I'm so suspicious after being lied to!

[PinkEagles]

Sorry guys, this is a bit of a long story. Also, I'm a lesbian, so that's why all of the pronouns are female.

 

My girlfriend, we'll call her Emily, and I have been together for about two years. I'm 26 and she's 23.

 

We met when we were living in Denver, neither one of us are from Colorado. After about a year we moved in together. She wasn't really feeling living in Denver anymore and she wanted to be closer to her family, so a couple of months ago we moved to California with her sister. Now we're all living together. I was pretty vocal about not wanting to live with her sister throughout the entire process, but she assured me that it would be fun and we would all get along great.

 

About a month after we moved to CA Emily told me she was going out one night to work with a college student from Craigslist to help them write a paper. Basically tutoring someone and getting paid for it. At around 2 in the morning she called and asked if I could pick her sister up from work because she was still at the university helping this girl write her paper. I picked her sister up from work, and as we're arriving back at the apartment Emily is getting dropped off as well. I didn't see the person dropping her off as they quickly just drove away.

 

We go inside and I notice that my girlfriend is drunk and covered in sand. She's so drunk she has to throw up and lay on the floor of the bathroom where I see her periodically texting and checking her phone. I start to put together that I've been lied to, so I look through her phone and see that she's receiving and immediately deleting texts from someone. After confronting her and forcing it out of her a bit, she tells me that she was never working on a paper, that she met up with someone from Craigslist that was also looking for friends in the area, and they just hung out on the beach and had drinks. She is adamant that nothing happened.

 

She told me that the reason she lied about it is because she knew that I would be upset about it and that I wouldn't understand. That she was sincerely just looking for friends in the area, because she has social anxiety and doesn't know how to meet people. That's fair enough, and I probably wouldn't have understood her desire to hang out with a stranger from CL. So with that understanding, and the assumption that she wasn't actually doing anything romantic with this girl, we tried to move on.

 

A week later I was still feeling upset about it, and went looking through her phone again. I found emails from when we were still living in Denver to a girl in California regarding "fun ways to make money," and detailing how they were going to have sex for a webcam because guys would love to watch that.

 

I freaked out. At this point I really wanted to end the relationship, but I'm still living with her and her sister and I was basically just being a pussy about ending things. Again, she said that nothing actually happened, and she was just curious about it. She says she never met up with this girl, or any of the girls that she ended up emailing with. She is adamant that nothing physical ever happened, that she wants to continue the relationship, that she's in love with me, blah blah.

 

So we're trying to move on from this. The problem is that she's always so sketchy with her phone. She deletes entire conversations with people. When I asked her about it she just rolled her eyes and walked out of the room, later saying that she just "didn't want to get into it with me again." This morning I was looking through her phone again and found a conversation where I could tell that she only selectively deleted certain text messages. I asked her about that and she said she did it in case I read them, because they were about me and her sister not getting along, and she didn't want me to feel like she was talking about me behind my back. She says that this person is a friend from high school.

 

I have NEVER been the kind of person that goes through the phone of someone I'm dating. In fact, this is the first time that I've ever felt the need to do that. I've never been cheated on prior to this, and I've dated around a bit. I feel like a crazy person. I know the logical thing to do is to just break it off, but it's just so messy now that I'm living with her and her sister, and we're sharing a room. I'm not strong enough to break up with her and have to spend every day with her still until I can find a new apartment. Also I just moved and got unpacked, I don't want to have to move again! I really want to move past this, as we used to get along so well and connect. How can I stop being so suspicious?

 

Thanks for making it to the end of that guys, any help is appreciated.

[Winterina]

A person that has nothing to hide, hides nothing.

 

After the way she behaved and her lies, the least she can do to repair the damage to the relationship she has done is give you unrestricted access to her phone, email, FB, etc.

 

If there is nothing incriminating in there, she will have no problem giving it to you. You are together long enough and you live together. It is not like you are still dating.

[smackie9]

She never owned up to it so she will keep cheating on you plain and simple. She is too much of a coward to breakup with you so instead, she seeks relationships outside your relationship.

 

I'm sure if you pull up your bootstraps you ca relocate on someones couch for a few weeks. Maybe try Craigslist to find a new roommate.

[smackie9]

A person that has nothing to hide, hides nothing.

 

After the way she behaved and her lies, the least she can do to repair the damage to the relationship she has done is give you unrestricted access to her phone, email, FB, etc.

 

If there is nothing incriminating in there, she will have no problem giving it to you. You are together long enough and you live together. It is not like you are still dating.

This will not work. She can easily get a second phone and start up a new FB page under a different name.

[Space Ritual]

Oh dear,

 

You are not going to move past this, and you are not going to get less suspicious. That ship sailed. Captain Emily made sure she put a big ass hole in the hull of that ship and it sank in the ocean about the time you relocated. She abandoned ship and you are running around on the deck looking for a life raft with just seconds to go.

 

PinkEagles, you are being cheated on. Plain and simple. Big time

 

Emily must have been studying the Cheaters Handbook, because she is literally taking her cues from it word for word.

