk to each other. If my ex tells her there is no interest my wife might get over it.

[craw]

Nm want to delete this post

Edited September 12, 2015 by craw

[Popsicle]

I didn't initiate my son calling my wife mom it just happened. He calls my wife mom and my ex mommy. He needed to call her something. My ex knows about it and didn't like it but it stuck. My wife is going to be his step mother for the rest of our lives, she isn't going anywhere. I would be ok with him calling another man dad if he was a good guy and married to my ex.

 

I did talk to my ex tonight. First I told her that my wife is expecting, then I told her what I saw. She didn't believe it at first. Of course she was upset, anyone would be. She started crying and saying that she always chooses bad guys or that she isn't a good girlfriend because she is always cheated on, that she'll never be with someone. That I've moved on and am happy and she is always going to be alone or cheated on. That I always ruin her happiness. That our son likes my house better because he has two parents (I knew that, didn't know he said that to her). That she just had sex with him for the first time yesterday, as far as I know she's only had sex with me and 1 other person. It's a big deal to her. I sat with her for a while because I couldn't just get up and walk away leaving her hysterical like that. Nothing happened, I don't have any feelings for her. I sat beside her and put my arm around her but that's it. That's what friends do.

 

She doesn't have any support at all. She has no friends, I don't know why she's very likable just doesn't make friends. And she doesn't have close family.

 

Now my wife is pissed and won't talk to me. She said I should have only been gone 30 minutes but was a few hours. Says I'm too involved with my ex and we need to stop communicating for things other than my son. But we don't communicate unless it involves our son. Questioning if anything happened between us, of course nothing did. I told her everything, we don't keep any secrets or hide things.

 

It sounds like you enjoy destroying this woman and taking everything away from her that makes her happy.