 

From the gaslighting about the Beach incident all the way to the bullcrap about the deleted messages. Cheaters follow a mythical playbook throughout the generations that convinces them that their partners are simply gullible and stupid and will believe anything they say simply because they are so wonderful and cunning that it would literally be impossible to be taken to task regarding their actions.

 

Do not feel foolish. This has been tried on many a person since time began, and of course she is just telling you that you are crazy right? That you are invading her privacy? That you just don't understand and if you would just settle down and realize you don't ave anything to worry about she would not have to lie to you.

 

Sound a bit familiar?

 

You are invading her secrecy.

 

Sadly she kind of has you over a barrell being you relocated and she has family and friends where you currently reside you are kind of in a tough spot. I certainly do not envy your situation. However there is a chance for you to end this farce.

 

You pack up as much as you can, and get the first bus back home.

 

I'm very very sorry. I hate stories like this because you did nothing to cause the treatment you are recieving. This is all on Emily. All of it. If you stay, she will continue to lie to you, probably pull her sister in on the drama since blood is always thicker than water, and course leave you in the lurch.

 

I know it must be really tough, but the only person that can improve the situation is you. And that is by leaving emily as soon as possible.

 

Please get yourself tested for STD's as well. Emily seems as loose with her vagina as she does with the truth.

[lolablue17]

There is no reason to dig about it. It's simple and clear: Keep doing exactly what you've done until now (stay with her, be a pussy...), and i assure you that you'll continue to get the same behavior from her.

 

The only difference is that, now she is more carefull about it, and knows better how to be secretive.

 

Walk away now, while you can still at least tell yourself stories like she didn't cheat on you already. If you cooperate with her games, you're not in the same league, she's a virtuoso. you're an amature. you will lose.

Edited September 7, 2015 by lolablue17

[ExpatInItaly]

Why in heaven's name would you even want to move past this?

 

it's quite obvious she's been cheating and lying for some time. Get yourself away from this girl. She's playing you like a fiddle.

[TheFool4]

I know that you've already taken advice from all of these strangers on the Internet who have no idea about the complexity of this situation- but there must be something that's making you want to stay?

I sent you all of the screen shots of all of the craigslist ads i responded to. The ones about social anxiety, and it being hard to relate to people? Do you remember those? Was there anything sexual in those? No. Yes, I did respond to a girl posting about making extra money doing cam modeling. It was only a response, and it ended at that. You're with me the 16 hours of the day that im not at work, so you would know if I was doing cam modeling/serial cheating on you. Honestly, in my ****ed up needy brain (that is emotionally abusive and gaslighting you), I enjoy being with you that much, even though you need space.

Yes, I lied that night I hung out on the beach. I shouldn't have lied. Ever. I should never have lied. I should've just been straight up, like you are with mike.

But honestly, nothing happened. You can get a ****ing STD check. You're the only person I've had sex with in the past year and a half, and you know that.

If there's one thing this relationship isn't lacking, that's sexual satisfaction bc you know your way around the bedroom.

There might not be any getting over this. Im probably too crazy. Im trying to move out as soon as possible, and you can break up with me - you can get back on track to living a normal, healthy life without the crazy.

 

I know I'm difficult to be with, and i complicate things. Lying is never acceptable. But I promise that im not playing by any "handbook," nor am I "playing" you. I just want you to be sweet to me, and I want to be sweet to you. And I want us to go to bed happy with each other in the same room. And I want to give you hugs before bed, and I want everything to be okay. And I want to trust you and quit being so crazy, and I want you to trust me again even though I've already broken every reason for you to trust me. If you want you can go through my phone and email anytime. i explained why I deleted those texts (because I was talking about us, and I thought you'd get mad.) but im done deleting texts, and that's that. I don't know what else to say. Im sorry I hurt you and broke your trust. Im sorry I inadvertently manipulate and emotionally abuse you and am so god damn needy when I'm on my period and just want you to

Hold me and tell me that its going to be okay when all i feel like doing is dying.

[Space Ritual]

I know that you've already taken advice from all of these strangers on the Internet who have no idea about the complexity of this situation- but there must be something that's making you want to stay?

I sent you all of the screen shots of all of the craigslist ads i responded to. The ones about social anxiety, and it being hard to relate to people? Do you remember those? Was there anything sexual in those? No. Yes, I did respond to a girl posting about making extra money doing cam modeling. It was only a response, and it ended at that. You're with me the 16 hours of the day that im not at work, so you would know if I was doing cam modeling/serial cheating on you. Honestly, in my ****ed up needy brain (that is emotionally abusive and gaslighting you), I enjoy being with you that much, even though you need space.

Yes, I lied that night I hung out on the beach. I shouldn't have lied. Ever. I should never have lied. I should've just been straight up, like you are with mike.

But honestly, nothing happened. You can get a ****ing STD check. You're the only person I've had sex with in the past year and a half, and you know that.

If there's one thing this relationship isn't lacking, that's sexual satisfaction bc you know your way around the bedroom.

There might not be any getting over this. Im probably too crazy. Im trying to move out as soon as possible, and you can break up with me - you can get back on track to living a normal, healthy life without the crazy.

 

I know I'm difficult to be with, and i complicate things. Lying is never acceptable. But I promise that im not playing by any "handbook," nor am I "playing" you. I just want you to be sweet to me, and I want to be sweet to you. And I want us to go to bed happy with each other in the same room. And I want to give you hugs before bed, and I want everything to be okay. And I want to trust you and quit being so crazy, and I want you to trust me again even though I've already broken every reason for you to trust me. If you want you can go through my phone and email anytime. i explained why I deleted those texts (because I was talking about us, and I thought you'd get mad.) but im done deleting texts, and that's that. I don't know what else to say. Im sorry I hurt you and broke your trust. Im sorry I inadvertently manipulate and emotionally abuse you and am so god damn needy when I'm on my period and just want you to

Hold me and tell me that its going to be okay when all i feel like doing is dying.

 

 

LMFAO!

 

Lady you are about as full of crap as anyone I've ever seen post here.

 

You are a cheater and a liar. The mere fact you felt you had to come here and post on this thread publicly to try to save your ass is evident of just how much you actually care for your partner. It shows you care only for yourself.

 

Don't try to insult us with the admonition that we don't know the complexity of the situation. Most of us have been there, done that, and have the T Shirt from the gift shop we got on the way out. We also did not come onto our partner's thread in a sickeningly immature last ditch attempt to play to the masses instead of the one person that mattered, which in your case would be Pink Eagles.

 

It's really not complex at all. You lied to your partner, hid important information, cheated on her, and brow beat her into moving for you. The reason she is staying thus far is that you have her over a barrel as far as her options. And you made sure to manipulate the entire situation to where Pink Eagles looks crazy when in fact she is probably more sane than you will ever hope to be.

 

Some people only get the gravity of the situation they have created when physical violence is visited upon them. Your entire action by coming here is proof positive that you will end up being one of those people. It may not be Pink eagles, but someday somebody is gonna come along and not only take you to task for your stupidity, but also take you to the woodshed. You need to grow up and think about somebody other than yourself before it's the only thing you have left to think about, because you are going to be alone.

[TheFool4]

Do you get some sick pleasure out of being cruel to people on the Internet and making people who already feel bad about their situations feel even worse?

[Space Ritual]

Indeed not.

However, bear in mind that you are not only NOT the first one to gaslight your significant other, but you are not the first one to creep an SO's thread and then make some public justification.

 

Your post reads like a ill conceived script that has been used time and again by cheaters who are just trying to avoid consequences. I don't get any pleasure in seeing Pink Eagles, nor anyone else in pain, as long as it's not of their own making.

 

When people who refuse to take true ownership of their actions try to pass themselves off as a victim is generally when the Schadenfreude kicks in on my part. Then I just want to sit on the mountainside with a smoke and watch the trainwreck come to fruition.

 

You don't have to impress us or even be honest with us. Its Pink Eagles you have to be honest with. From her initial post and your reply I don't think it takes a mindreader to recognize your efforts to explain all of this has fallen far short of your hopes.

 

Again, what I think or even reply with is not the question. The Question is: What are YOU going to do to rectify the situation with the person you claim to love? It is 100 percent incumbent on you that your actions line up with your words when it comes to Pink Eagles.

 

Stop making this all about you. It's what got you in trouble in the first place.

[lolablue17]

Dear TheFool4:

 

Every situation is unique, and no one pretends to know the complexity of your R. Strangers can be very wrong sometimes, but sometimes they can be very right, only bc they are strangers. They don't let so many little details to blind their eyes. Strangers sometimes can see things as they are.

 

every one of us can give advices from our own experience. Well, you lied, you admit it to be very wrong, and let be more accurate, after the lying, you've been very sketchy with your phones and deleted messages.

 

A person can say 99 truth and only one lie, but that one lie makes all the other 99 very questionable.

 

From my point of view, you may be telling the truth, or be lying, IDK. But as a stranger i can't ignore the fact that you have a big interest to lie. Adding the fact that you already lied more than once, (deleting messages is like a lie), you should accept the fact that people suspect your words.

 

You had a chance to regain trust and to be transparent, but you've prefered to hide and delete. Now you have a much harder work to regain trust. You Bf knows how you feel while you're in danger that he might leave. He isn't sure how would you feel when things calm down. You might be secretive again and meet other men behind his back.

 

You can't promise you won't. Nobody can. But your Bf saw how quickly you can tell lies when somthing's wrong. You're together 16 hours a day but it will not be always like this.

 

My advice to you - If he didn't leave you until now, it means he loves you very much, and he is trying to find a way to stay. Being transparent as you said, is a good start. It will take time to regain trust, but it's not only time, it's the way you do it. Don't lie! Never lie again, no matter how ugly is the truth. Don't lie even with small things, like never say you have a head ache if you havn't. Never say white lies. If you do that, you will regain his trust eventually.

Edited September 19, 2015 by lolablue17